No. This can't be happening. I stare at Magnus's retreating figure, too stunned to move. Slowly, shakily, I slide to the ground. My fears are confirmed: Magnus never loved me. He loved someone else, someone called Will. That hated name rings in my mind; Will, Will, Will. WILL is who Magnus loves, not me. He was only with me because I looked like him. And now that I know Magnus has broken up with me.
No. It's not Magnus's fault. It's mine, all mine! I should never have gone to Camille. I should never have even thought of shortening his life!
But I always knew he would break up with me someday, even if all this with Camille hadn't happened. I mean, Magnus was MAGNUS, wonderful, sparkly, incredible Magnus. He could get absolutely anyone he wanted, he could turn a straight man gay with just one wink of his glittery, eye-shadowed, emerald and amber cat pupilled eyes. And I was just... me. Plain, boring, awkward me. Even if what he said was true, even if I WAS beautiful (which I wasn't, despite how many times he said it), would he still love me once my hair turned white, and my blue eyes faded? I think not.
But it needn't have been so soon. I felt hatred spread through me, hatred at Camille. I'm going to kill her. I'm going to kill her.
I don't look back. I don't want him to see that I'm crying. I never thought this would happen, I thought if anything, Alec would be the one to break up with me, realising he could never truly be with me. But then again, I never thought Alec would do this. How could he? It was one thing for ME to contemplate becoming a mortal for Alec, and another thing entirely for him to consider shortening my life. He claims he was only going to tell her no, but do I believe him? He could have said the same thing by just not going to her.
Bubbly anger brews inside me, but not at Alec. I could never be angry at Alec. No, it was Camille I was mad at. It was all her fault. She's the one who dragged me and Alec back from our vacation, she's the one who tempted Alec, she's the one who started this whole thing by bringing up Will Herondale. Dear god, William. I mean, it's not even like I DID love him! I just used him to make Camille jealous... But now Alec thinks I'm only with him because he looks like Will. It's true, Alec does look a bit like Will, with the startlingly white skin, that contrasted beautifully with inky black hair, and those strikingly blue orbs, but the resemblance ends there. Will's features were cold and hard, like a marble statue, his smile confident and sure of himself, but not quite happy. Except when with Tessa or jem, or one he loved; then his eyes become soft and his smile tender, and overall was a lot quieter and more serious.
Alec is completely opposite. Usually, he is serious, uncomfortable looking, and incredibly shy. His features, though angular, are a lot softer, more child-like. And he's so adorable, and so beautiful, even more so because he refuses to believe it. When he's with his sister, he's a lot like Will with Tessa or jem. And then you have him with me. It's like he has an alter ego, one who is confident, comfortable, who's blue orbs glow with true happiness.
I'm more like Will. I may act like nothing fazes me, I throw parties, flirt with strangers, my smirk clearly states: "I am absolutely fabulous and don't I know it", but when I'm with Alec... I am soft, gentle, loving. I would do anything for him. I was never like that with any of my other lovers. Alec is different, someone I can't be without.
But now I am. Without him. And it's killing me, although I was the one who ended things. It was just... I didn't trust him any more. And when you can't trust the one you love most of all, then what are you? Nothing. You are nothing at all.