We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance.
Lily Evans sat on the edge of her tiny bed on the last day of August, pulling a withered bit of red string through her fingers again and again, lost in her thoughts.She twisted it carefully around her index finger, pulled it tightly until the colour from her already pale skin began to drain and then let it slip away, before repeating the motion on the other hand. She had been doing it for little over an hour now without fully realising it, too distracted by the lump in her throat. She had been trying to convince herself to go downstairs, where her mother was busy in the kitchen cooking up a big family meal, her father was lounging in the living room watching TV and her sullen older sister was nattering on the phone to her boyfriend of three years, Vernon. She should have been helping her mother or pretending to enjoy some war movie with her dad so he wouldn't feel inclined to switch over or making yet another attempt at cracking down the concrete walls her sister had surrounded every inch of herself with for the past six years. But she just couldn't. She had spent the last week swallowing a hard lump in her throat every time the thought of leaving again came up, pressing a hand against her stomach as the butterflies that felt inclined to come alive at these moments made her feel queasy; busying herself with work she didn't have, repacking things that were already perfectly in place and making lists, endless lists; the only things that seemed to calm her down these days. But now, the eve of her departure, she couldn't ignore the fear that had been creeping in all summer, the guilt or the horrible, horrible nostalgia. As silly as it sounded and as much as her mother told her that it wasn't true, she felt as if when she walked out the door the next day, when she slipped between her two worlds, when she boarded a train to her other home, that this time she would be losing a part of herself, she would be becoming an adult and suddenly things would be different, completely different. Her mood had digressed harshly over that week; she had turned from a happy, confident 17 year old girl to her sullen 13 year old self who couldn't understand her emotions and couldn't understand why things seemed so unfair. She simply couldn't let go of this aching feeling that when she walked out of her front door the next morning she would be marking the very end of her childhood, forever. She would be an adult. Being an adult meant not crying to your parents or best friends or even relying on either because being an adult meant facing this horrible 'reality' that everyone and their mother had been going on about for years; being an adult meant everyone moving on with their lives, losing touch, forgetting the little things; being an adult meant everything being awful and nothing fun.
Of course Lily Evans was a logical, sensible girl and she knew that this wasn't the case. A person doesn't become something entirely different because of an age or because they were entering their final year of education but it felt like it. It felt like everything was ending and that soon she would be all on her own. That's what everyone always said. No one remained friends after school, you'd make new ones, you'll miss those people you took for granted, you'll miss the things you took for granted.
At this thought she promptly dropped the red string angrily onto her bedroom floor and let hot tears spill down her face for the fourth time that day, fear digging violently into her stomach. She knew she was being stupid but for once in her short but eventful life Lily Evans didn't care if she appeared stupid and simply cried, covering her face with her long, pale hands and letting her thick, red hair feather fall over her cheeks as if trying to protect her from her own thoughts.
At the same time, many miles away, deep in a large gated house, James Potter lay back on his bed, his knees inclined. His eyes were concentrated on the thin bit of blood red string he was gently weaving in and out of his fingers but his thoughts were elsewhere entirely. He had spent the day with his parents and Sirius, who had come over from his flat in central London to stay the night and take the trip to Kings Cross with them the next morning.
They had picked up last minute things at Diagon Alley for his next and last year at Hogwarts and essentially packed away most of his life into a tattered old trunk that had been in the family for far too long. Sirius was currently downstairs; probably shamelessly flirting with his mother, while simultaneously charming his father and making the house elf blush. James had complained of a hearty stomach ache about an hour before and retired upstairs, promising to be downstairs in time to greet the guests. Family friends, and some scarce actual family, would be taking up the Potters home that evening, probably until the early hours of the morning, to celebrate the end of summer and wish James and Sirius good luck in their last year. Really it was just an excuse for a party.
The news in the Daily Prophet had been growing darker over the past few months, albeit just subtly, and the work the adult Potter's were going out to do every day was becoming more and more dangerous, which James' mother announced cheerily was a perfect reason to hold yet more parties. Usually he would have been more than up for it, an excuse to get mindlessly drunk with his father and Sirius right before school started was exactly his idea of a good time, particularly since Sirius had the most magnificent hangovers and would be a treat to watch at the busy, loud Hogwarts Express platform.
But, but, but. He just couldn't. He couldn't be James Potter that day; he couldn't stomach the grins and the laughs he'd have to put up to hide the worry. He had been being James Potter; loud, excitable, cheerful and cheeky James Potter for seventeen short but dangerously wonderfully exciting years. It was just too much that day.
The last year of school had always looked like such an exciting opportunity for him. Then again, breakfast looked like an exciting opportunity for him on most days. But the last year of school was like this promised land, this final stepping stone where he could be an adult in a kid's world, be the top of the heap and then when it was finished, go and…and. Go and do what?
He had been so full of ideas all these years. He could do anything, be anyone, he was invincible; he had every chance, every choice in the world. He could be an Auror or a Healer or he could work for the Ministry, he could travel the world, he could backpack across Europe or live like a Muggle – or not – or try out for a professional Quidditch team or become a Professor – after waiting a few years for the rumours about his antics to simmer down. He could do everything from simply live at home, scrounging off his family's fortune to starting an illegal underground operation in which he and Sirius trained youngsters to become mini Marauders. He had felt like he could do anything.
Now…now he felt like he could do nothing. He felt useless and incompetent and above all, above everything else, terrified of the world out there. What if he got lost in Europe or failed at being a Professor or was tricked when questioning a dark wizard, leading to the downfall of the entire Wizarding world? What if he was too dumb to run his own business, what if he wasted away his family's fortune, what if he ended up alone because of how scared he was? What if everyone just moved on with their lives and he was stuck; stuck wondering whether or not to be a Professor or a Quidditch player, stuck scared out of his head about messing everything up? With everything that was happening outside the safe walls of his home, all the things that weren't being reported that his parents had told him about in hushed voices one day, he would probably end up fighting. But could he trust himself to do that?
Before he had always relished in new challenges; looked forward to being more, trying more but the next year felt dark and these uncertain waters felt treacherous. He wasn't ready. He just wasn't ready. He wasn't a dumb boy by any means, (but he was still just a boy,) and he knew that whether he crawled under his covers now and ignored the fear that had been crushing him for weeks, life would continue. It had to. He knew that. He just never thought he'd be afraid of it.
He let out a big, heavy sigh and forced himself from his bed, letting the little red string drop to his bedroom floor. His parents and Sirius would be waiting. Hopefully he'd be able to forget about the gnawing fear in his gut with good company and strong alcohol.
"You'll write, won't you?"
Lily knew that she had already asked that question but the silence in the car was making her feel unsettled. She felt as if important seconds were slipping away while everyone blinked sleep out of their eyes and looked lazily out at the passing scenery, but couldn't think of anything interesting to say.
Her father chuckled, his eyes more sunken than usual and his face pale, she noted with anxiety, and nodded.
"Of course we will Lily, every single morning, just like we always have."
"And I can come and visit at Christmas?"
Her mother looked up slightly from the wheel in surprise.
"You're always welcome Lily but don't you want to spend Christmas at school? You always say it's the most beautiful time of the year. And there's the Ball."
Lily felt that now familiar swooping feeling in her stomach and nodded slowly, her eyes dropping.
"Oh. Yeah. I forgot about that. Well maybe I can visit for the first week of the break? And then be back for the Ball or something. I don't know. I don't even really want to go to the stupid thing to be honest. And I don't want to miss a Christmas with you guys again."
Her mother seemed not to hear her as she tried to manoeuvre their way around, craning her neck to look properly at the building traffic ahead of them and drumming her fingers against the wheel while her father wearily leant against the window and shut his eyes. She couldn't blame him. He had been getting more and more tired these days, taking longer naps, missing breakfast, falling asleep in front of the TV. He couldn't afford to strain himself unless he wanted to end up back in hospital. She scolded herself mentally for even letting him come in the first place and let the topic die, trying to calm the nagging worries in her head.
Petunia wasn't helping either, pointedly staring in the opposite direction with her lips pursed and her nose upturned. Alarm at the thought of forever losing her sister after this year, alarm at the thought of losing another Christmas with her weakening father and her strong mother, took her over for a moment before she was distracted by the car sharply turning, out of the weakening traffic, and stopping right outside Kings Cross Station, where people were hurriedly streaming in and out.
"We're here!" Her mother exclaimed excitedly, hopping out of the car before Lily could even catch her breath. Her dad slowly got out as well, following his wife to where she was already steadily wheeling Lily's trunk into the station. Petunia would of course be staying in the car as always, her arms crossed and her thoughts less than complimentary towards her sister.
Lily hesitated before opening the car door, turning a little. Petunia shifted her head slightly in her direction, giving Lily new found courage.
"Listen, Tune-"
"Just go Lily. I have to meet Vernon by 1 and we'll never get out of this traffic by then if you sit around trying to have heart to heart's. Bye."
Lily felt her old, sorely missed temper that had been put aside for days of self-pity and wallowing flare up, throwing its protective arms over her vulnerable, aching insides.
"Fine, I'll go. Have a nice life Petunia, have a wonderfully boring life with that horribly boring little man. No more heart to heart's. I promise."
She slammed the door behind her and didn't look back. Being an adult meant everyone leaving each other behind. Being an adult meant losing touch. Lily swallowed hard and rushed to meet her waiting parents.
T
hat rule shouldn't have been applicable to sisters.
"I'm coming to visit for at least half the Hogsmeade weekends."
"Only half?"
"Sirius, do not encourage them into thinking they're funny!"
They had arrived far too early to actually board the train, as they always did, and the family had been strolling around, the younger two listening to the married two reminisce about their own days at Hogwarts.
"You know, when we were at Hogwarts Hogsmeade was ourtime, we spent every single one together. Even when your mother was pretending she wasn't completely in love with me-
"I was not in love with you when I was 13! We were friends; you just never quite got your head around that."
Sirius, still as energetic as ever despite the raging hangover he must have been going through, grinned widely at something behind James, in the direction of the gateway, and raised his eyebrows suggestively at his best friend.
"Sounds just like someone else I know."
James nudged him with a little more vigour than he usually would have and kept his eyes strictly forward. He did not need to start off the year by making a fool of himself with Lily Evans in front of his parents, who were currently too busy playfully bickering to notice the red tint on their son's face.
"You ruined my chances of going out with Gregory Davies back in Fifth Year! He was the most attractive boy in the year and you completely stomped all over my poor little dreams."
"Gregory Davies was incredibly dumb."
"Charles!"
"He was, he was slow and he was annoying and he grunted instead of speaking and he always smelt-
"Sweaty from all those Quidditch matches…"
James' mother had adopted a dream like look on her face, much to the chagrin of James. Sirius simply howled with laughter.
"Oh that's right, just poke fun at the fact that I could never get on the tea-
"Well if you had maybe James here would be just a tad bet-
"And that signals the end of the conversation." James grinned, throwing his arms around both his parents shoulders – when had they gotten so short? – and pressed a kiss on his mother's cheek. "Insult my Quidditch skills again mum and I'm going to go out with Linda Patil-
"Well you can as long as you're okay with telling her that her aunt was a complete b-
"Ah yes, I remember Jasmine Patil, beautiful girl, funny, charming-
"Yes, well apparently your best friend thought so t-
Sirius drowned out the rest of his adoptive mother's sentence with another bark of laughter before also pressing a sloppy kiss on her cheek.
"Alright you lovebirds, make sure you write, do all your homework, don't argue and for goodness sake I don't want any letters home or I'll send a Howler, I'll do it."
James rolled his eyes at his best friend's antics, trying to ignore the nervous little pulses that were beating down on his stomach. Lily Evans was somewhere in the same area as him, his last year at Hogwarts was about to begin, he was still feeling utterly overwhelmed and now he had to say goodbye to his parents.
Do not cry, he warned himself, Sirius will injure himself laughing and it's just unnatural how often that happens to him.
He bent low to give his father a hug, holding on a little longer than he usually would have, and gulping down hard as he pulled away. His mother was already shamelessly welling up with tears, her bottom lip jutting out childishly as she gave Sirius a hug and whispered something in his ear, ruffling his already unruly hair. James slipped an arm around her waist, leant close and let himself feel like a little kid for just another moment, whispering quietly; "Come to more than half the Hogsmeade trips mum. You can be my date while Sirius tries to fool yet another girl into thinking he's a human being."
A watery, earnest smile appeared on his mother's heart shaped face as she giggled and nodded, more tears falling onto her rosy cheeks. His father chuckled and wrapped an arm around her as the two boys lifted their trunks into the train, securing their own compartment before leaping back down and gathering their parents into a large, loud and rough group hug, which they both protested and adored.
"Well, we'll see you crazy kids." Sirius winked, hopping onto the train, "Make sure you write, often. James gets moody when you don't."
James stuck his tongue out at him as he disappeared around the corner, planting one last kiss on his mother's cheek, nodding at his father before slipping into their compartment to quickly peer out onto the platform again. His parents had joined the gaggle of teary eyed parents, waiting to wave off the train when it finally departed in a few moments. He sighed and waved a little, trying to ignore the tightness in his throat.
I have a LOT of this written out so I'll probably be posting pretty frequently. It does get a hell of a lot better here and isn't nearly as whiny as it might seem to be; this is just the beginning, two teenagers, terrified of life. I hope you guys like it and remember to review it you did (or didn't) because reviews keep me happy and I'm really not right now.