FINAL FANTASY VII
A Tale of Two Clouds
(Open to 7th Heaven, the bar. Tifa is cleaning the bar. Cloud and Barrett are sitting at the table, drinking beer. Aeris bursts in.)
Aeris: Hey, everyone! Come and look outside! You're not going to believe what's happened; it's a miracle! (Tifa, Cloud and Barrett shrug, and then follow her outside)
(Cut to the Sector 7 Slums. A "For Sale" sign is being taken down from the building next door. Cloud, Barrett, Tifa and Aeris are watching from the 7th Heaven porch.)
Tifa: Oh, so someone finally bought number twenty-three, then?
Barrett: Man, that ol' dump has been on the market since 1993...
Cloud: I wonder who the idiot crazy enough to buy it is...?
Tifa: Eh, well I'm sure we'll find out soon enough.
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar, later that day. Tifa is still busy cleaning the bar. A man walks in, with brown spikey hair, similar to Cloud's.)
Man: Wow! What luck!
Tifa: (looks up) Huh?
Man: What are the chances that the house I'd bought would be right next to a bar! Looks like life's gonna be one permanent hangover from now on!
Tifa: ...uh. Oh, you must be our new neighbour!
Man: And YOU must be mine!
Tifa: It's a pleasure, sir. (sticks her hand out) My name is Tifa Lockheart. Nice to meet you.
Man: (takes her hand and shakes) Likewise, Ms. Lockheart. I'm Cloud, by the way. Cloud Strife. (Tifa's mouth opens wide and she stops shaking his hand) Yes, women usually react that way when I tell them my name. I dunno, they must think it's sexy or something. I don't know, but whatever it is, I like its effect. (Tifa doesn't reply) What's the matter there, Ms. Lockheart? You look kinda freaked out. You okay?
Cloud: (walks in) Hey there, Tifa. D'you know where the plunger is? There's a lump of doo in the toilet the size of North Corel. (notices the new neighbour) Oh, hi.
(Cut to the bar, evening. Cloud, Tifa, Barrett and Aeris are sitting at the table. Cloud looks pretty shaken up. He's shivering and has a towel wrapped around him. He is also holding a cup of hot coffee.)
Cloud: I can't believe it... I thought I was the only one... How could this be...??
Tifa: (comforting him) Don't take it too hard, Cloud. So our new neighbour has the same name as you do. It's not that big a deal.
Cloud: But... But I'M Cloud Strife, Tifa. Me! No one else! Me!
Barrett: Trust me, dude, I know what you're goin' through. I thought I was the only guy on the planet called Barrett, until I took part in that Black Ass Pride March last month. Seventy-four other people in that crowd shared my name. Seventy-four!
Cloud: Who the hell does this guy think he is, moving in on my territory like this, waltzing around with MY NAME?
Aeris: Goodness me...
Cloud: (gets up and tosses the towel off) Well, I'm not gonna stand for this! Someone needs to have a little talk with this Mr. Cloud Strife! Barrett?
Barrett: Yeah?
Cloud: Go and talk to the man!
Barrett: Aw, geez...
(Cut to the Sector 7 Slums. Barrett walks towards the house next door, up the front porch and knocks the door. It opens and the new neighbour is standing in the doorway, in his underwear, holding a can of beer.)
Cloud Strife: Yeah?
Barrett: Uh, Mister Strife?
Cloud Strife: Yeah?
Barrett: I'm Barrett. I, uh, live next door.
Cloud Strife: Oh, I see. Well, pleased to meet ya and all that garbage.
Barrett: Yeah, um, could I come in?
Cloud Strife: Place is in a bit of a mess there, friend. I'd rather not let anyone in at the moment, to tell you the truth. I don't want the neighbours thinking I live like some kind of pig. No, sir.
Barrett: Okay, fine, uh, look, I'm not exactly quite sure why I'm here, but it's my friend, y'see. This is gonna sound kinda stupid, but he's upset - though God only knows why - 'cause you happen to, by some amazing coincidence, I'm sure, have the same... name as him.
Cloud Strife: Excuse me?
Cloud: (appears behind Barrett) That's right! You stole my name!
Cloud Strife: ...and you are?
Cloud: Cloud Strife!
Cloud Strife: Heh, you can't be Cloud Strife, buddy. I'm Cloud Strife.
Cloud: I think not, (mocking) buddy. Cloud Strife is my name. It's been my name for as long as I can remember.
Cloud Strife: Well, smack me in the mouth, so has mine!
Cloud: Look, pal, the way I see it is that there's only enough room in this town, no, this world, for one Cloud Strife. And that Cloud Strife is me, dammit.
Cloud Strife: Over my dead body!
Cloud: That's right! Over your dead body! I'd gladly dance on your sorry grave!
Cloud Strife: Gladly dance on my grave? What the hell is that supposed to mean?!
Cloud: You figure it out!
Barrett: Come on, Cloud. Let's go home, man.
Cloud Strife: Yeah, listen to your friend, (mocking) Cloud. He's the black voice of reason.
Barrett: Hey, don' be racist, man!
Cloud Strife: I wasn't being.
Barrett: ...okay. C'mon, Cloud.
Cloud: Ugh! You haven't heard the last from me, Strife!
Cloud Strife: No, I probably haven't. Good night. (shuts his door)
Cloud: Dammit!
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Tifa is serving drinks to two guys at the bar. Aeris walks towards the front door, with her flower basket.)
Aeris: See you later, Tifa. I'm off to work.
Tifa: Yeah, bye, Aeris. (Aeris gets to the front door and is about to open it, when it swings open quickly, as Cloud and Barrett walk in, and squashes her into the wall, creating a bloody mess on both the wall and the back of the door)
Cloud: I can't believe the nerve of that son of a bitch! He needs to be taught a serious lesson, I tell ya!
Tifa: Are you all right, Cloud?
Cloud: No, I'm not all right! And it's all because of that damn new neighbour of ours!
Barrett: Don't you think you're over-reactin', dude? It's just a name!
Tifa: Yeah, and what's in a name?
Cloud: Everything! And I won't stop until I'm the only Cloud Strife again! I'll fight that guy to the end, if I have too! I will become the one and only once again!
Barrett: And how d'you intend to do that, chum?
Cloud: (sinisterly) Oh, I'll find a way, Barrett. I'll find a way.
(Cut to the basement, night. Cloud is tossing and turning underneath a blanket on the couch.)
Cloud: Ugh...
(Cut to Nibelheim, Tifa's house, the dinning room. Cheesy family music is playing. Tifa dishes the dinner out onto the table.)
Tifa: It's dinner time! Barrett, Aeris, Red XIII, Yuffie, Cait Sith, Vincent, Cid, Cloud! Come and get it before it goes cold! (Barrett, Aeris, Red XIII, Yuffie, Cait Sith, Vincent, Cid and the new Cloud Strife, rush in, sit down at the table, and begin to eat)
Barrett: Man, this is delicious food, Tifa!
Aeris: Yes! It's so tasty!
Red XIII: I haven't eaten a meal this good in ages!
Cid: You truly are the Queen of the Kitchen, Tifa!
Vincent: Yes. You certainly are.
Tifa: Aw, thank you, everyone! You're all too kind!
Cloud: (walks in) Sorry I'm late, you guys. I've been outside, working up quite an appetite. I hope there's plenty here. (finds Cloud Strife is sitting in his seat) What the hell d'you think you're doing?
Cloud Strife: (eating) Oh, I'm sorry. Only I thought I heard someone call my name, telling me that dinner was ready.
Cloud: Hit the road, Jack. You're in my place.
Cloud Strife: No, I'm not.
Cloud: Yes, you are!
Cloud Strife: No, I'm not.
Cloud: Tifa, tell this half-wit (referring to Cloud Strife) to get the hell out of my chair.
Tifa: Beat it, Cloud.
Cloud: (to Cloud Strife) Yeah, beat it!
Tifa: Actually, I was talking to you, Cloud.
Cloud: Me?!
Tifa: Yes. You see, the guys and I have talked about it, and we think that the new Cloud is a lot better than the old Cloud. We love our new neighbour Cloud Strife and we want him to become AVALANCHE's latest member!
Cloud: But... what about me?
Tifa: Sorry, Cloud, but there's only enough room for one Cloud Strife in AVALANCHE.
Cloud Strife: That's right, buddy. Only room for one.
Barrett: Yuh-huh.
Cid: Damned straight!
Yuffie: Take a hike, sister!
Red XIII: You're not welcome here anymore!
Vincent: Leave at once!
Aeris: I want that three Gil you owe me, too!
(Cut back to 7th Heaven, the basement. Cloud wakes up on the couch, screaming.)
Cloud: That does it! I can't let that happen! I have to do something! I have to rid the world of Cloud Strife! (pause) That other Cloud Strife, I mean!
(Cut to the Sector 7 Slums, the next day. The mailman walks up the front porch of Cloud Strife's house and hands him a letter.)
Cloud Strife: Thank you! (rips open the letter and briefly reads it) What the hell?!?!
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Cloud Strife is talking to Cloud.)
Cloud Strife: I can't believe someone would get so pissed off over something as silly as a name! Tell me, sir, are you some kind of freak?
Cloud: Yes, but that has absolutely nothing to do with me wanting to take your ass to court. This is about a man's identity. A man's right to live. A man's heart and soul.
Cloud Strife: For Christopher's sake, IT'S JUST A NAME!!! It doesn't bother me, so why the hell should it bother you?!
Cloud: I'm a lot more complicated than you.
Cloud Strife: All right, fine. Take me to court. If you think have a case, then by all means, go for it. Let's hope the judge'll laugh in your face.
Cloud: I have a good feeling that the judge'll take things very, very seriously, my fat headed friend. Just you wait and see.
Cloud Strife: Ha! You're a moron, Strife! And by the time this court case is through, the whole damn world'll know!
(Cut to the Sector 4 Slums, Midgar Public Courthouse. The jury, the judge, Cloud, Tifa, Barrett, and the lawyers, are all in their places. Strangely, Cait Sith is the judge. Cloud Strife is in the witness box.)
Cait Sith: Tell me, boy, what be your name?
Cloud Strife: What be your name? Where the hell did you learn to talk - pirate school?
Cait Sith: Just answer the freakin' question or I'll throw the book atcha.
Cloud Strife: Ahem! Cloud Strife, Your Honor!
Cait Sith: Cloud Strife? And how long has that been your name, sonny?
Cloud Strife: It has been my name for twenty-six years, Your Honor.
Cloud: (to himself) Twenty-six years?! It's only been mine for twenty-one!
Cait Sith: ...right. Well, the other Cloud Strife we all know and love has only had that name for twenty-one years. (to Cloud) Sorry, Cloud, looks like you don't have a case, after all. It was his name first.
Cloud: What?!
Cait Sith: If you'd had had the name Cloud Strife longer than him, then we could've forced him to change his name by law, buuut since he's had it for five years longer than you, then I'm afraid YOU'RE the one who's gonna have to change your name.
Cloud: What?! This is all a bunch of nonsense!
Cait Sith: Hey! You're the one who wanted to bring this whole thing to court in the first place! If you can't handle the technical stuff, then you should've stayed at home!
Cloud: Ugh... So what happens now?
Cait Sith: Well, unless you're prepared to let this whole name thing drop, then you're gonna have to change your own. There's just no other way.
Cloud: Well, if I change it, can I change it to whatever I want?
Cait Sith: No. You will be forced to choose from a selection of names (gets out a long piece of paper) from the official "I've Decided to Change My Name for Legal Reasons" list, which include: Bret Smith, Stormy Stu, Ben Dover, Cedrick Smellyton, and other, equally terrible, suggestions.
Cloud: Then I have no other choice. I guess I'll just have to live with the fact that I'm not the only Cloud Strife on this planet.
Cloud Strife: Oh, no. 'Fraid not, buddy.
Cloud: What?
Cloud Strife: Your Honor, I want that man's name changed!
Cloud: What?
Tifa: What?
Cait Sith: What?
Cloud Strife: I've been called Cloud Strife for twenty-six years. He's only been called Cloud Strife for twenty-one, correct?
Cait Sith: Yeah, but-
Cloud Strife: Then in that case, I'm asking, no, I'm telling you to make him change his name! I'm fed up of getting shouted at in the street, then turning round and finding out that it wasn't even me that people were calling - it was him! Him having the same name as me has turned my life into a complete nightmare! You wouldn't believe how confusing life has been since I moved here to Midgar! I keep getting my letters sent to the wrong address, I keep getting questioned by the police about "my" frequent visits to the Honey Bee Inn, and don't even get me started on those damn telephone polls - "Hello, is that Mr. Cloud Strife? We'd like to ask you a few questions about Silky Shampoo, if that's okay with you!" I don't even use Silky Shampoo, for goodness sake!
Cait Sith: Zzz... Zzz...
Cloud Strife: Are you even listening to a word I'm saying, Your Honor?!
Cait Sith: (wakes up) Uh, right, yes. Cloud, I'm sorry, but by law, Mister Strife has complete authority to make you change your name. So, I'd start lookin' through (throws the list at Cloud) this list, if I were you...
Cloud: Aw...
(Cut to Nibelheim, Tifa's house, the dinning room. Tifa dishes the dinner out onto the table.)
Tifa: It's dinner time! Barrett, Aeris, Red XIII, Yuffie, Cait Sith, Vincent, Cid, Cloud! Come and get it before it goes cold! (Barrett, Aeris, Red XIII, Yuffie, Cait Sith, Vincent and Cid rush in, sit down at the table, and begin to eat) Wait a second... Where's Cloud...?
Barrett: Cloud? Nah, man, you're forgettin'. He ain't Cloud anymore, 'member?
Tifa: Oh, yes. Right, yes. (clears her throat) Oliva!
Cloud: (walks in and takes his seat, as the others snigger) What...?!
Barrett: You coulda picked a better name than Oliva, dude...
Tifa: I'm inclined to agree, Clou--I mean, Oliva. Isn't that a girl's name, anyway?
Cloud: It was either this, or Suxoncox. I made my decision, and I stand by it.
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THE END__________
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A Tale of Two Clouds
(Open to 7th Heaven, the bar. Tifa is cleaning the bar. Cloud and Barrett are sitting at the table, drinking beer. Aeris bursts in.)
Aeris: Hey, everyone! Come and look outside! You're not going to believe what's happened; it's a miracle! (Tifa, Cloud and Barrett shrug, and then follow her outside)
(Cut to the Sector 7 Slums. A "For Sale" sign is being taken down from the building next door. Cloud, Barrett, Tifa and Aeris are watching from the 7th Heaven porch.)
Tifa: Oh, so someone finally bought number twenty-three, then?
Barrett: Man, that ol' dump has been on the market since 1993...
Cloud: I wonder who the idiot crazy enough to buy it is...?
Tifa: Eh, well I'm sure we'll find out soon enough.
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar, later that day. Tifa is still busy cleaning the bar. A man walks in, with brown spikey hair, similar to Cloud's.)
Man: Wow! What luck!
Tifa: (looks up) Huh?
Man: What are the chances that the house I'd bought would be right next to a bar! Looks like life's gonna be one permanent hangover from now on!
Tifa: ...uh. Oh, you must be our new neighbour!
Man: And YOU must be mine!
Tifa: It's a pleasure, sir. (sticks her hand out) My name is Tifa Lockheart. Nice to meet you.
Man: (takes her hand and shakes) Likewise, Ms. Lockheart. I'm Cloud, by the way. Cloud Strife. (Tifa's mouth opens wide and she stops shaking his hand) Yes, women usually react that way when I tell them my name. I dunno, they must think it's sexy or something. I don't know, but whatever it is, I like its effect. (Tifa doesn't reply) What's the matter there, Ms. Lockheart? You look kinda freaked out. You okay?
Cloud: (walks in) Hey there, Tifa. D'you know where the plunger is? There's a lump of doo in the toilet the size of North Corel. (notices the new neighbour) Oh, hi.
(Cut to the bar, evening. Cloud, Tifa, Barrett and Aeris are sitting at the table. Cloud looks pretty shaken up. He's shivering and has a towel wrapped around him. He is also holding a cup of hot coffee.)
Cloud: I can't believe it... I thought I was the only one... How could this be...??
Tifa: (comforting him) Don't take it too hard, Cloud. So our new neighbour has the same name as you do. It's not that big a deal.
Cloud: But... But I'M Cloud Strife, Tifa. Me! No one else! Me!
Barrett: Trust me, dude, I know what you're goin' through. I thought I was the only guy on the planet called Barrett, until I took part in that Black Ass Pride March last month. Seventy-four other people in that crowd shared my name. Seventy-four!
Cloud: Who the hell does this guy think he is, moving in on my territory like this, waltzing around with MY NAME?
Aeris: Goodness me...
Cloud: (gets up and tosses the towel off) Well, I'm not gonna stand for this! Someone needs to have a little talk with this Mr. Cloud Strife! Barrett?
Barrett: Yeah?
Cloud: Go and talk to the man!
Barrett: Aw, geez...
(Cut to the Sector 7 Slums. Barrett walks towards the house next door, up the front porch and knocks the door. It opens and the new neighbour is standing in the doorway, in his underwear, holding a can of beer.)
Cloud Strife: Yeah?
Barrett: Uh, Mister Strife?
Cloud Strife: Yeah?
Barrett: I'm Barrett. I, uh, live next door.
Cloud Strife: Oh, I see. Well, pleased to meet ya and all that garbage.
Barrett: Yeah, um, could I come in?
Cloud Strife: Place is in a bit of a mess there, friend. I'd rather not let anyone in at the moment, to tell you the truth. I don't want the neighbours thinking I live like some kind of pig. No, sir.
Barrett: Okay, fine, uh, look, I'm not exactly quite sure why I'm here, but it's my friend, y'see. This is gonna sound kinda stupid, but he's upset - though God only knows why - 'cause you happen to, by some amazing coincidence, I'm sure, have the same... name as him.
Cloud Strife: Excuse me?
Cloud: (appears behind Barrett) That's right! You stole my name!
Cloud Strife: ...and you are?
Cloud: Cloud Strife!
Cloud Strife: Heh, you can't be Cloud Strife, buddy. I'm Cloud Strife.
Cloud: I think not, (mocking) buddy. Cloud Strife is my name. It's been my name for as long as I can remember.
Cloud Strife: Well, smack me in the mouth, so has mine!
Cloud: Look, pal, the way I see it is that there's only enough room in this town, no, this world, for one Cloud Strife. And that Cloud Strife is me, dammit.
Cloud Strife: Over my dead body!
Cloud: That's right! Over your dead body! I'd gladly dance on your sorry grave!
Cloud Strife: Gladly dance on my grave? What the hell is that supposed to mean?!
Cloud: You figure it out!
Barrett: Come on, Cloud. Let's go home, man.
Cloud Strife: Yeah, listen to your friend, (mocking) Cloud. He's the black voice of reason.
Barrett: Hey, don' be racist, man!
Cloud Strife: I wasn't being.
Barrett: ...okay. C'mon, Cloud.
Cloud: Ugh! You haven't heard the last from me, Strife!
Cloud Strife: No, I probably haven't. Good night. (shuts his door)
Cloud: Dammit!
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Tifa is serving drinks to two guys at the bar. Aeris walks towards the front door, with her flower basket.)
Aeris: See you later, Tifa. I'm off to work.
Tifa: Yeah, bye, Aeris. (Aeris gets to the front door and is about to open it, when it swings open quickly, as Cloud and Barrett walk in, and squashes her into the wall, creating a bloody mess on both the wall and the back of the door)
Cloud: I can't believe the nerve of that son of a bitch! He needs to be taught a serious lesson, I tell ya!
Tifa: Are you all right, Cloud?
Cloud: No, I'm not all right! And it's all because of that damn new neighbour of ours!
Barrett: Don't you think you're over-reactin', dude? It's just a name!
Tifa: Yeah, and what's in a name?
Cloud: Everything! And I won't stop until I'm the only Cloud Strife again! I'll fight that guy to the end, if I have too! I will become the one and only once again!
Barrett: And how d'you intend to do that, chum?
Cloud: (sinisterly) Oh, I'll find a way, Barrett. I'll find a way.
(Cut to the basement, night. Cloud is tossing and turning underneath a blanket on the couch.)
Cloud: Ugh...
(Cut to Nibelheim, Tifa's house, the dinning room. Cheesy family music is playing. Tifa dishes the dinner out onto the table.)
Tifa: It's dinner time! Barrett, Aeris, Red XIII, Yuffie, Cait Sith, Vincent, Cid, Cloud! Come and get it before it goes cold! (Barrett, Aeris, Red XIII, Yuffie, Cait Sith, Vincent, Cid and the new Cloud Strife, rush in, sit down at the table, and begin to eat)
Barrett: Man, this is delicious food, Tifa!
Aeris: Yes! It's so tasty!
Red XIII: I haven't eaten a meal this good in ages!
Cid: You truly are the Queen of the Kitchen, Tifa!
Vincent: Yes. You certainly are.
Tifa: Aw, thank you, everyone! You're all too kind!
Cloud: (walks in) Sorry I'm late, you guys. I've been outside, working up quite an appetite. I hope there's plenty here. (finds Cloud Strife is sitting in his seat) What the hell d'you think you're doing?
Cloud Strife: (eating) Oh, I'm sorry. Only I thought I heard someone call my name, telling me that dinner was ready.
Cloud: Hit the road, Jack. You're in my place.
Cloud Strife: No, I'm not.
Cloud: Yes, you are!
Cloud Strife: No, I'm not.
Cloud: Tifa, tell this half-wit (referring to Cloud Strife) to get the hell out of my chair.
Tifa: Beat it, Cloud.
Cloud: (to Cloud Strife) Yeah, beat it!
Tifa: Actually, I was talking to you, Cloud.
Cloud: Me?!
Tifa: Yes. You see, the guys and I have talked about it, and we think that the new Cloud is a lot better than the old Cloud. We love our new neighbour Cloud Strife and we want him to become AVALANCHE's latest member!
Cloud: But... what about me?
Tifa: Sorry, Cloud, but there's only enough room for one Cloud Strife in AVALANCHE.
Cloud Strife: That's right, buddy. Only room for one.
Barrett: Yuh-huh.
Cid: Damned straight!
Yuffie: Take a hike, sister!
Red XIII: You're not welcome here anymore!
Vincent: Leave at once!
Aeris: I want that three Gil you owe me, too!
(Cut back to 7th Heaven, the basement. Cloud wakes up on the couch, screaming.)
Cloud: That does it! I can't let that happen! I have to do something! I have to rid the world of Cloud Strife! (pause) That other Cloud Strife, I mean!
(Cut to the Sector 7 Slums, the next day. The mailman walks up the front porch of Cloud Strife's house and hands him a letter.)
Cloud Strife: Thank you! (rips open the letter and briefly reads it) What the hell?!?!
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Cloud Strife is talking to Cloud.)
Cloud Strife: I can't believe someone would get so pissed off over something as silly as a name! Tell me, sir, are you some kind of freak?
Cloud: Yes, but that has absolutely nothing to do with me wanting to take your ass to court. This is about a man's identity. A man's right to live. A man's heart and soul.
Cloud Strife: For Christopher's sake, IT'S JUST A NAME!!! It doesn't bother me, so why the hell should it bother you?!
Cloud: I'm a lot more complicated than you.
Cloud Strife: All right, fine. Take me to court. If you think have a case, then by all means, go for it. Let's hope the judge'll laugh in your face.
Cloud: I have a good feeling that the judge'll take things very, very seriously, my fat headed friend. Just you wait and see.
Cloud Strife: Ha! You're a moron, Strife! And by the time this court case is through, the whole damn world'll know!
(Cut to the Sector 4 Slums, Midgar Public Courthouse. The jury, the judge, Cloud, Tifa, Barrett, and the lawyers, are all in their places. Strangely, Cait Sith is the judge. Cloud Strife is in the witness box.)
Cait Sith: Tell me, boy, what be your name?
Cloud Strife: What be your name? Where the hell did you learn to talk - pirate school?
Cait Sith: Just answer the freakin' question or I'll throw the book atcha.
Cloud Strife: Ahem! Cloud Strife, Your Honor!
Cait Sith: Cloud Strife? And how long has that been your name, sonny?
Cloud Strife: It has been my name for twenty-six years, Your Honor.
Cloud: (to himself) Twenty-six years?! It's only been mine for twenty-one!
Cait Sith: ...right. Well, the other Cloud Strife we all know and love has only had that name for twenty-one years. (to Cloud) Sorry, Cloud, looks like you don't have a case, after all. It was his name first.
Cloud: What?!
Cait Sith: If you'd had had the name Cloud Strife longer than him, then we could've forced him to change his name by law, buuut since he's had it for five years longer than you, then I'm afraid YOU'RE the one who's gonna have to change your name.
Cloud: What?! This is all a bunch of nonsense!
Cait Sith: Hey! You're the one who wanted to bring this whole thing to court in the first place! If you can't handle the technical stuff, then you should've stayed at home!
Cloud: Ugh... So what happens now?
Cait Sith: Well, unless you're prepared to let this whole name thing drop, then you're gonna have to change your own. There's just no other way.
Cloud: Well, if I change it, can I change it to whatever I want?
Cait Sith: No. You will be forced to choose from a selection of names (gets out a long piece of paper) from the official "I've Decided to Change My Name for Legal Reasons" list, which include: Bret Smith, Stormy Stu, Ben Dover, Cedrick Smellyton, and other, equally terrible, suggestions.
Cloud: Then I have no other choice. I guess I'll just have to live with the fact that I'm not the only Cloud Strife on this planet.
Cloud Strife: Oh, no. 'Fraid not, buddy.
Cloud: What?
Cloud Strife: Your Honor, I want that man's name changed!
Cloud: What?
Tifa: What?
Cait Sith: What?
Cloud Strife: I've been called Cloud Strife for twenty-six years. He's only been called Cloud Strife for twenty-one, correct?
Cait Sith: Yeah, but-
Cloud Strife: Then in that case, I'm asking, no, I'm telling you to make him change his name! I'm fed up of getting shouted at in the street, then turning round and finding out that it wasn't even me that people were calling - it was him! Him having the same name as me has turned my life into a complete nightmare! You wouldn't believe how confusing life has been since I moved here to Midgar! I keep getting my letters sent to the wrong address, I keep getting questioned by the police about "my" frequent visits to the Honey Bee Inn, and don't even get me started on those damn telephone polls - "Hello, is that Mr. Cloud Strife? We'd like to ask you a few questions about Silky Shampoo, if that's okay with you!" I don't even use Silky Shampoo, for goodness sake!
Cait Sith: Zzz... Zzz...
Cloud Strife: Are you even listening to a word I'm saying, Your Honor?!
Cait Sith: (wakes up) Uh, right, yes. Cloud, I'm sorry, but by law, Mister Strife has complete authority to make you change your name. So, I'd start lookin' through (throws the list at Cloud) this list, if I were you...
Cloud: Aw...
(Cut to Nibelheim, Tifa's house, the dinning room. Tifa dishes the dinner out onto the table.)
Tifa: It's dinner time! Barrett, Aeris, Red XIII, Yuffie, Cait Sith, Vincent, Cid, Cloud! Come and get it before it goes cold! (Barrett, Aeris, Red XIII, Yuffie, Cait Sith, Vincent and Cid rush in, sit down at the table, and begin to eat) Wait a second... Where's Cloud...?
Barrett: Cloud? Nah, man, you're forgettin'. He ain't Cloud anymore, 'member?
Tifa: Oh, yes. Right, yes. (clears her throat) Oliva!
Cloud: (walks in and takes his seat, as the others snigger) What...?!
Barrett: You coulda picked a better name than Oliva, dude...
Tifa: I'm inclined to agree, Clou--I mean, Oliva. Isn't that a girl's name, anyway?
Cloud: It was either this, or Suxoncox. I made my decision, and I stand by it.
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THE END__________
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