Meant to Live

I observed the sunlight peeping through the leaves of the tree that towered over me; I watched a bird fly away from a branch when I neared it. I watched the sky cloud over, and I felt the rain trickle down my arm as the sky suddenly darkened. I waited, listening as the thunder cracked through the sky, and then lightning ripped through the heavens. And the animals that had been out vanished from the woods. And I looked up, vision blurring as rain droplets landed on my up tilt face. And I smiled; this was as good a place as any. There were no corpses out, nothing around me that could hurt me. Not anymore, I was finally free to do what I wished.

I finally had control of my life.

It was odd, a new feeling that raced through me. But I was free, and everything up until this point didn't matter anymore. I was happy. Everything balanced on this decision, which I had thought over and over. But I had made up my mind; it was time to go. That sliver of hope was finally gone, and I didn't feel it surfacing as I dropped to the ground, taking the hunting knife from my belt.

I half expected it to pop back up into my head, but it didn't. And a part of me wanted it to. I wanted to hold on, just one more day. You can go one more day; it could be different tomorrow. Something could change; things could get better. But as I felt it starting to make its presence known, I shoved it back down. Why should I wait one more day? Why keep going when I've gone this long? Hadn't I gone on by myself long enough? But it countered, saying if I had made it this long I would be throwing it away for nothing. But I didn't want to keep doing what I knew wasn't working; I was playing a game I was ready to quit.

I felt the blade touch my skin, but it didn't feel wrong. I closed my eyes tight, feeling my skin splitting in two. I gripped the handle tightly, dragging it down the length of my arm. It burned, but the rain started to wash the pain away. There's no going back! What have you done? You can't just give up when you've been fighting this long. You're letting yourself win, Brooke. You're taking the easy way out. Why?

"Because there's no point!" I screamed, looking to the clouds as thunder crackled.

There is a point; you're alive for a reason. You can't give up; you can't just throw it all away.

"Why not?" I asked, staring down at my arm. I watched the rain swirl with the ruby red, watched it drip down my arm to the leaves covering the forest floor.

Don't you see? You've nearly come to the best part.

I scrunched my nose up in confusion, looking around to realize I was alone. I was talking to myself again. Tears welled up it my eyes, and I blinked, sending it splashing to my arm. And I had realized what I had just done. I threw my knife to the ground, and ripped at my shirt; tearing apiece off and tying it around my arm.

"I don't want to die," I said to myself, I wanted to believe it. I had to make myself believe it.

I stood up, pushing off the tree I had sat against. I had never been this lost; I had never come to this point. This was dark; this was what my mind had come to. And it was twisted and ugly... and real.

I picked up my knife, wiping it aimlessly against my pants. Thunder crackled again, but as I waited for the lightning strike to follow, I realized that was not thunder. That was a gun going off. I fassened my knife back into the side of my belt the best i could, holding my cut up arm close against my soaked shirt. I started to walk toward the noise, weary of the corpses that could be lurking around. It seemed like ages until I maid it up a hill, and through the thick foliage of the trees you could see it.

A prison.

It was so simple yet so complex all in itself. I bet no one would have thought about living in a prison. I walked closer, winding around the corpses as they lunged at me. They were a lot slower than they normally would be, all crowded together in clumps. I guess they were finally getting tired of walking around aimlessly; they were beginning to wear down to nothing. I broke out into a teary smile, waving my arm in the air, keeping my bandaged one to my side. "Hey!" I yelled, voice cracking, trying to get the shooters attention. They had to of spotted me right away, because as I walked on wobbly knees they cleared a path for me.

I started coughing, wrapping my arms around my stomach as I involuntarily bent over, retching. A rush went up my spine, and I stumbled to the ground, fisting the grass to try and stay up. I pushed myself up onto my elbows, feeling like I couldn't breathe. I didn't want to fall over, especially if I was in the open like this. I looked at my wrapped arm, and saw the cloth had bled through, and now the blood had started to run down my arm to the grass below.

My dark hair stuck to my face and neck, and my clothes felt like they were weighing me down. I turned my head, eyes fixing on a corpse that was limping toward me. Its skin was ripped at the mouth, teeth bared. I looked up, back to the fences that weren't but maybe five yards away. Two people ran to the other side, pulling down on a thick rope that connected to some sort of lever. When the gates opened, a woman ran to me. She yelled back at the fence, and the man that had come with her ran back from the rope and toward the prison. I watched her take aim at a few corpses with my vision going out of focus, and the gunshots echoed. She started to run to me, and my arms gave out, making me fall onto the hard ground. I turned my head toward her, lying in the mud and grass on my chest.

When she reached me, she tried to help me stand by pulling me up from under my arms, but I fell back to the ground. It felt like a ton of bricks were weighing me down. I stared up at her, not hearing a word she had said. It was all a blur, and her words ran together in inaudible sentences. I stared into her eyes, my own drooping. The last thing I remembered was her yelling at me, for what I didn't know. My eyes closed shut, and sleep washed over me.

Is this what you wanted? Because you got it, there's no going back now.

And this is how it looks when I am standing on the edge

And this is how I break apart when I finally hit the ground

And this is how it hurts when I pretend I don't feel any pain

And this is how I disappear when I throw myself away