Always True to You in My Way
"Where is Harley?" demanded Selina Kyle, glancing at her watch for about the thousandth time.
"She'll be here," replied Poison Ivy. "She's probably just been detained by the clown."
"Well, we've only got the room until 3.30, so she'd better hurry the hell up!" snapped Selina. "Have you tried calling her?"
"Her phone's off," retorted Ivy. "It always is when she's with him. Doesn't want any distractions from her true love. I think she only has a phone so he can call her when she's away and tell her to do stuff."
"Pathetic little brat," muttered Selina.
"Now c'mon, Selina, don't talk about her that way," said Ivy. "You know I agree with you about her and the clown's relationship, but I don't like to hear Harley insulted, either by him or you."
Selina sighed. "Yeah, sorry, I'm just in a bad mood," she muttered. "I want to start rehearsing as soon as possible to get my mind off things."
"By things, do you mean a certain Bat?" asked Ivy.
Selina nodded. "I keep offering, and he keeps refusing. There's only so much playing hard to get a girl can take before she just gives up altogether."
"Probably a good plan," said Ivy, nodding. "He doesn't seem like a very dependable guy. You know he'd always put you second to criminals like the Joker."
"Just like Harley, then," muttered Selina, glancing at her watch again.
"Hi Red! Hi Selina! Sorry I'm late!" cried Harley Quinn, striding into the room. "Mr. J needed…"
"It doesn't matter, Harley, let's just get started," interrupted Selina.
"O…K," said Harley, slowly. She shrugged, and then climbed up on stage to join Ivy and Selina. "Aw, this is gonna look great!" she exclaimed, beaming at them. "I just know we're gonna win first prize!"
"We ain't gonna win anything if you don't shut up and start dancing!" snapped Selina.
Harley looked at Ivy, who mouthed "Batman." Harley nodded and took her position, waiting for the music to start playing.
The Annual Gotham City Police Department's Ball was taking place in a week, and a talent show had been organized as part of the festivities. What the organizers didn't know was that the criminals of Gotham City had decided to crash the party and perform their own talent show before slaughtering the guests, after prizes had been awarded, of course. Every supercriminal in Gotham was expected to attend, and being the narcissistic egotists they all were, everyone was putting great effort into their acts for the show. The Gotham City Sirens were going to perform the song Single Ladies, with Selina leading the routine and Harley and Ivy as the two backing dancers. And all appeared to be going smoothly as they practiced, until Harley interrupted the routine by shrieking, "Puddin'!"
Ivy looked to see that the Joker had entered the room, smiling at them. Selina gave a growl of annoyance, and, seizing her whip, snapped off the music.
"Oh, don't let me interrupt, ladies!" chuckled Joker. "I'm enjoying it, really! Certainly the kinda routine that makes your spirits rise! Makes something else rise too, if you know what I mean," he giggled.
"Yeah, I get it," growled Selina. "What are you doing here, Joker?"
"Just need a quick word with my Harley girl," he said, beckoning her.
Harley squeaked happily and jumped off the stage, rushing over to kiss him. Selina watched her fawning in disgust, and then glanced pointedly at the clock and started tapping her foot impatiently.
"You wanna hurry it up?" she snapped.
"Geez, Kitty, who put crap in your catnip?" chuckled Joker.
"She's just a little irritated because of the Bat, Mr. J," explained Harley. "He's still being distant."
"Ah. Missing sliding down the Batpole, huh, Selina?" asked Joker, grinning at her. "Well, I'm sure he'll come to his senses soon. Oh, who am I kidding? The guy's totally nuts, and always will be!" he laughed.
"I'm actually irritated because we're trying to rehearse within a limited time frame, and you're taking up time, so just beat it, would ya, you disgusting creep?" snapped Selina.
Joker smiled. "Yes, of course, I'll leave you ladies to it. Buh bye, pumpkin pie," he cooed, kissing Harley tenderly. "Daddy loves you very much, yes he does."
"Oh, puddin', I love you too," breathed Harley. "I'll be sure to pick up the dry cleaning on the way home, and stop by the supermarket. You need anything else but chocolate milk?"
"Well, I wouldn't say no to a little whipped cream for playtime, pooh bear," he chuckled. "Might be in the mood for a little whoopie pie tonight."
"Oh, Mr. J!" gasped Harley, beaming. "Oh yes, please, puddin'!"
"I'll see you later, my scrumptious little cupcake," he murmured, grinning. "You girls have fun! Bye, Selina! Pammie!"
The other two glared at him until he left the room, with Harley gazing after him in adoration. "Let's get back to work," muttered Selina. "Harley! Stage! Now!"
Harley rejoined them and Selina started the music again. They had only got about halfway through the routine when Selina noticed that Harley wasn't quite getting the moves right, and smiling and giggling occasionally. She followed her gaze to the window, where she saw the Joker was blowing kisses at Harley. He noticed Selina staring and waved cheerfully.
Selina seized her whip again, snapped off the music, and then struck at the window. Joker laughed, waved again, and left. "Harley, will you please concentrate?!" demanded Selina, rounding on her. "Do you even understand what this song is about?!"
"Sure I do, Selina," said Harley, nodding. "It's about a woman who's broken up with her soulmate, and tries to make herself feel better about the heartbreak and eternal loneliness by over-compensating about her own self-worth and blaming him for not marrying her. Kinda a tragic song when you really think about it."
"That's not at all what it's about!" shouted Selina. "It's about a woman's reassertion of her confidence and self-esteem after she's broken up with a man who took her for granted and treated her like crap! It's a song about female empowerment and self-respect, not that you have any idea what that is!"
"Look, Selina, I know things ain't right between you and the Bat, but that's no reason to go around making everyone else feel as worthless as you do," retorted Harley. "Why can't you just be happy for those of us who have found true love, rather than trying to inflict your bitterness and misery upon us?"
And that was the final straw. "True love?!" shrieked Selina. "You call what you and that slime have true love?! An abusive, one-sided, utterly dependent and sick relationship where he just uses you, and you're too stupid to see that's what he's doing?!"
"I ain't stupid, Selina!" shouted Harley. "You don't understand us, and you don't know him, so don't talk that way about him! He loves me!"
"Listen to me, you stupid little fool," hissed Selina. "He doesn't love you. He doesn't even know what that is. You don't mean anything more to him than anyone else – you just allow him to take advantage of you, so he keeps you around because you're useful. He doesn't respect you, and he doesn't respect your relationship. He would be just as willing to sleep with either of us, but you're the only one sick enough to actually let him…"
And that was the final straw for Harley, who struck Selina a harsh blow to the face. "You're a liar!" she screamed. "Mr. J would never cheat on me! He loves me, and only me!"
It was about to descend into a fight, but Ivy stepped in between them. "Just let it go, ladies!" she snapped. "Now calm down! We need to be friends if we're going to win this talent show, so let's just apologize for the wrong that was said on both sides and move on!"
"I am never going to apologize for speaking the truth about the clown!" shouted Selina.
"Then I ain't gonna work with you no more!" shrieked Harley. She jumped off the stage and headed for the door. "Until you say you're sorry, I ain't performing this song! I'm gonna go plan a dance routine with Mr. J! At least he respects me!"
"Jesus Christ, Harley, you really are a dumb blonde, aren't you?" demanded Selina.
Harley stuck her tongue out at her and then left the room, slamming the door after her. "Selina, please," said Ivy, soothingly. "Why can't you just…"
"Because it's not right, Ivy!" interrupted Selina. "You know it's not right, and I'm not going to stand for it any longer! I am sick of putting up with the clown's fawning little doormat! Harley has to see the truth! She has to see that slime for what he is!"
"Good luck with that," retorted Ivy. "I've been trying to get her to see that for years. What's your bright idea for suddenly making it work now?"
Selina was silent. "I don't want to hurt her, not really," she muttered. "But she does deserve to be hurt for some of the things she said. And I want to help her. And you can't really help people see the truth without hurting them a little…"
"What are you thinking, Selina?" asked Ivy.
Selina looked at her. "I'm thinking that the two of us, individually, should try to seduce the clown."
Ivy stared at her. "Excuse me?" she gasped.
"We should try to seduce the clown," repeated Selina. "Not go all the way or anything, just get him all hot and bothered and ready to go all the way, and have it videoed or something. And then show the tape to Harley. She can't deny it if she sees the proof in front of her eyes."
"You don't think she'd still try to deny it?" asked Ivy. "Say it's fake or a trick or he was mind-controlled…"
"Well, don't kiss him, Ivy," said Selina.
"Yeah, that's not something I was ever going to do, I'll be honest," retorted Ivy.
"If we both do it seperately, what are the chances of it being a trick or a fake?" asked Selina. "Besides, nobody can do that good an impression of the clown. Harley will have to believe it when she sees and hears him with her own eyes."
"And then what?" asked Ivy. "She'll have a broken heart. You think she'll want to perform after that?"
"I think she'll find the song a lot more empowering," retorted Selina. "And she'll be better off in the long run, you know that, Ivy."
Ivy nodded slowly. "Still…it's a lot to do for a friend," she muttered. "I loathe the clown."
"So do I," agreed Selina. "But we're doing it for Harley."
"You're doing it to get back at Harley," snapped Ivy. "And probably the Bat. I imagine you'll send a copy of it to him."
Selina smiled. "How did you guess? That should make the inconsiderate bastard jealous of what he's lost. Anyway, it'll be for Harley's own good."
"Yeah," sighed Ivy. "But it's not gonna be pleasant for either of us, Selina."
Selina shrugged. "Maybe the clown will surprise you. He's been known to do that."
Ivy sighed again. "The things I do for friendship," she muttered.