Snake felt the vibrations in his ear as someone tried to reach him by
Codec. It was fortunate that it made no noise. That way, should somebody be
nearby, he would avoid detection. Unfortunately once he actually started
talking, people could still hear him. Bizarrely though, no-one had ever
detected him this way. It didn't really matter now though - here at the
burger bar, he only risked being laughed at. And being labelled as a crazy
old man who talked to himself.
Snake: This is Snake.
Otacon: Hey, Snake.
Snake: Otacon? What is it?
Otacon: I have some important information regarding The Patriots. Is this line secure?
Snake: Go ahead Otacon.
Otacon: You know Snake, it really isn't necessary to say my name ever time you say something. I'll just assume that you're addressing me.
Snake: Sure thing.
Otacon: Great, now..
Snake: Oh sorry Otacon, I wasn't talking to you there. A waitress just same over and asked for my phone number and...
Otacon: ANYWAY...
Snake: Sorry. You said you had some important information regarding The Patriots?
Otacon: I've been having a recurring dream.
Snake: Recurring dream?
Otacon: It's about me and Liquid Snake.
Snake: It's about you and Liquid Snake?
Otacon: Snake, this'll go faster if you don't repeat everything I say.
Snake: This'll go faster if... oh right. Go on.
Otacon: Right. So we were standing there talking when all of a sudden Liquid calls me a 'geek'. So I said 'I'm not a geek', and HE says 'Yes you are', and I said 'No I'm not', so he said 'Yes you are', and I said...
Snake: No I'm not?
Otacon: Don't interrupt - I'm the one telling the story here. So I said 'No I'm not' and then he said 'Yes you are', and then I realised there was no way we could be talking to each other at all, because I was actually Metal Gear.
Snake: Er... what? That doesn't make any sense.
Otacon: Sure it does.
Snake: How does that help us with The Patriots?
Otacon: It's quite obvious when you think about it. The dream obviously has a hidden meaning.
Snake: Which is?
Otacon: THE GUYS WHO STOLE MY STEALTH PROTOTYPES ARE IN THERE WITH YOU!!!
Snake: What?
Otacon: Oh no wait, they weren't stolen. I just lost them.
Snake: TELL ME ABOUT THE PATRIOTS.
Otacon: Oh right. The Patriots are building a whole new kind of Metal Gear. And they're building it inside my head!
Snake: What the hell are you talking about?
Otacon: What other meaning could the dream possibly have?
Snake: Otacon, how could they possibly be building a Metal Gear inside your head?
Otacon: It's like in those Alien movies, except instead of an alien it's a metal gear, and instead of bursting out of my stomach it's going to burst out of my head!
Snake: I've told you not to watch scary movies before you go to bed. Hold on a minute, I have another call.
Master Miller: Hello Snake. Um... you don't happen to know where The Patriots are, do you?
Snake: Nice try Liquid. I'm not falling for that one again.
Master Miller (Liquid): Crap!
Snake: Okay Otacon, I'm back.
Otacon: Any ideas on how we should deal with the Metal Gear being built in my head?
Snake: Well, ha ha, maybe you could shoot yourself in the head.
Otacon: S-sure Snake.
Snake: No, Otacon, no! It was just a joke, just a joke.
Otacon: Can I ask you something?
Snake: Is it about Metal Gear being in your head?
Otacon: No.
Snake: Then go ahead.
Otacon: Have you ever gotten the feeling that you've outlived your usefulness?
Snake: No.
Otacon: Really? Don't you feel like you're getting on a bit? Like you can't keep up with the younger generation? I mean, you must be about a hundred years old by now.
Snake: I AM NOT. Oh sorry m'am. I'll keep my voice down.
Otacon: Huh?
Snake: I was talking to someone who works here. And I'll have you know I'm still in my prime. Hang on, I have another call.
Master Miller: Hello Snake. I've heard there's someone out there pretending to be me. I'm the real Master Miller.
Snake: Liquid?
Master Miller (and definitely not Liquid, right?): Yes? I mean, I'm not Liquid.
Snake: Go away you sad little man.
Master Miller (oh, maybe it is Liquid after all): Busted again!
Snake: Back again Otacon.
Otacon: Right. I was talking about outliving your usefulness. Now that Emma is dead and Sniper Wolf is dead... how many more people I care about are left to die?
Snake: Um... me.
Otacon: Oh, uh, yes... you.
Snake: Have you ever thought that suicide might be the answer?
Otacon: Oh yes.
Snake: Really? When?
Otacon: Well, after Meryl died and you were all upset...
Snake: Not the answer for me you idiot. For you.
Otacon: Not really. Well, goodbye Snake.
Snake: What are you going to do now?
Otacon: Well I'm going to get to work on building a version of Metal Gear which has the personality of Goku from Dragonball Z, thus making it a 'good' Metal Gear and with the ability to... er, I mean I'm going to call my girlfriend.
Snake: You don't have a girlfriend.
Otacon: Yes I do.
Snake: What's her name?
Otacon: Er... Dorothy.
Snake: Why don't you call her up right now and let me talk to her then?
Otacon: Um... sure. I'll just call her now on my cell phone.
Snake: I can hear you pressing some keys. Why don't you have her number stored on your cell phone?
Otacon: Because... I love to dial her number so much. Pressing each key is a joy for me. That's how much we love each other.
Snake: Finished?
Otacon: It's ringing.
Otacon in girly voice: Hello Snake. I just want to tell you that I love Otacon so much that I just want to die. He's so good at...
Snake: I know that's still you.
Otacon: Erk!
END COMMUNICATION
Solidus: I apologize on behalf of the author. This story was random, stupid and pointless. In fact, you might say it had no 'substance'. Ha ha ha. See, I am funny. I can't understand why I was refused a part in this fic. Still, at least Raiden never got in either. This fanfiction was brought to you by the letter 'g' for um... giraffe, or something. Now make sure you all campaign to have me included in the next one, because...(continues on like this for all eternity).
Snake: This is Snake.
Otacon: Hey, Snake.
Snake: Otacon? What is it?
Otacon: I have some important information regarding The Patriots. Is this line secure?
Snake: Go ahead Otacon.
Otacon: You know Snake, it really isn't necessary to say my name ever time you say something. I'll just assume that you're addressing me.
Snake: Sure thing.
Otacon: Great, now..
Snake: Oh sorry Otacon, I wasn't talking to you there. A waitress just same over and asked for my phone number and...
Otacon: ANYWAY...
Snake: Sorry. You said you had some important information regarding The Patriots?
Otacon: I've been having a recurring dream.
Snake: Recurring dream?
Otacon: It's about me and Liquid Snake.
Snake: It's about you and Liquid Snake?
Otacon: Snake, this'll go faster if you don't repeat everything I say.
Snake: This'll go faster if... oh right. Go on.
Otacon: Right. So we were standing there talking when all of a sudden Liquid calls me a 'geek'. So I said 'I'm not a geek', and HE says 'Yes you are', and I said 'No I'm not', so he said 'Yes you are', and I said...
Snake: No I'm not?
Otacon: Don't interrupt - I'm the one telling the story here. So I said 'No I'm not' and then he said 'Yes you are', and then I realised there was no way we could be talking to each other at all, because I was actually Metal Gear.
Snake: Er... what? That doesn't make any sense.
Otacon: Sure it does.
Snake: How does that help us with The Patriots?
Otacon: It's quite obvious when you think about it. The dream obviously has a hidden meaning.
Snake: Which is?
Otacon: THE GUYS WHO STOLE MY STEALTH PROTOTYPES ARE IN THERE WITH YOU!!!
Snake: What?
Otacon: Oh no wait, they weren't stolen. I just lost them.
Snake: TELL ME ABOUT THE PATRIOTS.
Otacon: Oh right. The Patriots are building a whole new kind of Metal Gear. And they're building it inside my head!
Snake: What the hell are you talking about?
Otacon: What other meaning could the dream possibly have?
Snake: Otacon, how could they possibly be building a Metal Gear inside your head?
Otacon: It's like in those Alien movies, except instead of an alien it's a metal gear, and instead of bursting out of my stomach it's going to burst out of my head!
Snake: I've told you not to watch scary movies before you go to bed. Hold on a minute, I have another call.
Master Miller: Hello Snake. Um... you don't happen to know where The Patriots are, do you?
Snake: Nice try Liquid. I'm not falling for that one again.
Master Miller (Liquid): Crap!
Snake: Okay Otacon, I'm back.
Otacon: Any ideas on how we should deal with the Metal Gear being built in my head?
Snake: Well, ha ha, maybe you could shoot yourself in the head.
Otacon: S-sure Snake.
Snake: No, Otacon, no! It was just a joke, just a joke.
Otacon: Can I ask you something?
Snake: Is it about Metal Gear being in your head?
Otacon: No.
Snake: Then go ahead.
Otacon: Have you ever gotten the feeling that you've outlived your usefulness?
Snake: No.
Otacon: Really? Don't you feel like you're getting on a bit? Like you can't keep up with the younger generation? I mean, you must be about a hundred years old by now.
Snake: I AM NOT. Oh sorry m'am. I'll keep my voice down.
Otacon: Huh?
Snake: I was talking to someone who works here. And I'll have you know I'm still in my prime. Hang on, I have another call.
Master Miller: Hello Snake. I've heard there's someone out there pretending to be me. I'm the real Master Miller.
Snake: Liquid?
Master Miller (and definitely not Liquid, right?): Yes? I mean, I'm not Liquid.
Snake: Go away you sad little man.
Master Miller (oh, maybe it is Liquid after all): Busted again!
Snake: Back again Otacon.
Otacon: Right. I was talking about outliving your usefulness. Now that Emma is dead and Sniper Wolf is dead... how many more people I care about are left to die?
Snake: Um... me.
Otacon: Oh, uh, yes... you.
Snake: Have you ever thought that suicide might be the answer?
Otacon: Oh yes.
Snake: Really? When?
Otacon: Well, after Meryl died and you were all upset...
Snake: Not the answer for me you idiot. For you.
Otacon: Not really. Well, goodbye Snake.
Snake: What are you going to do now?
Otacon: Well I'm going to get to work on building a version of Metal Gear which has the personality of Goku from Dragonball Z, thus making it a 'good' Metal Gear and with the ability to... er, I mean I'm going to call my girlfriend.
Snake: You don't have a girlfriend.
Otacon: Yes I do.
Snake: What's her name?
Otacon: Er... Dorothy.
Snake: Why don't you call her up right now and let me talk to her then?
Otacon: Um... sure. I'll just call her now on my cell phone.
Snake: I can hear you pressing some keys. Why don't you have her number stored on your cell phone?
Otacon: Because... I love to dial her number so much. Pressing each key is a joy for me. That's how much we love each other.
Snake: Finished?
Otacon: It's ringing.
Otacon in girly voice: Hello Snake. I just want to tell you that I love Otacon so much that I just want to die. He's so good at...
Snake: I know that's still you.
Otacon: Erk!
END COMMUNICATION
Solidus: I apologize on behalf of the author. This story was random, stupid and pointless. In fact, you might say it had no 'substance'. Ha ha ha. See, I am funny. I can't understand why I was refused a part in this fic. Still, at least Raiden never got in either. This fanfiction was brought to you by the letter 'g' for um... giraffe, or something. Now make sure you all campaign to have me included in the next one, because...(continues on like this for all eternity).