A/N:
Okay, I know this isn't about a duel like we had said we were going to write back in the endnote of Episode VI. The truth is, we tried writing it but it just wasn't working out the way we wanted. We had some serious writer's block and some seriously mediocre stuff so, eventually, we decided to move on to another one of our ideas. (That's why it has taken so long for us to post another Episode.)
So, we would like to thank all of our dedicated readers who we have made wait for so long as well as all of our new readers who are giving us a shot.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
We appreciate your support so much and are absolute whores for your reviews so PLEASE REVIEW!
Well, we shall let you begin your reading. But first let us remind you that we do not own Rob Pattinson (although we want to) or any other thing we may have insinuated we own but in reality we do not own. You follow?
Much love,
Constantia & imperial violets
THE CHRONICLES OF CLOSET TWIHARDS: EPISODE VI: THE GREATEST MAN THAT EVER LIVED
Business conventions always made me feel slightly nauseous. There were always too many sleazy old men wearing too much musky cologne hitting on everything with a uterus. Lucky me.
I didn't know why my boss even sent me to these events. I always came back with a pissy attitude and a vendetta against him. He must have enjoyed making me miserable. Sadistic bastard.
Anyway, my absolute, consuming despair as a result of the godforsaken convention is not the real story here. And, I promise, things did get better. Much, much better.
The real story begins when I stumbled into my hotel room Wednesday night. I had just spent approximately 1 886 756 000 hours in a lecture called 'How To: Prepare a Lecture' where the lecturer couldn't open the PowerPoint and brought the wrong cue cards. I was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to lie in my hotel room and watch trashy movies while eating the entire contents of the mini-fridge. I'll admit the conventions did have that one little perk.
I threw myself down onto the bed and buried my head into one of the overstuffed hotel pillows. It was heavenly. I felt as though I could stay there forever when suddenly I realized I couldn't. What I actually needed was to go out onto the balcony for a smoke… with a snack from the mini-fridge.
I stepped out on to the balcony and felt a cool breeze wrap around me. Everything was calm. I hadn't bothered to turn on the light in my room when I came in so I found myself sitting outside in the dark with the noise of city traffic like static in the background.
My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the sound of someone's TV in one of the rooms diagonally across from where I was sitting. They had their lights on, their curtains drawn, and the sliding door wide open so I had a great view of the inside of their hotel room. However, the person inside was out of sight. I felt a little guilty. Like a Peeping Tom. But then I realized that this person had opened their world up to me. I wasn't sitting in a tree with a pair of binoculars.
I recognized the music coming from the other room. It was the music that played while a song loaded on Rock Band. I can't believe some lucky son of a bitch has Rock Band in their room! I'm not sure whether it was jealousy or curiosity that made me stick around. It might have been both.
Then, my night really made a turn for the better. A young guy, clad only in his boxer briefs, came into view and stood facing away from me with a Rock Band microphone in hand. He looked intense and ready to kick some serious Rock Band ass.
I recognized the song right away. The guy had taste.
The Greatest Man That Ever Lived by Weezer.
The song began and he stood with his back to me as he cricked his neck and rolled his shoulders. I could tell he took Rock band seriously as he played out the first few notes on an imaginary piano.
When the siren began he suddenly spun around. His eyes were filled with passion and determination. He was… epic. HOLY SHIT! HE WAS R PATTZ!
My heart skipped about three and a half beats before I could gather my thoughts and my mind burst into super-Twi-mode. I am watching Rob Pattinson… I am watching Rob Pattinson half naked! Suddenly my mind was full of questions: Does this make me a peeping-tom? Should I look away? Is this wrong?... But it feels so right!
Luckily, I snapped back to reality and my morality was put on hold. Rob was strutting towards me and everything else disappeared.
You try to play cool
Like you just don't care
But soon I'll be playin' in your
Underwear
I'm like the mage
With the magic spell
You come like a dog
When I ring yo' bell
His hand… Is he… Omigahd… That is so… hot… Ring my bell… Omigahd… Definitely not an English gentleman!
I got the money
And I got the fame
My eyes were protruding from my head as Rob began to grind his hips in mid-air.
You got the hots
To ride on my plane
You givin' me all
That I desire
'Cos down with me
I'm taking you higher
PLEASE! Take me higher!
I watched as Rob began to do some serious head-banging throughout the next verse. It was enthralling how he would jump up and down as he talked about the girls and did some kind of strange move where he 'air-slapped' someone to mess up their face. Maybe it shouldn't have been such a turn on. But it was.
I'm the baddest of the bad
I'm the best that you've ever had
I'm the tops, I'm the king
All the girls get up when I sing, yeah
I'm the meanest in the place
Step up, I'll mess with your face
I don't care where you are
Look up and follow the star.
In the movies you see RPattz's body. You think you know RPattz's body. Then you see him flex as he points up to the heavens, urging you to follow the star. And you know it was a lie. He is so much better.
Rob completely changed his approach for the next part. His face softened and he had the palm of his right hand raised up, facing upward like an R&B star. He was so gentle.
I, I'm gonna tear down the wall
I may not be here when you call
So best be givin' me your all.
I almost lost sight of Rob as he spun around and jumped up onto his bed. If I wasn't watching Rob so intently I might have stopped to be terrified as I practically hung off the balcony in order to get proper view of him as he marched in place.
After the havoc that I'm gonna wreak
No more words will critics have to speak
I've got the answers to the tangled knot
Sleep tight in your cot.
He threw himself to his knees on the floor in one great leap! God, it's better than payperview! His eyes closed as his sung his heart out, curving his back as though he'd been punched in the stomach when the passion of the song became too much to bear.
Thank you Jesus!
Oh baby,
I've been told I'm goin' crazy.
Oh baby,
I can't be held down.
Oh baby,
Somehow I'm keeping it steady.
Oh baby,
I'm tearing up this town.
As Rob began to run and jump around his room I attempted to join him in the limited balcony space at my disposal. The energy was so high it was euphoric! I love Weezer!
Hey, this is what I like
Cut my heart with a modern spike.
Hey, this is nothing new
I've got more than enough for you.
I hid as best I could behind the small plastic lawn chair on the balcony when Rob threw himself out the opening of the sliding doors and onto the railing of his balcony. Please don't notice me. Please don't stop! Luckily, he did neither. I watched as he put on his X rated show for, what he believed, was an imaginary audience.
I can take on anybody
I can do my thing
I don't wanna hurt nobody
But a bee has gotta string
I'ma fix it if you mix it up (Hoo, hoo) Cue pelvic thrust.
Talk smack, and I'ma gonna shut you up. (Hoo, hoo) God, this guy could put Elvis to shame.
Unfortunately, he headed inside. Fortunately, I still had a great view.
I am the greatest man that ever lived
I was born to give. Rob slowly lowered a fist in a moment of true passion.(I was born to give.)
I am the greatest man that ever lived, oh
Radioactive
This is the moment Rob spoke to me. Well, it felt as though he were speaking to me. How does he do that?
Somebody said all the world's a stage,
And each of us is a player.
That's what I've been tryin to tell you.
In Act 1 I was struggling to survive.
Nobody wanted my action dead or alive.
Act 2, I hit the big time.
And bodies be all up on my behind.
And I can't help myself because I was born to shine.
And if you don't like it, you can shove it.
But you don't like it, you love it.
So I'll be up here in a rage,
'Til they bring the curtain down on the stage.
My heart melted… so did my brain.
I'm the greatest man that ever lived...
Not just anyone can make choral singing that sexy.
I'm the greatest man that ever lived... I am the greatest man that ever lived
I'm the greatest man that ever lived...
I was born to give and give and give.
Oohhhh… I almost blacked out as Rob thrust to the music.
I am the greatest man that ever lived I am the greatest man that ever lived.
Radioa, Dioa, Dioa, Dioactive,
I was born to give
In his finale Rob began to throw himself onto and jump off of all the furniture in his room. He even tore the lamp shade off the lamp on the bedside table and threw it across the room. He eventually calmed down as the song came to an end and plunked himself down onto the bed, obviously pleased with himself.
In a moment of boldness I stood and began to clap and woot as loud as I possibly could, screaming for an encore. In an instant the smile disappeared from his face and he threw himself towards the far wall and hit the lights. Everything was plunged into darkness. RPattz was gone.
I went back inside and a few minutes peaked threw my curtains only to see that the door had been closed and the curtains drawn in what I knew to be Rob's room. Nonetheless, I fell asleep easily and my subconscious filled my head with the most appealing dreams.
Knock knock knock.
"Room service."
I crawled out of bed looking forward to the blueberry pancakes I had ordered for myself. It seemed like the perfect way to proceed a perfect night. A fluffy breakfast covered in real Canadian maple syrup was exactly what I needed.
I opened the door and a small, walrus-like man was looking up at me.
"Your breakfast, ma'am."
"Thank you."
I held the door open as the gentleman pushed the cart into my room.
"Also," he added, "This was outside your door. I took the liberty of picking it up for you."
He handed me a small, white, folded sheet of paper. It was written on the hotel's stationary and, for the life of me, I could not guess who would have left it. Maybe it was the old guy with the pierced ears from the conference that tried to join me in the elevator the night before?
Itching with curiosity I quickly unfolded the paper.
"Have a good day, ma'am." The gentleman said as he left my room.
"I will."
To the girl in Rm917,
Encore tonight 10:00
E/N:
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