AN: Gaw. What do I keep doing this to myself? Sigh. Honestly? You probably won't understand this fic. It's vague and slightly out of character. Well, maybe not. Who's to say how Dustin would react to this, right? This is just one of those things I wrote because I had to, because it made me feel better. It not exactly happy, and it's mostly just thinking. No dialogue. So. Still, it gave me a sense of peace to write it, and helped me sort out some feelings I have over my Shane. So. Drop a review, if you feel like it.
I Kept The Flowers
They had water ballooned Tori in the 9th grade. They had tricked her into coming over and surprised her. Their idea was to spend some time with her, but she had been furious.
He'd always felt really bad about that.
Of course he'd laughed and brushed it off, but it was one of those things they'd done that always gave him a knot in his stomach.
Then there was that time they'd ditched class and their teacher had called Shane's cell, and Dustin had answered the phone in his best old lady voice. It was the only time they'd ever gotten caught. There were some nights where he still couldn't sleep if he thought about it.
He had a lot of stomach-knotting memories with Shane in them. He had a lot of good ones too, ones that still put a smile on his face no matter the situation he was presently in.
The snowman they had built when they were still in middle school. Everything had seemed so simple then. All that had mattered was that their parents let them stay out in the dark and the freezing cold, building a snow man that was doomed to melt the next morning.
That Chinese fire drill they'd done that day on the way back from Ninja training. Tori had hurt her foot, and hadn't realized it until they were already on the road. So they'd stopped at a light to trade Shane for Tori, and had just barely made it back into the van as the light changed.
He had a lot of memories like that. None of them were all too spectacular, but he supposed it was the little moments that mattered. In the little moments things had felt simple and right. They hadn't been cluttered with other feelings that kept him from enjoying them. It was those happy little memories that comforted him, made him feel like it hadn't all been for nothing.
He could remember hanging upside down on the monkey bars and making faces at each other. He remembered waiting for Tori in the heat when they were locked out of her van, so they'd used Dustin's phone and snapped goofy pictures to pass the time. He remembered blowing bubbles at Tori's graduation party while she greeted her family and friends and left them alone. He remembered visiting Shane in the hospital sophomore year when he'd broken his leg. He remembered countless night falling asleep together on the couch while they watch a movie they'd both seen a hundred times.
He even remembered playing cowboys and Indians when they were just kids.
A part of him wished he could go back and do it all again. But there was another part of him that knew there was a time and a place for that kind of longing, and this wasn't it. This was Dustin's life, and Shane just wasn't a part of it anymore.
Did he miss him? Sure. All the time. Whenever he thought about those memories, the good or the bad, he got an urge to call Shane up and reminisce. He missed the person Shane used to be. The little boy that he'd grown up with. The guy who'd gotten him through high school, ninja training, and being a power ranger. The best friend he'd never thought he'd loose.
And yet here he was, on his own. He had lost Shane, and he hadn't even seen it coming.
There were just some things you couldn't take back, no matter what you wished. Sometimes things got said that just didn't make any sense, but they stung. They hurt, and there was no way to stop them from hurting.
They'd both done things they'd regretted. Said things they shouldn't have. But that didn't change the fact that they had done them, had said them, and there was no going back.
If there was one thing being a ranger had taught him, it was that there was never any going back. You had one shot, and if you blew it… well. There were no second chances.
And even if there were, did he want one? He and Shane had grown up together, been best friends their whole lives. They weren't friends because they had that much in common. They weren't friends because they wanted to be. They were friends because it was convenient.
And they were lovers because it was easy, and it kept them from thinking about the rest of the world.
Belatedly, he wondered when he'd realized that. Staring up at the ceiling now, he couldn't remember when he'd seen the change in Shane. But it had to be before they'd started dating. And maybe he'd attributed the change to the fact that Best Friend Shane and Boyfriend Shane were two totally different people.
Maybe he should have been paying more attention. But would that have done any good? Or would things between them just have ended sooner?
Sighing, Dustin knew that asking these questions was pointless. It wasn't like he hadn't asked them a million times. He still didn't have any answers. He could ask these questions forever, and he would never find the answers.
Like so many things in life, Shane was something Dustin would never find closure over. And he would just have to learn to live with that.
He didn't need Shane. It was a startling realization, but not an unexpected one. Most of his life was made up of things he'd learned from Shane, or done with Shane. Nearly every good memory he had involved Shane. And loosing him had been one of the hardest things he'd ever had to do. But now, only a few months after it had all gone downhill, Dustin wasn't as surprised as he'd thought he'd be to find that he didn't need Shane anymore.
Shane had gotten him through a lot in his life. When his dog had died. When he'd broken up with his first girlfriend. When his parents had separated. Shane had always been there, and looking back now Dustin wasn't sure he could have gotten through those things without him.
He could now though. He was his own person. He wasn't dependant on other people, least of all Shane. He didn't need a lot of things, but that didn't stop him from wanting them.
He didn't need Shane's friendship. But he wanted it. Despite all logical reasoning leading him in the other direction, he still wanted it.
He knew, of course, that it would be a long time before they would call each other friend again, if they ever did. They'd come a long way together, and now they had to go their separate ways.
And as strange as it sounds, Dustin was actually okay with that. Because at the end of all of this, he might finally catch a glimpse of himself. He was no longer defined by anyone's friendships, by his title, by his interests. At long last, he was just Dustin.
Maybe that made all of it worth it. He'd figured out who he was, even if it had meant losing the things that had made him into that person. It didn't justify what he'd done, not by any means. It didn't justify what Shane had done either. But it did help him understand it a little better.
Dustin made his way to the Academy like he did every day, wondering what this new sunrise would bring. He walked onto the grounds confidently, nodding to students and waving at teachers.
This was his life. Just his. No one else's. And that felt good.
He saw him a mile away, but he'd recognize him anywhere. Shane was walking with another air teacher coming down the path. Dustin didn't pause, just continued walking and watching Shane a little warily. He couldn't help the knot that formed in the center of his stomach. He had nothing to be nervous about, but some habits died hard.
Shane caught his eye, but he didn't stop either. Instead, he offered a subdued half smile, and nodded his head ever so slightly.
There was no hostility there. No shadows of the anger they'd once harbored for each other. There was no offer of peace, either. No hint that Shane wanted his friendship back.
It was just a subtle acknowledgment of what had passed between them. What had once been there.
As Dustin walked away, the knot in his stomach subsided. He grinned to himself, took a deep breathe, and kept on walking.
This was his life now, and Shane was no longer a part of it. It made him sad, but at the same time it made him realize that life would go on, just as it had for thousands of years.
And they would both be just fine, together or apart.