The Best Gamblers Know When to Walk Away
SPOILER ALERT!!!! I live in Canada and saw "The Parts in the Sum of the Whole" tonight, a day earlier than in the States. So, if you have not seen the episode, this story will completely spoil it for you- consider yourself warned!!!!
Author's Note:
This is my take on how things in the season finale might unfold based on tonight's MASSIVE episode. I both loved and hated The Parts in the Sum of the Whole- and my heart absolutely broke for both Booth and Brennan. This story is written from Booth's perspective because I find him easier to write.
As always, I don't own them…I only wish I did.
As I walked towards her office door, I knew this conversation was going to hurt us both more than any words we had ever spoken or heard before. When they say that the hardest thing to do for someone you love is to let them go, they really aren't kidding. I had to let her go and I had to make her release me. There was no other way.
It started months ago, after we had spent the afternoon with Sweets telling him about our very first case together. Although he initially thought that our description of that early encounter ruined his book, I am sure that in time he realized that it only proved his hypothesis in a different way. He was right about the whole suppression of emotion and the dam being ready to burst- at least from my side of things.
After we left Sweet's office, out on the sidewalk, when I told her that I was the guy who knew, I was telling the truth. I had known. From that very first moment when I walked into that lecture hall and was mesmerized by her, I knew that she was the one. And when we almost shared that cab back to my place, I knew. I told her about my gambling problem because I could already see that she could become the most important person in my life. I just knew. But now, I had to somehow extract her from the place in my soul that she had resided in since the beginning- it actually felt like a surgical procedure- I had to close the door on that. I had to stop knowing what I knew from the moment I met her. I had to force myself into some kind of emotional amnesia. I had to forget.
So, when I closed her office door behind me and she looked up from her desk I could already feel my throat swelling shut and the sting behind my eyelids. But if I ever I was going to be the strong alpha male she always accused me of being, now was the time. She could tell something was wrong as soon as she saw me- and not wrong like the way things are wrong when you have a bad day- but wrong like when your whole universe is about to be thrown off balance. The smile on her face faded quickly and apprehension gathered in her eyes.
"I wanted to come here and tell you something before any official announcement is made," my voice was thick and sounded far away. "I've requested a transfer and it has been approved. I'll be moving to the Denver field office sometime next month."
The silence is like a wall. Everything surrounding me is muffled and blurry-the only thing I see with clarity is her face, which has become motionless and pale. Her lips move but no words come out and she stops trying to speak. I know what she is asking so in spite of everything, I still cannot refuse her and I answer the question.
"Because I can't be close to you everyday and not be with you. I tried Bones, I really did. I thought I could be the guy who accepts that the woman he loves doesn't love him back and that I could be friends and keep working with you, but I can't. I told you I need to move on, but that is impossible for me to do when I see you everyday and you're just so…" I lost the rest of my sentence when the tears start to trickle down her cheeks. Glancing down at the floor, I choked back my own sadness and tried to finish what I needed to tell her. "I did everything I could Bones. I stopped spending time with you outside of work – and I know that hurt you, but it hurts me too much to have you and yet not have you in the way I really want. I tried to create distance. I dated other women. I tried to go back to the way things were before I asked you to give us a chance, but there is no rewind button on life and now it all just hurts. So, I have to leave. It's the only way I know how to do this. I need to start again without you in my life."
There is nothing left to say so I stare at her for a last long moment, attempting to share one more look with her that says a million words. I want so much for things to be different. I wish I had never confessed to her that I loved her or that I had tried harder to convince that she could change and that she already had changed in the time we had known each other. But none of my imagined solutions could help us anymore. It was too late for any kind of salvation. The time had come to walk away, and so with lips trembling, heart pounding and my eyes burning, I opened the door and proceeded to do just that. I had only walked a few feet when I heard her chair move across the floor and realized with dread that she was following me. Picking up the pace, I made it past the exam platform before her voice echoed across the room.
"Booth," my name was a pained cry. "Please….don't do this."
I stopped dead in my tracks and dropped my chin to my chest as I tried to gather my resolve. I knew that once I turned around and saw her again it would take every ounce of my strength to leave. Eyes cast down, I spun on my heel and took another deep breath before raising my field of vision. Back near her office, Bones had her hands clenched and I could see her chest heaving with the hyperventilation you get when you are trying desperately to breathe instead of sob. Her eyes glistened and I could see the wetness on her cheeks. Every muscle in my body wanted to run to her and I took a step backwards to physically propel myself in the opposite direction.
"Please Booth," her tonewas pleading, "please don't do this to me."
Suddenly, out of some part of my emotional self that I was not even aware of at that moment, frustration as sharp as a razor rose up in me and when I responded, my words carried a hard edge of anger.
"For god's sake Bones, be a little bit fair would you?! You can't have it both ways OK? I need to keep my sanity. I need to have a chance at a life. It can't all be about what you need anymore. I have to do some kind of self-preservation! You can't break my heart and expect me to come in here every day and let you walk on the pieces! I can't stay here just to try and convince you that not everyone leaves so the damage your parents did to you is repaired. People do leave Bones. When someone loves you and you don't love them back, eventually they leave."
The fury in my heart seemed to spin me around again without any conscious thought and I headed for the door, leaving the hostile words hanging in the air. When I hear her voice again, it was hollow and sad in a way that breaks my heart anew.
"I never said I didn't love you back." My steps faltered and the anger faded to be replaced by a familiar flare of hope in my heart.
"Pardon?" I asked without turning to face her.
"I never said I didn't love you, " her voice is closer now and I know she has moved towards me. "When you asked me to give us a chance, I told you I had to protect you from me- because I am so afraid I will hurt you, but I wanted to protect you because I do love you. I know you don't always agree with my logic, but I thought you understood this. I never wanted to break your heart Booth, I only wanted to protect it. I love you, but I don't know how to do that properly so I was afraid to try in case I let you down."
Finally, I could bear it no longer and I slowly returned my eyes to hers. "I always understood your logic Bones, which is why I tried to stick it out and do the friends and partners thing. And I know you're afraid of trying to be what I know we can be together, but I can protect myself Bones. I'm willing to take the risks. If you can't move past your fear and take the risks too, then there is nothing left for us to do but go our separate ways." I paused to let her consider what I said and then, because I am still so powerless to resist the gravitational pull of her, I filled the space between us. Her skin was soft as my hand traced the curve of her neck and when I feel her pulse, I let my finger tips rest against its rhythmic tremor. Testing my own determination, I let my lips brush against hers ever so briefly. "I'm here for another month Bones- so you need to decide what you want to do."
I left her standing there alone in the middle of the lab, with tears still in her eyes. And now all I can do is wait and see if she stops me from getting on the plane to Colorado. It is her turn to show her cards or fold.