Twin Piques

by Colonel Cooper

Imagine if ABC had insisted that David Lynch wrap up the Laura Palmer storyline, and he responded, in a fit of pique, by doing it in 60 seconds flat. Not only that but he simultaneously wraps up the Audrey/Cooper storyline - therefore "Twin Piques."

"Can I speak to her Doc?"

"Make it brief, Agent Cooper."

"Of course. Ronette, I hear you've been having nightmares. What is it you remember?"

"Well, Pam walks into the bathroom – and Bobby's having a fucking shower! Can you believe it? They expected us to believe that the previous season was a dream, and that Bobby wasn't dead. I've seen some lame-ass storylines in my time, but that took the biscuit."

"Wait until we get to Evelyn Marsh and Pine Weasels."

"What?"

"Never mind. I'm not really interested in what you remember about 'Dallas' – I'm more concerned about 'Twin Peaks' right now."

Oh right, let's see. Well Laura Palmer was murdered by her father, every one in town was screwing someone else, and this quirky F.B.I. agent gets possessed…"

"Wait up – Leland killed his own daughter?"

"Of course! Say, you look like that F.B.I. agent."

"I am an F.B.I. agent."

"Wow, what a coincidence."

"It sure is. Excuse me – Harry, I need a warrant for the arrest of Leland Palmer."

"Sure thing, Coop."

"Aces – talking of screwing, I'm off to One-Eyed Jack's. Blackie's got a new girl for me, goes by the name of Hester - or is it Prudence?"