Seventeen
He saw her from a distance. Time stood still, for a glimpse of a moment, just as always when he was laying eyes on her.
It was the night before Christmas, it was more than a year ago since he saw her last time, November 2016, when his uncle and Lorelai got married.
His year was very exciting. He got an offer to go to Milan, Italy, to help lecturing an old friend of an author he met and befriended at Truncheon's. It was an one-time opportunity and he didn't hesitate to go. The guys could run the press without him, he didn't leave anyone behind and he always wanted to go to Italy, knowing that some Italian blood was running through his venes.
He loved it. Being around books all day, actually lecturing and getting paid for it (he really desired to call his old highschool teachers and brag about it), spending the nights with the finest wine, pasta and every now and then with beautiful, vivacious women who inspired him.
He didn't hear anything from her. They said their goodbyes after the wedding, she promised him to continue writing her book, smiling shily, and that's it. He never got to read a chapter, no message, nothing. But it didn't surprise him. He understood a long time ago that he wasn't that important to her.
And now she was standing at the gazebo, childishly watching the lights around her.
He told Luke he was over her last year, and that wasn't a lie. But everytime he saw her, he felt seventeen again. When she wasn't around, he almost forgot. He was in a happy state, he wasn't unsatisfied with not being settled down at the age of 33, he felt like he didn't need to. Jess was always most happy when he was alone. Happiness wasn't dependant on other people for him. But Rory Gilmore was his weakness. She was the only person where a "what if" came up in his mind, when he saw her soft curls, the tiniest freckles on her nose, her piercing blue eyes, her delicate fingers.
She felt his gaze on her.
"Jess", she said, with a surprised voice. "What you're doing here?"
He smiled and came closer. "Christmas duty."
"I know you always had a thing for Santa." She smiled back at him. "Good to see you."
"Yeah, you too. Long time no see."
"Um, yes. It was ... quite a busy year."
"I see."
Silence befell them.
"Wanna join me for a walk?", she asked and nervously tuck a curl behind her ear.
Jess just nodded and followed her. "But first, let me take us some coffee. It's fucking cold out here."
"So, tell me. About your busy year."
She laughed, but not with her eyes. "Well, I wasn't in Italy, doing what I love."
He looked up, startled. So she knew. Luke must have told her. Or did she ask about him?
"I've asked Luke how you're doing. It's a normal thing. We're family now, remember?", she answered his unsaid question.
"Oh, I know, cousin", he mocked her with gritted teeth.
"Ew, weird." The brunette smiled.
"So why didn't you ask me personally? Why no message? I mean, when we're family?", he blurted out.
She didn't answer right away.
"I was afraid. And ashamed. And I didn't want to dump all my emotional trash on you, again."
He shrugged. "Nah, don't worry. I've been called a trash can before."
"No Jess, I mean... you always had the guts to tell me the truth. Even if I didn't want to hear it. But this year I couldn't face some hard reality stuff. Because reality already hit me. Like a wreckingball and with no regrets. " She breathed in.
"Go on", he simply stated.
"I had goals. Like real goals again. I wanted to leave my unhappy life behind, leave my unsteady life style, leave toxic relationships, improve my friendships, pursuing my career as a writer - the idea you gave me with the book really rescued me. I found my lost healthy ambitions again. I thought maybe you can help lecturing me, I really had a plan. And then two pink lines happened to me."
Jess froze. A pregnancy?
"I felt devastated. I just ended an affair with my engaged ex college boyfriend, which sounds so awful, I know. He even proposed to me, back in the days, I said no and then I became the other woman? What was I doing? And then I would have his baby. Great. I knew I had, like... options. But I also knew that I was a grown-up woman. No sixteen-year-old girl with no support from her parents. And when my Mom could do it, why couldn't I? I needed time to come to that realization, but I concluded... maybe, well maybe that baby would get me back on track. Give me a meaning, inspire me, is the perfect ending for my book. And a start for a new chapter for my life, with the father in the picture or not. A father figure doesn't need to share the same blood, how well do I know."
Jess exhaled deeply and scratched his forehead. "That's tough."
"Yeah, I know, right. I never imagined myself as a Mom, I dunno, even though I have the best Mom one can wish for, but it was never something that I thought I could handle. Despite, life came in between. No stability. There was no room for a kid. But... when life throws something at me, I try to do the best out of it."
He smiled gently at her. "You always do."
"And suddenly, it sounded like a plan. Being a mother. Having a responsibility in my life. Still writing from home. Maybe learning to cook." She tried a grimace.
Slowly he put the puzzle together. A tough year. Being pregnant. He didn't hear anything about a baby from Luke.
And again, she was reading his mind, saw the question mark in his face. "I've lost it", she whispered.
Fuck. He saw the pain in her eyes. "I'm so sorry, Ror."
"I've thought that I knew how loss felt like, but truth is, I didn't. I've lost someone I knew and didn't know at the same time. I've lost a part of me. And that was a pain that nothing else could compare to. I just felt right about being a Mom and then... it was taken away from me. I felt so guilty, so devastated. Maybe it was my own fault. Maybe I did something wrong. Maybe the baby knew that I'm a bad person."
"You're not a bad person." He said with a thin voice.
"You don't know me anymore", she replied hastily.
"Maybe. And that hurts me the most."
Rory looked at him, eyes wide open.
"Look, not being in your life and playing a part in it anymore is my own fucking fault, due to bad decisions I made when I was younger. Bad decisions, Rory. Not being a bad person. I've said it once before, I know you better than anyone. You know why? Because I always saw the real you. Your inner person. Not your looks, not your brain, not Star's Hollow own showpiece. I felt connected to you and without words I understood. But still, I was doing mistakes. Shitty ones. And yeah, maybe I've considered myself as a bad person, but the older I got, I learned how to deal with my flaws. Being more reasonable, respecting the emotions of others. And even I may not know all of you anymore, Rory, I still see your inner person. What happened to your baby wasn't your fault. It happens, for no reason, but simply because life's a bitch. But please, don't question yourself."
They arrived in front of Luke's Diner again.
"Come on in, it's freezing cold. I'm staying above the diner and I've heard there's some cherry pie left. I know how much you love cherry pie."
He opened the door and let her in. Rory sat down at the nearest table while Jess was looking for the cake behind the counter. Suddenly he heard a noise and looked up. She had her head in her hands, crying and sobbing silently.
One second later he was at her side, gently hugging her with one arm. "S'Okay, Ror."
She rubbed her eyes and nose, being half-embarrassed, but taking a deep breath and looking him straight in the eyes.
"You always remember small things. I never appreciated it. The cherry pie. I still know the moment I've gave you a lecture about it."
"At the Inn. You told me it's the only pie you can eat without coffee." He smiled and winked. "I'll bring you some."
"Jess?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I... can I stay tonight?"
He didn't say a word or turned around. His heart stopped for a moment.
"Sorry, I mean, you have every right to say no, I'm sorry, I just... I don't know...", she stuttered nervously.
"Yes."
"Yes?"
"Of course you can stay. I'll take the couch."
He heard the chair moving, his heart was bumping and echoing in his ears. He felt her hand on his back.
"Can we just pretend we're seventeen again?", he heard her whispering. "Except the drama."
Slowly he turned around, his eyes finding hers, lazily he grabbed her neck, felt her silky hair around his fingers. "Except being a jerk", he spoke under breath, "but I don't mind you wearing your school uniform again."
She licked her lips and laughed. "As cocky as with seventeen."
"Some things never change."
"No, they don't", she managed to say before his lips met hers.
"What about tomorrow?", he mumbled between kisses, grabbing her leg to draw her closer.
"I'm still there. Maybe I'm not seventeen again tomorrow morning, but I'm there."
He smiled against her lips. That's all he needed to hear.