My head was spinning. That lord could have been on to something. Something huge. I couldn't help but wish desperately that my hunch was right. If I could turn some small items into gold, I could be rich. And if I were rich, Lucy would be too. I dunked one corner of the conch shell into the pool and pulled it out quickly. I didn't want to chance the magic turning me into gold so I dropped the shell on the sand in front of me. I watched intently as the magic made the shell turn gold and then it stopped. The shell looked covered, but the sand was still the same as it was before.
I hesitated for a second. I was unsure if my mind was playing tricks on me again. So many times in my dreams I found myself rich. Or back in Narnia for good. But then something bad always happened or I woke up.
But this didn't feel like a dream. So I picked it up. And it was solid gold. You could tell because the shell was a lot heavier. I could turn things into gold. I could have as much gold as I wanted. I could take this gold back to England and be with Lucy. I could-
"What are you staring at?" Lucy's voice snapped me out of my daydreams. I had to explain. I had to do this. For her. "Whoever has access to this pool, could be the most powerful person in the world." And as the most powerful person, no one could tell me what to do. But Lucy, my sweet angelic Lucy, wouldn't understand what I meant. She'd think I was just being pigheaded and greedy. I had to get her to understand. I'm thinking of her. It's always been for her.
"Lucy. We'd be so rich. No one could tell us what to do. Or who to live with." I hope she understood what I was implying. If we were rich. No one could tell us we couldn't be together. We could go to America and live there with Peter and Susan. We could finally live like we did in the golden age. I could even marry her again. We could-
"You can't take anything out of Narnia Edmund." Caspian's voice cut through my thoughts. He's just jealous. He doesn't want me to have the gold. He wants it all for himself. But he can't stop me. "Says who." I questioned sarcastically. If I could bring things in, I could leave with them too.
"I do." Those two little words filled my entire being with a sense of despair. The despair only lasted a second before intense anger took over. I was enraged. I was so tired of people telling me what to do. All I wanted to do was be with Lucy. But no. I couldn't. But that all ends here. No one will tell me what to do. Not anymore. I needed to stand up for myself. For Lucy. So we could be together again.
"I am not your subject." I spat out venomously at Caspian while standing up with my sword. He would never understand. He couldn't have Susan because Aslan didn't bless their union and sent us home. With Susan never to return. But Aslan blessed our union. Aslan himself married Lucy and me in the golden age. And yet we still can't be together. He was just jealous. But I would get my way this time. No more would I be subject to anyone's tyranny. I would fight for her. For Lucy. Until death.
"You've been waiting for this haven't you?" He questioned bitterly as I stalked up to him. "To Challenge me. You doubt my leadership!" He continued. Please. That is not what this is about. It was NEVER about him. Just her. Always Lucy.
"You doubt yourself." I throw back in his face. But if he really wants to have me king, I'll take it. A king can marry whomever they want. So I could still have Lucy. "You're a child!" He yelled at me. But really if you counted up all the years I lived in Narnia, plus the years in England, I'm older than him. So who's the child now?
"And you're a spineless sap!" I yelled right back. Never willing to fight for himself and still not over Susan. It's been three years and she ISN'T coming back. EVER. Get over it.
"Edmund!" Lucy tried to get me to leave Caspian alone. But I pushed her arm away. Couldn't she see? I HAD to fight. For her. If we were to ever be together again. I HAD to do this. Whether it hurt me or not. And poor sweet Lucy doesn't understand. I hope she will let me explain later.
"I'm TIRED of playing second fiddle. First it was Peter, and now it's you!" If I were High King, I would never had let Lucy go. No one would have been able to make me. Like Peter did when we returned to our world. And now how Caspian was trying. "You know I'm braver than both of you!" I keep yelling at Caspian. I had to get this off my chest. I was the better man. The better king. I was the one always on the front line in the most danger! And all of it was for Lucy! And yet no one would let me be with her?! It was unjust and as the Just King, I had to right it. For Lucy, and myself.
"Why do you get Peter's sword?! I deserve a kingdom of my own!" But just a kingdom of my own wouldn't guarantee that I could have Lucy. I needed more. I know she misses me. And how we used to be. I still hear her cry at night. And hear her talking in her sleep. She needs me to step up and take care of her. "I deserve to rule" I finished my rant. Now they both knew what I wanted. But I wasn't sure they understood why I wanted it. But I didn't care if Caspian understood. He didn't matter. Only she does. Only Lucy.
"If you think you're so brave, PROVE IT!" Caspian spat, shoving me backwards. I must admit now, I'm not proud of what I did or said before. But I feel even worse for what I did next. As I was falling backwards, I flung my sword towards Caspian and started a dual. We struck at each other two more times before falling back into a more defensive stance. And right as we were about to go at it again, Lucy stepped in between us.
"NO! STOP IT!" Lucy yelled. And I swear it was my valiant queen. Like we had never left Narnia. She stood there like a fierce warrior with the eyes of a lioness. An angry lioness at that. And it was directed at me. I hadn't felt this much shame since we were married and Peridan tried to court her and I ambushed him in training.
"BOTH OF YOU!" She looked at Caspian now. It was obvious that she wasn't happy with either of us. Then she calmed down. It looked like she was going to cry. And it broke my heart. But then she composed herself again. "Look at yourselves! Can't you see what's happening?" She was speaking to us calmly, with a hint of disappointment and sadness. Like she used to talk to our daughter when she got in trouble.
"This place has tempted you. It's bewitching you! This is exactly what Coriakin was talking about!" She finished. I have never felt such shame. I am older. I am her husband. I am supposed to be taking care of her. And here she is, taking care of us, and making sure we don't do things we will regret. Oh Aslan. I am sorry.
"Let's just get out of here." She said giving me one last look before walking away. And she didn't look back. She was obviously very upset with me. She thought that I had gotten over the greedy stage. And I had. I really hope she lets me explain. I was doing all of this for her!
I looked at the shell once more. Was it really worth it? Worth getting into a fight with Caspian who had been like another brother to me? Yes. Lucy was worth all of that and more. But Lucy wouldn't want me to fight. Which is what should have stopped me. I would do anything for her. Even if that meant I had to wait an eternity to be with her again.
I looked up at Caspian. He saw the shell still in my hand. I could see in his eyes the struggle to trust me. He was still unsure if we were bewitched or if he should fight me. But then he looked down and walked away. Obviously leaving me to make my decision on my own.
I looked at the shell again. Should I keep it? It would mean losing Caspian's trust, and maybe for good. But I would still have that gold. And it might be enough to buy Lucy and me a trip to America.
But Lucy. What would she think? She would most definitely NOT be happy. She would rather wait to be with me and cry every night for a thousand years or more, than have Caspian's trust in me be broken. I knew what I had to do.
But that didn't make it any easier. I held in my hand a ticket to being with Lucy. And I had to throw it away.
I gave the shell one last look before I tossed it back in the pool and walked away. Never turning back.
I needed to apologize. To Lucy and Caspian. But I wanted to apologize separately, so I could explain. I don't want to make excuses, but I also don't want to lose their trust! UGH! And the entire walk back to the others was filled with an awkward silence. You could tell Lucy was still disappointed in both of us, but mostly me. She keep glancing at me when she thought I couldn't see. And it broke my heart. She was so sad, confused and hurt. And Caspian wasn't any better. He still didn't trust me. He didn't know if I kept the shell or not. He was sending me glances, trying to figure out if I kept it or left it in that chasm. I wanted to pull Lucy aside and explain. But Caspian would think that I kept the shell and was telling her. It seemed I could do nothing. At least for now.
We finally made it back to the others, but the awkward silence between all of us was still there. Caspian and Lucy had stopped giving me glances and now refused to look at me. I hung out at the back of the group waiting for the opportune moment to pull Lucy aside and apologize.
We got closer and Caspian asked what food they found. It wasn't much. Then Lucy asked about Eustace who was nowhere to be seen. Reep said he said was off not helping. I scanned the area. I couldn't see hide nor hair of him anywhere.
Lucy started to panic. She yelled for him twice, but there was no response. She was scared. You could hear it in her voice and I could see it in the way she held herself.
She slowly turned around and met my eyes. Her eyes were full of panic and fear. "Edmund I've got a bad feeling." The last time she told me she had a bad feeling was the night we almost lost our baby. I knew that if she was saying that, she meant it. And something bad was coming our way.
I looked around behind her one last time before telling her I'd go find him. I could tell she was still worried and didn't want me to go alone. But she knew I would never let her go with me. Not with all the danger on this island and her bad feeling.
As I was walking away I heard Caspian say, "I'll come with you." I turned back and looked at him gratefully. He handed Lucy the extra sword and caught up with me. This is my chance to apologize. I just had to find the words to explain.
I waited until we were out of sight. "Caspian?" I asked. "Hmmm…" he was still wary of me and busy looking for Eustace. "I didn't keep the gold. I threw it back in the pool." I said glancing at him. I could see the shock and relief on his face. As he turned to face me I quickly turned away. "I just thought you should know." I mumbled embarrassed. This would be harder than I expected. And I still hadn't apologized yet.
"That's… a relief." He finally said. It was still awkward as we continued on looking for Eustace. We kept walking for another five minutes or so before the awkward silence became too much. I huffed. "Look I need to apologize. And explain. I-"
"No need to apologize or explain Edmund." Caspian cut me off looking away. "Yes there is a need. And I'm going to do it whether you like it or not!" I swung around and said to his face. I had caught him by surprise. But I could also see the interest in his eyes. He wanted to know why it happened, but was too afraid to ask.
"I'm not sure I'll be able to find the right words. I've never been great with explaining my feelings. But first I need to apologize. I am truly sorry for what I said and did back in that chasm. The temptation got to me, and I know I should have ignored it. I was wrong and I hope you can find it in you to forgive me. You are a great king. Narnia needs you. Not me. I don't want your throne. I never have. I just let the desperation take over and decided that being king would solve my problems. But it won't. And I am truly grateful Lucy was there because if I had harmed you…I don't know what I'd do. You're like another brother to me. And I haven't had a brother near in such a long time. What with you being here and Peter being away with Susan and our parents back in our world. I needed this trip. I missed having older brothers around to help me sort out my problems. And I almost threw it all away. I hope you can forgive me." I finally choke out. It was a longer apology than I expected, but it came from my heart so I guess it was an okay one. Lucy was always better at making apologies. That's why I usually have her write mine.
"You hope I can forgive you? Edmund, I already have. You seem to forget, but the temptation got to me as well. I started doubting myself and I saw you as someone trying to take my throne. I pushed you. I helped create this mess. So I hope you can forgive me! I shouldn't have let it get to me. I shouldn't have pushed you. I shouldn't have called you a child. A lot of what happened was my fault as well. So for that I am truly sorry. You are like a brother to me as well. Your family is the only family I have left. If I had harmed you...I know nothing good would have come from that. So please Edmund forgive me!" Caspian's answering plea of forgiveness was not what I was expecting.
"Of course I forgive you!" I sputtered out. In shock that he had pleaded for forgiveness. He gave me a smile and wrapped me in a half hug. One that I reciprocated quickly and jumped out of. Just because we had a heart to heart apology does NOT mean I like that kind of affection. The only person I can tolerate that kind of affection from is Lucy. Well alright, I more than tolerate Lucy's, but in my defense she IS my WIFE!
"I don't mean to pry, but what did you mean when you said that the desperation had gotten to you Ed?" Caspian cut me out of my internal ramblings once again. "What problems do you have that being a king is the only way to solve them?" Caspian had gotten the courage to finally ask what had been plaguing him since we left the pool.
"I…Well… How much of the Golden Age history do you know now?" I ask. I'm not really sure how to start this conversation. 'Oh my problems? Well I married my sister the first time we came here, had two kids and have been separated from her since we were forced back to England the first time and it's slowly killing us both!' That answer just doesn't seem the smart way to go.
"Pardon?" He asks, confused on why a history lesson is important for the explanation of my actions. I sigh. "It's important. Trust me. But I'll make it simpler. How much of my history from the Golden Age do you know? And leave nothing you've heard out. Rumors and all." I pretty much demand with my eyes closed. "Please." I add as an afterthought and open my eyes to look at him. This conversation will be hard.
"You came in from Spare Oom one night with Lucy, but Lucy did not know you were here. You met the White Witch. Lucy found you and you both went back to Spare Oom. Then all four of you came in from Spare Oom and went looking for Mr. Tumnus. He had been captured and you met a beaver. You all went to the beaver's dam and you…" he had been looking down concentrating on remembering his history lessons, but now he looked up and met my piercing gaze. I stared back emotionlessly. I couldn't let it get to me. It was my past and I have been forgiven and have redeemed myself. Or so Lucy says.
"Go on." I finally choke out. He looks down again and continues in a whisper I had to strain to hear. "You betrayed your family and left them to be with the Witch." He looks up again and I nod in confirmation. I make a gesture to remind him to keep going.
"Your brother and sisters went to Aslan for help and they eventually got you back. But the Witch claimed you as hers so Aslan died in your place at the stone table. The Narnian's thought he was dead and went to battle under Peter's authority. And during the battle you smashed the Witch's wand and she stabbed you. Aslan came back to life and with your sisters brought reinforcements and Narnia won the war. Lucy healed you and the next day you were all crowned." He stopped and looked up.
"What more do I need to know?" He asked quietly. "What more do you know about my personal life after the coronation?" I counter, just as quiet as he was. "Remember rumors and all." I remind him.
He gives me one last look before looking down again. "You grew up at Cair Paravel. You fought alongside your brother in the frontline of many battles and almost died a lot of times. Then when you turned fifteen, you were expected to start courting. But you didn't. The rumors were that you were courting a lady though, in secret. But no one could figure out who it was. Then when you were seventeen, you and Lucy went on a quest to find Aslan. And when you came back…the rumors were that you and Lucy were engaged. And that Peter and Susan got so mad they locked you both away in your rooms for a week until Aslan came and set you free. Then when Lucy turned eighteen, the rumors were that you and Lucy married. But no one could confirm anything. There were even rumors that Lucy bore you a child. But no one really believed that because in Telmarine history there were no humans in Narnia when we invaded and that was soon after you all…left." He finished awkwardly. But it's what I needed to hear.
At least he has had the idea in his head. I just hope he doesn't react the way that Peter and Susan did. "That's my problem Caspian." I sighed. "I can't be with my wife in our world. And I can't stay here with her either. The rumors were true." He looked up at me in shock. "Lucy and I were married in the Golden Age. Aslan himself blessed our union and married us. Our quest when I was seventeen was to find Aslan and ask his forgiveness and ask for advice about what we should do. In our world, it is wrong and against the law to be with a family member. So we felt guilty for keeping it a secret and having a relationship…But we loved each other so fiercely that we couldn't stay away. And Aslan told us that we weren't wrong. That our love was pure and it was true love. He told us that we could be together and blessed our union. So I asked and she said yes and we did have kids. A beautiful girl and another one on the way. Lucy was pregnant when we were sent back. She was in a very early stage. Lucy always said it was another girl, but I disagreed. I wanted a boy. We argued about it all the time. Then we were sent back to our world and we went back to the ages we were when we first came into Narnia. As if no time had passed at all. So the baby didn't survive going from this world to the next. We cried for days. And that's all we did. I think she is still in mourning now. We never even knew if it was a boy or a girl, so we had to guess. I gave up on arguing and agreed that it was a girl. Lucy and I even planted some flowers out in our garden so we would have somewhere to go to think of her. But it wasn't the same as a real burial. And no one except Susan and Peter even knew why we were so sad. And I still don't know what became of our baby girl. Last time I saw Aslan, I was too afraid to ask him. And angry. Angry that he sent us back. Where we couldn't be together and he knew that. Angry that sending us back killed our precious unborn baby and left our daughter alone with no explanation of why her parents left her. But knowing what I know now, I forgive him. But I still long to be with my wife. And I know she longs to be with me. She cries herself to sleep every night and I have to just stand by and watch it. And she has nightmares where she calls out for me and our children and there is little comfort I can bring her. And Caspian," I look at him and I know I look crazy and desperate. "It's killing me!" I choke out.
"I thought if I could take the gold, I could buy a trip for Lucy and I to a place called America. Somewhere no one would know us and we could pretend we weren't related and get married again and be together. But that was a stupid thought. Because you were right. I can't take things out of Narnia. No matter how much I wish I could." I finally finish my explanation and sink to my knees in the sand.
"Oh Edmund." Caspian finally understood my pain. He experienced it himself with losing Susan, but he knew my pain was worse. I lost my wife, but she was still in my reach. I just couldn't have her. And I lost our children. He sunk to his knees and moved to hug me, but I jerked away and stood up wiping all emotion from my face. I have had plenty of practice doing that in England.
"Enough of this girly talk. I just wanted you to understand. Now come on, we've wasted enough time as it is. We need to find Eustace before Lucy kills us." I say gruffly. But I know Caspian wasn't fooled. Thankfully he made the wise decision to agree with me and we continued on our search to find Eustace.
Now all I had to do was apologize to Lucy. But I wasn't looking forward to that conversation either.
I haven't had the chance to apologize to Lucy all day! What with the search for Eustace, finding the dragon's horde, being captured by a dragon, finding out that the dragon is Eustace and the meeting on what to do about our new dragon cousin, it's been a busy day. I've barely had any time to even look at Lucy, let alone to pull her aside and beg for her forgiveness.
I can tell she's still upset with me. She won't look at me or leave Gayle and Eustace. But this is killing me. If she doesn't let me apologize soon, I'm going to explode! I'm almost to the point of dragging her off and making her listen to me!
I walk up to her, Reep, Eustace, and Gayle. "Lu. I really want to talk to you. In private. Please!" I practically beg her. I refuse to look away from her eyes to show her how serious I am. And how I won't take 'no' for an answer. I can see the distress on her face. She doesn't know what she wants to do. I plead with my expression for her to just give me five minutes.
"Okay Edmund. But we must make it quick. I have things to do." She replies rather stiffly. This is the tone of voice she would use when she was mad at me, but didn't want our daughter to know. Just when I thought I couldn't feel any worse, she brings me down to a new low. Maybe she should've been the law enforcer, she's way better at making people feel guilty than I am.
Lucy gives me one last glance and walks stiffly off down the beach away from prying eyes and ears. As I went to follow her, I made eye contact with Caspian. He gave me a nod, like he understood what I was about to do. I gave him a grimace back and marched after Lucy.
As we were rounding the corner, out of sight I heard Captain Drinian ask Caspian where we were going and if we knew how dangerous it was out there. And as I left hearing range I heard Caspian reply "The King and Queen of Old have something important to discuss. But don't worry, they've faced much worse on their own before. Aslan walks among them…" and then silence.
I knew what I wanted to do. And what I wanted to say. I just needed to gather the courage to talk to Lucy. I mean it's just Lucy. I can talk to her about anything! Why is this so hard?
As I was engrossed in my thoughts, I failed to notice Lucy stop and turn around. She was waiting on me to finally start talking, but I just kept walking. As I past her, she reached out and pulled me back by the back of my tunic. "Edmund! We've gone far enough away! Now just say what you wanted so we can go back to camp. I promised Gayle a bed time story from the Days of Old tonight. And she has to be in bed by-"
"She reminds you of Arian, doesn't she?" I cut her off without thinking. Lucy looked like someone had slapped her in the face. A tidal wave of emotion crashed and waned on her face. Shock, disbelief, unbearable pain, and anger.
"Don't you dare bring her up as if I'm trying to replace her with Gayle." She practically growled at me. This is not how my apology was supposed to go. Why don't I think before I speak?! "Lu…I didn't mean anything like that. At all. I just meant. They act similar. Gayle reminds me of Arian…that's why I don't like to talk to her….it hurts…too much. I know you'd never try and replace our daughter. I didn't even mean to talk about Gayle at all. I meant to apologize. And now it seems I have two things to apologize for…and you know how hard apologies are for me." I try to lighten her mood. I really don't want her upset with me for the rest of the trip. It would ruin everything.
Thankfully Lucy's eyes do soften a little. "Well. I'm sorry for snapping at you Edmund. But you haven't been yourself on this island, so I am upset with you. Go on with your apology then." Lucy said. And while I could be mistaken, I'm rather sure I saw a gleam of amusement in her eyes, along with the disappointment and anger. Great.
"Alright. Here I go." I took a deep breath. "Lucy, I'm so very sorry for the pain I've caused you today. You are right. I haven't been acting like myself. And for that, I am ashamed. You have no idea how bad I feel right now. I don't want to make any excuses, so here it is. I was being arrogant and a prat and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Please. Oh and before you ask, yes I already apologized to Caspian and he reciprocated and we are good now." There, hopefully that was eloquent enough and she accepts.
"Edmund. I forgive you. But I know there's something more to it than just this island. What's going on?" Bollocks. Lucy always knows when I'm hiding something! "It's nothing Lu, seriou-"
"Ed. Spill. NOW!" Lucy all but demands of me. "Okay! Okay. You know I'm no good with words." I grumble as I sit down on the beach. "So? When has that ever been a problem with me? I understand your jumbled thoughts. But only if you tell me what's going on." Lucy replied gently as she sat beside me and took my hand.
"Alright. This won't be easy. So just let me get it all out, okay?" I plead looking into her eyes. I can tell she's caught off guard, but she just nods. I look down at our intertwined hands and take a deep breath.
"You know, I still hear you cry yourself to sleep. I wait until Eustace is asleep and then I sit outside of your door until your sobs quiet and I hear you start to snore. It kills me not to go in and hold you, but I know it'd just make things worse for you…I just want you to be happy. I know it's no excuse, but I do what I do, for you. The island made it worse. I thought if I could get all that gold home we could use it to run away to America and start a new life as husband and wife again. But that was naïve. Because even if I could get the gold home, you'd never want to leave our parents. And Susan and Peter. And while Su and Pete would understand, our parents never will…and it just hurts. And I have to carry all this pain because I'm alone! I can't be with you alone for more than two minutes and no one else but Peter understands and he's miles away and I get so, so, so…." Without realizing it I had gotten so worked up that I started pacing and crying.
And Lucy, my beautiful, wonderful Lucy had her hand clasped over her mouth crying too. "Oh Lu." I whispered as I fell to my knees and crawled in front of her. She pulled my head onto her chest and started smoothing back my hair. "Shhh…shhh. Edmund. We WILL get through this! I promise! Somehow we will figure this out! I know it…Aslan wouldn't bless our union if we couldn't work it out somehow!"
Lucy was always the one of us with the most faith. And I had to draw my strength from her. "I know." I mumbled back as I sat up. "Sometimes it just becomes too much though. But I have faith. And I will NEVER give up on you. Not for as long as I live." I promise her as I look her in the eyes. She gives me one final searching gaze before she pulls me close and kisses me. Our first kiss in such a long time I close my eyes and savor our passionate embrace which is over far too soon.
Our foreheads against each other we both take a deep breath and open our eyes. "We will get through this." She repeats again, looking into my eyes. She must have found whatever reassurance she was looking for because she pulled back. "Now let's go back to camp my king." She smiled and wiped the tears off my cheeks. "Alright my queen." I smiled too as I wiped her tears off and helped her up.
While it might not have gone like I planned at least she accepted my apology and started calling me her king again. "Oh and by the way I might have told Caspian everything…" I trailed off as we started walking towards camp. "What? Ed. I thought we were going to keep that a secret! You know he's going to tease us now." She huffed, but I caught a hint of a smile on her face.
"Sorry!" I yelled laughing as we entered the camp. Caspian came over and saw me laughing and Lucy trying not to join in. "So I take it that the lover's spat has ended?" he asked with a smirk. "See?! What did I tell you?!" Lucy cried in outrage and then burst into laughter. Caspian still looked confused, which only fueled her laughter. "Alright alright. It's not that funny Lu. Go tell Gayle her bedtime story of Old. Maybe one with Arian, eh?" I lightly push her to the tired girl by the fire.
"Alright Ed. Goodnight my king. Love you." She replies over her shoulder as she composed herself. "Goodnight my queen. Love you too." I reply before Caspian cuffs the back of my head. "Hey! What's that for?" I yelp. "What did you do to make Lu laugh at me?" he pouts. "Nothing!" I cry defensive. "I just told her that I told you about our relationship and then she claimed you'd tease us. Then the second you got over here, you did tease us. That's not my fault, it's yours!" I claim then childishly stick out my tongue.
I duck another cuff aimed at my head and started for my pallet. "Goodnight, my King." I hear Caspian mock behind me. "Goodnight my Prince." I call back turning around for a second to see his shocked face before laughing and laying down for the night on my pallet.
It's been a long and emotional journey so far, but it's not over yet. And with that thought I'm off to sleep.