This is just something I thought of ages ago after watching Babel One the first time. Just a moment in Shran's head as he thinks about his crew after the Kumari is destroyed. One-shot, song fic, my first one.
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek or any of the characters, and the lyrics are 'Like Toy Soldiers' by Eminem
Soldiers
Step by step, heart to heart, left right left Step by step, heart to heart, left right left I'm supposed to be the soldier who never blows his composure
We all fall down...
We all fall down like toy soldiers
Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win
But the battle wages on for toy soldiers
Even though I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders
I'm supposed to keep a brave face the whole time, I'm not ever supposed to show fear or sadness, no matter how hard the pressure is. No matter that I feel like I'm being crushed by the guilt, shame and utter agony within my soul.
I am never supposed to show it, my crew ain't supposed to know it
Even if it means goin' toe to toe with a Benzino it don't matter
I hide behind gruff bravado, snarling like a wronged animal, and it works because no one ever knows how much pain I'm in. Even if this means I have to pick fights with the Tellerite pigs, or with the Vulcan or pink-skin, it doesn't matter. What's left of my crew needs to see that I'm not beaten, I can't let them see how much this is killing me.
I'd never drag them in battles that I can handle unless I absolutely have to
I'm supposed to set an example
I thought that Tellerite ship would be easy to defeat when it came up and began firing at us. Tellerites are easy to beat… normally. I barely remember what happened it was all so fast. My crew, I should have been more careful, then maybe they'd all still be here.
I need to be the leader, my crew looks for me to guide 'em
If some shit ever does pop off, I'm supposed to be beside 'em
My crew would have followed me anywhere, even into the stormy seas of hell. If there was a problem they would look to me for help, be it professional or personal, they knew I'd listen. They weren't just comrades in arms, they were my friends, my second family. I spent more time with them then my real family, my two brothers and two sisters and nieces and nephews, say nothing of cousins and everyone else. I knew each person in my crew and they knew me. They'd know if I was annoyed over my siblings and which one it was. I'd know if they'd received good news without even asking. We all loved each other without shame.
And even though the battle was won, I feel like we lost it
I spent too much energy on it, honestly I'm exhausted
And I'm so caught in it I almost feel I'm the one who caused it
The love my crew had for each other, for me and I for them, made it all the harder to believe Tarah's betrayal on Weytahn. I trusted her completely, how could she have gone behind my back like that? That wound she made was so deep and grave, it took away the joy of reaching an agreement with Soval. It made me wonder if it was my fault she thought like that. I made no secret of my hatred of Vulcans, I despised them, I've killed many, and she listened to me for ten years talking about them being devious liars who would do anything to destroy us. Did I put those thoughts in her head? I'll never know.
Step by step, heart to heart, left right left
We all fall down like toy soldiers
Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win
But the battle wages on for toy soldiers
Talas stirs beside me in her sleep, but she doesn't wake, and I'm glad, because I can't face her or anyone right now, I'm barely able to keep myself together. I cover my eyes with my arm, clenching my fist as tears suddenly prick my eyes. I can't loose my grip on myself, I can't! Once I start I won't be able to stop. I need to stay strong for my crew, for the ones clinging onto life in Enterprise's sickbay. I'm a solider, a commander, and I have to keep up my appearance as unshakable. A solider cannot rest in the middle of a battle. This is a battle of beliefs. I know the Tellerites destroyed the Kumari and I'm going to prove it even if it gets me kicked off this ship. Pink-skin is doubtful, even though the evidence is staring him in the face.
We still have soldiers that's on the front line
That's willing to die for us as soon as we give the orders
Never to extort us, strictly to show they support us
Eight of my surviving crew are in sickbay, barely able to stay alive, fighting as hard as they can, like true Imperial Guardsmen, but if I called upon them they'd drag themselves across the floor to come and fight with me, simply because they love me. I love them too much to let them try that, to die for me. I've seen that too many times, seen too many people die, too many people suffer under my command. It kills me every time, but I have to lead them
Their loyalty to us is worth more than any award is
But I ain't tryna have none of my people hurt and murdered
It ain't worth it, I can't think of a perfecter way to word it
Then to just say that I love ya'll too much to see the verdict
I'll walk away from it all before I let it go any further
I'm a solider, so are they, but I won't let them die pointlessly, I won't send them into a battle that can't be won. I'm not ashamed to retreat if I have to. Sometimes they argue with me, but in the end I'll get my way and I'll see them live out another day, which means so much more then non-military can imagine. Their loyalty to me means so much more then commendation or promotion the Generals could bestow upon me, and they knew it.
Step by step, heart to heart, left right left
I manage to control myself and I carefully sit up, I don't want to wake Talas. I slip out of the bed and walk over to the window and stare out at the stars. Somewhere out there the debris of the Kumari, first of her kind, named for the first ice-cutter that circumnavigated Andoria, that I commanded for twelve years with the best crew a man could ask for, is floating around as space garbage. How many bodies are among that debris? How many were obliterated completely? I don't really want to know, but I can't stop myself from wondering. A brief smile suddenly crosses my face as, for no real reason I think of my brother Senkrad. Sen's terrified of space travel or even being in a starship, and I can't help but remember all the times I've tried to trick him into coming onto the Kumari. I've never succeeded, and now I never will.
We all fall down like toy soldiers
I want to go home and curl up in my room like a child, I want to cry myself to sleep and release this pain by fighting with my sister. I want to find some comfort to ease the agony, comfort Sen and Lissiel will give without question. But I can't. I've got to stay here and keep up a strong shield, not let anyone see my pain and misery even as it rips me apart. It's an ongoing battle within my soul, and as a solider I have to keep fighting. I have to win, nothing less is acceptable. My eyes prick again but I bit my lip hard and manage to stop it again. I hope this battle doesn't last long or I'm going to loose. I slowly make my way back to bed and lie beside Talas, closing my eyes and I fall into a fitful sleep, hoping tomorrow comes soon.
Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win
But the battle wages on for toy soldiers
Like it? Hate it? Let me know
NIght's Darkness