KIDS FIT THE TROLLS
Beginning AN:
This is the first of a three-day little 'thing' where I mirror these stories that I had on the MS Paint Adventures forums. Somewhere along my fan fiction writing history I kind of wanted to have at least one website where everything was gathered together (especially SBIG), and so I remade Zombie Attack! sort-of from scratch to place it here. Another thing I was thinking of doing was a trio of Homestuck fan fics that I had on the forums. And now, with naruto the guy with the ninja having a recent update... well, here's the first of them. Kids Fit the Trolls (although, considering my running gag of naruto the guy with the ninja always being in lower case, maybe this should always be in ALL CAPS?) was originally the sixth-ever installment of SBIG, originally written right between Sheldin and Lenard Tock About Fysicks (which isn't on this site, except because that's entirely MS Paint comics) and Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals (which is). Come to think of it... it's kind of weird thinking that HHC came out after both of those stories.
Anyway, the fact that the actual place where this, its direct sequel Act 5 Vs Act 6, and its spinoff Kids Fight the Zombies is currently on - the MSPA forums - has been under construction for nearly a year, I feel even more motivation to just get these three mirrors out of the way. Even with them gone, there's still the issue of me doing a text-only remake of Sweet Jade and Hella John to give a "proper" round-off of the SBIG series before the finale, Housestuck: The Split.
By the way, even though this story is divided into "chapters," I'm not actually going to make a seperate chapter for each of them. They're all kind of short, in a way. Especially with this fic. It would just be silly and kind of time consuming for me to split them up.
Well, enough of that, here's the copy-pasted disclaimer explaining what SBIG is:
Welcome to SBIG! This is a series of purposefully badly done stories that care very little with making sense or trying to add any emotional impact. Or... that's the intent. This is sort of like a bad attempt at comedy. Now, two things I try to avoid with this when comparing the installments to other fics done bad on purpose. One is making them unreadable (but this... admittedly wasn't always a major focus of mine). Two is that this isn't going to get... too disgusting. Well, it might in some stories, but it won't rely on grossout factors as an entertainment value, and even the ones that do teeter into uncomfortable territory won't be trying to really 'outdo' other fics that do this. The only thing I try to trump myself in is the plot's stupidity. Not how hard it is to read it, and not how disgusted (or infuriated for that matter) you will be by it.
CHAPTER 1 THE PLAN TO MAKE MONEY
On day 1 John was watching House and it was bloody and violent. He was geting a nightmare when he was distacted by a pesterlog from Jade.
GG: get over here i discovered a way to make all four of us rich$$$$
And he did to Jade's house and Dave and Roase there too. Jade was holding isotope that looked like the one from the Futurama episode with Flexo.
"I was touying aruond with adam and got this. This is a new isitope I discovered and it is worth $5 TRILLION DOLLERS."
Then holes was cut in Jade's ceiling, and Vrsika Serket was going down on rope. Her face was blackpaint so they not see her.
"HAHAHA I'M STEALING YOUR ISOTOPE." She laughed as the rope went down and her arm stole it from Jade's arms and rope went back up like in the movies.
"NO!" Shouted the Rose "I cannot do this unrevenged! We must go to the trolls and revenge them to taker it back!"
"Ok we can stake my spaceship." Dave announced.
and they did. The spaceship caught up with the Vrska rope just as Vriska jumps off rope and into trollship. The race was nack and neck but eventually they both went to Alternia. Vriska ran off when she landed and the kids ship landed after and Vriska was... THE DARK TOWER OF DARKNESS!
Dave frowned. "This looks like no job for us four."
Suddenly, a voice behind the kids!
"MAKE THAT YOU TWO!"
CHAPTER 2 KIDNAPED AND HELP
It was Peaty Paranah, and he had cages like in Super Smash Brothers Brawl, and he trapped John and Jade in a cage! And then he jumped off!
Dave frowned and got out a portal gun and shot a portal and he and rose jumped in it. INSIDE WAS FAMLY GUY!
Peter wads nude and shitting on a easil and calling it art.
"We need you to Stewie and Brian us into the castle." Dave said to Peter.
Peters eyes shift.
"This guy is too wacky sais Rose "We must bget new help. Also, the nakedness. Ew."
Then they porteled again. This time was Pikmin!
""Good afternoon I selling Pikmin what color you want?" Said Omarn.
"It would be of best stategecly if we got the 10 of eech color."
And then they have 10 Red, Yellow, Blue, Purple, White, Rock, Pink, an my OCs Green (They turn bulbords onto Bulbmin), Orange (Lift bombs innunte to bombs), and Black (Immune to beams of darkness a new elemint).
And then they portaled back into Alterneia.
CHAPTER 3 JOHN AND JADE TY TO ESCAPE
MEANWHILE John was playing Mario Kart Wii with Petey Jade and the AI as the other 9 rasers, cuz Petey was bored in keeping them captured. Petey got blue shelled just before inish and went from 1st to 13th.
"FUCK YOU AI!" Petey yelled and then he got many angries "LETS PLAY ANOTHER GAME! 1 WHERE THE IA DOES NOT CHEATS."
John suggested "Halo 4"
Jade was, "NNO THATS NOT A CUTE GME!" cuz jades allways a helpless waifu who only likes cute stuf!
Petey asked where the Haleoes was and John said it was in pocket and he got it out but he culd not fit it thru the cage. Pretey opened John's cage, and John kicked him in the kiwis, and got himself out.
"JOHN YOU SAAVE ME TOO?" Jade askes.
John shrugged and got key.
"HAY YOU TWO CAN'T LEEVE" Shouted the final boss Feferi!
"BUT I CAN WITH KEE!" Jade sais.
"Oh a smart ass huh..."
CHAPTER 4 DAVE AND ROSE GO THROW THE TOWER
Level1 was Aradia Medigo.
"IT IS NOT OKA THAT U PASS!" She said in a hurry.
Then she firred beems of darkness but the black pikmin immune and Dave Purple Pikmind Aradia and Aradia Medigo was almost dead.
Rose got out a wsord to finish the job.
"NO! DONT KILL HER! SHE'S PRETTY!" Dave argued (i shit Dave/Aradia) And then he gentelmaned her hand up and kissed her hands then kissed her mouth.
"DON'T KISS ME YOU YOU!" Aradia raged and then she kicked him in the kiwis.
Dave's eyes went cross-eyed and Rose gave him look of simpathy. "OY MAY GOD NOT IN THE BETWEEN THE LEGS!" And he was KO'd. Rose went up to level2, running to sneak past her.
TAVROS WAS EASY ROSE KO'D HIM.
Sollux, level3, was not that eesy. he had redblue PEW PEW PEW powers and Rose was pain and the pikmin were dead. even the purple ones.
"I NEED HALP!"
But Dave had died from getting kicked in the kiwis too much! (Aradia kicked his unconcious body cuz she doesn't like getting kissed or actually she did but she was a tsundere and pretending not to like Dave for keping her appearances it's all a backstory in that she's no popularity from the past and trying to make her image look better, and the Hemospectrum can tie to this unpopular for being the lowest) And then Aradia used Made of Time to send his body back to 1980
Aradia used trollian to tell Rose:
AA: hay your frend dave is deqd
AA: and he willnt come back unless you or somone else kiss him
AA: BUT WAIT HES BAFK IN TIME INTO 1980
AA: also boyfiend sollux is will cull you soon i know because hes messaging me saying that your wher he is at in level3 and that i know hell winn cuz my boyfriend is awsome klike that
While Rose was distacted by the convo Sollux lazered her but he did't dead her cuz Sollux 2 cool 4 scool and 2 cool 4 kill like that; she's just unconshious..
Meenwile John and Jde desend floor 11 (Eridan easy all he did was forevver alone (HA HA HA GET IT? I QUIRKED THE MEME!) because that is all there ever is to his charater) and floor 10 (Gamzee was to bussy being a serial killer in another fan fic so he wasnt there). They got to floor 9 but Equius strongpunched John dead. And then he kicked him in the kiwis for good mesure.
CHAPTER 5 IS EVERYON DEED?
Jade was crying like a littel pease of useless shit and culdnt do anything but suddenly she got BRAVE and shit and then [S} Jade: United and [S] Jade: Sinchronize.
She hecked into Rose and Aradia's conversation and found out how to revive and revived John and he woke up on Prospit. Then Jade grabbed Quius's arm and punched her own head off with the arm and then her body (like a headless chicken) through her head like a boomerang it flew out the tower window and thru the window of aanother floor into floor 3. The head hit Rose and she cammed back to conshoius. Then Rose was worry but remembered what Aradia told her and kissed he head and lesbian ensued.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS DOING?" Asked Sollux.
Jade woke up on Proshit too and sgot out a secret car it was a time car with rocket boosters that was glued to a tank that was on top of the car. She took John and shoved him into the tank and told him to drive and that to detatch the time car just before it 88'd and she gave him a note that explanationed stuff. And then Jade hopped in the time car and wait as Joh did insteuctions. Also Prospit exploded just as they took off because it looks cool.
Jade was back into 1980 and disco was stil popular and the Jade kissed Dave's corpse and he woke up on Derse. Then John's tank wich was reely Jade's but did not have time car because the time car was detatched so that John doen't back in time too, crash on Drse.
"WHAT THE FUCK?" Shouted WV.
"WHAT THE FUCK 2?" Asked Dave.
"Jade told me to do this and also to" He red the note "Take you and Rose's dremselv to the fog temple and ride it to the past where you will meet her there at disco club. Also bring WV and AR."
Then the five of them got into the tank and fleu to the temple. Also Derse exploded too. And they time flowered to 1980 and they disco raved party until Jade got there.
"Now we have to gots back to the future!" She said.
CHAPTER 6 BACK TO THE FUTURE
Rose managed to distact Sollux by giving him her copy of Halo 6 and then she upped to level4. Karkat was mostly harmless he just said "FUCKASS." and Rose walked right past him. Stage 5 was Nepeta but she was harmless kanwaii catgirl that posed no thret whatsoever so Rose walked past her too. Then Kanaya.
"HOLY CHRIST I THINK I LOVE YOU!" Kanaya shouted.
"Really?" Rose blushed.
Then Aradia wetn up to floor 6 and used the Darth Vader thing to kill Roes.
"NO DON'T JKILL HER!" Shouted Kanaya.,
And then she kissed her not to revive but cuz it was the proper thing to do in troll society and that it was way to morn the dead but it turns out that that believe came from the afterlifes known as Prospit and Derse but Kanaya did not knowlegde that.
Rose's deamselv woke up in 19080. John said "it is good that you are awak!" Because he had a crush on her.
"I underestim,ated the Aradia." She aid.
Dave got look of disconfort. "Yikes! Don't remind me!"
Jade rtold Rose that they needed to bak in the present and they look for Dr Brown but there were terrorrists. This is where AR came in he used his juje powers to sue the terrorrists and put them in jail.
"What the fuck do you assholes in pajames want?" Asked Brown.
"HWE HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE FUTURE!" And they could not use the time car Jade took because it exploded offscreen."
But then the doc explained that Dave's dad Dirk was not to marry Rioxy but instead trying to marry Jake. (Jake has huge afro cuz of the 80s) SO DAVE NOT EXIST IF IT HAPENED!
"I MUST STOP THE PROM!" Dave showeted.
And he ran in prom and they were about to kiss (Also they were making lots of reffrences to the 80s like in those Simpsons flashback episodes) but Dave roke in and tapped Jake's sholder.
"HAY JAKE!" And then he punched him.
Rose came in and like Lisa Simpson she had ALL the answered. "It turns out you were adopted so you didnt need to punch Jaka HAHAHAHAHAHA."
And Dave laughed too. BUT DIRK WAS NOT PLEESED!
"THAT'S MY BOYFRIEND YOU ASS!"
But they didnt hear him cuz they took the delorian into the present and in alternia not earth.
"BUT WATE!" Dhowted Dave. "HOW WIWLL WE NOT HAVE REPEATEB OF WHAT HAPPENED? AND WE CAN'T KISS REVIVE IF WE DIE AGAIN BECAUSE DERSE AND PROSPIT ARE BLOWN UP SO IT CAN'T MAKE ANY MORE DREAMSELVES FOR US!" (I got rid of Sprospit and Derse to make it seem more like theycan die for good now.)
Jade pointed to quest beds. "WE MUST GOD THE TIER."
CHAPTER 7 SHOWDOWN WITH FEFEFEF
John was wind and Rose was in yellow light dress and Dave can in a red time and Jade was NOT dog because this sint furry. They flu to the top of the tower where Fefferi and Petey paranah lies. Feferi was holding up the atom and laughing like that guy on Family Guy.
"YOU CAME TO ADTOM?"
"Um yes please." John said in an innocent.
"2 BAD!" She used a 2 as she is girlfriending Sollux.
And then Feferi God Tiered to nd was the BITCH of Life. Being wa bitch insted of a Witch meant she can kill anything.
"I WILL CULL YOU!" She yelled.
And then they fouught in the sky and it looked cool. The other trolls came up to see. It was like the Final Valley from Naruto. And speaking of Naruto John used his wind to make a winduy spere in his hand.
"RASENGAN!" He shouted.
Then Feferi used Chidori!"
Id make a pokemon refference but no just no.
They clashed and there was exlposion and shit and all kinds of energy everywhere. Meanwile Jade picked up the atom and her and Dave and Rose walked back to the rocket.
In the middel of the energy John and Feferi was flashbacking a lot up to this point of the fan fic. And they were getting eachothers flashbacks to so they can see motives. It turns out Feferi wasnt bad but she was possessed by the horrorrterrorrs because they were greedy and wanted a lot of money.
"NO FEFERI ILL SAVE YOU " John shoted at the top of his lungs. Then punched her in the gut.
And then the energy went away and Feferi spat out a hrrorrterrorr from her mouth and was unpossessed. John got look of serious and stepped on the horterror.
Back at the rocket Dave Rose and Jade was waiting impatient and John walked with all the trolls (even Gamzee he's done killing now)
"WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING?" Dave asked in a angry.
Jade said, "Hay hes a nice guy. Don't be a cock."
And then Dave make rooster noise because that was the ironic thing to do.
John explained, "The trolls are reely good tey just have bad leader and a bad personthing was possessing Feferi."
Rose turned to Jade. "Say why does plan involve WV?"
"BECAUSE CAN TOWN!"
And then they all partied in canontown. Also John/Vriska and Rose/Kanaya and Dave/Terezi (this is the first rime I said Terezi isn't it?) got together. But Jade did not Karkat because he says the F word too much.
Closing AN:
This mirroring is pretty much unedited (when the day comes for Kids Fight the Zombies, I MIGHT throw back in some joke that I took out of the original because I thought it might clash with the forum's guidelines, but we'll see about that on Sunday (actually, for this I guess I could "modernize" the story by changing Mario Kart Wii to Mario Kart 8 or Deluxe... nah)) except that I cannot color text on this website, so the pesterlogs (all two of them) have no such coloring. Also, here's the little preview thing for another story that I try to now put at the end of every story:
Oh wait! But first!
Final Thoughts:
Yeah... I think it's a bit silly to seperate "Final Thoughts" and "Closing AN" for what is basically a one-shot, since the latter is intended to specifically be for that specific chapter while the former is for the fic overall, but... I don't know. Maybe I'll talk a tiny bit about this story's history here:
The original KIDS FIT THE TROLLS dates back to one of the (kind of several) things I did in 2012. I loved it when I was writing it, and during my brief skim to convert the formatting from the VBulletin markup to WordPad's markup I loved re-reading it. "Chapter 6" is my favorite and... that's pretty much all I really have to say about this thing. As someone who is really quick to slam his hand on the "Old Shame" button, I usually tend to be pleasantly surprised when I actually look back at my work and think "Okay... that wasn't that bad." (Well, for the most part.) And I never really had anything against this one in particular in the first place. Nor its sequel, nor its spinoff-ish bonus story.
Dexter woke up from his bed, the re-KILL-iner as he named it (get it because he kills people) and smirked as he got the day ready for the morning.
He did his one-armed pushups and other routine things like oranges and coffee and got ready for his job blood splattering analysis (and doing blood-splattering of his own). The things is thought that if there's something about Dexter Morgan, he only fought people WITHOUT superpowers. What if he fights those WITH superpowers?
Check out the answer in SBIGlets, "Dexter Vs the Elementals!"