To The Core, a law and order: ci fanfic

"To the Core"

Usual disclaimers apply.

LOCI Timeline: Any time, Season Seven.

My Timeline: Post "Cowboys, Pair of Kings".

A/N: Again for Podie, the lady now prodding the muse.

oOo

It was the best of days.

If it were a Sunday, it would have been perfect. Sundays were ideal for days at the beach in Summer, skating in Central Park in Winter, or for just sleeping in, whatever the season. But any day was the best of days when your day off from work coincided with your lover's.

Carolyn slid out of their now empty bed and went in search of a cup of brewed coffee, the morning newspaper and her delectable man, and not necessarily in that order.

She smelt the coffee as soon as she hit the hallway from the bathroom, spied her man hunched over the dining table, reading, and after briefly greeting him, to which she merely got a grunt, slipped into the kitchen for her first cup of the day.

Nestling between her palms her favorite mug now full of hot aromatic coffee, she joined Mike in the dining room and leaned into him to kiss his neck where his T-shirt collar ended.

"You're not gonna work on your day off?" she asked, half-joking, half-fearful. She had other diversions in mind and poring over the opened file in front of him wasn't one of them.

"Nuh." He closed the file and pushed it away to sit back in the chair, turning his head to look at her. "I was lookin' for some blank paper in your writing-thingy or whatever ya call it." He waved a hand toward her mahogany writing bureau against the eastern wall of their apartment. "I came across this file instead." He jerked his head toward the closed folder.

Carolyn leaned forward to study its title and froze, her heart bottoming.

"Didn't know ya kept a copy," Mike said flatly. "Don't see why you'd keep a copy."

Sliding a culpable look at him, Carolyn bit her lip, picked up the file and returned it to the opened bureau, lowering its fall front slowly and deliberately, buying time.

"I requested a copy soon after the shooting," she swallowed hard over the words. "I wanted to be sure they got it right."

"Because most of it was your testimony?" The flatness in his voice had an edge to it now.

Leaning against the bureau, Carolyn took a long drink of her coffee, thinking ahead, treading carefully.

He was right. There was no good reason why she'd have a copy of the documents from the inquiry into Mike's fatal shooting of Officer Bone Tarkman, an undercover cop who failed to identify himself during a highly-charged situation. She might have been his partner at the time, but that was all. They hadn't yet developed a personal relationship which might have given her a vested interest in requesting any of his personnel files. For a partner to sequester it, it smacked of her doubting the validity of its content.

"Because I… felt… inadequate at the time. Like I could have done more…to help you… through it." It sounded lame to her own ears, but her heart was in her throat, the half-forgotten shame and guilt rising with her pulse.

"Inadequate?" he repeated, and Carolyn shrunk a little at the iron thread in the question. This wasn't her Mikey talking. This was Logan, seasoned detective and interrogator, made more dangerous by an opened wound beginning to bleed again. "Ya left me out to dry that night, if I remember."

"I…I was…in shock. It was the last thing…I expected…to ever happen. To me. To my partner—" It was weak of her, but she couldn't meet his eyes. Scrabbling to find something to exonerate herself, she opened her mouth without thinking first. "I sat in the gutter with you! What more—?"

"What more?!" He slapped his open palms onto the table top. "I was reeling! I was in a…a… state of suspension of belief and sure, ya sat with me, but I felt like a leper. You looked like ya wanted to be anywhere else but with me."

"I…oh god! Mike." She looked at him now, pouring all of her love into her face and her words to try and make him see how she felt back then. "What could I do? I didn't know what—!" She took a breath and tried again. "You were my partner, and I had to keep a distance… a partner's distance, when I really wanted to wrap my arms around you and hug you against me. I could…couldn't." Her throat tortured, tears were at the back of her eyes, dangerously close to spilling.

Mike thumped his elbows on the table, lowering his head to run his hands through his hair. "Then…then in the bar…later— You shot…me…down. I was only joking…"

Carolyn put down her coffee mug and leaned over the table, grabbing both his wrists and pulling his hands away from his face. She looked deep into eyes that were hurting, the steel Logan gone, replaced by a vulnerable man who wasn't used to rejection.

"You mean that offer to stay at your place?! What the hell was that anyway?" Reaction was hitting her, sparking an anger of her own.

"An offer!" he snarled. "That's all. Okay? Ya didn't have to go an' get all puritan on me."

"I didn't… Did I?" Carolyn wasn't sure. She remembered his suggesting she stay at his place and how the thought had been so tempting she couldn't think straight. It had rocked her. She had no way of knowing if anything would have happened, but the way she had felt about him even then, and based on his reputation, it easily could have escalated into a barriers down, gloves off, all night fucking.

Carolyn shivered. "What…what did you do…after I left?"

His chin tucked into his chest, Mike's eyes darted to her in defiance. "I picked up a red-head." He shrugged. "Or technically, she picked up me."

Carolyn gasped. "I didn't know–!"

"Yeah, well, nothin' happened. She was so drunk I changed my mind. I like easy, but I don't like pass-outs."

Carolyn stiffened at his intentional and cutting cruelty. It was an unappealing side of her man that she knew existed, but hadn't yet had the occasion to experience.

"I rang Liz Olivet instead," he said, stretching, then rubbed his eyes with his fingers. "That's where I was in the early hours of the mornin' you called."

"You slept with Liz?!" Carolyn gasped, the knowledge spearing her to the heart. She knew he and Liz were good friends, long-time friends, but didn't realize there was more to it.

"No!" Mike pushed himself from the table, and spun around, angry rapid steps taking him away from her. Carolyn felt her jaw drop at how quickly the situation had exploded. All because of her keeping that file.

Her limbs unlocking, she caught up with him in the kitchen. He was reaching into the cupboard for a cup when she grabbed his shoulder and spun him around, rapidly searching his face, aghast at how things were accelerating out of control.

"What…what's goin' on?" she demanded.

"I…" He closed his eyes but not before she saw the horror relived in them. "I can't get past it…not yet…I…I shot a cop, Carolyn! I fuckin' killed a cop!"

His loathing of himself slammed a door on her. She watched in terror as he emotionally withdrew from her, his mouth thinning, chin lifting, shrugging from her grasp. She had no idea the incident still haunted him, but realized it wasn't so unreasonable.

Carolyn did what she should have done nearly two years ago. She hauled his resisting body into her arms, and dragged his head down to her breast, cradling him there with soothing, nonsense words and frantic strokes of her hand down his back.

"Oh, my love, my poor love. You gotta let it out. Now, hon. Let it out."

He clung to her, his hands hard on her hips, desperately pressing her to him. Grabbing her waist, he hoisted her onto the kitchen table and buried his face in her neck. His face was wet with tears, his hands fumbling under her tank top and she pushed at the waistband of his sweat pants.

"Yessss, Mike. Do it. Rid yourself." She grabbed his face and dragged his mouth to hers. "I want it," she ordered, feeding from his lips. "I wanted it then. I want it now."

oOo

A/N: I just ramped up their relationship a little. Can't have all sweet love and kisses all of the time. So, Podie, does that shed a little light on how my Carolyn reacted to the events of "To The Bone"?