To sleep, perchance to dream Chapter 1, a hunger games fanfic

Disclaimer: I own nothing

Pairing: Hayffie (Haymitch/Effie) over all, others mentioned.

Summary: Every night she dreams and every night it's different. In which, Effie dreams of a different life five different times and one time she didn't have to dream at all. AU…kind of.

Warnings: Rated M to be sure. Mentions of sex, blood, death, fighting, gore. Hunger Games stuff, fire. Lots of creative license happening so you may need a suspension of belief or disbelief. It's kind of a strange one?

Author's note: My first Hayffie! I hope you all like it. I'm really nervous about this, it's the first time I do anything like it, so any and all comments are greatly appreciated! The large chunk of italics is the actual dream. Also, feel free to say hi! I would love to get to know more Hayffie fans! I hope you all enjoy! The title is from William Shakespeare's Hamlet and the song is a different version of The Hanging Tree, originally in Mockingjay Part 1 but this particular version is by Tyler Ward and Alyson Stoner. Any mistakes are mine and mine alone, I apologize if they offend anyone!

To sleep, perchance to dream

i. We're their living sacrifice

Out of the East never see the sunrise

Spoon fed peace, swallowing knives

We know that promise is sweet,

But it's laced with venom

And we're their living sacrifice

It's the same thing every night, but different dreams.

She's almost afraid to go to sleep.

And then she thinks the only peace she'll find, is in her dreams.

She grips the windowsill behind her so tightly she thinks she'll break through the rotted wood. Her back is to the window, terrified of what she'll see. She chews her lip until the taste of blood invades her mouth and she thinks, rather bitterly, that she should get used to the taste, smell and feel of blood, because it'll be her only constant for however long she's deigned to live.

She's already said goodbye to her parents and little sister. She watched them sob and she hugged them back tightly, hands gripping the backs of their shirts and trying to memorize every curve and the sound of their voices, because if she's going to leave them for the god-forsaken arena, she's going to remember every single inch of them.

(She didn't cry and she thinks that has to stand for something.)

And then he comes in and blows everything out of the water. One look at him sends her whimpering and she starts shaking, almost uncontrollably. Her vision starts to blur and soon all she can see, all she can smell, all she can feel, is him, pressing her between the windowsill and his body, clutching her as if it'll be the last time he sees her and she thinks it may very well be.

(It's been so long since a tribute from District 12 won and she hardly thinks that a girl from town will be the next Victor.)

"Stay alive." He hisses in her ear and he grips her tighter, crashing his lips into her temple and she grips back just as tightly. "Effie. Effie. Effie. Look at me. Look at me." She wants to tell him that she can't because all she sees is his blurry outline from all her tears and why can't she stop crying? "You need to stay alive. You need to come back to me. Come back to me. Okay? I need you to fight."

"Haymitch." She sucks in a sob and almost chokes. "I'm going to die."

"No." The sound is feral, like it's being ripped out from his throat. She can feel his hands grip her face and suddenly she's looking into his very grey eyes that she lost herself in last night. "You are not going to die. You are going to live. You are going to fight. You are going to win. You need to win. Effie. Please. I lo-"

"Time's up." The Peacekeepers come in, one grabbing Haymitch and pulling him outside. He's still screaming for her to live, to fight, to come back and all she can hear in between that is 'I love you. I love you. IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou.'

Effie boards the train with three other tributes (it's the Quell and she's never felt death so acutely as she does now.)

She sits down, numbly, watching as their escort scurries around the train, clapping his hands, his hair a bright shade of blue that doesn't quite match the smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. She leans her head against the window, watches her family sob and watches as Haymitch breaks through the crowd, staring at her with imploring eyes.

("Do you love me?" She asks him quietly, arching her back, dull nails digging into his back.

His hair is getting unruly. It sticks to his head in matted sweat as he buries his head into her shoulder, leaving little bit marks that will make her mother titter, her father furious and send her sister into a torrent of giggles. "Effie." Her name comes out like a strangled whisper, etching wordless promises into her skin.

She doesn't want to push him. She knows he's not the show-your-love kind of guy and she thinks that's what she loves most about him. "It's fine." She whispers back, afraid of speaking any higher, in fear of breaking the moment they're sharing.

It's incredible how vulnerable he looks like this, propped above her, with every single part of their bodies touching. His hands wrap around her waist and pull her tighter to him. "You're everything to me Effie. Everything." He kisses her on the lips and pours everything he can't say into the kiss.

She hears his proclamation anyways.)

I love you. She sees him mouth. I love you. IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou.

(It's only until his figure is a distant blur and District 12 melts into 11, 10, and 9 that she realizes she never said the words back. She goes into her assigned room and destroys it with a fury she's never felt before. After she's done, and breathing heavily, she hears a throat clear behind her and she whips around and sees their mentor.

Sal is an old man with grey eyes that have been hardened with time but when he looks at her, he looks at her like she's his amusement, like she's the answer he's been looking for. He surveys the room and leans against his cane. "You'll win." He tells her softly, his lips moving with hardly any sound. It's only when she looks at his lip and reads them does she realize what he's saying.

She never thought so before but as she sags into a heap on the floor, staring at the mess and watching Damascus, their escort rant and rave at the mess, she sees Sal slowly but surely sit down next to her and pat her knee, giving her strength she didn't know she had.

But now, now she has to win.

If only to say 'I love you' back.)

Sal tells her not to be stupid. He teaches her to fight in the middle of night. He tells her of his Games and he tells her of the mistakes she should never make.

"Don't go to the Cornucopia." He tells her. "It's a bloodbath."

It's the night before the Games, they're both on the roof where there's no chance of bugs and she knows she should be sleeping. The rest of them are and she thinks of Maysilee, the girl she went to school with and shared pointed glances with when boys kept teasing them. They never talked, not really, Effie was always with Haymitch and Maysilee was always with another crowd. Effie thinks it's better things ended up this way.

She thinks of twelve year old Connor and fifteen year old Troy and she thinks of how many coffins and how many families will be torn apart by this years Games and she hates the Capitol even more than she did before.

"I'm going to die, Sal." Effie tells him, voice breaking as reality comes crashing down on her.

(She argued against special treatment, opting for things to be fair.

"Life isn't fair, Effie." Sal snaps at her. "There will be one victor. One. Double the tributes but still one victor and I've got my bets on you."

"Why?" She asks him, exasperated, frustrated and so fucking angry.

He points at her and smiles, all teeth, "because you're angry and you've got something to fight for. You've got hope. Despite all of this bullshit, you've got hope and sweetheart, that's not only dangerously stupid, it's going to be the only thing pushing you to the finish line. So, you hold on to that anger. You hold on to that hope and you make it to the finish line. You win this fucking thing.")

"You won't." He repeats. "I believe in you. Probably really fucking stupid, but I believe in you."

They stand together in silence until Effie breaks it. "Sal," she asks him, "how many people did you kill in your games?"

He laughs and it's a sad, bitter laugh full of hidden remorse and barely restrained grief, "three." He answers her. "I killed three. Nowhere near as many as others but enough for me."

She nods and makes her way downstairs after he sends her down, telling her that he'll be down in a bit.

She gets into bed but doesn't sleep.

(She'll sleep when she's dead.)

The first person she kills is a career who had his hands around Maysilee's throat. She takes the knife and plunges it into his side, yells at Maysilee to 'leave! Run!' and all Effie can see is red. Red across his chest, red on her hands, red on the forest floor. The smell of blood hits her nostrils and she clambers off of him and throws up, wipes her mouth, grips the knife and stalks her way throughout the forest.

(She sheds two tears that night, one for Connor and one for Troy who didn't make it out of Cornucopia. Their faces lighting up the sky. She doesn't know how she's going to look their families in the face ever again.)

The games last one week. It's between her, Maysilee and a girl from District One.

The girl from District One slices her stomach open and before she can slice Effie's head off, Maysilee jumps on her and stabs her, in retaliation the other girl snaps Maysilee's neck. Effie howls and crawls to Maysilee, gripping her stomach, trying to staunch the bleeding. The girl from District One snarls, sways and with strength Effie didn't know she had she takes her knife, balances it in her hand and throws it at her, landing right between the eyes, silently thanking Sal for his late night lessons.

Both the girl from District One and Maysilee are dead.

The cannons sound, her name is called as Victor.

But she's cradling Maysilee in her arms, apologizing over and over and over again. Her eyes catching the gold token pinned on her jacket.

("That's a pretty pin." Effie comments one night at the penthouse.

Maysilee smiles softly and twirls it around her fingers. "Thanks. It belonged to my sister. She gave it to me for good luck." She takes in a deep breath. "Effie…can I ask you a favor?"

"Of course."

She bites her lip. "When I die," she holds up a hand, stopping Effie from berating her, "when I die, can you make sure my sister gets the token back? I just…I want it to go back to her."

"What makes you so sure I'll be the one to giving it to her? There's a very good chance of me dying."

Maysilee laughs and it's not bitter and it's not angry. "No. No. I have a feeling you're going to be the last one standing. Make us proud, Effie. Just promise me, you'll give the token back to my sister."

"I promise." She says, her eyes straying to the gold pin, where a mockingjay stares back at her.)

She can hear the hovercraft above and she all she can see is red, until black spots appear in front of her eyes, her hand curling around the pin, yanking it off Maysilee's shoulder and then there is nothing but darkness.

When she wakes up, she sees Sal sitting in the chair next to her bed.

"Sal." She croaks.

He looks at her with a sad smile. "Hey kid. You did good."

She nods weakly. "It's done."

He gives a bitter laugh and shakes his head. "It's never done, Effie. Once you're in the Games, you never leave." He leans closer to her. "Listen to me, Effie. You're life will only get harder from here. You look behind you, in front of you, beside you. You never let your mask drop. You want to stay alive? You want your family to stay alive? You want Haymitch to stay alive, you do everything the Capitol and Snow tells you to. I'm sorry Effie. I'm so sorry."

She frowns. "Haymitch…"

Sal sighs, "If you love him, you'll let him go. You'll forget he existed. You need to watch your back Effie. One misstep and the Capitol will destroy you. The Games were the first step honey, now you have to live the rest of your life knowing you'll never truly escape."

She can't give him up. She's can't. She won't.

"You want him to live?" Sal hisses at her and he reiterates everything back to her, as if repeating it will make her understand and the scary thing is, it does. "You want your family to live? Effie listen to me, the Capitol will kill your family. They won't kill you, they'll kill everyone you love to make you their pet. You'll never be free but you can give them the chance. Watch everything you say, Effie. Watch everything." She has half a mind to tell him to watch his own back because what he's saying could be the end of him.

"I should have died." She croaks, tears stinging her eyes.

"Have you ever heard of the story of the mockingjay?" Sal asks her softly, but not soft enough and she can see the hardness in his eyes, she can see the defiance and the resoluteness. She feels her heart sink. He doesn't wait for her confirmation. "The mockingjays were left for dead but they survived and evolved. One day, you'll find that you survived and you'll be exactly what these Games need."

He grabs her hand and slips something in it. He gives her a sad smile and kisses her forehead and it feels so much like goodbye that she wants to cry. She doesn't. Instead she looks at her hand and finds Maysilee's gold mockingjay pin in her palm, gleaming in gold and Effie knows her story is far from over.

When they get back to Twelve, she comes back with three coffins. The mayor greets her but she can see that he can't quite look her in the eye and Effie's okay with that because she can't quite look any of them in the eye.

Her parents and sister nearly trip over themselves to get to her and she lets herself get lost in their embrace and over her father's shoulder she sees Haymitch, struggling to get through. She turns her head and looks at Sal who gives her a sad pointed look. She buries her head in her sister's hair and tells Sal she's taking her family to the Victor's Village.

Sal holds Haymitch back and she hears a lie about giving her space, because the space that is parted for her as she makes her way to their new house is space enough. Everything has changed, she thinks as she walks away from Haymitch, her heart breaking with every step.

She can hear him shout, I love you. I love you. IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou.

She tells him she loves him back inside her head.

He's safe there.

When she wakes up the next morning, something is different. Something in the air cackles with electricity and she frowns, a heavy feeling in her stomach. The sun is just starting to rise and she can feel the cold air in her bones.

She kisses her sister's head as she gets out of bed and shrugs on warm pants, a jacket she doesn't bother buttoning up and boots she doesn't bother lacing up. She checks on her parents who are sleeping soundly and walks down the stairs.

Her heart stops and she feels her blood thump loudly in her ears as she looks at the lone white rose on her kitchen table.

(White roses may look pretty, Sal once told her, but don't be fooled Effie. They're deadly. Vicious and deadly.

It's never done, Effie. Once you're in the Games, you never leave.

One misstep and the Capitol will destroy you.

They won't kill you, they'll kill everyone you love to make you their pet. You'll never be free but you can give them the chance. Watch everything you say, Effie. Watch everything.)

She didn't do anything. She barely has had time to do anything but there is a sinking feeling in her stomach, in her bones, in her very soul that tells her something is wrong. She stumbles out of the kitchen, knocking over a chair, swiping a vase off the counter in her haste, barely giving it a glance as it shatters. She can hear her parents get up, their yelps barely registering in her ears as she stumbles out the door, slamming it behind her. She races to the Seam, people already awake giving her a wide berth.

She wants to lash out at them and tell them that she is as much a victim as anyone else. But she doesn't, finds she can't as she flings herself against a familiar door and pushes it open without knocking. It's rude, but she doesn't care. She's never knocked before.

Haymitch's mother is at the stove and she twirls around, hand over her heart and Haymitch is in front of his mother in a second, protecting her. Her heart twists painfully, that his first instinct is to protect his mother against her. Against her. Against Effie who has spent days with this woman, laughing and helping and bemoaning her son's lack of manners. Haymitch drops his protective stance and takes a step towards her.

She doesn't know how they go from their respective places to this but suddenly she's clashing into him and he's holding her tight and she's shaking because she thought she lost him.

She thought she lost him.

(They won't kill you, they'll kill everyone you love to make you their pet. You'll never be free but you can give them the chance. Watch everything you say, Effie. Watch everything.)

Sal's words come back to her and she pushes herself away from him, horrified that she gave them (who is them? What is them? She is so confused. She is so terrified) the leverage they needed over her. "You're okay." She murmurs.

He nods. "I'm fine. Effie." He says her name as if it physically pains him and she closes her eyes and thinks back to the night before the reaping when everything was perfect. "Sal told me to stay away from you and I don't know who he thinks he is-"

And just like that a coldness settles over her again. Dread seeps into her heart. In the distance she can hear a scream and she thinks it's her imagination. She thinks it's her nightmares coming back to haunt her in every aspect of her life, until she sees Haymitch and his mother startle. Her own mother rushes into the house, eyes full of tears. "Effie," she chokes out, "Effie, you need to come. It's…oh goodness, Effie, it's Sal."

Effie follows in a hurry until they reach the outskirts of the Victor's Village. She can feel Haymitch follow her, asking her things she can't answer. She can see the crowd before her, she can hear the people coming behind her. She pushes her way past people and she sees her father, pale-faced and holding her sister to his chest, shielding her from the sight.

Effie's gasp gets caught in her throat but she manages a strangled shriek as she falls in front of the large tree where Sal's body is swinging in the cold breeze. "No." She mumbles, grasping at the ground, "No. No. No. Sal, please. No."

"Effie!" She hears Haymitch yell and then she feels his arms around her, pulling her to him as she struggles against him. "Effie. Stop. Stop! Effie, I love you. Stop fighting me."

"Don't." She snarls, pushing him away hard enough that he stumbles and falls into the crowd of people. "Don't." Don't love me, she thinks, I'll only get you killed.

She trips over her laces and leans her head against the tree, letting the tears fall. "I should have died." She whispers into the bark as the breeze carries her confession.

(Have you ever heard of the story of the mockingjay? The mockingjays were left for dead but they survived and evolved. One day, you'll find that you survived and you'll be exactly what these Games need.)

That afternoon, she marches into town and finds Maysilee's sister with her friends. Her eyes are wide and she looks so much like Maysilee, it physically pains Effie to look at her. She sees Haymitch in her peripheral vision as she walks up to her.

She stands, fists balled at her sides and Effie almost wishes she would hit her.

"Your sister," Effie chokes out, "wanted me to give you this."

She puts the pin in her hand and Effie doesn't wait for an answer. She doesn't look at everyone staring at them. She doesn't look at Haymitch who looks at her with grey eyes that tell her he won't give up and eyes that proclaim in unspoken words, I love you. I love you. IloveyouIloveyou.

She turns away and walks towards the Victor's Village, head held as high as she can stand and eyes on the large tree on the outskirts of the Victor's Village.

("The Games are war, Effie." Sal tells her on the roof the night before the games. "Do you know how to win a war, Effie?"

Effie shakes her head.

"You fight with fire. You light this entire place aflame and you burn it down because fire catches."

"You want me to set fire to the arena?" Effie asks him.

He shakes his head and stares out at the view underneath him. "No." He says, "When the time comes and you have to be patient but it will come, I want you to set fire to the Capitol.")

When she gets home, she ignores her parents and her sister and grabs the white rose on the kitchen table, a pack of matches and stalks outside, back to the tree and stands underneath it. Sal's body has long since taken down and taken away.

She throws the rose on grass underneath the tree and lights a match, throwing it to the ground and watches as it burns the rose, the grass and as flames lick the tree.

I'll bide my time, Sal, Effie thinks as she stares at the flames, and then I'll burn the Capitol and Snow just for you.

On the train, Effie Trinket awakes with a strangled gasp and Sal's name on her lips.

Then she remembers where she is, who she is. She is not a Victor. She was never a tribute. She was never in a relationship with Haymitch. She wants to laugh until she cries and then she wants to cry until she vomits.

She stumbles into her bathroom, opening her cabinets and pushing her make-up to the side until her fingers grasp a pin and she holds it to her chest, a mockingjay staring back at her.

Are you, are you

Coming to the tree?

They strung up a man,

They say who murdered three.

Strange things did happen here,

No stranger would it be

If we met at midnight in the hanging tree

I hope you all liked it! I've had this idea in my head. Every dream will be an AU. Again, there will be some mistakes and I've taken liberty to change some things and I really hope they don't offend anyone! Thank you so much for sticking with it so far!

MAD LOVE AND RESPECT,