Kida Masaomi's Pickup Lines
Anime: Durarara
Major Pairings: Kida x Saki
Summary: He was always bad at pickup lines. Really bad. But that was why he used them anyway, because he knew he would never forgive himself if he did successfully hit on another girl.
Disclaimer: Dublablahblah would be the most ideal name for this anime XD
[Pickup Line Number 1]
The girl wasn't really pretty, but what did that matter to Kida Masaomi, the most attractive young man on the block? He smiled charmingly at her; she seemed midly amused and bowed down in an ever-so-manly manner. And then, just when everything was so perfect and wonderful, he announced the pickup first pickup line he had found on the internet:
"Did you just fart? Because you just blew me away."
There was a second's worth of horrified silence. Then she turned and smacked him around the head with her handbag.
~X~
"What were you thinking? Pickup lines are never going to work. Everyone knows that, just give up," his friend Mikado suggested. But Kida just shook his head.
"They'll work one day," he assured Mikado. "Ooh, yes, there will be someone who will fall for them one day."
[Pickup Line Number 2]
The second girl was slightly prettier than the first. She was blonde and had wavy hair, but Kida really couldn't really care less. He approached her and flashed another manly smile at the girl.
"My dear lady…"
She blinked in surprise and looked flattered. Kida smiled mentally. So far so good.
"… your bright, clear eyes are as blue as the water in my toilet."
He got another smack for that.
~X~
"That wasn't really in line, Kida."
"Shaddap, Mikado. I know they work."
[Pickup Line Number 3]
"Aww, isn't he so cute!"
Kida sighed when he saw the girl fondle over a total of 5 cats. What on earth was so cute and kawaii about them, he wondered? Nothing but a bunch of furballs rolling around so uselessly on the ground. Nevertheless, another line popped into his head.
"Hello," he said, squatting beside the cat-obsessed girl. She looked up and wrinkled her nose.
"Eww, boys. Don't come near me."
"But I'd really love to marry this cat," he said, stroking on under its disgusting chin. The cat arched its back and hissed at him menacingly, spitting in his face. But the girl was delighted.
"Really? Another cat lover?"
He turned to her, a slightly apologetic look on his face. "Yeah, I'd marry it alright. Just so that I can get into your family."
~X~
"What did you do, try to hit on a cat?" Mikado asked incredulously when he saw Kida the next day at school, scratches and bite marks all over his arms, legs and face. Kida only grinned.
"But of course I did! Can you not see the love marks all over my body?"
"They look more like someone tried to do you in, Kida."
"Correction, Mikado: They tried to do me in bed."
[Pickup Line Number 4]
He was at the supermarket when his next target passed him. She was busy picking out some detergents; a cute, small girl. He went up to her.
"Hey there, baby."
She looked up, surprised. "Yes?"
He looked down at her. "Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them!"
~X~
"Hey, Kida?" Mikado muttered, handing more bandages to his friend. "I think you really should stop."
"Nonsense, Mikado," laughed Kida. The cute, kawaii-desu-desu shoujo had been a ruthless karate trainee who had almost cracked his skull on the ground. He grimaced at the memory and pain.
"Are you sure you're all right, Kida-kun?" Anri asked, a worried look on her face. Kida laughed
"Ooh, the most sexy and erotic girl on earth, Anri! You really do turn me on during sad, dark times like this!"
But the more sexy, cute and erotic the girl was, the more deadly. Mikado laughed nervously as he helped Kida up from the ground where Anri had beat him to.
"Well, Kida, I think if Anri is angry, so will all girls be."
"Mikado, Mikado, Mikado," Kida sighed, holding a hand up to his bleeding forehead, "You never understand anything, do you?"
Mikado held his breath; was Kida going to tell him something he didn't know? Was he finally going to realize his mistake?
"I'm Kida Masaomi! I'm the best girl-hitter in this town! The more erotic the girl, the more I will chase after her!"
"Just which girl will actually accept those stupid lines?" Mikado fumed, face palming himself mentally for expecting Kida to grow up and act sensibly. Kida smiled.
"Someone well. Someone definitely will."
[Pickup Line Number 5]
The last girl he delivered a pickup line to was more unattractive than any of the other girls he had seen that week. She was in hospital with a broken leg and she looked sick and tired when he went to visit her with a bunch of flowers. But her smile enough was to make up for her unsightly physical appearance as Kida entered the room.
"What have you been up to, Kida?" she asked as Kida set the flowers on her bedside table. Kida arched an eyebrow.
"Nothing much," he teased her. "I've just been conducting a test all around to see how many women have pierced nipples."
"I'd be more than happy to oblige, you sick pervert," Saki laughed. Kida made a face.
"Forget it. I don't want to see yours."
"Why?"
"Because you're flat."
"Is that proof you've seen them before?"
"No." Kida turned around in his chair. "I'm as usual, you know. Trying to hit on other girls."
"But the fact you're here means you weren't successful."
"Of course not." Kida leaned in towards Saki and their foreheads touched. "No girl would ever fall for the pickup lines I gave them."
They savoured the silence while the city outside continued its pace in the dying light of the red sun.
Author's Note
Just some stupid pickup lines I found on the Internet. They were entertaining and somewhat entertaining, but still, just purely crack and more crack.