When I Have Fears
Rating: M
This story contains graphic descriptions of consensual F/F sex. If that offends you then look elsewhere.
Summary:
A patient case causes Callie to go all clingy and ahhhh! Erica does her best to help. This is my angle on the whole 'gay panic' situation but without any gross 'lessons' from Mark. No leaves, no running away, no Sadie, definitely no Arizona. Stevens got fired because she's just annoying. This is set pretty early in their relationship, maybe around 5.10/11.
Disclaimer:
All publicly recognizable characters, settings etc. are the property of their respective owners.
AN:
So, if anyone is waiting for So Sudden then I offer you this one shot to tide you over until I get my arse in gear. It will hopefully be done...god knows when but it WILL be done, I promise. Merry Christmas Callica fans, hope it's groovy!
'Jacob Calvin, 68, fell down the stairs at his home. Possible fracture of the left ankle and pelvis. Pulse is 100, BP 140/90.'
'Okay,' Callie said briskly, acknowledging the paramedic with a brief nod. 'Let's get him into Trauma 2.'
Noticing the pretty thirty something woman holding the patient's hand she gestured in the direction of the waiting room.
'You can wait for your father over there; someone will come and update you as soon as we know more. Linda, can you show her?' she asked a nearby nurse distractedly, already zoning out the outside world to focus entirely on the patient's injuries.
'He's my husband,' came the cold reply. 'And I'm not going anywhere.'
Callie felt herself blush with embarrassment as the two unfortunately juvenile interns also assigned to the case raised incredulous eyebrows at each other.
'I'm sorry,' she apologized quickly. 'But I'm still going to have to ask you to-'
'I want to stay with him,' the woman insisted doggedly.
'Honey,' the man said in a strained voice, reaching out to pat her hand. 'It's okay, really. I'll be fine.'
'But I want to-'
'Don't upset yourself; it's bad for the baby.'
Out of the corner of her eye Callie caught the interns' gleeful smirks at his last comment. She'd just charitably decided to give them one more chance to grow the hell up when one of them mouthed 'How?' which sent both of them into uncontrollable giggles.
'You two, get out of here,' she snapped harshly. 'Tell the nurse at the desk to page someone who is actually interested in furthering their medical education. I'll talk to you later,' she added ominously as they both slinked away, looking unnervingly like petulant teenagers.
'Sorry about them,' she addressed both of them, gathering equipment she needed for the initial exam. 'They'll be reprimanded.'
'We're used to it,' the woman muttered, hurt and embarrassment evident on her face despite her flippant statement.
'Family members can't be in this area,' Callie reminded her gently. 'But I promise I will come and update you personally when I can.'
'Okay,' the woman said reluctantly. 'I'll be right outside, sweetie,' she told her husband lovingly.
Callie considered herself extremely open-minded, hell it wasn't as if she was in any position to judge, but for some reason she found herself looking away awkwardly when the woman leaned over to kiss her husband chastely on the lips. It just looked…wrong, she judged instinctively before she angrily told herself to snap out of it.
Alone with the patient she smiled kindly at him.
'I'll get you something for the pain as soon as I can,' she promised him, fully aware of the agony he must be in.
'I would appreciate that,' he admitted.
'I'll bet,' Callie agreed and began to examine him, being as quick and gentle as she could.
'Okay, Mr Calvin,' she said a few minutes later. 'I'm going to order some x-rays but I'll go ahead and say that your pelvis is definitely fractured and probably your ankle too. I think it's likely you'll need surgery and some physical therapy.'
'How long before I can be back on my feet?' he asked with obviously false optimism. 'A few days? Can you set me up with one of those walking casts? My friend-'
'Let's wait for the x-rays,' Callie said before he got carried away. She couldn't quite bring herself to tell him that recovery was probably going to be a case of months rather than days or weeks. Hard months too.
'Of course,' he sighed.
'So, Dr. Montan here is going to take you to Radiology,' she said, signaling to the new intern that had just arrived. 'I'm going to talk to your wife and I'll see you when the films are ready.'
'Thank you,' he said gratefully. 'I know you probably don't have time to do that.'
'It's no problem. I'm happy to do it.'
'I'm afraid I scared her. She worries about me, you know. More than she should. Such a stupid mistake, should have been looking where I was going…' he trailed off and Callie put a sympathetic hand on his shoulder.
'Just try and relax, okay? How are the drugs working out? Are you comfortable?'
'Yes,' he said quietly. 'Thank you, yes.'
'Alright, I'll see you soon,' she promised.
Entering the waiting room she saw the wife slumped miserably in a chair.
'Mrs. Calvin?' she said gently.
Her head snapped up and she quickly tried to erase the evidence that she'd been crying, scrubbing at her face ineffectually with her hands.
Callie produced a clean tissue from the pocket of her lab coat and handed it over silently.
'Thank you, Dr., um…' she squinted at Callie's ID badge.
'Torres,' Callie provided, sitting down next to her. 'Callie Torres.'
'Laura,' she offered tiredly.
'Doing okay?' Callie asked delicately.
'I'm fine,' Laura said dismissively, waving away Callie's concern. 'Jacob?'
'His pelvis is broken, most likely his ankle too and I think he'll need surgery but with some physical therapy I'm sure he'll make a full recovery,' Callie said, trying to soften the blow as much as she could.
'So he's not going to be…mobile for a while?'
'No,' Callie said carefully. 'I can get you some information about home help, making your house accessible-'
'I can do it,' Laura jumped in defensively. 'I can look after him. I want to.'
'Of course,' Callie agreed quickly. 'I'm sure your husband wants you to take it easy though.'
That comment, though nothing more than an attempt to lighten the mood, only made Laura start crying again.
'Sorry,' she sobbed. 'I know this is nothing really. It could have been so much worse and he'll get better but it's just that I thought that something good had finally happened and now this…'
'Is there someone you can call?' Callie asked. 'To come and be with you? Your parents? A friend?'
'No,' Laura said shortly. 'There's no-one.'
Callie could guess at the backstory that she wasn't telling but couldn't think of anything comforting to say.
'Jacob should be admitted soon,' was the best she could do. 'Once he's in a patient room you can be with him, I'll have someone let you know.'
'Thanks,' she said flatly.
Callie squeezed her hand and left, for some reason feeling she had no right to accept thanks from either Laura or Jacob.
The x-rays quickly confirmed that surgery was necessary and Callie scrubbed in a little over two hours later. It was a fairly uncomplicated repair but she couldn't conjure up her usual satisfaction at a job well done. She entered the surgical waiting room a short time afterwards, still wearing her gown and scrub cap, trying desperately to shake off the black cloud that had been following her around since Jacob had entered the hospital.
Laura was no longer alone; she noted with relief as she approached her, the older woman she was talking to was presumably her mother.
Any happiness that she felt about Laura having someone to support her quickly dissolved as she got closer however, when she discovered that the two women were in the middle of a furious whispered fight.
'-nothing's changed then why are you here?' she caught before either woman noticed her.
'I didn't come here to fight. I just-' Both of them stopped abruptly as Callie awkwardly cleared her throat.
'Sorry to uh… interrupt. Laura, I just scrubbed out of Jacob's surgery and everything looks good. The repair went very smoothly and they're just moving him to recovery now. I'll arrange a physical therapist referral and I think he should be able to go home in a few days.'
'Can I see him?' Laura asked anxiously.
'Sure. I'll check in later, okay?'
'Thank you, Dr. Torres,' Laura said genuinely, reaching over to shake her hand.
'No problem.'
Laura's mother touched her elbow hesitantly.
'Laura, can I-'
'I have to go,' Laura snapped, not even looking her mother in the eye before she strode off.
'Laura!' her mother said desperately but she didn't even slow down. Callie hovered uncertainly as the older woman sighed and put her hand to her forehead in frustration. For some reason she couldn't bring herself to leave even though every logical thought in her head said it was the right thing to do.
'I suppose you think I'm a terrible mother,' Callie heard as they both watched Laura's retreating figure.
'I don't-' Callie began, trying to find something unlikeable about her. She looked so maternal and…nice. Someone who begged their kids to come over so she could spoil them. Someone who'd be thrilled to have a grandchild. Actually, she reminded her a lot of George's mother, she realized.
'Maybe I am,' she sighed before Callie could finish. 'I wouldn't even have heard about any of this if one of my friends hadn't seen the ambulance outside their house. Laura used to tell me everything, now…I don't know anything about her life. She won't even call me in an emergency.'
'You and Laura are estranged?' Callie asked to confirm her suspicions, getting involved against her better judgment. 'Because of…her husband?'
'I know,' the woman said resignedly. 'I know how awful it is. What kind of a person this makes me. It keeps me awake at night when I think about how abandoned she must feel.'
'Then don't abandon her,' Callie said bluntly, unable to stop herself despite knowing she was sailing dangerously close to the line. 'Say you're sorry. Support her.'
'I want to,' she said miserably. 'I tried to at first, I wanted to be happy for her so much but I just…couldn't be. She says that they're in love, that's he's wonderful to her and maybe that's true but…'
'But?' Callie questioned.
'He's twice her age. Older than me and her father, most people think she's his daughter and maybe that might even be funny except his actual daughter is six years older than her. People stare at them when they go out together; everyone must think he's some kind of…pervert, so most of the time they have to shut themselves away and hide. She doesn't see her friends anymore because they all think she's crazy. Her whole life revolves around an old man. When I think about that it makes me want to cry.'
'But if that's what she wants, if she's-'
'Happy? She keeps saying that she is but how can she be? When she's wasting the best years of her life? And now this baby- I've been waiting for a grandchild for years, but how is he going to be a father? How is he going to get up in the middle of the night or run after them? His own child is going to be embarrassed of him for however long he lives and how long is that even going to be? Is it even fair to bring a child into the world knowing that you might not even be around long enough to see them grow up? When that child hasn't even got a hope of being normal?'
Callie stood frozen, completely stunned into silence by her tirade.
'This isn't what I want for her. Ever since she was a little girl I just wanted her to find someone who could make her happy. But it's not him,' she said emphatically. 'She can't be happy when her life is this hard, when she has to give up everyone and everything that's important to her. And I can't be happy that she's condemning herself to being a nurse for someone who should have the decency to let her go. I can't pretend to accept this…sham of a relationship when I pray every day that she's going to call me and tell me that she's left him. I just can't.'
She stopped, breathing hard. Tears were running down her face but all Callie wanted to do was run from her open disgust and revulsion.
'I…I have to go,' she stammered out and practically bolted for the double doors at the other end of the room. She didn't break pace until she found herself in a staff only area where the woman couldn't follow. It was an unoccupied x-ray viewing room and Callie stood in the dark for several seconds, trying to calm the storm of emotions and turmoil churning inside her from the encounter. It had been so unnerving, to discover that such a seemingly kind and loving woman was carrying around such bitter resentment that Callie felt her hands shaking a little.
She heard the door open and was about to unceremoniously tell the intruder to get out when she realized who it was.
'Hey,' Erica's voice was a strange combination of comforting and unsettling. 'I thought I saw you come in here.' She looked around the room confusedly. 'No films?'
'No, uh, I just needed some uh, some quiet. To think. It's crazy out there,' her voice sounded weird and fake even to herself.
'Are you okay?' Callie jumped a little when she felt Erica's fingers tentatively try to lace with hers and pulled away. She had no idea why.
'I'm fine.'
'Was there a problem with your surgery? I saw you were doing a pretty standard repair.'
'No, it went great. Perfectly really.'
Callie was caught between an almost overwhelming instinct to tell Erica everything about what just happened and let her comfort her and an equally strong wish to get the hell away from her. She told herself that it was because of Erica's strict rules about PDAs at work but she knew it wasn't true. While Erica was unfailingly professional she wouldn't deny Callie a hug when they were alone and she was clearly upset.
'Oh. Well, good.'
'Yeah.'
They stood in silence for a few seconds, Callie's anxiety and Erica's concern filling the small room until it felt difficult to breathe.
'So, what time can I pick you up tonight?' Erica asked eventually, hoping to steer the conversation somewhere more happy.
Callie had completely forgotten about their date that night. They hadn't really seen each other for the last three days so until this morning she'd been looking forward to it. She wasn't anymore which made her confused as hell but there it was.
'Actually,' she said nervously. 'Can I take a rain check? I'm really tired.'
'Okay,' Erica said after a pause. 'Of course. Do you want to come over to my place instead? We could order in dinner? Rent a movie?'
'I think I need some time to myself,' Callie said, unconvincingly. She hated herself for how cold she sounded but somehow she couldn't help it.
'Sure, I understand.' She didn't even sound hurt, just confused and worried, which was worse in a way than Erica being pissed off with her. 'Call me if you want to talk.'
Callie opened her mouth as Erica disappeared back into the corridor to say something- Come back? I'm sorry? I need you?- but nothing came out.
'Hey, get a drink with me tonight?'
Mark looked up, surprised at Callie's question.
'I thought you were jumping Hahn's bones tonight. Sorry,' he quickly added at Callie's irritated eye roll. ' "Going out to dinner" '
'Change of plan,' Callie said shortly.
'You okay?' He asked uncertainly, noticing her tense body language and distracted expression.
'I'm fine,' she said in what was possibly the least convincing performance since the rain amnesia in Four Weddings. 'So, are you free?'
'Sure, I finish at seven.'
'I'll meet you at Joe's,' she practically snapped at him and then disappeared in the direction of the ICU.
When he slid onto the stool beside hers two hours later there were already three empty shot glasses lined up in front of her.
'You've been spending way too much time with Yang,' he scolded her as he signaled to the bartender. 'A beer please and uh, what is that? Tequila? Sambuca?'
'Vodka.' Callie said almost proudly, obviously well on her way to tipsy.
'Maybe a little tonic this time too?' He suggested mildly.
'Whatever,' she said dismissively.
'Vodka tonic,' he told the bartender, looking her over as she stared at the sticky surface of the bar.
'Going to tell me what's wrong?' He asked bluntly when they both had their drinks.
'Nothing.'
'Why'd you blow off Hahn? And don't give me some crap about wanting to spend time with me, I can tell when I'm a distant second choice, you know,' he said good-naturedly when she opened her mouth to respond.
'Sorry,' she muttered.
'It's fine. Answer the question.'
'I don't know,' she admitted miserably. 'Or maybe I do know but it wasn't really anything to do with her, except it was. In a way. Symbolically. Possibly. I don't know,' she repeated.
'Oh-kay,' Mark said slowly, sipping at his beer thoughtfully. 'That-'
'-didn't make a lot of sense,' she agreed. 'Right there with you.'
'Did you guys have a fight?'
'No.'
'Did she piss you off? Do you need to have a fight with her?'
'No!'
'Really? Not even a pillow fight in your underwear?'
'Mark,' she sighed.
'Sorry. So, you're sitting in here with me instead of well on your way to hot sex,' he said, checking his watch theatrically. 'Inhaling hard liquor with your sad puppy face on because everything's, what, perfect?'
'It is perfect!' She exclaimed defensively. 'Okay fine, not perfect because you know, real life, but pretty close. She's…she's great. She's my best friend, the sex is amazing…'
'Feel free to elaborate,' Mark said hopefully, grinning wolfishly.
'She'd kill me.'
'Oh come on, nothing?'
'Mark!'
'Fine, fine. Just let me know, nod or blink twice for yes or something, she's an artist between the sheets right? All intense and raw?'
'Mark…' Callie couldn't help but giggle at his predictability.
'Oh yeah, two blinks. I knew it,' he said wistfully. 'There's something about the quiet ones…'
Callie nodded quietly in agreement.
'But?' he prompted gently.
'Do people talk about us? Me and Erica?' She asked, running her finger around the rim of her glass nervously.
'What do you mean?'
'I mean, what do people think about us? Do they…'
'Approve?' Mark guessed, raising an inquisitive eyebrow.
'No! Yes? Maybe.'
'Well, the fact that Hahn's occasionally been cracking a smile recently has been commented on.'
'In a good way?'
'I think most people are too scared of her to do any serious gossiping.'
'People don't think it's weird or…or…'
'What?'
Callie shook her head, unable to continue.
'Nothing.'
'Look,' Mark said carefully. 'I don't know where this has come from but if you're having doubts…are you having doubts?'
'I…maybe,' Callie said, clearly upset.
'Well, that's fine but if you are then it should be about how you feel, not about anyone else and what they may or may not think.'
'I know,' she sighed frustratedly.
'If it makes you feel better I heard way more people taking bets on how long your marriage would last than judging you and Hahn.'
'Thanks,' she said sarcastically.
'No problem,' he said cheerfully. 'Now, I'm calling you a cab so you can go and talk to the person that you should actually be talking to about this,' he told her, pulling out his cellphone from his jacket.
'What? Mark no, I can't,' she protested, feeling sick at the thought of telling Erica any of this.
'No, you're right. Avoiding her and brooding alone is definitely the way forward.'
'Oh, shut up!' She groaned mock seriously. 'Since when did you get so mature?'
'I'm growing, remember?' He reminded her. 'And besides, I kind of…met someone.'
'What?!' Callie exclaimed, wide eyed with excitement. 'Oh my god, tell me!'
'Can't right now. You have to go be an adult.'
'Oh come on, give me something at least!'
'No! You're going to follow my lead Torres, along the road to wisdom and maturity! Now finish your drink, I'm dialing.'
Callie stood in front of Erica's house, feeling depressingly sober. How was she going to tell her even a little bit of what was running through her mind without sounding like a giant bitch? Hey Erica ,you're great and all, but if you could just change yourself completely to accommodate my paranoia and issues then you'd be perfect?
Yeah, giant bitch.
Seeing as she had no car to escape in and the curtain twitching old ladies would probably call the police if she loitered for any longer, she rang the doorbell, heart thundering in her chest as she heard Erica's footsteps.
'Callie,' a smile broke over Erica's face when she saw her. It was understated, like everything she did, but obviously genuine. She was always happy to see her, Callie realized. 'You changed your mind.'
'Yeah, um, I probably should have called,' Callie said nervously.
'What? It's fine, come in,' Erica said quickly, frowning in concern at Callie's obvious discomfort.
Callie stepped into the hall and let Erica close the door behind her, wondering how the hell she was going to even begin talking about today and all the panic it had stirred up. Maybe Mark was wrong, maybe she should just try and forget about it. She might not feel so freaked out in a few days. Erica's hand ghosted over her hip tentatively and Callie couldn't help but lean into her embrace for a second, prompting Erica to brush a gentle kiss against her cheek. It felt good, Callie couldn't help but admit, it felt great, to finally be able to just be with Erica. She'd fantasized about it for months after all and so far Erica had more than lived up to expectations. Yet somehow today had spoiled it.…forever? Callie wondered anxiously as she followed Erica into the living room.
'Are you hungry?' Erica asked. 'I didn't eat yet so we could…Callie?' She questioned quietly when she turned around and was confronted with Callie standing in the middle of the room, looking like a frightened animal about to bolt. 'What's wrong?'
'I have to talk to you and I think that afterwards you're not exactly going to want to share a meal with me.'
Understanding suddenly dawned on Erica's face.
'Oh,' she said flatly. 'You want to end it.'
'No,' Callie countered instinctively. 'No, that's not what I want. I just…I don't know how-'
'Look, spare me the pleasantries,' Erica interrupted coldly, holding her hand up to stop Callie's rambling. 'Just say it.'
Callie tried desperately to hold back the tears that she could feel threatening. She'd seen Erica's Ice Queen side turned on other people but had never been on the receiving end before. God, it felt horrible.
'That's not why…I swear, it's not…I didn't…' she choked out, the stresses of the day finally overwhelming her as she burst into tears.
Erica's face fell, anger vanishing as Callie fell to pieces in front of her. Silently she cursed herself for lashing out when Callie was clearly not herself.
'Hey,' she said softly, taking Callie's hands and pulling her down to sit on the couch. 'I'm sorry; I didn't mean to make you cry.'
'You…you didn't,' Callie denied. 'Well, maybe a little bit but all this other crap has been in my head all day and it won't go away and I just can't…I don't…'
'Cal,' Erica said gently, passing her a tissue from the box on the coffee table. 'Just tell me what's wrong. That's why you came here, right? To talk?'
Callie smiled slightly as she attempted to get herself under control.
'I like it when you call me "Cal"'
Erica blushed and looked away.
'Okay. Good?'
'I like everything about you,' she proclaimed tearfully.
'Callie…'
'I need to tell you some stuff and I really really don't want you to hate me…'
Erica's head shot up in surprise.
'What? Hate you? Callie-'
'…because I care about you a lot and the last thing I want to do is hurt you…' Callie continued, oblivious.
'Callie,' Erica said firmly, cutting off her nonsensical babbling. 'I don't really have any idea what you're talking about but if it makes you feel any better then I really don't think I have it in me to hate you.'
'No?' Callie scoffed.
'No. Callie, I…I love you,' she confessed, looking so vulnerable and genuine that Callie started crying all over again.
'You…really?' Callie stammered in shock.
'Yes,' Erica admitted, sighing with resignation. 'Of course I do.'
'I-'
'No,' Erica stopped her quickly. 'You don't have to say anything.'
'But-'
'I said it because it's true Cal, not because I want anything in return.'
'You love me,' Callie repeated, voice trembling with emotion.
'Yes. So tell me, I won't hate you.'
Callie stared at her hands.
'I don't know where to start,' she sighed, feeling completely at a loss.
'Just tell me what you're feeling.'
Closing her eyes, Callie blurted out the first clear thought that appeared in her whirling mind.
'Scared.'
'Okay,' Erica said softly. 'What of?'
'I just stopped being the hospital joke.'
'What do you mean- the hospital joke?'
'Well,' Callie began sardonically. 'There was the peeing naked in front of Grey and Stevens, living in the basement, getting caught dancing in my underwear in the basement by the Chief, marrying George in Vegas after 0.3 seconds of dating, getting cheated on after 0.3 seconds of marriage, getting fired from Chief Resident, being the billionth notch on Mark's bedpost…are you getting the picture?'
'You had a bad year, fine.' Erica said dismissively.
'Okay, let's go with that,' Callie said gratefully. 'Anyway, I finally clawed back a modicum of respect and…normality and now….' She stood up and began to pace, feeling too guilty to finish her sentence.
'Now, you're with me,' Erica finally caught on.
'You're great,' Callie said desperately. 'And you treat me so well and God knows, I'm happy but…you're a woman!'
'Yes.'
'I'm a woman!'
'Yes.'
'We're together and that's clearly you know, gay, but I'm not gay. I mean I'm gay for you but I'm not gay gay.'
'Well, fine,' Erica stated matter of factly, patiently watching her practically wear a hole in the carpet.
'Fine? Fine? So I'll just sleep with anything that breathes?'
'Uh…I hope not.'
'Shouldn't I be one or the other? Isn't it just you know, greedy? Why can't I just...choose. You have!'
'Maybe you're bisexual,' Erica suggested logically.
'Does that even exist?' Callie asked, pulling a face.
'Evidently, it does.'
'I'm… afraid to tell my parents about us,' Callie continued shamefacedly.
'You think they'll have a problem with us?' Erica asked carefully.
'I don't know, maybe. And even if they don't disown me they'll never take us seriously, they'll just think that you're one more stupid decision that they'll have to rescue me from a few years down the line. I can just see them looking at each other- "oh, Callie's messed up yet again."'
'You don't have to tell them yet,' Erica reminded her. 'And maybe they'll surprise you.'
'Maybe.
She couldn't find the words to explain to Erica that even if miraculously, somewhere down the line her parents came to accept their relationship- and frankly 'accept' was the best it was ever going to get- she just couldn't face the immediate upset and fallout that telling them about Erica was going to cause.
'Is it just about them?'
'I don't want people to stare if I hold your hand in public.'
'Hold my hand? Are we giggling adolescents now?'
'Oh, that is so not-'
'And how do you know people would stare? Or that they'd even be looking at us?'
'I…I don't know,' Callie admitted sullenly.
'Honestly Cal, in my experience, people are too wrapped up in their own boring thoughts and lives to care too much about whether the women sitting at the next table are friends or sinful homosexuals.'
'I know that,' Callie muttered just as sullenly.
'So let's not worry about that, okay?'
'Doesn't it bother you,' Callie asked disbelievingly. 'That the nurse passing you your surgical instruments might be thinking-'
'You can't control people's thoughts, Cal, much as I'd like to jump in sometimes and make my patients put down the damn heavy cream and reach for an apple,' Erica interrupted immediately, shaking her head. 'Obsessing over it won't help.'
'What if we can't ever get married? Or…or they won't let me make medical decisions for you? Or-'
'Okay,' Erica said, a little shell shocked. 'One, this isn't a bad TV movie. We can appoint each other as medical proxies if we want- the same as anyone else. As for marriage…I think we can agree that's not an immediate concern.'
'Okay, fine but-'
'Really Callie, if you're not a lesbian then you need to at least stop feeding cliches about U-hauls.'
'Well, aren't you rational?' Callie asked sarcastically, sinking back onto the sofa. Maybe she was getting ahead of herself.
'A lot of therapy time, remember?' Erica reminded her with a small smile.
'Oh. Yeah, right. That really helped, huh?'
'It did.'
'Do you think I should go?'
'I think…' Erica said delicately, running her hand up and down Callie's forearm. 'I think it sounds like a lot of these fears about what other people think of you are actually more to do with what you think of yourself.'
Callie stared at her in complete shock.
'Wow. They really did a number on you, huh?'
'I didn't mean to-' Erica began hastily.
'Do you really not care what other people think?' Callie asked with genuine curiosity. 'Because I know that's what everyone says but really…I mean everyone wants to be liked, right?'
Erica couldn't help but laugh.
'I think the fact that I'm gay is probably pretty low down on the list of reasons why people don't like me.'
'People like you,' Callie countered. 'Okay, maybe they don't know you so well,' she clarified at Erica's raised eyebrow. 'But they respect you, they think you're fair and polite and good with the patients.'
'You know who people like?' Erica asked rhetorically. 'You. No one has anything bad to say about you.'
'What, even now I'm sleeping with my boss?' Callie mumbled, pulling at a thread from her shirt so that she could avoid making eye contact.
'Well, people didn't like you any less when you were banging Sloan. Sorry,' she added quickly when she heard how harsh her words had sounded.
'It's okay,' Callie said amusedly. 'But you're okay with it? Because you were pretty hard on Yang for being with Burke.'
'I guess it's a little hypocritical,' Erica admitted uncomfortably. 'It's not an ideal situation but we don't have the same specialty, I'm not your supervisor, I don't favor you in any way…I can live with it. Besides, it's not for long anyway- you'll be an attending in a few months.'
'Right,' Callie sighed, suddenly remembering another potential problem. 'If I pass my boards-'
'When.'
'Fine, when,' Callie conceded. 'What if I move hospitals? What if you're here and I'm in Boston or New York or Texas? What do we do then? Move together? Because that seems soon. Or try and make it work long distance? Because that-'
'Do you want to move?' Erica asked reasonably.
'Well, no,' Callie acknowledged. 'The program here is great. But what if I don't get an attending spot?'
'Callie,' Erica said firmly. 'You'll get one, trust me. You have so much talent; they'd be crazy to turn you down.'
'But if they do-'
'Then we'll figure out what's best at the time.'
'Easy to say now,' Callie muttered, not really feeling that her question had actually been answered.
'I don't want you to move,' Erica said softly. 'Of course I don't. But we can go round and round about this and the likelihood is that it won't even be a problem.'
'As long as you're not desperate to get me out of the state,' Callie said lightly, acknowledging the truth of what Erica said.
Erica smiled, relieved that the mood seemed to be turning, when Callie abruptly looked away again.
'Callie? What?'
'I'm thirty three.'
'Oh come on!' Erica scoffed disbelievingly. 'I'm not that much older than you. And what about Grey and Shepherd? Sloan and-'
'No,' Callie interrupted quickly. 'I wasn't talking about…okay,' she sighed. 'This is way premature I know and don't run but…'
'But?'
'There's a clock inside me and everyday it ticks a little louder and-'
'A clock? Like a bomb?'
'What? No! My clock!' Callie repeated frustratedly. 'My biological clock that makes me spend a not insignificant amount of time thinking about warm, smushy babies and somehow I don't think that you're the kind of person who-'
'Wait, smushy? What does that even mean?'
'You know,' Callie said distractedly, gesturing vaguely with her hands. 'Smushy! You can…smush them.'
'Like crush them?' Erica guessed from Callie's description, brow furrowed in confusion.
'No! You can just… hug them really tight because they're all cute and fat.'
'Until they can't breathe?'
'No,' Callie sighed. 'And, anyway, you're just avoiding the question.'
It was Erica's turn to stare anywhere except at Callie, this time at a speck of dust on the television.
'You haven't asked me a question.'
'Do you want children?' Callie said clearly, figuring she might as well lay all her cards on the table. 'Because I want two or maybe three. Two,' she backtracked when Erica's eyes widened almost comically. 'Two would be okay. And I don't want them tomorrow but I don't want to wait too long either. So…'
She let the end of her sentence hang in the air and Erica didn't answer immediately. Callie was beginning to get worried when Erica finally spoke.
'I don't know.'
'Okay.' Callie said neutrally, feeling strangely relieved that Erica had been honest with her instead of just telling her what she wanted to hear.
'I've never wanted a child before. I certainly don't want to have a child.'
'Okay,' Callie repeated calmly.
'The truth is…I don't know. I'm open to thinking about it, that's all I have right now.'
'Thank you,' Callie said gently, leaning forward to kiss her cheek. Surprised, Erica turned back to her.
'Thank you?'
'For being honest and listening to my crazy freak out.' Mentally recapping what she'd brought up since she'd arrived at Erica's house she blushed violently. Moving in together, marriage, babies..plural. 'God, sorry, that was a lot.'
'Well…yes.' Erica agreed, looking a little stunned.
'Oh God, I'm sorry!' Callie groaned. 'This is what I do- I get all ahhh, then-'
'You get all clingy,' Erica finished for her, smiling. 'You told me already.'
'Right, of course,' Callie remembered, still embarrassed. 'At least I warned you?'
'Do you feel better?' Erica asked. 'Is there anything else you need to ah…discuss?'
'I'm good,' Callie reassured her, noticing Erica's fleeting look of relief. 'I overthink things, I know and uh, I'm probably going to keep doing that but the logic was useful. And maybe a whole lot of therapy time wouldn't be a bad thing.'
'Maybe.'
'Yeah, I'll look into that,' Callie promised.
'Are you happy?' Erica asked after a short pause. 'Apart from the overthinking and ahhh? Apart from that, are you happy?'
'Yes,' Callie said emphatically. 'I understand why my behavior would lead you to think the opposite,' she conceded. 'Actually it probably led you to think I belong in an institution but anyway, I am. Very happy. Giddy, even. You make me giddy,' she told her, finally giving in to what she'd wanted to do since Erica had opened her front door and kissing her.
'This is the clingy part,' Callie informed her when they broke apart, only for her to bury her face in Erica's neck.
'Okay,' Erica laughed, reaching up to stroke her hair. 'Movie?
'Yeah,' Callie sighed contentedly. 'Movie.'
'So, you danced for Webber?'
Callie paused halfway through pulling on the t-shirt she'd borrowed from Erica.
'Not for him. I was dancing-'
'In your underwear.'
'Yes, in my underwear and he walked in. Then we had coffee.'
'When you say underwear…' Erica said nonchalantly, choosing to ignore the last part of the story.
'A t-shirt and panties,' Callie elaborated. 'Much like now in fact.'
'Those panties?'
Callie looked down briefly.
'No, the pink ones.'
'The shorts or…'
'The shorts.'
'Huh.'
They climbed into bed, Callie sighing with pleasure at the feeling of the cool, clean sheets that signaled the end of an extremely crappy day.
'Do you dance for all the attendings or just the Chief?' Erica asked, turning on her side so they were face to face
'Well, play your cards right…'
A slow smile spread across Erica's face in dreamy anticipation.
'Really?'
'You can even choose the panties.'
'I was thinking naked.'
'That can definitely be arranged,' Callie promised, scooting closer until their bodies were pressed together intimately. Erica's hand came up to caress her cheek and Callie was so overcome with the tenderness of her gaze and touch that she felt dangerously close to tears. Trying to reign herself in she closed the few millimeters of space between them and kissed her, tangling her hands in Erica's soft hair.
They kissed for long minutes, Callie firmly holding Erica flush against her. It wasn't enough, however, to satisfy Callie's sudden near craving for closeness and she deliberately moved Erica's hand under her T-shirt, hoping to move things on from the PG realm.
'Are you sure?' Erica whispered, stroking her stomach tentatively.
Callie shivered in assent.
'Do you want me to beg?'
'It's just...you were upset and...'
'You do want me to beg,' Callie sighed, moving to sit up in embarrassment but Erica held her in place.
'Don't.'
'Look, I cried all over you and talked about babies and then I ate a whole carton of ice cream and a disgusting amount of Chinese food. Not sexy, I get it,' Callie huffed.
'I just want to make sure you're okay!'
'Yeah, your girlfriend deciding that you're too fragile for sex feels just fantastic.'
'I'm too old to be your girlfriend,' Erica said, the corners of her mouth turning up slightly.
'You said you loved me,' Callie mumbled awkwardly, grateful beyond belief that it was dark.
'I do,' Erica reiterated softly. 'I...I love you.'
'I just...I want you to...' Callie trailed off, unable to even vocalize what she needed from Erica. She mocked people who called sex love making, who made ludicrous claims that it was all about the intimacy . It was embarrassing. But yet...
'If you want a dance then just ask, Cal.'
Callie laughed out loud and wrapped one of Erica's blond curls around her finger.
'You'd do that for me?'
'Maybe. If you plied me with lots of wine.'
'Sunglasses are a costume requirement.'
'Maybe not tonight.'
'Erica...'
'Shhh,' Erica whispered, kissing her again and Callie knew that she understood, that she didn't have to explain.
'I want to stay like this,' she blurted out when they broke apart. 'I want to look at you.'
'Okay. Just let me...' She urged Callie into a sitting position so that she could pull her t-shirt over her head. Callie raised her arms to help, rolling her eyes mockingly when she noticed Erica's eyes glued to her newly exposed body.
'You really like my boobs, huh?'
'Among other things,' Erica confirmed, blushing but shrugging unapologetically. Reaching out, she traced a finger from her collarbone, between her breasts and over her abdomen.
'Oh?' Callie prompted.
'Everything about you is just so...' Please don't say curvy or womanly or any other euphemism for fat, Callie pleaded internally as Erica paused thoughtfully. '...provocative.'
'Provocative?' Callie asked uncertainly.
'I never used to think much about sex,' Erica confessed matter of factly, hands moving to tease Callie's heavy breasts. 'Sometimes, I guess. I didn't hate it but I could take it or leave it. Now...' she exhaled, enjoying the feeling of Callie's nipples hardening under her ministrations. 'Every time I see you or even just think about you everything in my mind disappears except...sex. The effort it takes to concentrate on anything else,' she sighed mock seriously. 'I see you walking or operating or smiling or anything and I'm turned on. You're just...sexy. All the time. I didn't know that I could want someone like this but I want you whenever, however just from the thought of you.'
Callie swallowed, Erica's voice had got progressively more intense and gravelly during her little speech, and now her mouth was suddenly dry while her heart-rate was continuing to skyrocket.
'Sorry I'm so distracting.' she managed after a few seconds.
'I like it,' Erica said, grinning wickedly.
'Do...do you want me now?' Callie near whispered.
Erica took her hand and guided it under the waistband of her pajama pants. She wasn't wearing any panties and Callie sucked in a breath as she felt her fingers slide through the light patch of hair between her legs and then into silken wetness.
'I guess that's a yes,' she murmured, her hand quickly becoming coated in Erica's slippery arousal.
'Yes,' Erica said breathily, starting to grind against her hand. Callie teased her clit, making slow upward strokes that got closer every time, making Erica tense and sigh every time her fingers retreated.
'I love the way you feel,' Callie couldn't stop herself from saying.
'Mmm, I know,' Erica agreed but then abruptly stopped moving. Callie opened her mouth to ask what was wrong but Erica just smiled reassuredly and pointed at Callie's panties.
'Take those off,' she said cockily, quickly removing her own sleepwear. Callie complied, tossing them aside carelessly and lay down on her side, skin crawling with anticipation. When Erica was lying face to face with her again she kissed her deeply, throwing her top leg over Erica's and encouraging her to push her leg between her's.
Lying half over her, Erica put her hands on Callie's lower back, both of them gasping as she pulled them together. Biting her lip, she started to rub and rock against her, creating a delicious friction as she searched for the perfect rhythm and position.
Callie kept her eyes open as she lay cradled in Erica's embrace. She could feel so much- Erica's hair brushing against her face, her lips on her shoulder, then her neck, her breasts pressed against her own. The pressure between her legs, the ache that was growing with every second. It was overwhelming in the best way.
In her ear she heard Erica start to pant harshly and brought their lips together in a heated kiss. When Erica broke away she was moaning quietly and moving slowly, deliberately. Callie watched her, completely spellbound, as her eyes fluttered closed and her legs started to shake. Just at the moment that Callie was sure Erica was going to soar over the edge, however, she stopped, breathing hard. Callie watched her, waiting uncertainly until Erica got control of herself again and snaked her hand between their bodies to rub frantically at Callie's clit.
'I want to...together,' she heard Erica say in a low, strained voice.
'Oh...oh god,' was all the response Callie could give, feeling the pleasure start to spiral at Erica's insistence.
It only took a few minutes before she knew she was hovering on the edge of bliss, Erica kept slowing down as she sensed Callie was approaching the point of no return and then building her up again but it was taking all of Callie's willpower to hold off her orgasm. She didn't want to wait anymore, not for another second.
'I...I can't, please,' she stuttered out, desperate to finish. Erica's fingers started to work their magic again but this time her hips churned erratically against them too, pleasuring them both. Realizing that she was finally going to be allowed to climax, Callie toes curled as the pleasure reached it's peak and her orgasm exploded outwards, flooding her whole body. She groaned loudly, nails digging into Erica's hip and yelped in surprise as she felt Erica's teeth scrape her shoulder.
'God, sorry,' Erica said self-consciously when they'd got their breathing down to a semi-normal level again. She touched the red spot where her teeth had left a mark. 'I didn't mean to.'
'It's okay,' Callie said lazily. 'It was hot. That was hot and...and...' She searched for the right word. 'Sweet. Thank you.'
'Mmm. Feel better?'
'I feel great,' Callie giggled honestly.
'Good,' Erica sighed, draping her arm over Callie's hip and closing her eyes tiredly.
'Hey!' Callie exclaimed loudly, a question reappearing from her memory just as they were drifting off to sleep.
'Callie,' Erica groaned. 'It's 2am.'
'Mark! Mark and who?' She demanded, completely unfazed by Erica's unwillingness to talk.
'Sloan, really? That's why I don't get to sleep?'
'The age gap! Grey and Shepherd and Mark and who? Who?' She asked shrilly.
'Oh. That. You don't know?'
'Does it sound like I know?!'
'You're not going to believe this, I thought she was about twelve but anyway, I saw her in Joe's reciting the periodic table and there's Sloan fawning over her like...'