A story request for my lovely sister BellaNamikaze! She requested a comedy featuring the Akatsuki! Hope you enjoy it sis.
How had it come to this? Konan looked on at a group of 9 other people in the clearing all wearing matching cloaks to her own dead locked into various heated debates with one another. Red coated the ground as Hidan, the resident masochist, sat inside of a pentagram on the ground with his three bladed scythe in hand moaning in ecstasy as he spilled his own blood in tribute to Jashin. Kakuzu stood beside of him yelling at him about his dumb rituals to which he replied by trying to grab Kakuzu to sacrifice him as well. Sasori was currently trying to destroy Deidara who was in turn trying to destroy Tobi who was running about the clearing and flailing like a madman in an attempt to get away from the angry blonde. Itachi was effortlessly holding the shark man who was at least a foot taller than him to a tree by his throat to prevent him from hopping in and killing anyone just because of the thrill of a fight. Zetsu was arguing with well...himself, and Pain was just watching alongside her in disbelief. THIS was the might of the Akatsuki.
After a good five minutes of just watching the chaos unfold, and partially hoping that this release of tension would allow them to get it out of their systems, Pain's voice boomed through the area. "THAT. IS. ENOUGH." As if they were magic words all actions within the clearing seemed to come to a screeching halt. All the eyes settled in on him and just stared. There was a moment of silence before Hidan, the only one with the balls, or perhaps the stupidity, to stand up to Pain, spoke up very loudly. "Won't you just go back to boning your blueberry there you glorified pincushion and leave the rest of us ALONE?!"
Pain stared. He didn't speak. Just stared. And that was not good. Konan had expected no less of Hidan. He seemed to have no trouble running his mouth. Even if it WAS about matters that he had no business in. She was sure he was just jealous because it was not HIM that she was allowing to "bone" her. Perhaps if he got laid once and awhile, he wouldn't be so hyperactive.
As if sensing the anus busting that was about to come, Tobi, Deidara, and Sasori all three ceased from chasing one another, Zetsu fell silent, Itachi dropped Kisame who promptly stopped choking and simply stood in silence, Kakuzu took a few steps back from Hidan in preparation for what was to happen. Then, the poor dumb animal didn't even have the sense to run. He simply sat there on the ground, scythe sticking out of his gut as if it were a belly button ring, and watched as everyone backed off. "What?" He asked looking around. But before he could run his mouth any more, Pain appeared before him in an instant and proceeded to pimp slap him through a tree to his immediate left. After the leaves ceased falling from it, he straightened and cleared his throat. "Kakuzu. If you would be so kind as to redirect us on where we're supposed to go, please?" He asked.
"Right…We've wasted enough time." He agreed. He reached down into his cloak and produced a map which he unrolled and looked at before leading them further up the path and leaving Hidan to pull himself together and catch up. When he regained consciousness of course. How did all of hell break loose you may ask? Well. It started a four days prior back in the headquarters…
It was a normal day at the Akatsuki headquarters except for one thing. Everyone had been ill for about a week give or take a few days save for Sasori because of his synthetic body. And like all men, when they were ill, they were apparently the equivalent of dying. Even though it was the same cold that Konan had, and she still managed to hold down the fort in terms of herself and Pain…and occasionally Tobi because he was the equivalent of a man-child. Screw the rest of them. They were big boys. They could take care of themselves. But on this particular day, the effects of everyone in the hideout catching a cold that originally started out belonging solely to Deidara were starting to make themselves known now that everyone was near recovery. Such as the lack of housekeeping that was done, the lack of food in the kitchen because of everyone's inability to go out and get any, and Sasori's refusal to do so because that was "not his job", as well as the halt of all progress in their mission to capture the tailed beasts. Thank goodness they were all nearly better.
A grumpy Deidara wandered towards the kitchen to fetch some food. He was over his cold, but he still wasn't feeling totally better. The diva's hair was loose and fell around his shoulders as he dragged his feet over to the fridge in a black robe and a pair of slippers to search it for anything edible. However, when he looked inside, what he found looked strikingly similar to how a bachelor's fridge would look minus the booze. He grits his teeth and turned his head to call back through the hideout at his roommates. "Doesn't ANYONE in this place know how to go to a grocery store!?"
An equally annoyed Hidan entered the kitchen with him. "I wondered the same f***ing thing when I came in here earlier. Apparently Sasori is too much of an a** to go to the store for us all in our hours of need." He said as the messy haired, shirtless man leaned against the counter alongside Deidara.
Sasori passed by the doorway and spoke back at the two of them. "Not. My. Job."
Deidara glared after him. "Yeah, well being a hateful dickbag isn't your job either but you excel at it! Hm."
Sasori called back from down the hall, "Looking like a drag queen also isn't your job, but you put your competitors to shame." Then his door shut behind him as he retreated to work on his puppets.
Hidan looked to Deidara. "Won't you two just kiss already and get it over with?" He smirked at the pun he was about to make, "I'm sure he's got some wood for you in there somewhere." Deidara turned his hostilities on Hidan. "Shut up you filthy prick!" Hidan burst out in laughter at the reaction he'd fished for. It was exactly what he'd been hoping for.
An equally rough looking Itachi appeared in the door and crossed the kitchen to the coffee pot where he proceeded to pour a cup of hot coffee from it. He looked tired, pale, and above all else in no mood for any shenanigans or lip. "Stop all of your nonsense." He spoke simply as he placed the pot back onto the hot plate. "If you'd put half of the effort you placed into running your mouths into doing something about it, the issue would be resolved. Stop your bickering before I stop it for you. I have a migraine." He informed before promptly moving to another cabinet that housed some aspirin.
Hidan and Deidara both looked over at the Uchiha in disdain before Hidan spoke. "With what f***ing money Itachi?" He asked. Itachi looked back at the two of them his eyes screaming of how done he was with their childishness. "Go talk to Kakuzu. He always claims to be the treasurer around here." And with that he departed back to his own room where silence and peace resided.
Deidara spoke. "For once that self-entitled piece of work might be onto something, yeah?" He turned to look at Hidan. "I agree. Let's go and pay the piggybank a visit."
They trekked to Kakuzu's room where Hidan banged on the door violently with one fist. "Kakuzu?! You in there? The whole place has gone to the d*** buzzards around here!" The door opened and a very hateful Kakuzu stood there. "This had better be good, Hidan…" Hidan gave a cheesy grin. "Kakuzu! Buddy! Now would I interrupt you if it wasn't for good reason?" Kakuzu didn't look convinced. "Cut the crap Hidan, what is it?" He asked. Hidan sighed. "Tsk, tsk, looks like someone hasn't had their medicine today." Kakuzu's eyes narrowed. Hidan spoke once more. "Well, the issue stands as such. The hideout is completely out of food, we're all starved to death around here, Sasori is a dick, and you handle all the money. So what say we take a store trip huh?" Kakuzu didn't look pleased. "You mean to tell me that this mess of hogs has already ate the pantries bare?" Hidan's face fell as he looked at Kakuzu. "Hey now we're not that bad...but the point is, you handle the money, we need to get some food, and Sasori won't go, so it looks like it's up to me and Deidara to feed your sorry a**es." Kakuzu didn't withdraw or flinch. He was used to Hidan's brash attitude by now. Even if it just made the urge to punch him in the throat stronger. "There's one problem with that. We're out of money." Deidara's visible eye widened, and Hidan's face contorted in such a way that if a person hadn't been paying attention to him, they might've thought him cockeyed. "WHAT!?" He and Deidara chimed in unison. Kakuzu spoke. "Well if SOME OF YOU would do something besides sit flat of your hind ends, maybe we would have some funding, but it seems that I am the only one who goes out of my way to turn in bounties to make any money to keep this place going!" Deidara spoke up. "Well what drained the savings we had, hm?!" Kakuzu looked to him. "You weren't complaining about those antibiotics when you were lying in bed snotting around now were you?" Silence. He didn't know how to respond to that. Hidan sighed. "Well who do we gotta go kill in order to get some money?" Kakuzu spoke. "We can't take a bounty this last minute. We need money quickly. Hunting down a bounty takes time and resources that we do not have. I have just enough money saved up that we could get some supplies for the road and head out and gather some rare medicinal herbs that are in bloom this time of year to sell on the black market for some quick cash to get this place going again." Hidan spoke. "Fine! God, just tell us where to go!" Kakuzu glared at him even more. "You idiot, two of you can't go and just expect to get enough. Even on the black market, medicinal herbs are sold by the pound. It would take all of us in a collective effort to go and be able to gather enough to do any good." Deidara growled a bit and spoke once more. "That's going to be IMPOSSIBLE." Kakuzu finally exited his room seeing they weren't going to rest on the matter. "They'll go. Pain will make them go when he hears that we're out of funding." He headed towards his office.
After a brief discussion and some annoyance on Kakuzu's part, Pain organized everyone and had them get ready to go on the mission to refill their coffers. They went to the local shops getting enough supplies for their mission, and all of them followed Kakuzu's lead to get where it was that they needed to go since he had the map and knew what it was that they were looking for.
The trouble started when they were about an hour into their trip. Tobi, who even when in the final stages of recovery from a nasty illness had boundless energy, ran up to be beside of Kakuzu as they trudged along a trail headed for the land of fire. "This is so exciting! The Akatsuki's first ever GROUP ADVENTURE! This is going to be so much FUN! We'll play games, and we'll tell stories, and we'll sit around the campfire and sing songs, and-"
Kakuzu looked over. "For the love of God would you please SHUT UP!?" Hidan seconded the motion. "Yeah, Deidara, why don't you artsy fartsy types back there control your mutt?" He asked while looking back at the red head and blonde of the group from over his shoulder. Sasori, without missing a beat, responded. "Not my job." Deidara sighed with annoyance. "Tobi, this is going to be a long enough trip without you babbling on like a fool! Shut up and walk like everyone else!" Tobi turned and started to walk backwards. "You mean walk like you Deidara? Okay!" Tobi proceeded to turn around once more and do the most feminine catwalk strut that he could manage up the path in front of them all. While Kakuzu, Pain, and Sasori looked all the more annoyed, Kisame and Hidan on the other hand found it HILARIOUS. Both men burst into fits of laughter. Deidara on the other hand, was fuming. Tobi got about 15 feet in front of the group with this walk all the while making his own "diva music" before turning and striking a provocative pose by taking a very wide horse stance and gripping his crotch with one hand whilst the other hand came to rest innocently on his cheek. "If you've got it, FLAUNT IT DEIDARA-SENPAI!"
Deidara grit his teeth as he watched Tobi with annoyance and tried desperately to repress his urge to do great harm to this man whom he was sure had an elevator that didn't go all the way to the top floor. He was certain that it would not be smiled upon to harm the mentally challenged. He sometimes wondered how he even made an Akatsuki member. The current winning theory was that he was surrounded by a force field of ignorance that seemed to repel dangers just enough for him to luck by.
But during all this, the nail in the coffin for Deidara was when Itachi looked over as calm and collected as ever and met eyes with Deidara before speaking one sentence. "All you're missing is the drag." Deidara's eye twitched. "COME HERE TOBI!"
Tobi released a girlish squeal before turning to run both arms flailing above his head as he did so with Deidara in hot pursuit.
Things calmed down for a bit until the next day. Deidara and Tobi had calmed down, and his outbursts throughout the day had been minimal. Tobi had escaped Deidara's wrath with the least amount of injury possible which was nice because how could one pick herbs if they had a set of broken limbs? The issue began when it was time to stop somewhere for lunch and eat. To avoid a fight, when they entered the next town, Kakuzu insisted they eat at the cheapest possible place so that they could conserve their sparse funding. It just so happened that the cheapest place in town was a teppanyaki seafood restaurant.
Kisame stood outside staring up at the sign in complete disgust as the rest of the hungry Akatsuki members eagerly made their way inside to get some much needed nourishment. Seeing his unease, Deidara decided to get back at him for laughing at him when Tobi decided to have a fit the day prior. He spoke with a smirk on his face. "Come on Kisame, I'm sure they'll have SOMETHING on the menu that's not seafood. And if you don't want to watch them cook it, you don't have to." He said to him. Kisame looked over to him with a glare. "Why wouldn't I want to watch?" Deidara rose a brow. "You're basically green in the face. What's the matter? Can't handle the thoughts of a little fishy getting slaughtered?" He began to snicker. Kisame spoke. "Least I don't give myself hand jobs and pretend that I have a vagina. I've seen you in the mornings when you'd stand in front of the mirror with your dick tucked between your legs and pretend." Deidara looked dumbfounded. "I….I DO NOT!" He exclaimed his face red with a mixture of rage and embarrassment for there was only one possible way that Kisame knew that. Kisame had seen him standing in front of the mirror in the mornings when he had his dick tucked between his legs pretending. Kisame smirked. "You do. And you also leave the door open." With that he left Deidara standing outside and joined the rest inside.
Deidara came in and sat around the grill in the center where the man would be preparing their food for them. He just HAD to think of a way to get back at Kisame now. It was clear that he didn't want to be here. His very skin seemed to be crawling as he shifted on his seat between the arrogant Uchiha and their leader. It was then that he had a brilliant plan. While everyone else was placing their orders, he scoured the menu for a particular item. A devilish grin coated his features when he saw that they had it. He motioned the cook over to him and he spoke quietly. "My friend over there with the blue skin just LOVES seafood. Especially shark. I mean, look at him! He even wants to look like a shark! Today is his birthday, and I wanted to surprise him with his favorite dish." He said to him putting on a good act. "As you can see, he is a big guy, and he has a huge appetite, but he gets a little embarrassed when he orders so much of the same thing. Would it be too much to ask you to make a full spread of your shark based recipes for him on a sample platter? It is his favorite after all." The cook finding this to be a rather nice act for a friend smiled and spoke. "Of course. That can be arranged." Deidara grinned widely. "Thank you, I know it will just mean so much to him."
Nobody was the wiser to Deidara's plan. As expected while the food was being cooked and everyone else was being entertained by the chef, Kisame refused to watch and would instead busy himself looking down at the table or his hands, or out the windows. However, when his dish arrived, it demanded his attention. A whole slew of waitresses and waiters joined their chef in surrounding Kisame as they produced a cake from seemingly nowhere and served his dish up to him. His eyes widened and he seemed to look even more uncomfortable, if that was humanly possible, whilst they began to sing him the happy birthday song and clap. Kisame's eyes trailed down to the various shark dishes in front of him. Shark fin soup, some sushi rolls with shark in them, grilled shark, they'd even made the cake to look like a shark! Deidara couldn't contain his grin, but he did try to keep his snickers to a minimum as he watched the scene unfold. Kisame seemed to pale a few shades as the chef produced a large knife to cut him some cake. He seemed to hold it together for a moment…until he saw that the cake was red velvet. Then he proceeded to turn and try to stand and run outside to empty his stomach, but he wound up projectile vomiting all over Pain, Konan, and Hidan who had been sitting on his other side. The others stared on dumbfounded at the unfolding events whilst Deidara could no longer hold his laughter much like Hidan could not hold in the stream of curse words that exited his mouth as he was puked upon. The other customers around started to leave, and some even got sick themselves. He'd managed to disrupt the whole place. The chef exploded in anger as he turned towards where Deidara was sitting alongside his partner, Sasori. "You filthy IMBECILE! You all are going to clean this mess! You've ruined my store!" Sasori looked up at him as he sat there polishing puppet parts from his bag like nothing had just transpired. He couldn't eat, so he made use of the time by doing upkeep on his mechanisms. "Not my job." He stated simply before rising from his seat and following the rest of their crew out. They weren't invited back.
The following day wasn't much better. Tensions were high after traveling for two days with one another, and Kakuzu was about to have his fill of it. The sooner they got to where they were going the better. So he decided that he would take them through a shortcut. This particular shortcut just so happened to be straight through a cavern that let out on the other side of a mountain.
They all come up to the entrance of the cave where Kakuzu started to walk in fearlessly and without any explanation as to why they were headed this direction. It was cause for pause in some of the members. Hidan spoke up. "Hey, Kakuzu, I thought we were picking wild herbs not going cave diving for shrooms?" Kakuzu paused and pinched the bridge of his nose. How did he know that Hidan would be the one to open his mouth about it? After a moment of silence, he turned to face the rest of the troop. "We're taking a shortcut through the mountain." He stated simply.
"How long of a shortcut is this? Hm." Deidara spoke. Kakuzu sighed in annoyance and spoke hatefully. "It is obviously shorter than the OTHER route now isn't it? Thus it being a SHORT. CUT."
Pain broke up the coming argument by speaking. "Everyone just shut up and get in the hole. I don't want to hear a peep out of any of you. Just. Get. In. The. Hole."
Not wishing to disobey their leader for fear of the punishment, they all complied. After about an hour of trekking through mostly darkness with only Zetsu, who'd weirdly sprouted a fluorescent mixture of moss and mushrooms on his venus fly trap, to provide light. After the hour had passed of smooth travel, they began to hear noises. A thud would sound like a heavy footstep and everyone would stop to listen. Nothing. A few more minutes and another thud. Everyone stopped and once again there was nothing. This process repeated until finally Deidara growled and burst out.
"WHAT in the love of GOD is that noise!? Yeah?!" Tobi was the first to answer thrusting his hand into the air like an excited academy student. "OH! OOH! PICK ME DEIDARA SENPAI~ PICK MEEEE!" He glared over at him with a near insatiable lust for punching him square in the nose if it weren't protected by that god-forsaken mask. "What Tobi?" He growled out. Tobi continued to hold his hand in the air while he spoke. "It just has to be some sort of an underground monster we can fight! Maybe it's a giant mole, or a giant bat! Or a giant worm..." Deidara punched him on the head in spite of his best attempts not to. "Or YOU'RE a giant IDIOT!"
The fight was dispersed by Kisame speaking. "Has anyone seen Itachi?"
There was a brief pause where everyone glanced around for him before another thud broke up the group's confusion, this time right behind them. They all turned to see what the noise was to find Itachi stepping back from a stalagmite and holding his head. The group stared at him in confusion for a moment before he wandered closer to Zetsu's light to come to a stop by Konan. They were all surprised that the great Itachi Uchiha from the leaf had just done something so absurd.
Hidan finally said what was on everyone's mind. "Itachi...What the actual f***?" Itachi tilted his head that direction. "What?" Hidan continued to stare at him before slowly a grin forced its way onto his face and he started laughing hysterically while holding his sides. "T-the noise was him all along!" He managed amidst his laughter. Kakuzu, who was thoroughly annoyed at this point, demanded an explanation. "What are you talking about Hidan?" Hidan wiped at a tear leaking form his eye. "J-just look at the poor man's forehead." All along his forehead protector and his face were scraps and bruises where he'd ran into various walls along the way at the tail end of the group. A couple of others such as Deidara, Tobi, and Kisame burst out laughing with him as well. Itachi looked very displeased, but he didn't speak to any of them. He was too level headed for that.
Sighing, Pain looked to Sasori. "Sasori, use your chakra strings to guide him through that way we don't have anyone lagging behind leading a near blind man." Sasori looked back at him without a blink before speaking. "Not my job." Staring him down for a moment, Pain just sighed and looked to Kisame. "Grab your partner and come on. Kakuzu, get us out of here." Kisame sighed and grabbed the Uchiha by the wrist who was having difficulty in the low light starting out of the cave with the others.
Tensions had continued to rise like this until the present when Hidan had sparked a fight because of his Jashin rituals. They were in the home stretch and Hidan had finally caught back up with the rest of the group albeit with a large knot on his head from being hit by Pain. Everyone was trudging in relative silence just ready for this mission to be through.
Rolling the map back up, Kakuzu addressed the rest of them. "Alright, we're nearly there. It should be just ahead through these trees and in a clearing." He informed. Hidan gave a groan of relief. "F***ing finally!" Deidara shared his sentiments. "Thank God, I thought this trip was never going to end, hm."
As they broke into the clearing, a horrid and strange noise erupted from Zetsu. A loud squeal that could be mistaken as a scream of anguish came from his white side's throat as his hands rose to rest on his cheeks in awe. The whole group turned to look at the weirdo as the noise he was making finally ceased. He took a running go as his venus fly trap split open to reveal his body and he made a flying leap to land in the coveted plants and began to roll in them as if it were catnip and he were a feline. But perhaps the most shocking part of it all was when the rest of the group looked back forward to see what exactly it was that Zetsu was rolling in only to find a vast field of marijuana growing. Zetsu upgraded from squealing like a dying creature to laughing like a madman whilst everyone else stared at him unsure how to proceed with his current behavior. Finally, he sat up and faced them all staring for a silent moment with a grin plastered across his face that appeared to be just a hint too wide for it. Then as loudly as he could letting his voice echo off of the trees in the forest surrounding the clearing, both sides proclaimed, "THIS IS SOME DANK KUSH!"
Pain looked over to Kakuzu furiously. "You brought us along with you to harvest WEED!?" Kakuzu looked back at him unfazed. "You wanted quick money, this gets us quick money." He informed as he produced a sack and started to go into the field plucking buds from the plants. Pain followed his form with his eyes and spoke. "You told me that we were going after MEDICINAL HERBS!" Kakuzu looked at him. "This is medicinal. Think of it as a natural benzodiazepine…And apparently an aphrodisiac." He said giving Zetsu a glance before moving on. Pain looked after him as he continued picking before releasing a sigh and pinching the bridge of his nose. The rest of the group was still either staring at Zetsu jizzing himself in excitement whilst rolling about in the pot, or waiting to see what happened with Kakuzu and Pain. Finally Pain just turned to address the rest of them to find them standing there aimlessly. "Well what are you lot standing there for?! Get to picking!" As Sasori passed by Pain he looked between him and Zetsu before stating plainly, "Not my job." Then he joined the others in picking weed.
With that everyone took out their own sacks and started picking the buds from the marijuana plants that were in the field around them. They left Zetsu to his own thing. Mainly because none of them felt inclined to go after him and try to stop him, and it clearly wasn't Sasori's job. Kisame got a mean streak, however, and he picked an exceptionally large bud and approached Itachi. "Hey Itachi, why don't you smoke this? It might help your glaucoma." Itachi simply narrowed his eyes and tried to ignore him while snickering broke out behind him from Hidan and Deidara. Deidara looked back at Kisame. "Maybe you should smoke some? It could give you the munchies so you can eat your dinner this time around." Kisame jerked his head to look at him. "I oughta-" Pain cut them off. "CUT THE CRAP AND PICK THE WEED!" He was thoroughly done with their bull crap.
When they'd all filled their respective bags of reefer and were ready to go and sell it off at a black market, they departed and traveled another couple of hours to one that was nearby. When they got there Kakuzu moved to a buyer and struck up a deal with him whilst the others waited. When he returned he looked puzzled seeing them all empty handed. "Where's the weed?" Hidan looked to his questioning partner. "We piled it up over there." He motioned over his shoulder with his thumb. He looked to find Zetsu sitting alongside of 9 empty sacks and dumping a tenth into his mouth with reckless abandon. "ARE YOU SERIOUS!?" He screeched as he saw the man polish off what was left of their five-day trip and hard work. They all looked and an audible groan came from each member in turn. Tobi instead giggled madly. "YAY! We get to adventure even more TOGETHER! BACK TO THE GARDEN!" Grabbing his sack from the empty pile, he ran out of the market to go back to the marijuana field.
And so they returned to the marijuana field and repeated their process. But this time, they forbid Zetsu from touching any of the supply. After a long trek back to the market, and then another five day trip of excruciating company back to the base with groceries now in hand, Kakuzu sat in his office at his desk counting the bills they'd acquired in this trip. Had the money been worth it? Of course. Money was always worth it. But had losing a chunk of his sanity? No. No it hadn't. At least the trip was over. He did gain two things out of it though, and that was that he was never, EVER going to send them all on a group trip to do anything ever again. And the next time everyone ended up sick, he was going to let them suffer and die before he wasted his money on antibiotics.