"Are you okay with this?"
"Why wouldn't I be? Her and I are just friends that got...carried away."
But as Jeffrey leaves the room, I realize I'm not okay with this. Not even close. The room feels like its spinning off balance and there's this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. And I wish I could convince myself that it's because Uncle Clint picked tonight to behave like a belligerent frat boy outside Shelter or because Dani's acting insane again and brought some 50 year old creeper back to the apartment to do god knows what.
But its none of that. Its Jeffrey & Destiny. I should not be surprised by this. Hell, I should have expected this. I've seen how he looks at her. But I'm apparently I'm stupid or naïve or blind or probably all of those things because I never ever thought anything would happen with them. Because she's supposed to love me. Always me. Only me. Since high school. And I know I'm a jerk for even thinking that because I've certainly done nothing to deserve that kind of devotion. Not even way back when. And definitely not since Drew. But even if I have no right to feel this way or to even think this way, it doesn't change the fact that the thought of her kissing my roommate burns. Actually it just really f*cking hurts.
I'm really not angry at Jeffrey at all. He came straight to me after their kiss, trying to be all upstanding and do the right thing- whatever the hell the right thing is in this messed up situation. Because that's who he is and that's why he's a good friend. And I don't think he really has any idea how close we once were. He knows about Drew so obviously he knows we had sex. But he probably thinks we were casual friends who had some meaningless one night stand and ended up with a kid. I certainly haven't clarified any of it for him. And somehow I know Des hasn't either.
He doesn't know that we were best friends, pretty much two halves of a whole. He doesn't know that she's been my lifeline more times than I can count, which is pretty much how we ended up with a baby. He doesn't know that she flew to London to help me escape boarding school when I was paralyzed. He doesn't know that I jumped in front of a gun for her (and would again) or how hard she squeezed my hand when she was in labor with our baby. He doesn't know that even though we've barely had a civil conversation in years, she still knows me better than anyone. That the reason I'm always looking at the sky or the floor or off to the side when we're in the same room is because I know that she sees right through me. And I know that because I can still look at her and tell exactly what she's thinking too. At least I thought I did until I heard she was making out with Jeffrey.
So yeah, I'm not mad at Jeffrey, Jeffrey's barely on my register right now. But Destiny is. Part of me wants to drive to her apartment and ask her what the hell this is about. Why she's kissing my roommate of all people. Whether it has occurred to her how awkward this could get. Ask if some part of her is relishing the fact that her new guy happens to live with me, happens to be one of my best friends. If she's trying to hurt me or if she even cares. But I don't go over there for the same reasons I never go over there even though I think about her and Drew more often than anyone probably realizes. I don't go there because I know I have no say in what she does anymore and definitely not who she dates. Because I've hurt her so much & I hate seeing that reflected back when she looks at me. Because it's my fault that I've treated her so badly that she probably thinks that I actually don't care if she hooks up with my best friend. Because I'd have to see Drew and be reminded of how colossally I've already failed that sweet little boy. Because going there means questioning all the choices I've made- choices I've told myself and everyone else over and over were the rights ones, the only ones at my age.
I hear Michelle calling me. Michelle. The girl who looks at me like I'm her hero. Like I can do no wrong. The girl who if I'm being honest really doesn't know me at all. But she's waiting for me now, in my bed, probably in some sexy lingerie or already naked, ready and willing to do anything I could possibly want. I'm so lucky- wasn't that how I felt when I was kissing her earlier tonight? Except lucky is so not how I feel right now. So I'll go to her & let myself drown in her because she's here and things are easy with her and she wants me. But tonight all I want right now from this girl who doesn't really know me is for her to make me forget all about the girl who knows me better than anyone.