This little one-shot is based off The Amazing World of Gumball episode "The Tape". No, this isn't a SU and TAWoG crossover, this is a Steven Universe version of "The Tape" with Amazonite and Aquamarine. I also added in a few of my own clips I made up at the end.
Characters created by: Rebecca Sugar
[*]
Static for a few seconds, then showing 10 year old Aquamarine in Amazonite and Aquamarine's room, standing in a chair.
"Hi, my name is um. Ugh."
*skip*
"Hi, my name is Achamatine Unovise. Ugh!"
*skip*
"Hi, my name is Aquamarine Universe, and this flim-and this fil-flim-UH, CURSE WORD!"
*skip*
"Hi, my name is Aquamarine Universe, and this Aquamarine's about-"
*skip*
"Uh...uh…"
"Oh come on dude, how hard can this be?" said 12 year old Amazonite from behind the camera.
*skip*
It now showed Amazonite sitting in the chair, looking away from the camera.
"Oh hi *crack* EH EH...Hmm…"
*skip*
"Ok, one, two, three. Hi my name's Achamaquine Onivorse, and this is a thing about, when the people do that, and..then..then they do that, and it's about the film where we show who it is..that-"
"Again, from the top." said Amazonite from behind the camera.
*skip*
"Yes, yes, finally! Nailed it!" said Aquamarine.
Amazonite then got in front of the camera and hugged Aquamarine, them both laughing. After they stopped laughing, Amazonite's face turned to a look of confusion.
"Wait, is the light supposed to be on when it's recording, or?" said Amazonite.
Both looked down at the floor in defeat.
*skip*
The camera now showed the front entrance to Evergreen Valley Middle School.
"This is my school, Evergreen Valley Middle School," said Amazonite, "and this is the story of my life."
The camera cut to inside the Universe Residence, showing Steven, watching TV, then looking to the camera and smiling. Then, Connie, Turquoise, and Aquamarine popped up from behind the couch and smiled.
"Starring, the Universe family as the Universe family!" said Amazonite, "Jeffrey Allison as my best friend! Caesar Jefferson as Caesar!"
"Not to be confused with Julius Caesar." said Caesar.
"John Furlong as the principal." said Amazonite, "Doug and Priyanka Maheswaran as our grandparents. The Crystal Gems as The Crystal Gems! This guy as This Guy! And introducing all my other friends in The Amazing World Of-ah, forget it, who's gonna watch that?"
*static*
The camera now showed the Crystal Gem Temple, with Amethyst sleeping on the couch.
"And here we are," said Amazonite, "in the natural habitat of the Amethystus Party Rockus, spending today, as she does everyday, sheltering herself from responsibility. But what's this?"
Amethyst woke up, smelling something.
"It seems a nearby Pearlus Hystericus is marveling over its food, a cake that is ready for the Turquoisus Slibingus' Birthday. The Amethystus will be keen to scavenge, it is essential she evades discovery."
Amethyst started sneaking up behind Pearl in the kitchen.
"She knows that despite her ability to summon whips, she's no match for the physical abilities of the elegant Pearlus. She does not want to wait for the party, she knows that she wouldn't be allowed to eat this cake until the party. Her timing must be perfect, so she waits. And she strikes!"
Amethyst then tries to grab the plate with the cake on it, but Pearl notices her.
"The Amethystus' attempt to steal the Pearlus' hard work has failed." said Amazonite, "The Pearlus will give chase."
"Get back here, Amethyst!" said Pearl, "You can't eat it until the party!"
"Things are looking bad for the Amethystus," said Amazonite, "However, nature has given her a great power that she can use when she feels threatened."
Amethyst then shapeshifts into a bird and flies around the house, to which Pearl chases.
"The Amethystus seizes its chance and retreats to its den." said Amazonite.
"Amethyst." said Pearl, chasing after Amethyst.
"The Pearlus defends her territory, but in doing so commits another mistake." said Amazonite.
The camera cuts to Jasper eating the cake, looking back frequently to see if Pearl has returned yet.
"In this ruthless ecosystem the unguarded cake is quickly claimed by the vultures." said Amazonite.
*static*
The camera now shows a blurry image of Amethyst.
"Ok, prepare yourself." said Amethyst, "3D without glasses. What I want you to do is just focus on my eyes until your vision adjusts. Now, it takes a little time, and you might need to get a little closer to the screen. The best distance is normally about three inches. Now keep watching until the 3D effect kicks in. Keep looking, almost there, almost, there we-"
Suddenly, Amethyst shapeshifted into a giant tarantula. Amethyst hysterically laughed.
*static*
The camera now showed a white wall.
"Why are we hiding?" said Amazonite from behind the camera.
"Shh, just look at him." said Aquamarine.
The camera moved to the left a bit and showed the school hallway. At the end of the hall, in front of a vending machine was Onion Jr., the son of Onion. Onion Jr. took out a drill and quickly unscrewed part of the glass, then stuck his hand in there and grabbed a soda.
"What's he doing?!" said Amazonite.
Onion Jr. then put the screw back in its proper place. Onion Jr. then walked away, soda in hand.
"Man, I was gonna get one if he kept it unscrewed." said Amazonite.
The camera now cut Onion Jr. in a classroom.
"You may now start your tests." said the teacher.
Onion Jr.'s desk was right in front of the teacher's desk. Onion Jr. looked at the teacher, who was reading a book. Onion Jr. looked to a paper of the correct test answers and begun writing on his test paper.
"Dude, he's totally cheating real life." said Amazonite.
The camera cut to Onion Jr. next to others on a concrete track over at the school stadium. Onion Jr. dropped a pen in front of one of the runners. The coach blowed a whistle, and one runner tripped on the pen, leaving Onion Jr. to run with the others.
*static*
The camera now showed Jeffrey Allison looking to the camera.
"Hi, I'm Jeffrey Allison, and a lot of people ask me "Can you teach me to be as cool as you?", And I say "No, you'll never be as cool as me". But I can teach you to be cooler than you, and just maybe you'll be a hit with the ladies like me!"
A girl then walked past Jeffrey.
"What up sunSHINE!" said Jeffrey as he attempted to put his left arm on his locker, but it was already open and he fell in.
The camera cut to Jeffrey in the gym, infront of weights.
"Booyah!" said Jeffrey, "If you wanna get dates you gotta pump weights, cause girls can't deny a guy that's this fly. So let's get some muscles and score some girls from..like..Brussels..or something. Let's do this!"
Jeffrey grabbed the weights, but could not lift them.
The camera cut to Jeffrey lifting smaller weights.
"Yeah, that's what I'm talking about!" said Jeffrey.
The camera cut to Jeffrey in the bleachers of the school stadium. Behind him were a few girls talking to each other.
"If there's one things girls love, it's cash, so you gotta make it rain." said Jeffrey.
Jeffrey reached into his pocket and threw out coins, raining on the girl.
"That's right." said Jeffrey.
"Chipped my tooth." said one of the girls.
The camera cut to Jeffrey outside the school.
"Now I've got the look, all I need is the lady." said Jeffrey.
Just then, a girl walked past Jeffrey.
"Ehem." said Jeffrey.
The girl stopped and turned around to Jeffrey.
"Hey beautiful," said Jeffrey, "you have a quarter? Cause I told my mom I'd call her when I fell in love."
"Uh, no, I'm sorry I don't," said the girl, "but you can use my cellphone."
The girl gave Jeffrey her cellphone. Jeffrey embarrassingly dialed the number and held the phone to his ear.
"Hey...mom…" said Jeffrey, "uh, could you come pick me up early today cause uh...I'm kind of embarrassed."
Jeffrey hung up the phone and gave it back to the girl.
"Thanks…" said Jeffrey.
"No worries." said the girl.
"Uh, see you later." whispered Jeffrey, who walked away.
The camera turned to show Jeffrey slowly walking away.
"Jeffrey, where you going dude?!" shouted Amazonite from behind the camera, "Jeffrey! Ah come on."
*static*
The camera then cut to Amazonite and Aquamarine holding a sign that says "Commercial Break".
"Dududu, commercial break." said both Amazonite and Aquamarine simultaneously.
The camera cut to Amazonite in front of a mirror. Amazonite then turned around.
"People always ask me "How do you look so horrible? Is it natural?". Well, here's my secret." said Amazonite, "Crem De Hugh! With active ingredients including fridge mold and hand sweat…"
The camera then cut to Aquamarine placing fridge mold into a plastic bag and giving a thumbs up in front of the camera.
"Its pimple inducing formula is guaranteed to keep your skin oily and rank." said Amazonite, "Crem De Hugh: For him and for hugh."
The camera then cut to Amethyst, sitting on a pillow, with an angry face.
"It's Baby...Amethyst...the living baby doll." said Amazonite and Aquamarine at the same time.
The camera cut to Amazonite wearing brown girl hair wig next to Amethyst, while he's holding a cookie.
"She likes to eat her cookies." said Amazonite.
"It's Baby...Amethyst...the living baby doll." said Amazonite and Aquamarine again while Amazonite tried to feed Amethyst the cookie, but breaking it, as Amethyst kept her angry face and not opening her mouth.
"She likes to drink milk." said Aquamarine, wearing a blonde girl hair wig, also holding a bottle of milk, "She's really drinking it."
Then, Amethyst spit the milk into Aquamarine's face. The camera cut to Amazonite and Aquamarine outside, with Aquamarine holding Amethyst.
"It's Baby...Amethyst...the living baby-"
Suddenly, Amethyst started rapidly karate chopping Amazonite's face.
"Ugh, forget it man, let's just try something else." said Aquamarine.
"No no no," aid Amazonite, "this gave me an idea."
The camera then cut to some trash bags.
"Bernernernerner…" said Amazonite.
Suddenly, Amethyst karate chopped through the trash bags.
"It's the annihilator!" said Amazonite, "With realistic kung fu karate chop action! She can break anything with a chubby hand! Nothing can resist her! Cars, trees, bricks, houses, her own face! It's the annihilator!"
The camera then cut to a TV screen showing an explosion. Then, Amazonite was holding a sign that says "Commercial Break".
"Dudududu, commercial break." said both Amazonite and Aquamarine.
*static*
The camera now showed Aquamarine in front of the camera.
"Come on, hurt yourself." said Amazonite from behind the camera.
"What, why?" said Aquamarine.
"Cause that's what people want man," said Amazonite, "Alright, then look cute. People like to laugh at people who get hurt and cute pets."
"Ugh, alright," said Aquamarine.
Aquamarine smiled.
"You call that cute?" said Amazonite.
"What, you think you can do better?" said Aquamarine.
"I'll show you cute." said Amazonite, who walked up in front of the camera.
Amazonite gave his cute face.
"Alright, if that's what you want." said Aquamarine, "Cute combo attack!"
Aquamarine gave multiple cute faces. It was overwhelming for Amazonite.
"Ah! The cuteness! It's too much." said Amazonite, who fell face first onto the floor.
"Ah, this is stupid!" said Aquamarine, "We got a chance here to do something that matters, and we're just trying to please the masses."
laughinsohard: "That's basically the whole point of this story, lol."
"Then what would you do?" said Amazonite, his face still planted into the floor.
"I'll show you." said Aquamarine.
The camera then cut to fast forward footage of a field with a tree in the middle, and clouds rapidly moving and changing shape.
"Life…" said Amazonite.
Then fast forward image of people walking on the street.
"People…"
Then fast forward image of cars driving down a highway.
"And one question to drive it…"
Then an image of lightspeed past stars and galaxies.
"Why?"
Then an image of the Sun and the planets that orbit it.
"We look out into space for an answer...but just find spheres orbiting spheres…"
Then an image of an atom.
"We look inside ourselves for an answer...but just find spheres orbiting sphere…"
Then it showed Aquamarine wearing a tin foil hat with a stick and a chart.
"Coincidence?" said Aquamarine, "Think about it. Look at this peanut, doesn't it look a lot like an eight? And look, turn it a little, and what do you get? Infinity finity finity. Are we ruled by nature? Mathematics? Or-"
Suddenly, Amethyst karate chopped the chart.
"The annihilator!" said Amazonite.
*static*
"Samurai John Two!" said Aquamarine, "Samurai John!"
"Yes Colonel?" said Amazonite.
"You have to help us defeat evil once again." said Aquamarine, wearing a Colonel's hat and sunglasses.
"I can't," said Amazonite, wearing a samurai helmet, "I promised I would never raise my fists again."
Amazonite then lifted his foot, which was holding a sandwich, and took a bite out of it.
"But Samurai John, Doctor Gooney captured your sister, Samurai Johanna." said Aquamarine.
"Alright then, but first I need to train." said Amazonite.
The camera cut to Amazonite flailing his arms around. The camera cut back to Amazonite and Aquamarine.
"Now I'm ready." said Amazonite.
Aquamarine then threw a ball at Amazonite, which Amazonite deflected.
"Yes, you are." said Aquamarine.
The camera then cut a to a paper version of Amazonite, with Aquamarine narrating.
"Samurai John travelled far and wide. But it was full of dangers. On the way, he met a Giant, so he had to defeat it. And then he met a dragon, so he had to defeat it. And then he met a beautiful woman, who he fell in love with, but he wasn't emotionally ready, so he had to defeat her."
"Hiya!" said Amazonite, "I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me."
"And then he arrived at the evil temple of Doctor Gooney." said Aquamarine.
The camera cut to Amazonite running to Aquamarine, who was wearing a cardboard box over his head.
"Give me back my sister!" said Amazonite.
"Dun dun duuun!" said Aquamarine, who took off his cardboard box.
"Ah, Colonel, it was you all along?!" said Amazonite.
"Yes," said Aquamarine, "I tricked you into coming here to defeat you!"
"But why didn't you attack me before my training?" said Amazonite.
"Uhhhhh…" said Amazonite, "Let's fight!"
Amazonite and Aquamarine started flailing their arms around. They neared each other when…
*kick*
Aquamarine accidentally kicked Amazonite in the jaw. Amazonite put his hand over his left cheek.
"Ow, that really hurt." said Amazonite.
"What are we gonna do?" said Aquamarine, "We're supposed to jump through a window in the next scene."
"We need another ending." said Amazonite.
The camera cut to Amazonite and Aquamarine hugging each other.
"I'm sorry I made you feel like the second best samurai in the world, Doctor Gooney." said Amazonite.
"No, Samurai John," said Aquamarine, "it's me who should feel sorry for being such a prissy little jerk and tried to capture your sister."
The two broke the hug and shook hands.
"I think we both learned that expressing our feelings is way better than a fight to the death." said Amazonite.
"Yay, mega happy ending!" said both Amazonite and Aquamarine in unison.
*static*
The camera now showed the inside of the Gem temple. Peridot was sitting in front of the camera on the floor next to some parts.
"Hello, I'm Peridot, and today we're going to learn how to make robonoids." said Peridot, "First, we get some chrome metal here from Homeworld, and then we-"
"You know, this isn't as fun as I thought it'd be." said Amazonite from behind the camera.
"Oh come on, I thought you wanted this." said Peridot.
"I thought you'd show it in a fun way, not like this." said Amazonite.
"Well, I'll have you know that it's fun for me this way." said Peridot.
Just then, Lapis walked in.
"Hey, what you guys doing?" said Lapis.
*static*
Garnet was now in front of the camera, wearing a cowboy hat and holding two toy revolvers.
"Come on, do it." said Amazonite.
"You think I'm gonna act like an Earth cowboy?" said Garnet, "You think I'm Clint Eastwood, John Wayne, cowboys shooting willy nilly, pow pow pow?"
"Uh...nevermind." said Amazonite.
*static*
The camera cut to behind a bush in front of the Maheswaran Residence.
"Alright, I'm doing it." whispered Amazonite, giggling.
Amazonite snuck up to the front door of the Maheswaran Residence. Amazonite then ran the doorbell and quickly ran back to the bush. Doug Maheswaran answered the door, but saw no one. Doug looked around.
"Oh, I see what this is." said Doug, "Well I'm onto you Mr. or Mrs. Ding Dong Ditch."
Doug then closed the door. Both Amazonite and Aquamarine couldn't help but laugh a little.
"Dude, that was hilarious." said Aquamarine.
*static*
The camera cut to the Universe Residence, with Amazonite in front of the couch, with Steven, Connie, and Turquoise sitting on the couch.
"Hello and welcome to "What's The Best Answer"?" said Amazonite, "Here are our three contestants, Turquoise Universe, Connie Universe, and Steven Universe."
Connie had an annoyed look on her face, but decided to comply with the made up game show.
"First, answer me this Turquoise." said Amazonite, "What's the best way to kill a cockroach?"
"Actually, cockroaches are almost impossible to kill," said Turquoise, "they can even survive a nuclear explosion, but their radiation exposure survival is limited with the number of radiation."
"Wait, is that really true?" said Amazonite, "Well, anyways, Connie. What's the one place in the world have I wanted to go to the most?"
"Empire City?" said Connie.
"Correct." said Amazonite, "Steven, what's the best time to shop?"
"Uh, Christmas!" said Steven.
"There was actually two correct answers for that question, Christmas and Black Friday, so you're right.
"Yes…" whispered Steven.
"Well, that's all we have for today, goodnight everybody." said Amazonite.
The tape is now over.
The End...