A/N: Although I still refuse to give up hope that Rachel will eventually return to us, I felt like we needed a moment like this. Rachel and Tomchel fans deserve to have a moment where Tom remembers Rachel and mourns her, and if the show won't give it to us, we will just have to live in fanfics lol. Also, super huge thanks to maereed on tumblr for the idea/inspiration for this fic! Hope you all like it!
Tom stood in his cabin for a minute, confused and overwhelmed with all that had happened recently. He shook his head, and decided he needed to go for a walk to clear his mind. He left his cabin, mindlessly roaming the halls of the James. He passed by the members of his old crew who saluted him, but he nodded to each one and kept walking. He wasn't in the mood for conversation.
Tom had no particular destination in mind, but as he roamed, he found himself drawn toward the now empty lab in the bottom of the ship. He couldn't say exactly why or how he ended up there, but he wasn't surprised when he found himself standing alone outside the dull plastic barriers. The place seemed so empty, so serene and quiet, and Tom sighed. He remembered when this place had been a hive of activity, the focal point of a mission to save the world. He remembered a time when he had brought the whole crew down here, to rally them together and get them behind Dr. Scott and her mission.
Dr. Scott.
Rachel. Just looking at the empty room made Tom's heart ache in his chest. It was almost as if he could still see her down here, working furiously to create a cure that would save the world. Just being down here, Tom found himself back in the days when she was still with them. He remembered all the arguments they had down here in this very lab. He remembered the confusion and terror of finding out her big secret. He remembered the guilt she had carried when they all found out the truth about the virus, and he wished he had been there for her throughout it all, more than he had been.
Tom slowly strolled around the lab, picking up a few stray papers and vials that still lay discarded on the tables. He thought back to the time of the human trials, and all the fear and pain that had laced this place. Somehow, though, thinking back, Tom had never given up hope. Somehow, he had always known Rachel could do it. He had always believed in her, even when they fought and argued. She was the only hope the world had, and Tom wished he had gotten the chance to tell her that she had been his hope, too.
Walking around, Tom found himself outside the plastic walls again, in the spot where Rachel had told him that they had a working cure. We don't just have a vaccine. We have the cure. It was almost as if Tom could hear her saying those words to him once again. He doubted he would ever forget that moment. The moment they had all been hoping for and working toward for so long.
Momentarily, Tom was taken back to that moment. The moment both he and Rachel realized they had accomplished their mission. The moment he had been overcome with emotion and found himself wrapping his arms around her. The woman who had become his only hope, the cornerstone of his mission. The woman who had saved them all. He remembered what it had felt like to hold her, the person who was the savior of the world. It was the most grounded he had felt since they had set sail on that fateful voyage. It had all seemed so right, having her in his arms. The two people who had given up everything to save everyone, finally finding comfort in each other's arms. It had been so right. So how had everything ended up so wrong?
Tom leaned back against the wall and scrubbed his face with his hands, sighing angrily. He refused to let himself cry. He had too much to do to give in to despair and grief. But at the same time, he couldn't help but feel like he had failed. After that night outside his hotel room, he had felt like he and Rachel were moving toward something. He had thought that, maybe, when she got back, she really would find him, and things would be okay. They could both move past all they had lost, and find happiness again, together. Happiness like he had only known in her arms, that day right here in this spot. But he failed her. He failed to keep her safe, and now she was gone.
Tom would never again know the feel of holding Rachel in his arms. He would never again know the feeling of her lips on his, her hand on his neck, pulling him to her. He remembered that kiss on the Vyerni well. It was a moment he had never expected, but a moment he had come to treasure in later days. Although at the time neither of them had been in a place where they were willing to talk about what that kiss had meant to them, Tom had thought about it a lot recently, and even more so after what had happened tonight in his cabin. He would never had admitted it before, even to himself, but it was Rachel's kiss he longed for, and that had never been more clear to him than it was after tonight.
Despite his best efforts, Tom's mind slowly became consumed by thoughts of Rachel and what he could have done differently that night. If only he had walked her to her room, or asked her to come to his room and talk, or taken her back down to the party downstairs and shared a drink with her like he had so longed to do.
But he had been afraid. He had been a coward. He hadn't wanted to get involved in something yet, knowing Rachel would be leaving the next morning. It was all too complicated, and he had still needed time to adjust to everything. He had hoped that once her mission westward was over, she would come back and find him, and he had been content to leave it there, for now. If only he had known.
Tom turned around and pounded his fist on the wall, fighting back angry tears. How, when things had finally seemed to be going well, had he let all of it fall apart? When things had finally started taking shape, everything had broken, and Tom wasn't sure if he would ever be able to put the pieces back together again.
Tom was so confused and overwhelmed about everything that was happening lately, and if he was honest with himself, he knew why he had subconsciously decided to come down here to the lab.
When it seemed like the world was falling apart, he missed having Rachel by his side.