Summary: In a desperate attempt to get some sleep, she goes to see the very man responsible for her insomnia for the first time since the war ended.
It was late.
Too late to fall asleep, but too early to be awake. There were only a couple hours left until sunrise.
Tonight would be yet another night she'd spent wandering the halls of the Athha Mansion. One might ask why she was still awake, and why couldn't she sleep if any of them were any less intimidated by the Princess and her guards. But it wouldn't have mattered if anyone asked or not because there was no way anyone would admit it was because Princess Cagalli experienced nightmares.
Cagalli never got much sleep in the first place, not since the first war, but it wasn't the lack of sleep that bothered her. In fact, she had no problem falling asleep. The second her head hit the pillows, she was dead to the world. The problem was staying asleep. Often times, she would wake up not even an hour later from a nightmare and be unable to fall back asleep.
She quickly learned that the best chance she had of actually getting a good night's sleep was to exhaust herself so completely she wouldn't be able to wake up even if she did experience nightmares. Because of this, she often worked through the night, or when she grew tired of signing papers and reviewing reports, wander the hallways.
It wasn't a bad plan. The stacks of papers seem to grow with every passing day, no matter how hard she worked. There were always complaints she needed to deal with, transcripts from meetings she needed to review, and treaties that needed to be looked over and revised. She gets a lot of work done at night.
But her lack of sleep in the mean time was affecting her work during the day. A couple of the council members had the audacity to pull her aside after meetings to give her tips on how to balance her work schedule to insult her ability to run the country.
As if she could control nightmares.
Since she was little, she'd always had a too active imagination for her own good. As a child, it resulted in scraped knees and minor burns when she decided she wanted to become the mobilesuit to become the best pilot ever. As a teenager, it resulted in a foolish belief that world peace could be obtained without bloodshed and sacrifice. Now as an adult, it was coming back to bite her in the form of nightmares.
Cagalli was a dreamer, and always dreamed. The wars did not help.
Imminent death and friends were three words that haunted her.
Taking a back seat in the second war was a necessary move to prove to her people that she was completely devoted to her nation, that nothing was going to distract her, that she was strong enough to protect her people without actually taking part in the fight.
And it was absolutely the most frightening thing she'd ever done. Scarier than fighting in the first war. Scarier than seeing her father die and her country burn. She didn't know what was happening up there in space. Didn't know if her friends were still alive, unharmed. And the not knowing haunted her.
So Cagalli made it her personal goal to make sure none of those horrific dreams came true.
She made sure Lacus was not missing any limbs or choking on blood, then found Kira to make sure he wasn't last in the wreckage of an explosion. Captain Murrue Ramius, Shinn, Dearka, even Yzak with his permanent scowl were all alive and well. Everyone else followed easily, especially since it was her duty as one of the leaders to greet and congratulate and thank them for their service.
She stopped dreaming their deaths.
Three months after the war now, only one person's death still haunted her dreams and kept her from getting a full night's sleep.
A certain blue-haired, green-eyed Coordinator, whose name those close to her knew was not to be mentioned in her presence.
He wasn't there during the ceremony where she and other leaders thanked them for their bravery because of his injuries, but she had been assured discreetly that he was okay. That he still had all his arms and legs and fingers and toes, that he wasn't suffering any major brain damage or any other severe injury. He was okay.
The words meant nothing when her mind could not believe it. She needed proof, it seemed that he was okay. Not the flimsy word of some nurse who could easily have been acting on the orders of some ranking officer.
But she did try very hard to believe he wasn't dead. But it was difficult because she cared too much about him, because he was her first love interest, because she felt guilty that he and her friends had to enter the frontlines while she stood back and watched.
Perhaps that was why she was wandering through the halls to the unofficially forbidden part of the Athha Mansion. Forbidden to herself, that is. It was the part of the building where guests stayed, and currently, the man whose name was not to be spoken around her was residing there.
After the war, he had resigned from Zaft and accepted the empty post of Admiral Kisaka had offered him. A lot of paperwork had to be processed for this, and Kisaka had somehow managed to do it without letting her know.
She found herself walking towards his room on more than one occassion when she wasn't paying attention to where she was walking. Tonight, however, she was paying attention and purposefully going there.
She wasn't about to let him dictate her life. She was Chief Representative of Orb. Leader of one of the most technologically advanced countries in the world, and he wasn't going to intimidate her.
She was going to face him, confirm he was alive, get some dearly needed sleep. Besides. She couldn't avoid him forever. Not when she had a meeting with him later in
"Lady Cagalli?" a voice said. "What are you doing here?"
Cagalli froze and looked to her right where a young man was standing guard. He didn't salute. None of her personal guards saluted unless in public or in formal occassions because she made it clear on day one that she wanted her home to feel like home and not like some sort of military base.
It didn't hit her until then the consequences of what she was about to do. Sure, she'll probably be able to sleep again, but what if someone saw her traversing to her newly minted admiral's room? The risk of scandal was always looming over her, no matter how tight security was, no matter how careful she was. And in this moment, she was not being careful at all. The scandal could destroy her. She was nearly brought down by Yuna, and here she was visiting another man.
But she was already here. So close to sleep she could almost feel the Sandman caressing her lashes.
"You don't see anything," she said quietly.
The guard blinked, unsure what to do about the order. If it was an order. It was an order, right? But then again, he was also ordered to radio in her position should he see her pass him.
"I, uhh..."
"You don't see anything," she repeated quietly. "You can tell Kisaka in the morning, but right now, you don't see anything."
He swallowed. He'd been told it wasn't often that Lady Cagalli would make direct orders. But here she was, ordering him to see nothing, twice. He nodded and averted his eyes.
From the corner of his eye, he saw a small smile that made it all seem worth it before she disappeared down a corridor.
Standing in front of his door, it seemed to loom over her. She breathed in. Breathed out. Her heart was racing as her fingers curled around the metal doorknob. She slowly, hesitantly twisted the knob, and gently pushed the door open. A soft, eerie creak echoed down the halls and let out a string of curses under her breath.
He'd likely requested a room with a creaky door.
She wanted to turn and run. She suddenly wasn't sure if sleep was worth confront him, was worth risking scandal. But she was too far in to turn back not. She she held the door still as she leaned in to peer through the three inch thick crack.
The room was surprisingly well lit thanks to the large windows in front of the door letting in moonlight. Even with the three-inch viewing space, she had a perfect view of the bed where she could see the head of blue hair that stuck out from under the covers. He was sleeping with his back to the door, which was unusual as he usually slept facing it. An overwhelming feeling of relief washed over her.
Letting out a breath of air she didn't even know she'd been holding, she pulled the door close. When it finally clicked shut, she felt her knees give way as her back slid down against the wall, onto the carpet. She couldn't describe the relief she felt. Like a weight was lifted off her shoulders, like the dark claw holding her lungs and restricting air was gone. But what was left was too much air, too much weightlessness.
She felt ungrounded. Like her bones were gone, and all that was left was flesh. She welcomed the fatigue, and took a deep breath in preparation to stand up and return to her room. But all logic seemed to escape her as her hands gripped the carpet. It was soft. New, she realized. And the moonlight and slight breeze that poured in through an open window down the hall was like a lullaby, slowly coaxing her and pulling her into the land of dreams.
I'll rest just for a minute, she promised herself. Then back to my room.
...
The next morning, Cagalli woke up in her own bed.
She found herself curled up in a ball in the centre of her bed with the blankets tucked securely around her. She didn't give much thought as to how she ended up in her bed instead of laying on the carpet outside his room where she remembered falling asleep. She thought it was Kisaka who carried her back.
But she seemed to have forgotten that she was a light sleeper, and only two people in the whole world had ever moved her without waking her up.
Her deceased father, and him.
Athrun Zala.
...
Athrun Zala saw Cagalli for the first time face to face since after the war when he left his room later that night. He'd thought there was an intruder outside the door. He had left the security of his bed with his gun, ready to get rid of whoever it was that interrupted his sleep, but instead of finding a stranger dressed in dark clothes and armed with weapons meant to take his life, he found Cagalli. She was sleeping soundly outside his door against the wall, looking completely relaxed and at peace and as beautiful as he remembered.
He almost smiled when he noticed the dark circles under her eyes, because at that moment, he knew that she was as worried about him as he was of her.
And maybe now after seeing her, he can get some sleep too.
Insomniacs unite!
-I'mStillTired
Revised: May 23, 2015