Presenting:

The Millionth Story in which Mary Sue the Mary-Sue
joins the Smash Brothers in the Smash Mansion
and has relationships with people and ends up
dating Marth, Link, and Peach, as well as Saving
the Universe.

By tikitikirevenge.

Legal note:

None of these characters (barring the obvious exceptions) are my own.

Forward:

An explanation may be necessary:

Hi. I'm tikitikirevenge, an author. In the past, I've tried writing SSB fan stories in various genres: humour, parody, parodies of humour, random humour, deliberately bad romance, random randomness, entropic-unpredictably random humour, and even the occasional funny story. This time, though, I have come up with a new way of getting maximum positive reviews.

You see, there are millions of stories written every day in which an original character blinks into existence and joins the ranks of the Smash Brothers. I realised about two minutes ago that, if I could copy this formula, I would be guaranteed of getting a rabid following of teenage girls who wish Marth was real and males trying to pick up romantic tips. I'll have millions of followers!

Maybe there are better ways of getting a cult following (like writing well, or writing originally, or starting my own religion), but I have no doubt that shameless imitation is both easy and risk-free.

1: Enter Mary Sue
The Smash Brothers, who were all very famous, had spontaneously and simultaneously quit their day jobs (plumbing, bounty-hunting, world-saving), in order to settle down at Master Hand's so-called 'Smash Mansion' and date each other frequently, even if there were only three women (one of whom was a mystic, one of whom was psychotic, the other of whom was incapable of thought).

Why would anyone do such a thing? Who knows? Some think it was because Master Hand had all drugged them and dragged them over there. But a few believe it was a true instance of deus ex machina (which is something that will happen very frequently in this story).

So Marth and Roy were kissing passionately in Marth's room (not each other, they were kissing the llamas, silly!).

"Wait…" said Marth, stopping. "Since when did we go for llamas?"

"I think," said Roy, "that it was after Master Hand borrowed your massagers and we couldn't find anyone here to make out with."

"Oh, right…" said Marth, recalling in quick succession how after suave advances, Zelda had slapped him (with a knife), Samus had snapped his leg, and Peach had choked on a goldfish (though, to his credit, she was already chewing on it when Marth started talking to her).

"We need someone else to hit on," Marth concluded.

Roy thought. "What about Nana the ice climber?"

"Too young," dismissed Marth.

"Jigglypuff?"

"Too not-human."

"Link?"

"Link's a male."

"Just a thought. Uh, Yoshi?"

"Lizard, and he's male, too."

"Peach?"

"I asked. She's too stupid."

"Link?"

"Roy," said Marth, turning to look at his friend, "why do you keep mentioning Link?"

Roy uttered a witty response which completely justified the entire conversation. Sadly, it had to be cut out to make more room for descriptions of every facet of Mary Sue's body.

It is now important that we meet another important character, Master Hand. Although one might think that 'Master' is a title, it's actually his first name. This is evidenced by his crazy twin, Crazy, whose last name is also Hand.

The Hand family came from nowhere in particular, having been here and there but not everywhere at the same time as being everywhere at once was physically and metaphysically impossible. But we digress.

Master Hand was floating in his office, which was on the top floor of the Smash Mansion. He was reading the newspaper.

"This is horrible," he said. "There were nearly three entire pages which didn't mention the upcoming tournament! Nobody cares anymore. I'm ruined – ruined!"

"Hello, brother," said Crazy Hand in his kooky voice, floating through the wall and showering Master Hand with plaster.

"Crazy, do you always have to do that?" said Master Hand.

"Yes," said Crazy Hand, giggling.

"How did you get out of the padded cell this time?"

"I sang 'Dance of the Sugar-Plum Faeries'," responded Crazy Hand.

"That doesn't make any sense!"

Crazy Hand didn't respond, instead opting to glide around the room doing tumble-turns.

"I give up," sighed Master Hand. "There's no way I can ever make these tournaments popular again. Back to swindling poor people, I guess," he lamented.

"There ees an alternateef," said Crazy Hand. "You could create a new Smash Brother that everyone loves!"

"Find a new Smasher…" mused Master Hand, "that's a good idea."

"I said create, not find," snapped Crazy Hand angrily.

"Meaning…?"

"Not telling!" Crazy Hand said, giggling weirdly and then leaving the room. Via the window. And falling. Out of the window.

Mary Sue was a delivery person for the Koopa Pizzeria franchise. That an exaggeratedly nice person, with the ability to get along with everyone and woo both the male and female demographics, had been chosen to deliver pizza to the Smash Mansion at the exact moment that Master Hand was zooming around the place, trying to find a new Smasher, and several people happened to have called him to the front door, and that Mary Sue was wearing a horridly suggestive pizza-delivery-outfit, and that all the males present fell in love with her the moment they saw her, was just a coincidence.

Yes, a coincidence; not the result of a completely uncreative author.

Well, actually, yes, I admit it. I'm copying every other original-character story out there ad verbatim. But I swear; I'm only doing it to satirically demonstrate how boringly clichéd it is – or am I?

See, the problem is as thus: people no longer write original stories. They read a couple of stories, like them, and then do their best to imitate them. Then other fans read their stories, praise them heavily, and do the same. Soon, the world is flooded with such stories. It's annoying, but for some reason, the system works.

Oh, that's right… the story…

"What's taking the pizza so long?" complained Captain Falcon, who was lying in front of the door in a suggestive pose on the off-chance that passing women would suddenly fall in love with him as a result.

"Falcon, why aren't you wearing a shirt?" asked Link, averting his eyes after a quick, disgusted glance.

"It's the secret to my success," explained Captain Falcon, unperturbed.

"What-a success?" said Luigi, who was relaxing on the steps before the front door. (They had been waiting for the pizza for several hours, now, so it wasn't a complete surprise that this was happening.

"Uh… that's classified," said Falcon.

"You don't-a have success," said Luigi.

"Shut up, plumber," said Falcon, pushing Luigi away.

"Stop fighting," said Link, annoyed. "It's so violent. Violence promotes hatred and crime. You're a bad example for the kids."

Mary Sue, of course, was approaching the front of the Smash Mansion to deliver her pizzas at that exact moment.

"Uh… hi," she said meekly, "is this the Smash Mansion?"

"Yep," said Falcon, not bothering to glance at her. "Put the pizzas down wherever."

"Okay…" she said timidly, putting down the pizza. Then, on an impulse, she whipped out a camera and started taking as many photographs of Falcon, Luigi, and Link within two seconds.

Master Hand floated out through the front door. "Ah… the pizza's finally here!" he exclaimed jovially.

"What's it to you?" said Falcon. "You can't eat."

Master Hand tried to think of a witty comeback. "I… er… that is to say… well… hmm… hey, who are you?"

"What? Me?" said Mary Sue, very much surprised.

"Yes, I mean you. Who are you?"

"Mary Sue," she stammered. "Delivery-person for Koopa Pizzeria. Order now and get a free but worthless ticket. I meant coupon. Free and worthless coupon."

Master Hand suddenly had a brainwave. "Hey, do you want to join the Smash Brothers?"

"But… but I can't fight…"

"Excellent! Come with me!" Master Hand proclaimed. He grabbed Mary Sue by the hair and whisked her off.

Silence followed.

"What was that about?" said Link, finally.

Luigi considered. "Perhaps that was-a actually Crazy Hand, not Master-"

"Did someone say my name?" said Crazy Hand, appearing through a wall. "Because I can be very friendly!"

Crazy Hand grabbed Luigi and crushed him to a pulp. "You are my new best friend!" he said in a strained voice.

Falcon and Link stared, shocked.

Crazy Hand let go of what remained of Luigi and floated away.

Falcon and Link stared, shocked.

Yoshi walked past, took one look, and ran away, screaming "arararararar…"

Falcon and Link stared, shocked.

"Meh, it was only Luigi," said Falcon finally.

"Good point," said Link. "Let's get these pizzas inside."

Read. Review. Visit hoogi,brickfilms,com/forum and spam. Breathe. Live. Die. Choke.