Loves Pizza, Looking for Same
It was another quiet afternoon in the lair: Mikey sitting, legs, crossed, reading a comic; Raph playing pinball; and Leo demonstrating that he knew all the lines to the current rerun of Space Heroes. The quiet was abruptly shattered when Donnie came tearing into the common area, brandishing his laptop, his voice a rising crescendo. "Would anyone care to explain why my keyboard is COVERED IN PIZZA SAUCE?"
Raph and Leo took a moment to take that in, then both turned to Mikey, still apparently engrossed in his comic book. "MIKEY?" three turtles asked in unison.
Mikey closed the comic, a sheepish grin playing across his face. "Um, yeah, Donnie. Sorry I didn't mention that earlier. See, I was using the laptop, and there was this piece of pizza..."
"I get it," Donnie snapped. "What were you doing on the computer in the first place? It must have been while the rest of us were asleep..."
"Um... nothing, really," was Mikey's spectacularly unconvincing response.
"Hmm. Have you ever heard of a little something called... Internet browsing history?" Donnie asked.
"Sure I have!"
Leo put in, "Mikey, then could you tell us what it is?"
Mikey squirmed, "Ummm..."
Leo and Raph smirked at his discomfort. Donnie tapped gingerly at the keyboard, commenting with increasing glee, "Let's see what it has to tell us. Where has Mikey been spending his... MY dot HEART dot COM? Is this a dating site?"
Leo and Raph's eyes were as big as saucers. Leo tucked his legs and did a backward roll toward Donnie, while Raph launched himself away from the pinball machine like a cannonball. In seconds, they were peering over Donnie's shoulders.
"I don't have any idea what you're talking about," Mikey protested.
"I can believe that," Raph said.
"I wonder if someone has saved their login information on here," Donnie said with evident delight. "Oh, what do you know, it looks like someone has! I wonder what they've been..."
"Give me that!" Mikey yelled, hurling himself in the direction of the laptop. He was intercepted by the combined weights of Leo and Raph, and a pile of turtles thudded to the ground in front of the still-delighted Donnie. Raph decided that now was a good time to put Mikey in a headlock.
"Mikey," Donnie inquired, turning the laptop around so his brothers could see the profile onscreen, "who exactly is 'Jasmine?'"
"She's..." Mikey's voice grew as quiet as the brothers had ever heard it... "My girlfriend."
There was a moment of complete silence, then Leo and Donnie started laughing so hard that Leo let go of Mikey and Donnie nearly dropped the laptop. Raph was laughing as well, but clearly focused on keeping Mikey's head locked in his arm.
"What?! Why shouldn't I get to have a girlfriend? Donnie and Leo can have girlfriends, but not me?" Mikey sounded genuinely put out.
Donnie threw up his arms. "I DO NOT have a GIRLFRIEND. I mean, April is a friend. And a girl. Who's friendly. But not my girlfriend!" Each word was punctuated with a wave of the laptop.
Leo was equally emphatic, albeit with less yelling. "I keep telling you guys – I am so over that."
Raph snorted. "I'm not sure which of you three is the most ridiculous. But I've heard plenty of this from you two, so now it's Mikey's turn."
Still sounding agitated, Donnie asked, "What would you even do with a girlfriend, Mikey?"
Mikey's voice was indignant – and a little squeaky, possibly because of the pressure Raph was putting on his vocal cords. "We talk, dude."
"About what? Comic books?" Leo snorted.
"Yes! Comic books! And skateboarding, and music, and long walks in the moonlight."
"What do you know about long walks in the moonlight?" It was Raph's turn to sound derisive.
"I have taken plenty of long walks in the moonlight," Mikey insisted.
"I don't think ninja-ing across rooftops is what she had in mind," Donnie pointed out.
"We have so much in common, guys! And here's the best thing... she's a mutant like us!"
"She told you this?" Donnie asked incredulously.
"It's in her profile! Right here," Mikey said, pointing at the screen.
"Mikey, this says that she is a 'cat person.'"
"Yes! Exactly! She's a cat person, and we're turtle people!"
Leo's forehead slammed into his palm; Donnie carefully set down his laptop before following suit. Raph let out a long groan.
"I... really don't think that's what she means, Mikey," Leo said slowly. "I think she probably means that she likes cats."
"No she doesn't! Well, she does, she talks about her cats all the time, but that's not what that means! When I tell her that I'm a turtle person, that doesn't mean that I like turtles."
"That's probably exactly what she thinks you mean, you big idiot!" Raph exclaimed, using his free hand to thump Mikey on the head.
Mikey's face was indignant. "You'll see! Once we meet..." He trailed off as his brothers' expressions went from mirth to horror.
"You're planning to meet this girl?" Leo asked.
"Oh, no," said Raph. "That's not gonna happen. At best, it's a Foot trap like Bradford was. At worst... you're gonna get hurt, Mikey."
"I'm getting hurt right now!" Mikey protested.
"It's for your own good. No way you're ready to date. Even these two turn into total fools around a girl." Raph gestured at Donnie and Leo.
"Hey!" both protested.
"So, Mikey, what do you say?" Raph reached to twist Mikey's arm behind his back.
"Raphael is all-wise and powerful..." Mikey gasped out.
"Not what I was going for, Mikey."
Leo recovered his composure and broke in, using his best Captain Ryan voice. "You need to let us know when and where you were planning on meeting her."
Mikey only whimpered; at a look from Leo, Raph loosened his grip. Mikey said sulkily, "I'm not going to tell you. It's our secret and you just want to find out so you can stop me."
Leo said, "Yes, we do! Mikey, this is a really bad idea. What if she screams and runs for help as soon as she sees you?"
"That is how people usually respond to the sight of your face, you know."
"Thanks for helping, Raph. Or... what if the Foot find out she's your girlfriend? They could try to track her to you... or they could try to get her to tell them where we are."
"But I haven't told her anything about you guys or where the lair is."
Leo gave Mikey a long, steady look. "Do the Foot know that? We know they're willing to hurt innocents, Mikey. Do you want that to happen to her?"
Mikey's face was screwed up in a pout. "No," he reluctantly ventured.
"I need your word that you're going to let her know you're not going to meet her, Mikey."
Mikey's gaze was on the floor. "I'm not going to meet her," he mumbled.
"I don't think there's any harm in continuing to chat with her online," Leo said magnanimously.
"What? No harm? Well, Mikey can chat online on your laptop, Leo. Oh wait, YOU DON'T HAVE ONE!" Donnie was waving his arms as if about to take flight.
"Donnie, can't you see how much this matters to him?" Leo asked.
Mikey whimpered a little more, giving Donnie a piteous look.
Donnie huffed. "Fine. But no pizza within ten feet of the laptop. And no popcorn. Or any other food. Or drinks. No spitting or drooling. Both feet on the floor at all times..."
Leo made a cutting-it-off hand motion, and Donnie fell silent.
Mikey said, "Can I use it now? I need to tell her that I won't be able to meet her because my brothers don't understand our love."
Raph snorted, but let Mikey drop to the ground. Mikey sprang to his feet, accepted the laptop from the clear reluctant Donnie, and fled to his room.
Leo took a deep breath and looked at the other two. "So... anyone else think he'll be sneaking out to meet her as soon as our backs are turned?"
"Um, YES!" both of them responded.
Leo held up all but one finger. "I see two choices. Either we keep him under 24-hour guard, or we let him go, tail him, and try to keep him out of any serious trouble."
Raph said, "If it's the Foot, that might work. But if this girl's for real, we can't stop Mikey's heart from getting broken."
"What happened to, 'Mikey's got to learn sometime?'" Donnie asked.
Raph shrugged. "Do you see that happening real soon?"
"Guys – do you have a better idea?" Leo asked.
Raph and Donnie looked at each other, then Raph gave a broad shrug. "All right. We follow lover boy, and maybe we'll get to smash some heads."
It was the following night when Mikey snuck out of the lair. He bounded joyously from rooftop to rooftop, silhouetted under the nearly full moon. His brothers darted from shadow to shadow, wondering if stealth was worth bothering with. Mikey certainly seemed blissfully unaware of his surroundings. At least they hadn't seen any Foot ninja following him. Yet.
"Where do you think he's going?" Donnie hissed.
"What would Mikey suggest as a meeting place? " Leo wondered.
"Let's meet in the sewers. Just watch out for the face-grabbing alligators," Donnie suggested.
"Let's meet in front of TCRI. Just watch out for the alien robots," Leo countered.
"Let's meet at Shredder's lair. Just watch out for... there's quite a list, actually." Donnie held up his hands to mime a long list.
"Let's meet on top of the Byerly Building. Seriously, who would do that?" Raph threw in, with a pointed glance at Leo.
"Over that, I'm telling you!" Leo hissed back.
"Yup. Just as over that as Donnie and Mikey."
Donnie held up a finger for quiet. "Guys? I think he's heading for Murakami's."
"Wow. That is... an oddly appropriate choice for a date, actually," Leo said.
Raph grunted, "She musta picked it."
Murakami's face brightened when he heard Mikey's voice. "Ah, turtle-san! Are your brothers here with you?"
"Not tonight, Murakami-san. I'm meeting a girl!" Mikey was vibrating with excitement.
"Ah, I look forward to meeting this special lady. I assume you'll have your usual ... but I will wait for hers."
Mikey pulled himself onto a stool, where he bounced up and down expectantly.
"I don't see anyone coming," whispered Leo from his post by the window.
"If that girl stands him up, she'll have some explaining to do to my sais," Raph threatened.
The minutes stretched by as the turtles waited. Mikey's bouncing slowed, then stopped. His shoulders began to slump and his face fell. After half an hour, Murakami, without comment, started preparing a meal. By the time he was done, Mikey's head was buried in his hands. "Pizza gyoza!" Murakami declared, but without his customary zest.
Mikey raised his head and slowly turned to the window. "OK, guys, you can come in now."
His brothers slipped in to stand by Mikey, and each placed a hand upon his shell. He looked around miserably. "I know, I know, you told me so," he said.
Raph thumped his back in commiseration. "That girl doesn't know what she's missing."
Jasmine's hands trembled on the keys. In a rush, she typed, "im so sorry i just couldent," then pushed the keyboard away and wiped at her eyes with the back of one hand.
Erwin leapt into her lap and rubbed his chin affectionately against Jasmine's other hand. She scratched the cat's head, grateful for the comfort. "Mikey seems like such a nice guy, Erwin. I feel terrible for doing this to him." Erwin purred, and Jasmine found herself purring back. Her tail twitched against the back of the chair. "But it could never work once he found out what I really am."