Magnus stared into his empty fridge. Water and some fruit was all it contained and he knew that even before he opened the door. He didn't even know why he bothered looking, when he didn't deserve to eat at all.
He closed the fridge softly and turned with a bottle of water in his hand. Drink the water, drink the water, he told himself. You're not hungry. You're just thirsty.
He knew he was lying to himself. He was fucking hungry as hell. His stomach was empty, the hard pain filling him up until that was all he could focus on, just the painful sting in his stomach and the cuts on his hips and the ever present sense of control starving gave him.
He didn't let himself eat because he deserved to starve. He didn't let himself eat because he deserved the pain. He didn't let himself eat because he needed the pain, he needed it to survive, and he didn't let himself eat because the emptiness in his stomach gave him a sense of control and made him feel strong and dammit he didn't fucking care if it hurt because he wanted to have control.
He sipped the water until his stomach felt less empty. The water tricked his body into thinking it was fuller than it really was, and while he hated that it made him feel fuller, he needed it to survive. Water had become his best friend, with the exception of Alec. He bit his lip and remembered how he waned to be thin for Alec. He wanted to be good enough. Maybe then Alec would finally want to be more than best friends. Maybe then Magnus would be good enough for himself, though he doubted it. Maybe then Magnus could stop feeling so ugly, so disgusting, so gross. Maybe then Magnus would be worth it.