The Turnaround
I guess what it comes down to is that is just… I just don't understand.
He's cruel. He's callous. He's nasty. He has always had moments like that, especially when he's hurting and lashing out. But now there's seems to be no reason. He genuinely seems to mean what he says to me.
It doesn't help that Wallowski's around. I can't help but fear that she'll get him involved in something that will damage the reputation of this company, or worse, will endanger Cal. But he won't listen. He insists on defending her to me. And it hurts. I can actually feel an ache in my chest whenever my thoughts wander to his betrayal. He chose her over me. He put my professional reputation and my personal integrity on the line to save the detective he barely knew. And then, he had the temerity to lecture me on loyalty.
I worry every day. When I enter the building, I feel real apprehension that someone else will be sitting in my office, that Cal will have finally replaced me. Sure, legally the only way to end our partnership is for him to buy me out, which is neither something that he can afford, nor something to which I would agree. But he knows people. People who can be underhand, who can threaten me…
I hate to think that Cal would do such a thing to me, especially since he's protected me before. But given his actions of the past few weeks, now, I just don't know.
Sometimes I think it's me. When he's done something particularly cruel, reducing me to spending the evening in tears… Sometimes I blame myself. Ultimately, I do have a track record. I wasn't enough to prevent my father from spending my childhood in an alcoholic daze. My longest and my serious boyfriend of my university years cheated on me with my then-best friend. I wasn't enough for him, and clearly my friendship wasn't enough for Rachel to turn down his advances. They're married now…
The next, and perhaps most striking evidence of my lack of worth, is Alec. I spent years in an unhappy marriage. Again, I wasn't enough. The money he spent on cocaine. The time he spent in euphoric highs, and the time I spent dealing with everything his lows brought about. It still really, really hurts when I think of how our marriage quickly turned sour. I wonder how big a part my inability to conceive played in the disintegration of our relationship. After all, I was the reason we couldn't have a child naturally, I was the reason for the months spent anxiously waiting on test results and hospital examinations. I was the reason we adopted a beautiful baby girl. If it hadn't been for me, Alec never would have lost a daughter.
I dated on and off after Alec and I divorced. Nothing came of them, aside from a handful of dinners and a couple of films. Nothing until Dave Burns. I loved him. I really did. Even after I found out he lied to me. That stung, but I could understand his reasons. It's only when I'm at my very lowest that I find a way to blame myself for his departure. Yeah, self-pity; even psychologists can indulge occasionally. But still, he left. Without saying goodbye. He turned around, and he left.
And now we're back to Cal. He's my business partner. He is my best friend. We're fiercely loyal to each other. He was more of a support when little Sophie was taken away than my own husband. He's saved me from explosions, stepped in front of me when grief-stricken husbands came into our offices wielding guns. I in turn went from psychologist to confident. I talk him down (though I'm not always entirely successful) from taking risks with his life. I provide a sounding board for his concerns about his daughter. And I'm gradually chipping away at the guilt he holds over his mother's suicide.
But recently there's been a complete turnaround in his loyalty and feelings towards me. I can't blame Wallowski's arrival for that. He started hurting me before she arrived. And I just can't understand.
But now, a bottle of wine and half a box of tissues into my evening, I've come to a conclusion. A part of me is sober enough to suggest that I probably am overacting. But the bigger, alcohol fuelled part of me takes my theory and runs rampant with it…
Perhaps it's his favourite technique; the ultimate long-con. Befriend me, use my expertise and finances to start a company together (a company which he clearly believes is entirely his to run and do with as he pleases), keep feeding me enough affection and protective actions to continue my belief in our friendship. Until one day he no longer needs me, doesn't want me around anymore. The false emotions stop. The false loyalty is dropped. Now all he needs is for me to leave. Whether that's by not-so subtle hints and encouragement…
Or by force.
Fin
A/N: So there it is. There's not much substance, it's a departure from my usual style, and it's the first fic I've written in first person. But I just wanted to get drunk and upset Gillian's thoughts down.
Anyway, thank you for reading. I'd be interested to hear what you think.
'The Turnaround' is a song by The Joy Formidable. Have a listen, it's beautiful.