Before the Check
AU to Let Your Balalaikas Ring Out. Rory and Jess go out to dinner and talk about their lives, choices, regrets and the future.
Before the Check
Rory smiled at Jess, standing almost entirely in the shadows of her grandparents' driveway. He grinned back and she was transported back to the first time she saw him, walking into her room and even in only that, proving that he was unlike anyone else she had ever met.
"Hey" – she greeted softly.
"Hey"
"So... What are you in the mood for?"
"Nothing in particular, got any ideas? You're the one who lives here"
"How about burgers?"
"Sounds good. Wanna drive together?"
"Sure" – they walked over to his rental, and she wondered what happened to his beat up, falling apart car.
"It broke down a while back" – he stated after they climbed in.
"What?"
"My other car, it was a piece of crap from the start, and it finally died around the time I moved to Philly"
"Oh, I wasn't–" – he gave her a look and she shook her head – "Okay, I was"
"So, which way should I go?"
The pub was nothing special, though Rory liked the selection of burgers. She observed as Jess perused the menu, and mentally catalogued the changes in him since the last time they saw one another in her old Yale dorm, begging her to run away with him, to accept him back into her life, to love him back.
What would her life had looked like if she had jumped and gone with him? As much as Logan was someone who continuously pushed her out of her comfort zone, Jess had been the first person in her life to try and show her that there was more, so much more of the world than Stars Hollow, her mom, her books.
"Got the menu memorized?" – he asked, looking at her intensely.
"I've come here enough times, yes"
"Okay" – he motioned a waitress over and they rattled off their order.
For a long moment, they could only stare at one another. Rory wondered what Jess could see in her, if he was also remembering that night ay Yale, if she had changed at all since then.
"So, how's life?" – he finally asked, leaning back in his seat with the ease of a teenage Jess.
"It's... Good" – she answered casually, and he nodded – "What?"
"Nothing"
"Jess"
"Can I ask about what happened with your mom?" – he asked straight up.
"What did Luke say?"
"Nothing much, just that you two weren't really talking right now"
"Is that it?" – she questioned quietly, thinking about how long it had been since she spoke to her mom, or Luke.
"Just about. So, what happened?"
"I... I decided to take a break from Yale and mom... Mom didn't like that"
"And you moved into your grandparents'" – he added. Although his tone was perfectly plain, she flushed at the underlying judgment she found there.
"It wasn't like that"
"How was it, then?" – she made to speak but didn't when the waitress came over with their drinks. She took a sip to consider her answer again.
"I needed a change" – for whatever reason, her voice sounded distant and flat, and she felt a sudden amount of embarrassment.
"Was that it?"
"I'm sorry?"
"You dropped out of Yale, moved in with your grandparents, and you stopped talking to your mom?"
"She stopped talking to me" – she argued.
"Doesn't sound like the Lorelai I remember"
"Maybe you remember her differently" – she said, and was startled at how cold her voice felt.
"I guess, it's not like we were ever tight" – he replied dryly, smirking slightly as he drank some beer – "Why did you drop out, anyway?"
"I told you–"
"Dropping out is not exactly a small change" – he pointed out.
"I... I don't know, things happened and I couldn't stay anymore"
"What happened?"
His face was so open and kind and everything that happened the year before, from sleeping with Dean and running off to Europe with her grandmother, and not talking to her mom at all, to meeting Logan and the horrible dinner at the Huntzbergers, to the internship and Mitchum and the boat, and fighting with her mom and crying in her grandfather's shoulder, it all came rushing back to her and she had to take a few deep breaths before she could answer him.
"I... I decided not to be a journalist anymore" – she said softly.
"Huh. How come? That's all you've ever wanted to do, isn't it?"
"I guess, but I changed my mind"
"Have you decided what you want to do now?"
"... No, not yet"
"And the whole" – he made a motion – "DAR thing?"
"I needed a job, and my grandmother helped me get it"
"Ah"
"It's not as bad as it sounds" – she defended.
"I didn't say anything"
"You were thinking it"
"Can't blame me for it, you said you hated your coming out party, and every other society event you ever attended"
"I didn't hate my debutante ball"
"Yes you did. Something about bowing and white dresses and feather boas?" – despite herself, she smiled at his playfulness.
"Alright, that wasn't that great, but the DAR is not all about that kind of event, and there is something interesting about, you know, planning them rather than just participating"
"Wouldn't know, never been to one"
"Wanna come over tomorrow?" – she played around.
"Nope, I'm gonna pass"
"Too bad, we're gonna have balalaikas, you'd like them"
"I'm sure I would, but I have to hit a few stores tomorrow, talk to some people" – he shrugged – "Work, you know" – his tone was gentle, almost like he didn't want to hurt her for having an actual job, something he was clearly suited for and liked and–
"How did you get into it, anyway? Like, you were living in New York before, right?"
"Yeah, and after it got too expensive to live there, I moved on to Philly. I was actually working at a bookstore in New York, and the owner gave me a few recommendations when I moved"
"And now you've written a book" – she finished – "I haven't had the time to start it" – she confessed.
"Don't worry about it"
"Can I... Can I ask?"
"What?"
"Are you happy?" – she managed to get out, and he looked startled.
"... I am" – he answered after a moment, and smiled awkwardly – "I mean, it's not anything extraordinary, but–"
"It's still amazing" – she interrupted – "It really is" – she said warmly. He flashed her a shy grin and adverted his eye – "What did Luke say when you told him" – he snorted.
"You know Luke, he gushed, he stuttered, he tried to hug me over the phone"
"Luke does not gush" – but she remembered the way he reacted when she told him about which colleges she'd been accepted to, and had to smile sadly at the memory.
"He does too, he just hides it well. Besides, I couldn't see him, and I called after work, so I think it helped him let it all out"
"Well, I'm proud of you too, Jess" – she reached for his hand and squeezed it – "It's a great accomplishment"
"It is what it is"
"You don't think it is?"
"Read it first, and then you'll understand"
"You're ridiculous"
"Hey, now, Ms. Gilmore"
"Yes, Mr. Mariano?"
"I'm not the one nerd who hid books under her bed, that's weird, Gilmore" – she laughed a little.
"You wore a leather jacket all the time"
"Hey, I was young and dumb, what can I say" – she narrowed her eyes at the way he looked away.
"Wait. Did you–? You wore your jacket in California?" – he shrugged.
"Maybe"
"Wasn't that hot, though?"
"Kind of, yes"
"Huh"
"Hey, don't judge"
"I'm not"
"Yes you are"
"Maybe I am" – she laughed, though she also felt an immense amount of sorrow, because it was entirely the kind of conversation she would have with her mom.
"Should I come out and ask, then?"
"Ask what?" – he smirked.
"Are you dating anyone?" – she blinked.
"Oh. Yes, actually, I am" – she hesitated – "Is that–? Weird?"
"Sort of, but it's okay. What's his name?"
"Logan. He's– He's great. We met at Yale"
"Huh, did you"
"He's travelling"
"Sorry?"
"Tonight, he's travelling. For work"
"So, he works?"
"He's starting to, he's going to work for his family business"
"No kidding"
"Jess"
"I didn't say anything"
"Yes you did"
"Tone doesn't count"
"It very much does when it comes to you"
"Lies and accusations"
"But true enough" – he sighed.
"Look, I don't know this Logan guy, I don't want to say anything about him without knowing him first–"
"But you want to" – he looked her straight in the eye.
"Maybe we should change the subject" – he said as the waitress approached with their burgers and fries. She picked a fry up and ate with gusto.
"As you wish"
"That should be my line, I believe"
"Should it?" – he snorted and shook his head.
"Wait, you went to Europe again?" – Jess questioned with a frown.
"Oh. Yes"
"With Lorelai?"
"No, with my grandmother"
"Okay, no offense, but why?"
"Well, to be honest, I wanted to get out of Stars Hollow for a while, and my grandmother offered, so, you know"
"What happened? You were thinking of dropping out then?" – he asked with a raised eyebrow.
"I... No" – she looked at him, and wondered what she would think of what happened with Dean, if he would judge her as harshly as her mom had. Even Logan didn't know what happened, and Lane had dismissed it as romantic, and yet it was Jess, as blunt as they come, and she doubted this more mature, more grounded version of Jess would refrain from telling her what was on his mind.
"Rory?"
"I don't know if I should" – she said softly.
"C'mon, it's me, it's okay"
"..."
"Did you kill a guy in Reno?" – she couldn't quite help but grin briefly.
"No, nothing like that"
"Then–?" – she took a deep breath.
"Did you know Dean got married?" – she started carefully. He shook his head while snorting.
"Was it with that girl? What was her name, Linda?"
"Lindsay"
"Right. What about it?"
"I... The reason I went off to Europe is... I... Dean and I–" – she stopped when Jess's look changed to something she couldn't recognize – "Jess?"
"You slept with him" – he stated, neither coldly nor judgmental, and somehow, it still very much broke her heart.
"Yes" – she whispered, unable to look at him.
"But you're not with him right now"
"No, I..." – she swallowed and finally looked at him again – "After I came back from Europe, he– He broke up with Lindsay, and we... We dated for a little while"
"Huh"
"Is that–? Is that all you have to say?"
"Do you want me to have more to say?"
"I know you have more to say about this"
"About you sleeping with married Dean? Or him ending his marriage to be with you?"
"... Both"
"Who ended it?"
"What?"
"Rory"
"... He did"
"Right"
"What's that?"
"Hm?"
"Jess"
"Of course he did" – she winced.
"What's that mean?"
"Rory, c'mon"
"I..."
"Do you want me to say what I really think about it?" – she stared at his dark, warm, and challenging eyes and saw the same boy she had loved so intensely she would once have thrown her entire world over.
Except he wasn't that boy anymore, and she hadn't been the girl he left behind in what felt like a lifetime.
"Yes, I do" – she answered without thinking, because a part of her really wanted to know what he thought.
"I think it was stupid" – he said blandly, and she felt like he'd punched her in the gut – "And selfish"
She hung her head, feeling her eyes sting.
"You were both selfish, and dumb, and cruel to Lindsay. What happened to them, anyway?"
"Sorry?"
"After Dean and you broke up, and after Dean left her"
"Oh. I... I don't..." – she mumbled.
"Do you want me to keep going?"
"No, thank you"
"Okay"
They finished their food and drinks in utter silence.
"Look, I'm sorry for what I said. About Dean" – Jess said after the waitress cleared the table and brought them fresh drinks.
"No, I– I think I needed to hear it" – she shrugged.
"Wanna get some dessert?" – she smiled at his gentle tone.
"Yeah. They have some nice ice creams, actually"
"I'm not sharing with you"
"Please?"
"Nope, you can finish it yourself, like hell you can't, I've seen you eat"
"Fair enough"
"And you're not a terrible person, for what it's worth?"
"What?"
"Because of the Dean and Lindsay stuff. You're not a bad person"
"Just stupid and selfish" – she pointed out, and he winced.
"I can't go back on my own words, huh?"
"I wouldn't want you to" – she stated confidently.
"Sure?"
"Yeap"
"Good. You want me to tell you about my first time, for full disclosure?" – she blinked and flushed.
"No?"
"Well, I'll skip the details. It was a couple of months before I moved to Stars Hollow" – his contempt for the small town was very slight – "Her name was Sylvia Clarke, and afterwards she told me she had a boyfriend"
"Ouch"
"Yeah. So, there's the story of my first time"
"I thought Shane might've been your first"
"We never did it"
"Really?"
"Yeap"
"Oh" – she frowned – "Wait, I didn't even ask about you"
"About me?"
"Are you dating anyone?" – he grimaced.
"Not right now, no. I mean, I was dating this girl, Kate, but she got a job in Oregon a while back"
"I'm sorry, that sucks"
"It is what it is. It wasn't serious, anyway"
"Well, I'm still sorry"
"Because you're you"
"Was that a compliment?"
"Don't fish"
"I'm not!"
"Of course" – she huffed playfully at him.
"I'm ordering a special banana split, and I demand you eat some of it"
"I'll eat one spoonful, if that's alright with you, Ms. Gilmore"
"You will eat two"
"One"
"Two!"
"Don't even, Gilmore"
"You're mean"
"And your pouting doesn't work on me anymore"
"It doesn't?"
"Nope, sorry, you're out of luck"
"Fine, I'll eat it all by myself then"
"What a hassle on your part"
"You're not very funny"
"I happen to be hilarious, thank you"
"Are you sure you don't want more?" – Rory asked over the enormous sweet concoction.
"Quite sure, it's diabetes on a plate"
"You sound like Luke"
"No need for name calling, now"
"Oh, c'mon, it's a compliment"
"Sure it is" – he paused – "Can I bring up your mom and Yale again?"
"... Yes, you can"
"What the hell happened? You don't just decide to drop out of school, and you of all people doesn't just stop talking to your mom"
"It's kind of a long story"
"We can order more drinks, or coffee, I guess" – she sighed.
"I guess I should start with... Logan's family"
"Okay"
"I... I went to dinner with them this one time. Well, this one only time, and, suffice to say, I don't really mind it being the only time"
"Was it as bad as my dinner with your grandmother?"
"Far worse"
"Okay, go ahead"
"Well, I showed up, they were kind of weird... And then before we even had the salad, they told me I wasn't good enough for Logan, that I wouldn't make a good wife for him"
"How long had you been dating by this time?"
"A day" – he widened his eyes.
"Wow"
"Yeah. Well, after that we left pretty quickly. The next day Logan's dad, Mitchum, came over to Yale, at the paper, and offered me an internship at a paper in Hartford, the Eagle Gazette"
"Is he the editor there or something?"
"He... Bought the paper a while back" – that made Jess raise his eyebrows.
"I see"
"Well, I didn't really want to do it, but after he pointed out that I should take every opportunity given to me and work at it, I accepted. It was... An experience, to say the least"
"What happened?" – Jess asked, so gentle it sounded nothing like the boy who once created such havoc in Stars Hollows its residents wanted to run him out with pitchforks.
"Everything was going ok, or so I thought, and after two weeks, I sort of asked him to evaluate my work so far"
"I gather it didn't go so well?"
"That's an understatement" – she paused and hoped he didn't explode – "He said I didn't have 'it'"
"Meaning?"
"That he thought I would make a better assistant than a journalist" – Jess looked like a statue before he took a deep breath.
"What a jackass"
"He said I was good at being an assistant, and that I didn't really speak up during staff meetings..." – she shook her head – "Which's not wrong"
"There's far more to being a journalist than any of that crap" – he said with some classic Jess Mariano heat.
"I know, but–"
"You believe him" – he paused – "Who is this guy again?"
"Mitchum Huntzberger"
"Oh. The, ah, newspaper guy"
"Yeap"
"I get it now"
"You do?"
"You respect him" – he stated flatly.
"Of course, he's amazing, he's had such a career, and he has written some great–"
"And you took his word as the word of God" – he continued, ignoring her entirely.
"No, that's not how it– That's not right"
"Except it is"
"Jess, no"
"You're like this, I know you"
"I..."
"I know you better than anyone" – he said softly, grabbing her hand – "You're just gonna let this guy get to you? This is what you've wanted to do since before you could crawl"
"Dreams can change" – she answered, squeezing his hand back.
"Have they?"
"What?"
"Do you have a new dream?"
"I..."
"Because I doubt you do. Do you?" – he pressed.
"I don't... I don't know" – she whispered, making to pull away, but he didn't allow it.
"What do you really want, Rory?"
"I don't know" – she repeated, suddenly feeling small and overwhelmed by all the things she had shoved into the dark corners of her mind, by everything she had told herself since she walked away from Mitchum that night, by all that was left unsaid to and from her mom, her grandparents, even her friends.
But this was Jess, and while she didn't think she could quite agree with him – she didn't know who knew her better than anyone at this point –, it didn't change the fact that, at her core, Jess did, nonetheless, know her. It was a scary thought considering how they left things, how long it had passed since they last spoke, however it remained a fact she could have overlooked, if not for the warmth of his hand and the reassuring way he looked at her.
This was the same Jess who looked up how far Yale was to Stars Hollow, who listened as she prepared for her tests, who reviewed her articles before she submitted them. This was Jess, and she realized it was enough.
"I want to... Have a purpose again" – she managed to get out.
"Then find one" – he clutched her hand tighter – "You can be the next Christiane Amanpour if you want to, and you can be the best DAR lady that's ever lived, I mean, you are your mother's kid after all, and you can be a freaking astronaut if you get over your fear of going into space–"
"It's a very reasonable fear"
"Look, you know what I'm saying here, don't you?"
"Yeah"
"Dream whatever you want to, Rory, but go after it. Do you really think your mom's pissed at you because you dropped out?"
"Yes" – she said instantly, and he winced.
"Okay, it IS Lorelai, but if you told her that your new dream is to be the world's greatest party planner, she'll give you a hug and make you a new cap and mug and t–shirt that says 'Rory Gilmore, #1 Party Planner'"
"She would" – she agreed somewhat shyly.
"Look who's talking about looking into the future, but seriously, if I can write a book, if I can hold onto a steady job" – he grinned slowly – "if I can have a dream, then it can't be that hard for you to figure out what you want, Rory Gilmore"
"Do you really think so?"
"I'd never lie to you, not about this"
"I'll think about it"
"You better"
For the first time in a long time, Rory felt light and free, and the future didn't seem as distant or unyielding as before Jess skulked over to her the night before.
"I missed you" – she at last allowed herself to say, and to feel it.
"I missed you too" – he smiled at her, and nothing else mattered in that moment.
And yet, I do not like Literati. Oh well.