Day under the Sun
Charles Montgomery Burns looked at the lake. It was more sparkly than ever this time of year. He spread out a checkerboard blanket. He placed his picnic basket on the ground and started to empty it. Inside was a delicious spread: a cheese wheel, a jar of smoked oysters, homemade salmon mousse, some socialite crackers, two sandwiches made with delicious medium rare roast beef and a horseradish/au-jus combination on French baguettes, and a bottle of champagne. The suggestion had come from his companion, who had told Montgomery that it would be fun to eat a fancy and expensive picnic in front of any subordinates that might come to the lake that day, either to show off or to make them jealous. Montgomery's companion was running a wee bit late. He had promised to bake a chocolate cake from scratch and bring it to the picnic, so Monty sat and waited for his companion to arrive.
His companion was none other than his assistant, Waylon Smithers Jr., who had gotten to the picnic roughly fifteen minutes late, carrying with him a beautifully decorated chocolate cake—made with lots of love and affection. Montgomery said, "It took you long enough to arrive."
"I'm sorry, sir", Waylon apologized, "But the rosettes were hard to make without a squeeze bottle."
Montgomery told Waylon, "You know, you could always just BUY a squeeze bottle."
Waylon explained further, "I did, and the line at the store was hell. Homer Simpson was in front of me with eleven items. In the express lane! And he wouldn't listen to the cashier who told him to leave, so eventually I gave up and used the normal lane, in which I was behind Lenford Leonard, who was for some reason buying 100 packages of bacon! But at least that eventually ended, I finished decorating our cake, and now I'm here."
Montgomery asked, "Why do those names sound so familiar?"
Waylon answered, "Because they're our subordinates, sir."
"Hmm…" Montgomery pondered, and then started eating his sandwich. Waylon joined in and started eating the other one. Soon the two of them had eaten all the entrée/side items except for a few slices of cheese, a couple of socialite crackers, a single smoked oyster, and salmon mousse that could fit in one teaspoon. "Well, I guess it's time for the wine course, eh, Smithers?"
Waylon said, "Yes sir. That would be lovely." Montgomery took the bottle of champagne out of his basket along with two crystal flutes. He poured one for himself, and then for his assistant. Waylon proposed a toast, "To our success at the company!"
Montgomery smiled and toasted back, "To our success at the company!" And they kept drinking the champagne until the bottle was empty. Montgomery practically fainted from inebriation, and Waylon, feeling a little tipsy as well, decided to act on his long suppressed unrequited love. Inebriated Monty didn't notice who was fondling him, so he assumed it was a beautiful woman and kissed back.
The two of them didn't notice that all the people present who actually had an IQ of 100 or better (shocking!) were staring right at them. Waylon was about to undress Montgomery, actually, but Chief Clancy Wiggum put a stop to that right away. Waylon cried as Clancy dragged him away, "But I looooooove him."
"You can 'love him' on private property, but this is a public place."
Montgomery slurred loudly, "You can take my girlfriend, but you can't take my rifle." He picked up the empty champagne bottle, and stuck the neck out as if it were a barrel of a gun.
"And you," said Clancy, "You're WAY over the legal limit. You're coming with me."
"He only drank half the bottle, you agist pig." Waylon said in that half-drunken way he has been doing.
"That's right, Smithy, Smithereens, he's a good guy he drank seven fifths of the bottle." Montgomery slurred loudly once again.
Clancy carried Montgomery on one shoulder and Waylon on the other. When he got back to the car, he said, "This one was caught attempting public nudity," handing Waylon to his backup, Lou. "And this one was caught with a blood alcohol content way over the legal limit," he said, handing Montgomery to his backup, Eddie.
Lou looked jealous and said, "Why do you get the drunk one?"
Eddie looked jealous and said, "Why do you get the cute one?"
They instinctively traded. Their next transaction went a little something like this:
"Hey you didn't tell me he was ugly!"
"And you didn't tell me this one was only a little tipsy!"
"You're kinda cute," Waylon said without thinking, and kissed Eddie on the lips.
Eddie said, "Well… I'm flattered, but wouldn't you rather date someone… older?"
"You bet I would, and he's in your partner's hands." Waylon tried to squirm out of Eddie's grasp and crawl over to Montgomery.
Montgomery tried to do the same with Lou's grasp and Waylon. Eventually they both fell on the ground and passed out. Lou and Eddie shrugged and left them by the lake. "Uh, chief… those two misdemeanors you found got away," Lou half-lied.
"Well, that's okay, so long as they aren't in my eyesight anymore. That relationship is some serious squick. I mean, that guy is 61 years older than his boyfriend."
"Well chief, some people like older women… or men."
"I can't speak for them, but I say, within 10 years or no deal."
When Waylon and Montgomery finally came to, sobered up, they saw that it was nearly sundown. Waylon shot a worried expression, only to be returned in kind. "The cake!" they both exclaimed, running down to the lake to see what had become of it, not without Montgomery stopping to upchuck out of hangover. They finally reached the lake and found that the blanket was still there, but the cake was missing. "Somebody stole it!" Montgomery shouted.
Waylon started to cry, "I spent 4 hours on that cake and 90 ungodly minutes at the grocery store to buy ONE ITEM to bake a cake for you… and for me. For you and me alone! And now all that effort has gone to someone else."
"Oh relax," Montgomery said, "It was just a cake. We can just buy one."
"You don't understand! I NEEDED to make it for you, I just did. You don't understand and you never will, but that cake NEEDED to be made from scratch, and personalized for the one I truly love…" Waylon continued and upon seeing the weird look on Montgomery's face, quickly added, "As a friend, and a friend alone!"
Montgomery started to worry and clutched onto his assistant saying, "If there is a prowler on the loose than he could attack me next. You know how we billionaires are always victim to assassinations."
Waylon narrowed his eyes seductively and said, "Don't worry, sir. I'll protect you with my life."