:/ Not satisfied but whatever, I tried :).

Like We Used To

The candlelight made shadows flicker across the wall, giving the room a warm, cozy feeling. I was using the candles in my room now because the scent reminded me of him; he once told me he loved the scent, so I'd always use them when he came over. I imagined him awkwardly sitting next to me on my bed making a sad attempt at sharing some of his beautiful yet sheltered heart's numerous secrets. I doubted he had really changed that much but it was still nice to keep my faith in him alive. I looked down at the letter in my hand for about the hundredth time that night and smiled as I traced my unsteady fingers across his writing. Butterflies raided my stomach by the millions as I read the first three words: I miss you. His words, so simple and straightforward, had an impact strong enough to trigger emotions I swore to myself I would never again experience. The walls I had spent so many years building up around me were finally being broken down and the endless drops of tears that trickled down my face made that reality that much more real for me.

Nick was coming back tomorrow. And he wasn't coming back for his family or his friends, or his music. He was coming back for me. Nick was coming back for me. That thought alone was enough to accelerate my heart beat and cue the swarming butterflies in my abdomen to speed up. He didn't know this but moving to Canada literally shattered my heart. He explained to me that he felt he ought to experience life in a new country for a while and I told him I was his friend and I was happy for him. I lied. My selfish heart refused to share its other half with anyone else. I had always felt like this to be honest but I honestly believe that I am a prisoner within my own stubbornness and if it wasn't for it he would have been around to celebrate my twenty first birthday.

We had broken up at the innocent age of fifteen and I believe that we both left with the intent of eventually rekindling what we had with something much deeper and more meaningful. However, when that didn't happen, we lost faith in all the wonderful things that made our love so special and beautiful.

I listened to the song Nick mentioned on repeat while I reread his letter over and over again.

I miss you. I know this is a shitty time to be dropping this kind of stuff on you but I really do. I miss you Miley. If you're wondering why I'm writing this in a letter instead of just calling you or something… you know how I am with words. I was talking to my mom about it and she suggested I just write it down which is why I'm rambling.

So, this whole thing started right after my twenty first birthday party. I was sitting all alone in my condo wondering why I felt so crappy when I realized I'm not happy. I'm not happy here in Canada like I was back in LA or in Jersey…

Look, Miley, I kinda just want to get straight to the point because I have a feeling I might bore you to death. I'm moving back to LA. You want to know why I'm moving back? Well, it's because I recently realized that you are the best thing that's ever happened to me. I used to say that music was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Remember that? Well, I think moving here was good for me because I never realized how important you are to me until now. It took me a couple of years but I finally figured it out.

I know you probably know the band The Avett Brothers, so can you please do something for me? Can you please listen to the first track of their recent album? Please listen to it; even if you don't want anything to do with me anymore, I need you to hear it. Please. I was listening to it the other night and if it wasn't for that song I probably wouldn't be writing this letter right now. Sorry for the smeared ink that will probably make this harder to read, I'm listening to the song right now…

My hands are shaking right now. I don't know if that's normal, I've never felt like this before and I'm scared Miley. I'm scared I'm not making any sense and you won't understand how I feel right now. I'm scared because I don't know if I waited too long…

I'm arriving Saturday morning June fifth at ten. Please be there. I would love for you to be there.

Listen to the song Miley; it's everything in a nutshell.

-Nick.

I cried for him, for us. I knew what he was trying to tell me just by listening to the song. One foot in and one foot back defines our relationship like nothing else but I was ready to put all of that behind us just as long as he offered his comforting hand to hold along the way. It was nearly one in the morning but my racing heart, overwhelmed with excitement, made it all but impossible to find sleep. I carefully folded up the note and placed it on my nightstand next to the unopened bottle of wine that I had brought from the kitchen. I had intended on creating the perfect cliché romance movie scene with candles illuminating the bedroom and creating an image only professionals could produce, the girl drinking the traditional red wine while reading a love letter from her long-time lover. The reality depicted in Nick's letter, however, was much more satisfying than any romance film that has ever been made or thought of. My thoughts echoed the words of the letter as I lied down in bed with a permanent smile plastered on my glowing face.

...

The next day, Saturday morning June fifth at ten exactly, there I was sitting on an airport bench sporting my favorite blue floral strapless dress paired with black gladiator sandals. I had decided to go natural with my makeup as well as my hair by braiding two thin braids on each side of my head that connected in the back with a bobby pin. My sweaty palms were placed in my lap clenching a single red heart-shaped balloon. I wasn't necessarily sure of what was considered appropriate to bring him, I especially didn't want to bring him a red heart-shaped balloon but I was running late and an elderly woman was selling some on the way here.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap… I tapped my feet, becoming more and more anxious by the second. The big round clock on the wall in front of me indicated that it was now 10:08. Tap, tap, tap, the rhythm of my foot tapping on the tiled floor produced an unpleasant flashback of when my car refused to start earlier that morning and that god awful sound produced by the engine. I remember being on the verge of tears and contemplating the possibility of fate maybe no longer being on our side…

Almost as if on cue, I spotted him. The minute my eyes met his, my body immediately

rose and we both smiled. It all happened simultaneously almost as though we were subconsciously trying to spend every second like it was our last together. I stared as he walked towards me, the cadence of his footsteps creating the most gorgeous harmony with the beat of my heart. I finally regained my composure and charged towards him without thinking twice about the ridiculousness of the moment or if anyone was staring.

My arms circled his neck as his wrapped tightly around my waist. The minute my nose caught a whiff of his all too familiar scent, the tears that trickled down my face were inevitable. I tightened my arms around his neck, wanting to feel every curve of his body, and nestled my face in the crook of his neck. I could feel his lips continuously press against my neck, his way of comforting me as I continued to cry. The fact that doing that was still instinctive for him only made me cry even harder. I could feel his heart pounding in his chest and for a second I wondered if he could feel the swarm of butterflies that had made my stomach their permanent home.

"Let me help you with that." I grinned as I pulled away, wiping my face clean of the tears.

He gazed at me, his smile mirroring mine, and pulled me back into his chest. I felt his fingers run through my hair. Once, twice, three times. Bliss.

"You're here." I whispered, not fully believing my own words.

"I'm here." And that was all the reassurance I needed.

...

The way that the car ride home turned out surprised me. He didn't say anything. I didn't say anything. The tension was thicker than I could have ever imagined. We both had so much to say but where to begin? All I wanted to do was hold him, in my bed, forever; let our love radiate freely to the world around us just like we used to.

"If you're going to stay with me you're going to talk so me." I said once we had taken his luggage inside my summer beach house. I had given him a little tour of the house and now he was on the kitchen counter across from the island that I was seated on.

"I don't know what to say…"

"Say what you feel."

I laughed humorlessly when he just looked at me. "You can't just come back and act like this is nothing, Nick!"

He must have read the seriousness in my eyes because he quickly came to me and pressed his lips on one of my thighs.

"I won't let you." I said, this time softer.

"I'm sorry." He looked up at me and I knew that he meant it.

"You know how I am with words, Miley."

"Bullshit." I pulled him into me and rested my chin on top of his head. "Your letter was beautiful."

"You think so?" I sensed shock in his voice.

I hopped off the island so I was standing at eye level in front of him. "That was probably the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me, Nick, I would have never expected that from you."

"Miley, I miss you. I miss everything about you; I don't think you know how much I care about you."

"Are you ever going to say it?" I asked, not even bothering to hide my disappointment.

He pulled my face closer to his, "I don't think you know how much I love you, Miles."

"Tell me."

He then kissed me. Finally. I sighed, relaxing into him, and gently palmed the hair at the back of his head. His lips moved from mine to my cheek, then my nose, eye lids…

I looked at him as his lips ruthlessly continue to invade my face and wrapped my arms around his neck, bringing our foreheads together. I smiled, feeling the tingles of his kisses all over my face. The amount of ecstasy I was experiencing was unexplainable, which must have made me unaware of his eyes glistened with tears, that threatened to roll down his face, and his shaking hands holding my face against his.

I took his hand in mine, taking a leap of faith and making a potentially harmful decision that I had made numerous times before with him. "Come here." I lead him toward my bedroom and even without looking at him; I knew that he was hesitant.

I turned to face him when I got to the door leading to my room. "Don't bullshit me Nick; do you love me?"

He looked at me for a while, his eyes desperate, before taking my hand and placing it on his racing heart. "I love you, Miley."

"I love you too." I whispered, taken back.

Nick was terrible with word and I wasn't opposed to letting him express himself in other ways. That is exactly what we did that afternoon. Just like we used to.

...

"Three words that became hard to say…" I adjusted myself on top of him so that I was talking directly into his ear."

"I…" he whispered back as though afraid someone might be close enough to steal the few sacred words we still had after so many years of an overly public relationship.

"And?"

"Love…"

"And?"

"You."

"And?"

I could feel him smile as he entwined my fingers with his. "I mean it with everything in me."

"I know."

And for the first time since I had known him, I really did believe him. It all felt like a beautiful dream; the cool breeze coming in through the window, Nick's warm body against mine, the candles' familiar scent filling the room. Dream or not, I wasn't going to let myself overanalyze it, instead, I let the sound of the ocean play over and over in my mind until nothing felt real anymore.

Thank you for reading. :)