AN: There is a perfectly rational explanation for how this piece of crack happened, but you'll never get it from me, and thus, will always be left wondering. That said I was pretty busy today with painters so I didn't have time to work on anything serious, although the next chapter of Phantasmal Black is in progress, so in lieu of that, have this... very silly thing.

The people who are to blame for it know who they are.

Cat Got Your Tongue

AU

When Toyama Kazuha arrived at the detective agency, a bag that he recognized as belonging to Heiji hanging over her shoulder, he quickly got the impression that something was wrong here.

Especially once he took notice of the way said bag almost seemed to squirm.

"Kazuha-chan?" Setting down the cleaning supplies that she had been holding, Ran turned towards her, a rather befuddled look on her face. That was odd- there had been times when Heiji had visited without Kazuha, to be sure, but it had never happened the other way around. And she was almost entirely certain that was his bag she was carrying, the one with the familiar V for Victory on it's sides. "Is everything alright? Where's Hattori-kun?"

"Well, about that..." Kazuha trailed off, glancing between the two of them, before heaving a long sigh. "Somethin' unbelievable happened."

"Does it have anything to do with what's inside Heiji-niichan's bag?" Conan piped up, watching as the bag almost seemed to squirm in response. There was almost definitely something alive in there.

"Well... I guess it does." Kazuha said after a moment. As the bag squirmed again in response, she made a low shushing sound, holding it in place for the moment as her eyes darted around the agency once more. "Is that uncle not here?"

"Dad?" Ran asked, before shaking her head. "No, he's out with a friend right now. Did you need him for something?"

"No, no!" Quickly shaking her head, Kazuha almost blanched at the way it looked like Ran had been reaching for her phone for a moment, only relaxing once she slipped it back into her pocket. "It's better we don't let him know about somethin' like this!"

"Something like what, Kazuha-neechan?" Conan asked once again. If he trained his ears, he felt as if he could hear something making sounds from within the bag- faint, almost mewling sounds. It almost sounded like a...

"Well, ya see..." Letting out a long sigh, Kazuha carefully unzipped the bag, finally releasing the creature that she had apparently shoved in there, carefully holding it in her hands. "Actually, this is Heiji."

Somewhere, in the back of his mind, Conan found himself thinking that if the animal she had extended forth towards them were a dog, he might have believed her easier. On the other hand, whether it was because it wasn't like Kazuha to play a prank like this, or perhaps because of the rather surly, disgruntled expression on the animal's face, somehow, he didn't think this was a joke, either.

Well, that, and there was the fact that he could only wonder how long it would have taken them to find a cat that managed to look almost exactly like Heiji. Between the tuft of hair to one side of his head, and the patches of dark brown above his eyes that almost resembled eyebrows, the cat in question really did look like him. It was even a black cat, a perfect fit, really, for someone who had as much bad luck as Heiji.

"Kazuha-chan, that's..." Ran began, only finding that she didn't quite know what to say until after she had already began to speak. Quickly shutting her mouth, she simply swallowed, her gaze darting between girl and cat, and then back again.

"I know, I know what it sounds like!" Kazuha told them, an almost desperate look in her eyes. "But I'm bein' dead serious here! This is really, really Heiji!"

As if to help his childhood friend out, the cat being dangled in her arms let out a rather loud yowl, his own gaze flickering between Ran and Conan alike. Blue eyes, they both took note of- and although they were like a cat's in nature, just like the rest of him, they somehow managed to be very familiar even so.

For a moment, Ran and Conan could only remain silent, exchanging a glance between each other. If this were a joke, it was a very elaborate one- and neither of them thought that Heiji could hold himself back from jumping out to laugh at them for this long. In other words, there was only one possibility left-

...this was real.

"Eh!?" They hadn't meant to sync their reactions, yet nevertheless, that was exactly what happened. As both the shoulders of Kazuha, and the black cat she was carrying, slumped alike at the sound of their outburst, Ran and Conan were left to process the fact that yes, somehow or another, Hattori Heiji had ended up as a cat.

A dog would be one thing- he'd always been rather akin to such animals. But a cat?

"So ya believe me?" Kazuha asked, letting out another deep sigh, this time, one of relief. "That's great, I didn't know what I'd do if ya didn't. We can't keep him at home, ya see, cause both my father an' Heiji's father are allergic ta cats, so I was hopin' that maybe..."

"Wait a second, Kazuha-chan!" Quickly cutting in, Ran held up a hand. "We're both still trying to wrap our heads around this idea. You're saying that cat's really...?"

"Yeah." Kazuha said with a nod, finally placing the cat down, which seemed to please him. "The other day, the two of us went ta a shrine, an' he accidentally broke the holy relic that they had on display there. We're pretty sure those two things are related."

Letting out a low yowl, as if to point out that it wasn't his fault, the black cat's gaze flickered from Kazuha, over towards the other two. His tail slightly twitching as he looked Conan's way, he let out another loud yowl, one that the shrunken detective could only begin to guess the meaning of.

"I'm guessing he can't talk?" Conan asked, the frown on his face set so deep that he nearly feared it would become a permanent fixture. This was, undeniably, an absurd situation- but so was being shrunk down into a child, he supposed. And quite honestly, if there was ever someone who was going to prove the existence of something like curses to him, it was pretty much always going to be Heiji.

"No." Kazuha said, shaking her head. "Though I think he's tried."

"That must be terrible for Hattori-kun." Ran remarked, only for her words to be met with a rather quick reply from Heiji himself- one that they didn't need to understand to know that it probably meant something along the lines of the main problem here wasn't that. "Well, among other things, obviously."

"It's terrible fer me too!" Kazuha protested. "We can't even keep him back at home, like I was sayin' earlier! That's why, Ran-chan, please," she begged, clapping her hands together as she did so, "...yer the only one I can trust ta look after him fer the time being! He can't exactly take care of himself like this!"

Heiji apparently cared to protest that point.

"Well that's..." Ran trailed off, her gaze straying down towards Conan, before it drifted once more towards Heiji. He was looking her way again, his tail almost seeming to sway expectantly, waiting for her answer. "I guess I'm fine with it if Conan-kun is, but what about Hattori-kun? He should have some say in this matter too."

Or as much of one that he could manage, given, well... goodness, this was going to take quite some time to get used to.

She was going to assume that the yowl Heiji made in response was a yes, given his body language. He really wasn't much of a cat, even if he was in fact, quite literally a cat, she thought to herself- if anything, his body language came off as being much more like a dog's.

And as much as she was ready and willing to help out a friend, at the same time, she couldn't help but wonder what, exactly, she had gotten herself into.

"Conan-kun, I've already told you, you shouldn't tease Ellery like that!"

Grumbling a little as Ran cleaned the freshly made scratches on his face, Conan could only shoot a dirty look back towards the source of them. The black cat was watching him, what he had come to recognize as a rather smug grin on his face, as if he had done nothing wrong at all.

Sure, he'd been teasing him a little bit... but as far as he saw it, it was only fair payback for everything that Heiji had already put him through. Ran, on the other hand... probably wouldn't feel that way, he already knew. And Heiji, damn it all, was all too aware of this as well.

And after he had taken a bit of mercy on him, and named him after his favorite author. If he kept this up, he might change it to Holmes, like he had first considered.

"For a stray that brat picked up, he sure doesn't seem to like him sometimes." Kogoro observed, his gaze barely straying away from his newspaper. In the three days since they'd taken in the stray black cat, he'd gotten the same treatment his fair share of times as well- the cat was rather quick to express his displeasure, by virtue of his claws and teeth.

"You have had that thing checked out by a vet, right?" Kogoro asked, not missing the way the cat bristled at the suggestion. If he didn't know any better, he'd say the thing could understand human speech.

"Geez, of course I have!" Ran fussed, her gaze flickering almost sympathetically towards Heiji. It was probably better than cluing him in, but by virtue of thinking that Heiji was a real cat, her father had already made more than his fair share of missteps. "And his name isn't that stray or that thing, it's Ellery! Ell-e-ry!"

"I don't see why we have to take care of it in the first place." Kogoro muttered, his gaze flickering down towards the cat once more, a deep frown on his face. For some reason, it reminded him of someone, and that bothered him. "Not to mention, you won't even buy cat food for it. Is it really alright, letting it eat human food?"

"I'm sure it's fine!" Conan piped up, deciding to help Ran out- more for her own sake though, than Heiji's, who he was still mad at. "Ran-neechan is careful not to include anything cats can't eat in her cooking."

He'd tried to give Heiji cat food, as a joke on the first day- and he had paid for his joke dearly. He'd made it very clear that while he might have the appearance of one, he had no intention of eating like one. Without any ability to speak, not in any way they could understand, the human turned feline was rather quick to resort what few methods he had of conveying himself left- and pain, apparently, was one of them.

"Well, if you say so..." Still sounding unconvinced, Kogoro merely accepted it for the moment. He didn't really get it, but his daughter seemed rather defensive of the cat for some reason, and he had long ago since learned that sometimes it was just better not to cross her.

Honestly though... from the way his daughter treated the cat, you'd swear it was human.

Being a cat, he decided, was exhausting.

He'd come to that conclusion on the morning of the second day, when it had dawned on him that this was both neither a dream, nor something that was going to wear off all that quickly. On the morning of the start of the second week, he had begrudgingly accepted his fate, which, of course, didn't really make the situation any less annoying for him. It was just easier not to spend every waking moment sulking over it, when it looked like it wasn't going to sort itself out any time soon.

With very little say in the matter, Heiji had more or less gotten used to his current state of affairs. Being a cat wasn't all bad, per say- he was pretty much free to do whatever he wanted, and go wherever he wanted. Sure, he'd gotten lost the first few times he had wandered out into Beika, but recently, he'd more or less learned his way around the place. His tiny cat body brought with it plenty of inconveniences, but he couldn't claim that he didn't like how agile he was with it.

As for the disadvantages, of which there were any number, he had begun to adjust to them as well. Not having opposable thumbs was a huge downside, and not being able to talk was a serious pain in the ass. Or to be more precise, not being able to talk to anyone human- at the very least, it had turned out that there was no shortage of cats in the neighborhood willing to chat with him.

As it turned out, the stuff cats had to say was actually pretty interesting. They seemed to recognize that, by and large, he wasn't quite one of them- but most of them had accepted him into their fold, and for that, he had to admit, he was grateful. He didn't know what he would do if he were unable to talk to anyone- and talking to his fellow cats was honestly better than not talking at all.

His fellow cats, though... well, as much as he said he was going to accept this, for the time being, it still bothered him at the end of the day. At the very least, he'd stopped doing things like forgetting he had four legs now, and catching sight of his reflection no longer startled him, only caused him to grumble a bit.

There were parts of his new field of vision that he was still getting used to- but he had to say, he was going to miss the night vision. The hearing too- both of which he found himself thinking would prove themselves useful in a case. Not that he would have much chance of using them as he was now- but when- and there was some small part of him that dreaded that it was actually an if- he went back to his normal self, he would kind of miss them both.

The sense of smell though... he wasn't going to miss that. There was a reason he stayed as far away from Kogoro as possible, and it wasn't just because the old man was prone to manhandling him in a way he didn't like. He'd be lying if he said that wasn't part of it though- but thankfully, among those who weren't aware he was actually a human, Kogoro was the worst of them.

Honestly, even the Detective Boys were better than him. That said, he did kind of wish they'd stop it already with the cat toys- especially the catnip mice. On the list of things that he would never be able to live down for the rest of his life, the catnip mice were pretty high on the list.

There were other things too, of course- being a cat brought a whole new set of instincts, and a whole new set of needs. And on occasion, when those two things collided, well... they could create some problems for him.

This time, the problem was a hairball.

The moment he'd realized what it was that he had coughed up, Heiji's eyes darted frantically around the agency, only relaxing once he confirmed that nobody had been here to witness what he had just done. If he were able, he would have let out a sigh of relief, but instead, his shoulders merely slumped, thinking what he needed to do right now to hide the evidence of this rather... embarrassing incident.

Of that, he was loathe to admit, there had been any number of. The litter box was the worst of them, worst still than the catnip mice- and he had made certain to impress the importance of leaving something unlocked for him to slip out of during the night to both Neechan and Kudo afterwards. It had taken him ages before he could manage to look anyone in the eye after that, but blessedly, they hadn't spoken a word of it to Kazuha.

Kudo probably wanted to, he could sense- ever since he had ended up like this, it felt like the guy was giving him nothing but grief. He would have thought that he'd have more sympathy for him, given that they had both been forced into bodies that they didn't want, but apparently, he was wrong.

Alright, that was a bit of an exaggeration- Kudo did in fact, give him plenty of sympathy. What he couldn't do anymore, Kudo usually did for him without too much of a fuss- though he always had something to say whenever it came to reading Ellery Queen novels, that jerk. For the most part, he still treated him almost look he always did, certain necessary hiccups not withstanding... and that, Heiji honestly appreciated.

For the most part, that was. He could do without the guy trying to lug him around everywhere like that- that was no way to hold a cat!

Which, god help him, he was.

Which was all the more reason why he could never let him find out about this. Eyes darting around the agency once more, Heiji quickly made up his mind, carefully shoving the hairball underneath one of the couches. Leaping up onto Kogoro's desk, he grabbed a tissue, using it as best he could to wipe up any trail left behind, before dropping it in the trash.

He might have not liked being a cat, but he'd gotten pretty decent at it nonetheless. Kudo might claim that his body language was still a downright mess, but when it came to dealing with day to day situations, he pretty much had the whole cat thing figured out.

Ran, of course, found the hairball later. He'd been unable to meet her eyes during the entire time she had cleaned it up, grateful that at the very least, she was the only other person in the room with him. It was only after she had thrown it away that she had softly promised that she wouldn't mention a peep of it to anyone- a promise, which while he was grateful for it, was not one that would hold later on.

Not when it came to the laser pointer.

If there was another downside to being a cat, of which, he was swiftly discovering there were many- it was the instincts. It wasn't as if he forgot he was human at any point in time, but rather, it was just that at times, the instincts that came as a package deal with the body could be a... little overpowering, to say the least.

Logically, he of course knew that the red dot on the floor was impossible to catch, his brain running through exactly how it was that laser pointers worked, their ins and outs. Logic, however, fell to the wayside the very moment it moved out of his immediate line of vision, instinct surging up in it's place. For a moment, the only thing he knew was that there was something fast before him, something that he had to catch, otherwise he would be a complete failure of a cat.

He only dimly made out the sound of Ran calling for Conan to come and see, only truly noticing the presence of his friend by the appearance of a second, infernal red dot on the floor.

To hell with logic, he'd catch them both.

Apparently, it wasn't enough that every man, woman, and child in this town had decided to become detectives. No, apparently now, even animals had to get in on the act.

At the very least, that was the only way that he had to explain the black cat that he'd found nosing around the crime scene, acting as if for all the world that he belonged there. One whose behavior, if Megure didn't know any better, was much more that of someone investigating the area, than of a stray cat that had just wandered in somehow. An ill omen, one of the officers had muttered underneath their breath.

Somehow, when the one who came to claim the cat in question turned out to be none other than Edogawa Conan, Megure wasn't all that surprised.

"So, I take it this cat is your pet, then?" Megure dryly asked. He had heard mention that the Edogawa boy had taken in a stray cat. The fact that it was a black cat that he had adopted had flown underneath his radar, yet somehow, it didn't quite surprise him.

"Something like that!" Conan hastily replied, not even needing to look down at the way Heiji's fur bristled to know that he wasn't taking kindly to being called that. He'd grumbled when the Detective Boys did it too, and while part of him found it funny, the other part of him had to admit, it was awkward to hear his best friend referred to in such a manner.

"Well, take more care not to let him wander into crime scenes, then." Megure simply told him. "We can't have him spreading cat fur everywhere."

That earned him a rather annoyed yowl, and for a moment, Megure could only wonder if the cat had perhaps understood him. When he later caught the child discussing something with the cat in hushed tones in one corner of the room, he began to suspect that he was on to something there.

And likewise, he decided that he wanted no further part in that. There were already far too many mysteries revolving around Edogawa Conan for him to want to have to start puzzling out the mystery of his cat.

The weight of something landing on the back of his backpack was something he'd come to recognize, to the point where he didn't even need to glance back to know who it was. Letting out a small sigh, Conan nevertheless did that much, adjusting the straps of his bag so that he could carry the fuzzy freeloader a bit more easily.

"Taking a walk, Hattori?" Conan asked, grateful that he had already parted ways with the rest of the Detective Boys. The cat's grin was of course, not quite like that of the one he sported when he was human, but it was nevertheless a fairly close imitation of it. "Patrolling?"

That yowl was a yes, Conan gathered. He thought he'd wandered into the usual territory that Heiji had more or less claimed as his own, and it would seem that he was right. It wasn't the first time that he had crossed paths with the detective turned cat outside of the agency, and he suspected it was unlikely to be the last.

"Honestly, I can't believe you managed to get used to this." Conan told him, deciding that he was now a bit tired of the cat riding on his bag. "And get off already, Hattori. You're heavy."

Making a faint sound, Heiji nevertheless complied, hopping off the back of Conan's bag, stretching a little after doing so. His tail twitching slightly, a rather pleased expression graced his face as he caught up with his friend again, keeping pace with him.

"You are planning on going back to normal sometime, aren't you?" Conan asked. The look that he got in return was easy to read- a quick, unspoken retort of I could say the same fer you, idiot.

"Fair point." Conan admitted. "But at least I can talk."

Ah yes, that hiss he knew. It only ever had one meaning- one that Ran would have him washing out his mouth with soap if he dared repeat it.

"Geez, cranky. Did you lose a fight with a bird today or something?" Conan asked- a question he almost regretted asking, given the rather smug expression on the cat's face. "Don't actually get into fights with birds, Hattori."

Whatever reply he might have given was put on hold, as Heiji froze in place, his ears twitching in the direction of a sound that Conan couldn't even begin to hear. It wasn't the first time this had happened either- and he usually knew that it was prelude to something else. Sure enough, not a second later, Heiji was already on the move, darting off and leaping up a wall, following a path that would be difficult for even Conan's child sized body to follow.

Heaving a long sigh, Conan merely pulled out his cellphone, shooting Ran a message that he might be a little late coming home from school that day. He didn't know if it were part and parcel of whatever curse that Heiji had been placed on him, or if it were just something inherent in his nature as a black cat, but sometimes it almost seemed as if he'd developed an even more uncanny ability to find cases than he'd already had.

Well, as long as he figured out the source of the sirens that Heiji had undoubtedly picked up on, he'd probably find that darned cat. Hopefully before he gave Megure too much of a headache.

"Heiji, I missed ya~!"

Were it anyone else, the claws would have come out the moment he had been scooped up and squeezed in a tight embrace, but as it was, he merely endured it. He had kind of missed her too, after all, even if they had only spent a week apart. To those who had spent a lifetime together, even something as small as that felt as if it were a great distance.

Besides, it wasn't as if he could advance their relationship any now that he was a furball, so the most that he could do for his childhood friend was let her pamper him. In truth, there was a part of him that couldn't exactly claim that he disliked it- Kazuha always seemed to know just how to stroke him just right.

The fact that he actually enjoyed being petted was a secret that he would take to his grave.

"Have they been takin' good care of ya, Heiji?" Kazuha asked, finally releasing him from her vice grip, as she flopped back on the couch. There was a pleased smile on her face as he curled up in her lap, letting out a yowl in reply to her question. "I see, so they have! I knew that trustin' Ran-chan was the right choice!"

"Would you like something to drink, Kazuha-chan?" Ran asked, sparing a smile down towards the cat curled up on her lap. Really, it would appear that he saved his most content expression for when she was around- it was almost transparent in a way like no other that he liked her. He only purred for her, after all. "Are you fine for now, Hattori-kun?"

That yowl was a yes, Ran determined. Figuring out what his various noises meant had become rather simple recently- but it should come as no surprise, seeing that Heiji had been with them for nearly three months now. As of yet, there had been no signs of his curse lifting, and as much as she could tell it was making Heiji somewhat antsy, he also had seemed to resign himself to his fate, whatever it might be.

"I'm fine, Ran-chan!" Kazuha told her, lightly stroking Heiji's head, a soft smile on her face at the sound of the purr that he made as she did so. Really, he was so cute like this- though it was bit frustrating not to be able to talk to him as she always could. "I just hope that Heiji hasn't been givin' ya too much trouble."

"The other day, Heiji-niichan-!"

"No, not at all." Ran said, quickly cutting Conan off, casting a smile down towards him that very quickly made him snap his mouth shut. They had promised to keep that bird incident under wraps, after all. "He's been a very polite houseguest."

"Well, I guess he's got an awful lot less of himself ta make a mess with these days." Kazuha remarked, moving her finger so that she scratched right underneath his chin. "Ahh, if only he was this easy ta deal with normally!"

Her words earned her an annoyed glower from Heiji, breaking out of his otherwise pleased revere to let his protests be known. There were times it almost felt as if Kazuha liked him better this way, when he was small and cute like this. Still, there were only just moments- because all he had to do to know that she missed the real him was just look into her eyes.

He loved when Kazuha visited, but he also hated it too- because it reminded him all too keenly of the distance between the two of them. Honestly, now that it was like this, the first thing he was going to do upon returning to being a human was to properly confess to her!

But since he couldn't do anything about that right now, for the moment, he could at least let her pamper however much she wanted. It certainly wasn't just because he happened to like it- a lot.

As they watched Heiji all but melt into Kazuha's lap, Ran and Conan could only exchange a glance between each other, a shared smile between them. They didn't need words to know that Heiji enjoyed Kazuha's pampering to no end- that much was written on his face, etched into every signal his tiny feline body gave off.

Honestly, be he human or cat, there was no one out there easier to read than Hattori Heiji.