You slowly get off your seat with a small sigh. Thinking about the past, about what you once had, it wont help you.
So you decide to concentrate on what you have left. Your little daughter and your son.
Lea is 8 now, and your little boy, Gabriel, turned 3 not long ago.
Jimmy didn't even witness his own child's 3rd bithday... Everyday he asks when daddy will be home again.
It breaks you heart more everytime you hear this question coming from him.
You move to the kitchen counter, preparing a lasagna for the kids and yourself. Lea will be back from school soon, and Gabriel will be back from kindergarten.
Once finished you put it into the oven so it can bake. When you made sure everything is cooking you walk onto the porch, waiting for your children to come back home.
And you don't have to wait long until Lea, holding Gabriel's hand, walks along the small path that leads to your door.
You smile happily as Gabriel let's go of Lea's hand and runs over to hug you, his short arms wrapping around your thighs. He isn't very tall yet, actually quite short for his age, but you know he will be as tall as his father when he gets older. He looks like a kid version of Jimmy. Big blue eyes, dark messy hair, and also his lips. Lea on the other Hand Looks more like yourself.
You lean down to kiss his forehead, letting your lips linger for a moment.
"Hey sweety, how was kindergarten?" you ask with a smile, crouching down in front of him.
"It was funny! Marzi, Felix, Jack an' Mark an' me play in the garden aaaaaall day! We play hide an' seek an' cops an' robbers!" he chirped exitedly. You laughed softly.
"That sounds like lots of fun."
Then you straighten again, hugging Lea and also kissing her forehead. "And how's your day been?"
"Oh, Ella asked if she could come over tomorrow! Can she? Pleaaaase?" she looks up at you with huge puppy eyes.
Another thing both your children had from their dad. You don't even get to think about it and you humm softly.
"Alright. I'll text Ella's mom later that she can come over tomorrow after school. But just if you both finish homework before playing." you warn her, then usher them both inside. "Now take off your shoes and wash your hands so you'll be ready when dinner get's served."
You make your way back into the kitchen to check on your lasagna, hearing the happy and proud voice from Gabe coming from the hallway as he once again shows Lea how he can already take off his shoes by himself.
Dinner goes by fast and with telling Gabriel just twice that he should stop playing with his food.
By the time Gabriel is in his room to play and Lea is sitting at the table to do her homework there is a soft knock on the door. You raise your eyebrows, confused as to who this could be. You can't remember planning on having anyone over today.
You dry your hands, putting down the plate you were cleaning, then walk over to the door, hesitantly opening it. Though you can't believe who you can see standing in front of you.
Your lips part just slightly, your heart starting to race and tears slightly stinging in your eyes, threatening to well up. Just now you realize your hand is shaking slightly on the doorhandle, so your tighten your grip.
"Jimmy?"
It comes out in just a whisper, as if you're worried that if you are too loud he would vanish from in front of your eyes.
"(y/n)..." he starts, taking a step closer, causing you to take a step back. Before he can continue or even try to explain, you frown.
"What are you doing here?"
Your question seems to catch him off guard, making him blink and furrow his eyebrows with confusion and worry. Worry that you wont accept his apologies and refuse to let him join your lifes again.
"I... I was confused, (y/n). I went to get help. All this stuff about being chosen...I.. I understand now, it was all in my head. I wanted to get this right. Now we can be happy again. I am so, so, sorry. I really am." he looks at you pleadingly, but you shake your head.
"It was more than half a year, Jimmy." you step out onto the porch, so you can close the door. You don't want Lea or Gabriel to hear him. "You left us, without saying a word. We were worried about you! We thought-!" you stop yourself abruptly from finishing this sentence. Still, you don't even want to think about this. Even though you know now that it didn't happen.
You shake your head. "You can't come back, Jimmy. Because if you come back, I can't bear the thought of loosing you again. And it would be all that's needed to break Lea and Gabriel."
His face screws up into a grimace. Sadness and regret. That's all emotion you recognize on his face right now. His eyes are glassy, and you can see he is close to tears.
"Please. I will never, ever let you down again. I will never leave again. I have all I want here."
You swallow, casting your gaze down and crossing your arms, like you always do when you get defensive. Though you don't reply anything. After a few moments of silence he tries again.
"(y/n)... please, at least... at least let me see them."
"Please, leave my property.."
You try to turn, but his hand, just gently resting on your shoulder, keeps you from doing so.
"Please. Give me a chance to prove it. Please..."
Before you even know that you are crying you wipe a tear from your cheek with the heel of your palm. You hesitate for a moment, glancing at him. His eyes are full of hope and sorrow. You can tell he is saying the truth about being sorry for leaving.
"I dont...I dont know. I just..." You sigh. "I can't let you see them before I know that you really won't leave again. You didn't just hurt me, Jimmy. You hurt them too. Gabriel asked me when you'll be back every single day since you left. Lea also asked me every few days where you are. Why you aren't here."
You stay silent for a moment, giving him time to let it sink in before you continue. "I had to tell them you are so busy with work you had to leave for a while. I don't want to lie to them ever again."
"You don't have to. I won't leave. Nothing will make me leave my family ever again."
You turn away from him, reaching for the doorhandle again, slightly pushing open the door. Though you don't step in yet, thinking.
Well, at least Lea and Gabriel would have their daddy back... they are more important than you anger and betrayal. You sigh softly.
"Come in..."
You can hear him suck in a breath, probably overwhelmed, not able to believe you allowed him in. You step into the little entrance hall.
"Lea! Gabriel! Someone wants to see you!" you call them both. Soon enough you hear little footsteps coming from the stairs and from the kitchen.
As soon as Gabriels little blue eyes catch sight of Jimmy they widen in excitement and happiness. "Daddy!" he cries out happily.
And you can hear another "Dad!" coming from Lea as she steps into the entrance hall. Jimmy drops to his knees even before they reach him, both running into his open arms, throwing their own arms around him. Looking at them it feels like any other day, Jimmy coming home from work and the kids happily greeting him after a long day. He's even wearing his suit, tie and trenchcoat...
"I missed you daddy! I'm so happy you're home again!" Gabe doesn't stop there, eagerly telling his father everything that happened since he left. Lea just as happily tells him everything, and Jimmy doesn't even know who he should listen to right now.
They tell him everything from what happened at school and kindergarten, to what they ate for breakfast 2 weeks ago. (you can't even believe Gabe still remembers. though you think he just made something up)
Jimmy kisses both of them, keeping them close. You can see how much this affects him, how happy is to see them again, to the point where he is shaking slightly and crying out of joy.
"I've missed you both so much as well."
To see them like this...it makes you question why you didn't let him in to see them right away. But you can't just forgive him that he left. An 'I am sorry' isn't enough.
After a few more minutes they finally break apart, dragging Jimmy into the living room and making him sit on the sofa, telling him to stay. Then they both run off, upstairs into their rooms. You can hear them shuffling through their stuff, probably wanting to show him new drawings and toys they got.
You sit on the sofa beside him, a bit of space between the two of you as you stare at the ground.
"I missed you too... though... I can't just forget that this happened."
"And I don't expect you to. I regret my desicions, more than anything. I missed the three of you, I missed my family. And I hope that at some point I can have you all back. Really have you back."
He places his hand on your knee and you glance at it, feeling the familiar warmth through your jeans. A warmth you have missed terribly. Slowly you move your hand, not sure if you are going to remove his hand from your knee or rest your own hand on top of his, until the desicion was made by your unconscious, resting your hand on his.
"I love you, and I love the kids." he says quietly, squeezing your knee gently.
"I love you too, Jimmy." Of course you do. Otherwise you wouldn't even have missed him so dearly.
Finally your children enter the living room again, Gabriel climbing into your husband's lap while Lea moves to sit beside him, pressed against his side.
Gabe shows him the first drawing of four figures, their head way too big for their weirdly shaped bodies, the eyes not the same size and their hair standing up into every direction.
"Look daddy. This is me." he points to the smallest figure wich holds hands with the tallest one. "this is Lea" he points to the little girl next to him wich holds hands with the figures wich resemble him and you. "and this is mommy and this is you." he points to both figures to explain who is who. Jimmy chuckles softly.
"Wow, you are a real artist Gabe. This is amazing, I easily can tell who is who." he replies with a wide smile, making Gabe giggle happily. They continue to show him all kinds of drawings, explaining every single one of them and laughing happily at every praise they get.
More than an hour later of showing drawings and talking you speak up.
"Sweeties, would you go to your rooms for a while? I need to talk to daddy." you tell them softly.
Even though they don't like to leave their dad now after being apart from him for so long, they oblidge, taking all their drawings to walk upstairs again.
You stay silent until you hear the doors to their bedrooms closing.
"I don't want them to grow up without their dad." you start, looking for the right words.
"But you will never do this again, Jimmy. I don't want to be without you ever again." you turn to look at him sadly. You can see how reliefed he is, as if a weight is lifted off his shoulders, and he wraps his arms around you to pull you against him, your head resting against his strong chest.
"Never again." he replies quietly.
You pull away from his chest to look up at him, looking into his beautiful blue eyes. A familiar sight you have seen for many, many years. You lift your Hands to Cup his face, leaning in slowly. Both your eyes Close when your lips press against his, soft and warm and a Sensation you missed badly. You won't ever let him leave again.