Disclaimer:

Don't own Harry (wizard book series by J.K Rowling.)

Don't own Punk'd (An MTV series where Ashton Kutcher plays pranks on celebrities.)

Harry gets Punk'd!

Note: '---Ashton' means we cut to him doing those crazy comments he does!

---Ashton: Let's get Harry Potter.

---Ashton: Ok, Harry is like the Michael Jordan of Hogwart's Quidditch. His pride and joy is this totally awesome, top of the range, KICK ASS broom called a Firebolt.

---Ashton: Firebolt is Harry's only family.

---Ashton: All he does is ride it, and polish every little bit of it with his broom servicing kit every day, man, without fail, every day!

---Ashton: He even sleeps with his broom. Nah, I'm serious, his friend told me.

(Cut to Interview with Ron)

Ron: Yeah, Harry loves his firebolt.

Ashton: Does he ever sleep with it?

Ron: Yes ... sometimes it's on his bed.

Ashton: And he's in the bed too?

Ron: ...Yes.

Ashton: Whoa, and what ...does he...like...like... hold it?

Ron: (Pausing) No, not always, but yeah...sometimes...he....like....cuddles it.

---Ashton: Cuddles????? Harry, dude, it's just a BROOM, man! That's just....wrong!

---Ashton: Let's punk him!

---Ashton: Enter Dax and Al, don't they look pretty in their robes?

(Cut to a room at the London Quidditch Club)

Dax: Today we play the role of Head Talent Scouts from the International Association of Quidditch! This here is a copy of the letter we sent to Harry. (Zoom into the letter) There's the envelope and the waxed seal.

---Ashton: My God! If it's got a seal its gotta be real!

Al: Basically we've told him we've heard he has a lot of talent as a Seeker, we're considering him as a possible trainee for the future team, that we want him to come down to the club at London Quidditch Club this Friday to, you know, get to know us and to show us what he can do.

---Ashton: How do you not get splinters up your ass when you ride one of those things, man?

Dax: And here is his reply. He says, yes, he's excited and he and his friend Ron will be here at two.

---Ashton: OK, that's the easy part. Now, let's head down to the workshop.

(Cut to a workshop)

Rob: Hi, I'm Rob, design manager, and our team has spent hours turning a normal broom like this one into an exact replica of the firebolt.

(Upbeat music is played as we see the carving, shining, polishing and engraving of the words Harry Potter on the broom.)

Rob: Basically they are exactly alike but with one exception...the fake is made by us Muggles, so it don't have an ounce of magic in it. In short, it will not fly!

---Ashton: Ok, So the plan is, we get him in, talk his ego up, tell him to park his precious baby on a rack while we show him around the club, and we initiate operation SWITCH-O-RAMA.

---Ashton: And then, we ask the little bastard to demonstrate his skills...and watch him squirm!

---Ashton: Harry, I'm coming for you!

(Cut to Harry and Ron arriving outside the London Quidditch Club. Dax and Al both shake Harry's hand.)

Al: Welcome to the London pitch Harry. I'm Mr. Al Huffle. This is Dax Puff.

Dax: It's an honour to meet you, Mr. Potter.

Harry (smiling): Thanks. Ah...This is my friend Ron.

Ron: Hi.

Dax: Hi nice to meet you, Ron.

(They shake Ron's hand.)

Al: Ok, before we get on with today's schedule, I'm just going to say this straight out. We are very excited to have you here, Harry. We've heard amazing things about you, for instance, we know that you were the youngest seeker to play at Hogwarts in fifty years, was it?

Harry: (grinning) Er ... it's a hundred actually.

Al: Oh, sorry! Wow, really? A whole century, that's amazing!

Dax: What were trying to say is that we think you have a very high chance of playing international Quidditch in three, maybe even two years.

(They nod in agreement.)

Harry: (blushing) Get out. Really?

Dax: (seriously) Why would we lie?

(Cut briefly to Ashton laughing in the camera room)

(Cut to reception area.)

Al: So this here's reception. That's the lounge. There's the cafeteria, its for V.I.Ps, like the families and friends of the players, and sometimes, stadium management.

Harry: Wow. Cool. What about the players themselves?

Dax: Yeah fer sure, fer sure. In fact I think, uh...whats his name, John or Joseph is it? The beater...

Al: Joey.

Dax: That's right...Joey Jenkins from the Cannons had lunch here just the other day.

Harry (excited): Really! You saw him there???

Dax: Ah, no.

(There is an awkward pause.)

Harry: Er...

Dax: See actually what happened was, one afternoon, a friend of mine, Rob, walked past Joey on the street, and Joey accidentally burped in his face.

Harry: Eww...

Dax: Yeah it wasn't pleasant. But afterwards, me and Rob were discussing it and he told me that when it happened he smelt what was like... the priori incantantem of what he had for lunch, and that he was positive...like around 99% sure... that it was the club sandwich from this very cafeteria.

Harry: Ah ok then.

(Harry and Ron look at each other weirdly.)

(Cut to outside the lifts.)

Al: Damn. We we're gonna show you the first class box, but the lifts are out.

Dax (stops walking and turns to Al): You're kidding. Again?

Al: Yeah.

Dax: What about maintenance?

Al: Won't be in till tomorrow.

Dax: Man. (Turns away angrily) I knew something like this was going to happen. I'm really sorry about this guys...

Harry: It's ok...

Al: Dax, calm down.

Dax: But the first class box is the highlight of the tour!

Al: Harry again, we're really sorry about this. I guess we could take the stairs, but it is ten levels. You champs don't mind do you?

Ron: I'm cool with it.

Harry: Yeah sure. Oh, can I leave this somewhere first though? I mean if were going up, don't wanna be carrying it...

Al: Sure, just leave it on that rack there, and you can come pick it up after.

---Ashton: Oh my god, Harry, we actually got you to suggest departing with your beloved broom! How good are we man? Seriously?

(Cut to a crew member carefully switching the brooms)

(Cut to Al, Dax, Ron and Harry returning from the first class box)

Al: Ok, Harry?

Harry: Yeah?

Dax: You ready to show us what you can do?

Harry: Yeah sure!

Dax: Great! Let's get out there!

(Slow mo of Harry grabbing the fake broom! In his eagerness to get out to the pitch he doesn't suspect a thing.)

(Cut to Quidditch pitch)

Al: Ok Harry. We're gonna find out exactly how good you are by first testing you with easy tasks and slowly progressing to the more advanced stuff, ok?

Harry: Alright.

(Al Opens a box and removes a Snitch.)

Al: This here's a trainee Snitch. Ok, don't be nervous. It starts easy. This one's probably half as fast as the ones you use at Hogwarts.

Harry (smiling): Okay.

Al: We're gonna let it go, give it ten seconds to get away, and then Mr. Puff here is gonna time you to see how long it takes to catch it. For a person with your experience and training, we really shouldn't be wasting your time on these first trivial tasks, but it is International testing protocol. You'll probably have it within a minute.

Ron: Harry can do that easy.

Harry: Yeah if it's half as slow as a real Snitch it should be pretty easy.

Al: Ok ready?

Harry (mounting his broom): Let's go.

Ron: Good luck, Harry.

Al: Ok start.... NOW!

(Dax starts the stopwatch and Al releases the snitch.)

(Harry's eyes focus carefully on where the Snitch is flying.)

Dax: ok 10 -9 -8 -7 -6 -5 -4 -3 -2 -1 -Ok Harry GO!

(Harry sticks his chin out in the direction of the Snitch and does a little jump to take off, but to his surprise he stumbles, and does not fly! He gives Dax and Al a worried and confused look.)

Dax: You can go now Harry! Your time's started!

(Again Harry tries kicking off with his feet but he merely does another little jump! His face begins to redden.)

Dax (looking at stopwatch): That's 14 seconds up dude, you gotta fly!

Harry: Sorry! Uh...can we start over?

Dax: Sorry, we can't start again, it's testing protocol, the Snitch is already out there man! If ya start now, you can still catch it! hurry!

(Cut to a few seconds later. Harry tries to kick off again)

Al: What's going on, brother?

(Harry starts jumping up and down on the spot in a panic. Still the broom won't take off.)

Ron: Harry, are you okay?

Harry: This is weird. I... can't ...get off the ground!

Al: Uh...ok....(to Dax) He can't get off the ground.

Dax: Oh...uh...does this happen often?

Harry: No, this is the first time it's happened...

Ron: Yeah this is really strange...at school he flies like a pro!

Dax: (to Harry) So are you maybe carrying a little holiday weight, or?

Harry (confused): I don't know....

(Cut to Ashton laughing in camera room!)

(Cut to snitch flying in the air.)

(Cut back to the ground where Harry is pacing back and forth looking at the Snitch, holding his broom.)

Harry: Uh, can we please start again? I think something might be wrong with my broom.

Ashton (to Dax from camera room): Remind him his timer's ticking...

Dax (looking at the stopwatch): Reaching fifty seconds now.

Harry (pauses): Look, this is ridiculous. Could you just stop the timer?

Ashton (to Dax from camera room): Remind him again, remind him again!

Dax: Fifty five seconds.

(Harry looks angry.)

(Cut to same scene a few seconds later.)

Dax: Uh Harry, I don't want to seem rude, but what you're showing us at the moment isn't quite up to the high standard that International Quidditch demands...

Harry: I fly much better than this at school! I swear!

Dax: Sorry, it's just that I've been an international talent scout for a long time and I consider your performance more in the category of prancing/skipping... rather than flying.... Al?

Al: Yeah.... skipping. Definitely skipping.

Harry: No!!! I can do soooo much better than this! Listen, just come to one of my games at school, any one of them, I'll show you I can f**** fly.

Dax: So when you say fly, how high are we talking about...

Harry (wiping the sweat off his forehead): I've gone up to a hundred...

Dax: ...millimetres or...

Harry (fuming): Hey watch it!! Metres ok! I f*** swear!!!! More than a hundred metres!

Ron: Yeah this is crazy, Harry's flown well over a hundred metres. I've seen him do it many times at Hogwarts.

Harry: See!

Dax: Ok, can I just ask you a personal question here?

Harry (frustrated): What??

Dax: Before you began your, uh, "flying sessions"... did you and your friend smoke or inhale anything, or perhaps take large amounts of prescribed ...medication?

Harry (sighing): I can't f**** believe this.

Dax: After you uh...caught the Snitch, did you find yourself unexpectedly waking up in a bathroom with a severe headache... like naked....or...

Harry (shaking his head): This is bull.

(Cut to same scene, around a minute later)

Dax (looking disappointedly at the timer): That's the three minute mark. That'll do.

(Dax stops the timer, as Harry shakes his head, swearing again under his breath)

Al: Don't worry about it Harry, man. You tried your best. Good effort.

(Dax takes out a card and writes on it.)

Harry (peering over at the card): D-N-Q? You mean 'did not quality'??? Dude, you said so yourself, I'm the youngest f****n seeker at Hogwarts in a hundred years! I can do this! I swear... let me come back tomorrow. I'll catch ten f**** Snitches in a f**** row! I swear!

Dax: No that won't be necessary...uh...D-N-Q ...is a good thing...it...uh stands for.......deer... nosed ...queen.

Harry: What's that????

Dax: It's......good.

Harry: Hey don't give me that bull, I'm f**** fifteen I know what it means!

Dax: (in a low voice to Al) We shouldn't have brought him here.

Harry (shrilly!): Excuse me?????

Al: Common, Dax. Don't say that. That's not fair.

Dax: I'm sorry, Al! It's just... you call me up in the middle of the night, screaming "Potential champion! potential champion!", get me all excited....bring me all the way out here on my day off....to show me this?! You know I only get, like, three days off a year right?

Harry: But I do fly really well!

Al (to Dax): Don't be so hard on him, man. He's probably just having an off day.

Dax(Raising his voice): Look... I know new recruits aren't always consistent in their game, but for god sakes, you expect them to at least get off the f**** ground!

Al: Hey man, calm down.

Dax: I could be home right now, enjoying myself with a bubble bath! I had it all planned out too, I bought the bubbles, a whole range of expensive shampoos ....the fragranced soap, the lotion ...the whole works!

(Harry puts a hand to his head. Dax and Al are now shouting at each other!)

Al: Hey look I'm really sorry, but I didn't force you to come out here!!!

Dax: Yeah well, sorry doesn't rub the lotion on my sensitive dry skin now does it???

Al: Oh yeah??? You want me to rub lotion on your back, you want me to rub lotion on your back??? Huh?? Huh??

Dax: Comon!! I dare you, go on!!!

Al: This Saturday, your place?!?!?!

Dax: FINE!!!!!!!!!

(Cut to same scene, a few seconds later)

Harry: Give me another chance...I swear... let me come back tomorrow. I swear you won't regret it.

Dax: Oh I won't regret it?

Harry: Yeah, I promise.

Dax: Ok, only if you look over there.

(Harry looks over to this side of the field where Ashton is running across with his firebolt in his hand. A huge smile spreads across Harry's face! Dax, Al and Ron begin to laugh!)

Ashton: Hey Harry!

Harry: What the hell???

Ashton: Harry, I'm sorrym but you've been punk'd, man! You're on my hidden camera show...(points to a hidden camera on side of the field.) Here's your firebolt man, you won't be needing that fake one!

Harry (shocked!): OH MY GOD! You ***hole! You ***hole! This is warrrr man!

(He runs at Ashton and rams into him. Ashton hugs Harry!)

Harry:So they're not???

Dax: Dude, sorry to disappoint you, but I can't even spell Quidditch! (Shakes Harry's hand)

Harry (to Ron): AND YOU???

Ron (laughing): Hehehe...sorry Harry! (they friendly tackle each other)

(Cut to Harry's after-thoughts)

Harry: Oh man, I must've looked so stupid jumping up and down on that broom!

Harry: Damn you Ashton!

Author's note: Hoped you liked it =) If you want to read more, review and tell me which HP character you want punk'd next!