Disclaimer: Gakuen Alice has yet to be mine. The rights of claiming this little slice of genius goes to Tachibana Higuchi alone. But I do enjoy playing with the odd character to satisfy my tortured fangirl heart. xD
51 Things Narumi is Not Allowed to Do
1. Tell Ruka that with their Pheromone Alices, they could rule the world.
2. Scratch "NARUM!-S3NS3! !S BR!NG!NG S3XY BAK" on the walls.
3. Convince Mikan Sakura her name is overrated and she should change it to something more original (read: "Princess Consuela Bananahammock," "Carla Spadeaspade," or "Carrie Oakie")
4. Purposely fluster Kokoro by thinking inappropriate thoughts whenever he's around to gauge his reaction.
5. Give Natsume "The Talk."
6. Scream "But Misaki-sensei is the only man I've ever been with!" whenever his students ask for tonight's homework assignment.
7. Kidnap random children and enroll them into Alice Academy by claiming they can turn inanimate objects into cheese.
8. Declare every second Tuesday of the month to be "Seduce Iinchou Day."
9. Persuade Fukutan to start a nudist colony during homeroom.
10. Dress like a "gangsta" and refer to his Alice control devices as his "bling bling."
11. Point at Jinno-sensei and scream, "HE HAS A FROG-SHAPED BOMB!" in Central Town.
12. Liberate (read: steal) all the Alice Stones and sell them as marbles on eBay.
13. Ask Natsume to start a fire so he could "roast his weenies."
14. Make subtle innuendos about Ruka's sexuality.
15. Make obvious innuendos about Ruka's sexuality.
16. Make Anna bake an army of evil gingerbread men for him to rule over.
17. Lock Andou Tsubasa and Natsume Hyuuga in a closet for an hour and place bets on who would come out alive.
18. Microwave crayons...
19. Or aluminum foil…
20. In fact, he is forbidden to use the microwave at all.
21. Tell Persona he has a God complex.
22. And that the power of the Death Note resides in Persona's fingertips.
23. Innocently wonder why Persona desires to kill him, when he could think of better things for him to desire over.
24. Try to hack into Hotaru's computers…
25. Then cry when her firewalls retaliate by wiping his hard drive.
26. Change any male teacher's ringtone to "Fergalicious."
27. Call Mikan's grandfather and tell him, "The baby's doing fine," and Natsume would be coming to ask for his blessings.
28. Attempt to use his pheromones on inanimate objects, such as coconut cream pie…
29. And claim aforementioned pheromone-stricken pies as his army of loyal minions…
30. And try to get them to attack Ruka, who refused to take over the world with him.
31. Crossdress (no matter how good he looks in skirts).
32. Make his own secret code by replacing the word "students" with "virgins" in conversation, especially while conversing with said "virgins."
33. Then cry about how they're all repressing his individuality, just like "The Man."
34. Encourage Hotaru to continue blackmailing Ruka with the Piyo pictures.
35. Claim to have made out with Misaki-sensei's bean whip.
36. Claim to have made out with Misaki-sensei's kendo stick.
37. Claim to have made out with Misaki-sensei.
38. Teach "fun, four-letter words" to his students.
39. Tell children that students who fail his exam are fed to the monsters in the Northern Woods.
40. Dye Fukutan's hair blonde…
41. And tell him, "Blondes really do have more fun!"
42. Tell people his name is "The Almighty One."
43. Or "Count of the Coconut Cream Pies."
44. Or "Lord of the Drag Queens."
45. Occasionally hint that he has two wives, 32 children, and a pet porpoise hidden somewhere in the academy.
46. Hold Yuu Tobita's glasses above his head so that he has to jump for them.
47. Throw bouncy balls down the hallways and yell, "Go Pikachu, go!"
48. Lace Sumire Shoda's food with catnip.
49. Then deny all knowledge of it when Sumire starts purring.
and finally...
50. NARUMI-SENSEI MUST NEVER TELL SERINA-SENSEI THAT ESP PWNS CRYSTAL BALLS!
---
"Finished!" Mikan exclaimed happily, pinning the list to the wall and standing back to admire her work.
"And it's pinned right on his bedroom wall," stated Ruka. "Do you think this'll help?"
Natsume snorted incredulously. "Doubtful. He'll probably consider actually following these rules for two seconds, laugh about his brief lapse in sanity, and promptly forget about it until the next time he gets his ass in trouble."
Hotaru "hmm"-ed noncommittally. "Nonetheless, we made copies and pinned it in his classroom, the staff lounge, and even the bathroom."
It was quiet for a moment as they reflected on the tornado of energy that was their homeroom teacher.
So this is what he does when he's not in homeroom…
"Did he really microwave aluminum foil?" asked Ruka, staring incredulously at the list again.
"Yup. Remember when the teacher's room exploded?"
"Wow."
"Ne, have you noticed most of these involve Ruka-pyon?" giggled Mikan, sneaking a glance at the flustered boy.
"Only 10 percent, actually," stated Hotaru.
Natsume glared at the piece of paper as if it had personally offended him by stealing his last pudding cup. And he really liked his pudding cups…
Their talk was interrupted by loud screams coming from outside. Twin spheres of flame burst to life in Natsume's palms, Mikan and Ruka froze, tense as a wound up spring, while Hotaru's hand automatically strayed to the baka-gun at her side.
However, they relaxed as soon as Natsume and Kokoro ran inside, slamming the door behind them.
"Narumi-sensei!" chirped Mikan, happy to see him. "What's wrong?"
"This," said Kokoro, handing her a glossy magazine that Mikan recognized as one that was quite popular among teenage girls. On the cover was a close-up of Narumi, his indigo eyes extruding a dreamy aura and blonde hair artfully tousled. From the faint pink glow around him, it was safe to guess that he was using his Human Pheromone Alice at the time.
" 'Narumi: Newest…SEX IDOL OF JAPAN?!' Sensei!"
"Ehehe… I was bored, and I met this woman on the street, and she said she was the editor of some magazine and I thought it would be fun…" finished Narumi lamely, scratching the back of his head.
"And that's not the worst of it," added Kokoro cheerfully. "Take a look outside."
Sweeping back the yellow, floor-length curtains, they gasped as what looked to be like a hundred girls screaming joyfully behind the thick stone walls of the Academy. They were wearing matching purple t-shirts that proudly proclaimed, "Narumi Fangirl."
"Brilliant," snarled Natsume, extinguishing his flame. "We're going to have to round up all the Memory Alices and have them wipe their memories. And also, we're gonna have to track down every last copy of that magazine and destroy it and do you have any idea how long—"
A loud explosion interrupted his heated rant, and Kokoro happily stated, "They blew the walls up."
As a vast hoard of "kyaa"-ing fangirls ran towards them, Hotaru silently handed Mikan a black marker.
51. Use his Human Alice Pheromone to seduce the entertainment industry and half of Japan...
A/N: bwahaha! My finals are over and winter break just started, so I thought I'd celebrate by doing something I've never done before-- writing a humorous, plotless, crack-ish fic! yay! :D
this fic was inspired by the indifferent child of earth's Twilight fic, 51 Things Emmett Cullen Is Not Allowed To Do. It is absolutely brilliant, and everybody should go read it and its sequels.
please drop a review on your way out! :D
happy holidays!
ja ne!
mimi-chan