In case any of you read my long fic, yes, I am still writing for it. I've just gotten a little… distracted.
I got the inspiration for this from the radio. (I love John Mayer, by the way.) I felt the song "Half of My Heart" really worked, and then this basically wrote itself…
I do not own Iron Man. (Or John Mayer.) That would be weird, anyway.
I have to thank my beta again for being so good at beta-ing. :)
Half
Half of Tony Stark was a lost, lonely little boy who was shoved into the unkind world too soon, and never grew up. He never truly understood how things worked; he never tried to understand. He preferred to assume an air of wealth and superiority, thereby escaping the criticism of the world, for his naivety, at least. That half of Tony Stark could be a puppy dog or a sweetheart. He could be gentle and loving, overly sympathetic or passionate. It was this half that he learned to hide as time passed.
And then there was the other half. This half was neither loving nor gentle, sympathetic nor sweet. It was lustful and cold, desiring something to fill the void no amount of love could fill. This half was a vacuum: he sucked his surroundings dry and left a string of women brokenhearted, and friends disappointed. This half liked to wake up hung-over next to unknown blondes. This half took pleasure in being bad. He liked the sound, the image, of being bad.
Yet as time passed, he began to feel disturbed. There can be no joy in a life split between two halves. And yet no matter how hard he tried, the two sides of himself could not be reconciled. Perhaps if he went clubbing, and asked his future bedmate what her name was, it would qualify as generous- yet his gentler side wasn't satisfied. When he tried to please the more gentlemanly half of himself, his predatorily nature was starved for alcohol, sex, and loneliness.
Half wanted to be lonely and self-reliant. And the other half wanted someone, or something, to make him feel better. To make him feel whole.
And then one day, a fiery redhead came into his office- and despite the freckles his shallow side reviled, she satisfied both halves of him.
His softer side thought she was intelligent and charming, sweet and comforting. He wanted to be around her because she made him feel…better.
His other side wanted to be around her more too, though in order to find an opportunity to get into her pencil skirt. He found her to be attractive, and it took maddening restraint to hold back his desire for his "Pepper." Because this time, the hurt and needy part of him won out. He settled for friendship, sideways glances, and his slightly twisted imagination satisfied his want for her. For once, he was willing to have someone there for him- not like Rhodey or Obadiah- but a woman, who could give him the comfort he needed. He didn't feel so lonely.
But time passed, and things changed, and for some reason, his friend fell in love with him. She actually fell in love with him. And he couldn't figure out why. His more animalistic side had begun to take dominance over the years; he had abused and ignored her, and yet she was in love with him.
His better half had also begun to love her, and he couldn't believe it. He, Tony Stark, was in love with his personal assistant. That couldn't be possible. He wasn't the "falling in love" type. And he truly wasn't. Because he wasn't in love with her- only one half of him was.
Should he risk it? Should he put their ten year long friendship and working compatibility on the line because a part of him had suddenly grown emotional? Was it worth it? Did he love her enough- with only one half of his heart? He thought he did, but he couldn't help but wonder: did Pepper deserve more than half? Did she deserve all of him? He knew she did, but he couldn't give it to her. It was impossible. Half of him was too long gone to be changed now. Half was the best she'd ever get. And was satisfying that half of himself worth emotional entanglement?
But he took the chance, risked the plunge. That one half of his heart made all his decisions because it was sick off love- drunk from how good it felt. He couldn't understand why he'd never opened his heart up before- he scorned the lonesome part of himself.
Yet love is not easy or pleasant, and the pain and misunderstanding that naturally occurs with it became too much- too tiresome and demanding, and slowly, Tony retreated into the emotional armor he'd forged over so many years. And there, that long abandoned cynicism was waiting for him- waiting to devour the passionate side of himself that had begun to emerge.
Pepper didn't understand; she couldn't understand. She was whole- she knew who she was, and what her limits were. Tony had yet to figure out how to piece himself together- or how to dissolve one half of himself entirely.
He missed the anonymity and low expectation, the pain free, numb, and lonely existence he'd led before this fiery creature fell into his world and threw everything upside down. That tiny, disappearing half of himself kept crying out, that Tony could change himself yet. He could become a better man. A complete man.
But his reckless half was already too strong, and smothered its opponent. He now had one heart, though it was half the size it once was. There was no more battle within his chest. He knew who he was. And this new identity he made for himself didn't need companionship, sympathy, generosity, or Pepper, for that matter. He only needed himself.
And for the first time in a long time, Tony Stark was able to relax and breathe deeply. He was finally happy- in his own miserable, lonely, wretched way.
He was happy.
Ta daa! What did you think? I know it wasn't particularly happy, but I felt we needed more emo stuff. Plus, I've never really felt his character was one who could be happy settling down and so forth. I wanted to take a more cynical, realistic look.
Hope you enjoyed! Please leave a review. They make me happy.