Bass
The Real Story
You think you know the story of Bass' origin? He was created and then he was fighting robots and then he went bad after they tried to delete him? Something along those lines right? WRONG. Dead fucking wrong!! Bass wasn't some pussy bitch who decided to hate the world after some bad experience. No. Bass is way to badass for that shit. Maybe that bitch MegaMan, or his whore Roll, or his little pretty boy, asshole, butt-buddy Protoman would do some shit like that. But no, not Bass. I mean shit! Bass is short for badass! Why do you think his name is Bass? You think he was named after a fucking fish?? Or do you believe that music bullshit Inafune tells you? Maybe the Japanese version of MegaMan is based off of that lame ass shit, but when they brought it over to America and changed the names, they were like: "Let's turn Rockman into MegaMan 'kuz he's a mega-douche." and "Let's make Blues Protoman, 'kuz he has a proton butt-plug.". But when they got to MegaMan 7, they were like: "HOLY SHIT!!! Who the fuck is this badass motherfucker?!?" and they called up Inafune and he said: "Watakashiro no owanidesu." or some Japanese shit. They couldn't understand what the fuck he was saying and neither can I. Back to my point, they were considering calling him BatMan, but that was already taken, then they tried BlackMan, but that just pissed Jessie Jackson off, so they decided to take badass, remove the "da", and got Bass. Now back to my original topic.
One day there was a man named Dr. SATAN!!! Now, Satan loved his creations. He loved his violence, his aids, his murder, his rape, he loved all of them. But after years of the same things he began to get bored with the way things were turning out. The world was slowly becoming less savage, and most of the killing was being done on battlefields. Satan loved many thing, but the one thing he hated more than God was war. War was to simple, Satan craved brutality, dismemberment, cannibalism, war was too "civil". So, in the year 20XX, he decided to create the ultimate tool of destruction. He gave it badass armor, badass weapons, a badass voice, a badass pet wolf/dog/thing. And to top it all off, a badass cloak/robe/you know what the fuck it is...
After seconds of preparation, (he's Satan, it doesn't take him long to make shit), he left Bass lying on a... umm... I don't know, imagine Hell, now imagine a room in Hell, now imagine a thing that resembles a tree stump but it's make of Hell. That's what Bass was lying on. Now, God learned from an informant that Satan was building the ultimate tool of destruction, and, being the little devil that he is (haha get it, I called God a devil), brought this creation to life and instructed it to kill Satan.
Bass, being the badass that he is, was all like "Fuck you God!" Now, anyone who knows anything about Christianity knows the seventh commandment: "Thou shall not tell God to fuck himself". And anyone who knows anything about Christianity knows that God kills anyone who fucks with his seventh commandment. So, Bass was screwed. OH WAIT A MINUTE, NUH-UH!!! Because Bass did something God had never seen before. Something so amazing, that, upon seeing it, would cause both an orgasm, and a seizure. SIMULTANEOUSLY. God was all like: "Woah, I could never destroy something as badass as this. Satan has created the master of badassery!", he went on to say: "He's even more badass than Jesus after he watched "The Matrix"!"
Just then, Satan walked back into the room and saw God standing across the room from Bass, this pissed Satan off because he and God had an agreement that neither would enter the others' realm without calling first. Satan had left his underwear on the floor, and his bed wasn't made; it was embarrassing. Satan began to yell at God, and Bass was beginning to get fed up with this nonsense. He slipped out the back of hell, and returned to the overworld. But after a few months of aimlessly meandering he began to feel a bit, well, savage. He decided to kill Satan, and GOD!!! (yeah, I said it, get over it you God-fearing pussies.) And in one epic battle warping from heaven and hell (which I am far too lazy to describe, but man! You should've seen it, there were fuckin' angels riding flaming unicorns, throwing lightning bolts at grotesque demons with horns and one demon I believe had a penis on his forehead, but I digress.), Bass defeated God and Satan. Leaving him ruler of both Heaven and Hell. But one person, more powerful than the combined might of God and Satan.. umm... COMBINED!!! Decided Bass was not fit to wield this power. (that bitch-ass, punk-ass, ass-ass, ass!). That punk-ass was none other than... BILL GATES!!! He used his ultimate attack "Imricherdanu" (I'm SO FUCKING CLEVER!!!) to imprison Bass on a jump drive. (so original) Bass was eventually purchased by Capcom, and was transferred onto the production line's main control computer. That is where he stayed, attempting to free himself, until MegaMan 7 was released. This game used new technology that was not fully developed. This allowed Bass to imprint himself onto one copy of the game. That game was reportedly lost at sea when the plane that was carrying it passed through the Bermuda Triangle and was destroyed by Godzilla. (yes, Godzilla moved to the fucking Bermuda Triangle.) No one has dared to look for it. Why? Because there's a fucking giant dinosaur/dragon/gecko there!! There have been rumors that Bass has been seen in the waters of the Bermuda Triangle wearing what is believed to be a new snakeskin cloak. That is the end of the true origin of Bass. Here one day, gone the next.
-Wasabi Gin