Notes:
Some poor, innocent, anonymous soul has asked me for "Don't look at me like that. Like what? Like I'm your everything." with Steve saying "Don't look at me like that." Here's what he/she was referring to: post/128096568315/insp
Now, maybe I've been too fluffy lately and people forget, or maybe I've been too fluffy lately and I needed to get rid of some pent up angst. Who knows? But this is painful and horrible. It immediately follows the take down of HYDRA in TWS, before the final scene.
If you'd like to read the resolution of this situation it's in "Oh, My Dear."
The title and the song lyrics used in this story are from the Toby Mac song.
I am tired, I am drained
But the fight in me remains
Maria stepped out of the cab and into the fray of reporters in front of Fairfax. She pushed through the throng, staring over the microphones and heads. She ignored the questions, and the noise, and the press of bodies.
"Was the level of destruction and the death toll really necessary, Ms. Hill?"
"Shouldn't the President and Congress have been informed of the problem before it got so big?"
"How can you claim that, despite your level of authority in SHIELD, you had no previous knowledge of HYDRA activities?"
"You couldn't wait until Captain America was clear of the hellicarrier to fire?"
"Fire now."
"But, Steve."
Security finally cleared a path for her and Maria headed to the elevator as the front doors slid shut and muffled the yells of the reporters.
The elevator ride to ICU was quick and Maria stepped out and handed her ID to the security officer.
I am weary, I am worn
Like I've never been before
To all outward appearances she was cold and calm, the picture of control. Inwardly, Maria found herself falling apart for the first time in years. The nightmares about that day woke her each night, the fear of what had happened to Steve and the fact she couldn't be with him now kept her awake. Sleeplessness was nothing new to her, but fear was a companion she hadn't entertained in many years.
She stared through the glass and watched Steve's chest as it rose and fell in steady rhythm. When she slid open the door, she acknowledged Sam. He stood and, to her frustration, waved her out and slid the door closed behind them.
"How are things at Capitol Hill?" he asked.
Sam was genuinely interested, but Maria didn't want to talk about this.
"The usual," she said.
She hoped her abruptness would clue him into the fact that she wasn't here to talk to him. She was sure Sam was a nice guy, Steve trusted him and that was enough for her, but she had only a limited amount of time and she wanted to spend it with her husband.
Sam shifted nervously beneath her steady gaze.
"Well, I'll give you a minute," he said, then walked down the hall.
Maria returned to the room and stood by Steve's side. She wished there was some privacy so she could let herself truly relax. She glanced over to the hallway and, when she found no one watching, reached over and took Steve's hand in hers.
It was warm and drier than it had been the last time she'd visited. He'd just been out of surgery then and his palms were clammy, as they had been when she'd found him on the riverbank.
The helicarriers were still raining down fire onto the river. Maria should have followed the plan and evacuated, but she'd never intended to do that in the first place. Steve knew that, she saw it in his eyes before he and Sam left her in the control room. She would be searching for survivors. She just hadn't thought that would include Steve.
Now, on the water, she tried to skirt the perimeter of the worst part of the fire burning up the gasoline that had fallen into the river. The helicarriers were fully fueled, it would take days before this burned itself out. She scanned the waters for any motion that looked remotely human.
She was about to turn the boat around and go back over the area she'd just covered when a movement on the shore caught her eye. She felt for her weapon as soon as her mind registered it was the Winter Soldier.
Maria had never felt so angry, had never allowed herself to be as out of control as she was on the verge of being at this moment. And she had never hated anyone the way she hated this man Steve tried so desperately to save.
She would have gone after him, would have tried to put a bullet through his head, she might have even succeeded. But in an attempt to find a safe place to run the boat aground, her gaze landed on Steve's body. She looked back at Barnes. He was getting further away from her, and from her revenge, with every passing second. But if Steve was alive she had to get to him.
This is harder than I thought
Harder than I thought it'd be
Maria didn't want to wake Steve but she felt desperate to talk with him, to hear his voice, to see his eyes. It had been three days, three long, horrifying days, during which Maria had to come to terms with the fact that losing Steve might possibly cause her to lose herself.
How she'd reached this point she didn't know. She loved him, yes, but under other stressful or dangerous circumstances she'd been able to compartmentalize those feelings and continue to function.
This time was different, she knew that. But it was more than that he had nearly died, more than the fact that she had honestly believed from the time he fell into the water until she found him on the shore that he was dead, it was even more than the fact that she was the one who'd helped nearly kill him.
Steve stirred and Maria's breath caught in her throat. When his eyes opened and his gaze fell on her he smiled and squeezed her hand. Maria felt herself fight to control any display of emotion.
"Hey, beautiful."
Steve's voice was quiet and weak. Sam had assured her he was improving but he had nearly died and it might be a week or more before he was back to normal.
Maria knew she should be grateful, that the serum was helping, but it was difficult to see him like this.
"Hi, yourself," she said.
She hoped Steve was out of it enough to miss the strain in her voice.
"Sam said you were here before," Steve said. "I'm sorry I-"
"You were just out of surgery," Maria interrupted quickly.
She didn't want to think about how Sam was here, every day, all day, and she couldn't be because if it was discovered now that she and Steve had already been married for a year, things would get difficult for him.
"I didn't tell him," Steve said. "I wanted to talk to you first."
"You can't," she said firmly.
Steve studied her for a minute.
"Is it really that bad?" he asked.
Maria slowly nodded her head and took a slow breath to calm herself.
"Worse," she replied.
He squeezed her hand tighter.
"I'm sorry," Steve said.
"I don't want to talk about that right now," Maria said. "I have to be back for more questioning in an hour."
Steve's face was remorseful but Maria didn't have the time nor the desire to deal with that either.
"I just wanted to see you."
Her voice was no more than a rough whisper.
Harder than I thought
Takin' every part of me
No other words would come out, not without the emotions behind them, and Maria couldn't afford that now. People were watching her more closely than ever before. She couldn't slip up, she couldn't take Steve down with her if it came to that.
"Don't look at me like that," he said.
"Like what?" she asked, her voice breathy.
She thought she'd been doing a fairly good job of hiding what she was thinking.
"Like I'm your everything," he said.
Before she could respond they heard the door slide open. Maria turned to see Sam walking in with two coffees. He handed one to Maria. She thanked him and buried her comment that she wanted more than a literal minute with Steve.
Instead she excused herself and headed for the door.
"Maria," Steve called after her.
She turned to him, her face a careful mask now that she was under Sam's watchful eye.
"Will you come back later?"
There was a plea in Steve's voice that wasn't lost in Sam. Maria only hoped the man would write it off as the pain medication or Steve's exhaustion.
She nodded slightly as she glanced between Sam and Steve hoping Steve would understand what she couldn't say, that, of course, she would, and not catch what she never wanted to admit, that of all the things that had happened over the past weeks, not being able to be with him right now was the thing that was killing her.
Harder than I thought
So much harder than I thought it'd be
But empty's never felt so full
Maria tried to shut out her thoughts of Steve the rest of the day, the plea in his voice, and, worse, his words. If she hadn't spent years, from childhood on, perfecting her ability to control her emotions, she wouldn't have made it through the Senate panel.
She texted Sam after she was done and he replied that Steve was resting. Fortunately for Maria, no one was with her to see her hands tremble as she replied that maybe she'd come by the next day.
When she got out of the cab at her hotel, she relived what had become her new normal, the flash of bulbs blinding her, the din of voices questioning her competence, the whir of the cameras hoping to catch something telling on her face so the news analysts would have something to talk about. But she gave them nothing. She walked through almost as if they weren't there.
This is what love (this is what love)
This is what love
Feels like
Even in her room she couldn't let down her guard. After two drinks from the mini-bar, she was still tense and wired.
She turned on the news. She knew she shouldn't. Reporters were as bad as Congress.
Only one minute into the 6 o'clock she saw herself on the screen. It was the feed from the hospital.
"SHIELD Deputy Director, Maria Hill, visited Fairfax today," the reporter said. "Sources from inside the hospital confirmed that she did visit Captain America. She stayed only a few minutes before she returned to the Senate for more questioning about her involvement in the violent take down of SHIELD and her actions prior to that."
"Ms. Hill is, no doubt, holding out on us about the events of that day." The senator from Iowa was on the screen. "As the highest ranking member of SHIELD to have lived through these events, though, it's difficult for us to disprove anything she says."
The news cut to the Senate questions from that afternoon, the Senator from California. Maria sat hard on the end of the bed.
"Ms. Hill, did you have any knowledge that Alexander Pierce planned to kill the members of the council?"
"I had knowledge that HYDRA planned to kill hundreds of thousands of people," she responded.
"That is not what I asked," the senator continued. "I think what we on the Senate panel would like to understand is why more precautions weren't taken in this, well, this unsanctioned operation to ensure the safety for the council."
"Our goal was to disable HYDRA and the helicarriers with as minimal loss of life as possible."
Maria flipped the channel. She knew that line of questioning had continued in pointless circles for another 30 minutes.
The next was not much better, an analysis on a major cable news channel. There was a photo of her walking into the hospital on the screen.
"You can see by the way she carries herself that she has a high level of self-confidence," the man said.
"And if you look here."
They played a video of her answering questions from the Senate panel the day before. It was the first day of questioning. Steve still hadn't woke after his surgery. The Triskelion was smoldering and the river around it was still in flames. Maria had just spent the previous day pulling bodies of people she'd once counted as friends and comrades from the Potomac.
"You see by her facial expressions, she has an immense sense of pride, and I don't mean the good kind, and definitely a feeling of entitlement," the man said. "She doesn't believe she should be questioned at all about these events, as if this entire inquiry is beneath her."
Maria turned off the TV and fought the urge to throw her glass against the wall. Instead she sank to the floor at the end of the bed. She took several deep breaths to reign in her emotions. It wouldn't do to lose it now. This was going to continue for months. She had to get control, find a way to separate her feelings from what had to be done.
Poured out, used up, still givin',
stretching me out to the end of my limits
This is what love (this is what love)
This is what real love
Feels like
Finally, she rose and took her shower, then crawled into bed. The first two evenings she'd spent helping compile the list of dead, but Sharon Carter had taken over that last night, told her she had enough to handle.
Tomorrow, there would be more questions and more doubts raised. Tomorrow, she would be under suspicion again.
Tonight, she held herself suspect as she mulled over Steve's words, and the words she'd wanted to say to him.
She understood what he was telling her. Steve loved her deeply, but he had never wanted that responsibility or power over her. Most men did, most men seemed to thrive on that sort of need from a woman, but Steve didn't. He had always loved her for her independence and her strength. He told her from the beginning that he wanted her to be who she was, not who she thought he wanted her to be, and not some variation of a stereo-type.
But somewhere along the line, Maria had to admit, Steve had indeed become everything to her. When they were only friends, he had started to open up all the places she'd closed off, made her feel things she'd never allowed herself to feel. And now, she realized, that she had become comfortable in a way she had never before.
Like floating confetti
The beautiful gets messy
When the fall out finds the floor
Maria took longer to get to sleep that night. Her mind refused to wind down. She feared what would happen once her eyes close. The previous two nights' slumber had been filled with terrifying nightmares that left her shaking. At last, her body's need won out over her mind's dread.
She was in Steve's hospital room just as earlier that day. But when he woke he had an accusatory look in his eyes.
"Why didn't you tell me about Bucky?"
Immediately the scene shifted to the Senate panel. Steve was sitting at the bench scowling down at her.
"How could you keep that from me?"
His voice was a growl.
"I-I didn't know how to tell you," she managed to stutter as her fear began to take over.
"I know you're lying," he said.
She stared at him for a moment.
"Fine, yes, I didn't tell you because I don't want you to find him," she blurted out.
"He's my best friend," Steve said. His voice was angry.
"He tried to kill you," she argued. "He almost succeeded."
"He saved me," Steve spat. "You saw him."
"I don't care," she yelled. "I hate him."
Steve stood.
"I don't want you to go find him," she said.
"How can you say that?" he asked. "I can't just leave him out there."
"But he tried to kill you," she repeated, her voice desperate. "He might try again."
"It doesn't matter to me," he said then turned and walked toward the door.
"No, Steve," she pleaded. "Don't. What if he kills you? Don't I matter to you? Don't my feelings matter?"
Steve turned and regarded her coldly before he shook his head.
"Not nearly as much as he does," he said, then he opened the door.
Barnes was there and he raised his gun at Steve. Maria tried to scream, she tried to stand, she tried to move and grab her gun out of its holster, but she could do nothing but watch.
"Bucky, you're my friend," Steve said.
"You're my mission," Bucky said.
Then he emptied the chamber of his gun into Steve's chest.
Finally, whatever had a hold on Maria released her and she ran to Steve.
His appearance was the same as when had when she found him on the shore, his hair and suit drenched and matted.
Unlike then, she didn't call anyone for help or even bother to assess him. She felt the tears stream down her face.
"Steve, no," she cried. "Please, you can't die. I need you, I love you."
"None of that matters," he said.
Maria felt the fear increasing with her heartrate. She could barely breathe.
"The only thing that matters is Bucky," he said. "Even when I had nothing, I had Bucky."
"But you have me now," she said.
"That's not important," he said.
Maria felt like she was being strangled, then she realized she was. Bucky had her by the throat with his metal arm.
"You lied to him," he said. "You kept secrets from him. You didn't tell him you saw me. How could he ever want you again?"
Maria woke gasping for breath. She reached over quickly to turn on the light and dispel the darkness, then she glanced franticly around the room for the threat her mind convinced her was still present.
But in the depths of the trenches
Is the richest of riches
Love is calling us to more
Three days later, Steve was released from the hospital. Maria was at Langley answering questions from and inquiry board at the CIA. Steve went home with Sam.
She stopped by that night.
"You look better," she said, trying to remain neutral under Sam's scrutiny.
"Thanks," was all he said.
He seemed nervous. She supposed it had to do with Sam being around so much and Steve worrying he'd let something slip. That only seemed to give Sam an excuse to hover and Maria was now too terrified to ask him to leave so she and Steve could talk.
He finally came to her the night before he and Sam left. Maria poured everything she could into their love-making. Steve did as well, though she knew it was for a different reason.
She thought about something she'd heard several men say over her years in the Army and SHIELD, that their wives gave them better sex the night before a deployment. It was a joke to the men. But now Maria understood completely why the women did so. She knew there was nothing she could do to stop him leaving. There were no words she could say, no amount of begging that could change things. So she put all those words, all that desperation into her kisses and her touches. 'Stay,' was what she said, but just like those other men, Steve could neither hear nor understand.
She woke screaming that night, the echo of Barnes laughter as he killed Steve ringing in her ears, just as he had so many nights in her dreams since they'd taken down SHIELD.
She assured Steve it was nothing, only adrenaline giving her nightmares. He held her as she tried to stop the shaking.
When he left in the morning, she knew it would be long before she saw him again, and she tried to convince herself that she would see him again.
They said their "goodbye's" and their "I love you's" and then Maria lied to him, the biggest lie she'd ever told.
"I hope you find him, Steve," she said.
She could tell by his face that he detected nothing, that he had no idea that her words were the farthest thing from the truth.
This is harder than I thought
Harder than I thought it'd be
Harder than I thought
Takin' every part of me
Harder than I thought
So much harder than I thought it'd be
But empty's never felt so full
This is what love (this is what love)
This is what love
Feels like
This is what love (this is what love)
This is what love
Feels like
Poured out, used up, still givin',
stretching me out to the end of my limits
This is what love (this is what love)
This is what real love
Feels like