Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek Voyager…wait…yes I do! I DO! Bwah ha ha! Sue me if you dare! Please review…

Ballad O' Star Trek: Voyager

A quadrant full of many foes

Did not defeat this ship.

Through many kinds of aliens,

Its mighty hull did rip.

And yet one day, to their surprise

The Voyager crew was stumped,

To find their treasured prime time slot

By UPN was bumped.

"What the hell?" the mad crew cried,

"We our fans who care!"

"Shut your holes!" the Captain said,

"I'll deal with this affair."

Janeway, both hands on her hips

Gave UPN a frown.

"We're sorry," the head honcho said,

"Your ratings have gone down."

"Oh no!" the senior crew did bitch,

"Whatever shall we do?"

"I know!" yelled out young Harry Kim,

"We'll kill a Borg or two!"

They found a cube and blew it up,

There was a lot of gore.

Then Harry was assimilated,

Ratings, they did soar.

The bridge crew did a little dance,

On Borgs which they had slew,

And Janeway called up UPN,

"How was that for you?"

"Bad." It said. The whole crew moaned,

And Tom began to cry.

"Cheer up!" said Janeway with a grin,

"We'll get our slot or die!"

Then Seven stood up, lean and tall

To say to all in hearing,

"Since all the viewers want my bod,

I'll strip in Engineering!"

Unluckily, this did not work,

'Cause Seven, when she tried,

The ship was blasted by Kazon,

And Seven…well, she died.

Then Tuvok tried his logic at

The whole obscene affair,

"A mind meld with that UPN

Should put us on the air."

When UPN found out his scheme,

Its weapons, they were loaded,

It forced him to watch "7th Heaven,"

And then his brain exploded.

Janeway found herself in shock.

She sat and scratched her head.

"I said, 'we'll get this slot or die,'

I didn't say 'Get dead."

Chakotay took these words to heart.

A plan himself he made,

"I'll tell the Captain of my love,

And maybe I'll get laid."

So in the name of ratings, he

Composed a lovely sonnet,

But Janeway killed him 'cause it sucked,

And made the viewers vomit.

Tom and B'Ellana to this chance

To kiss without a care,

But ratings dropped when they both died,

The cause: A lack of air.

The Doctor started noticing

The build-up in his morgue.

He said, "I bet I've got a plan

To impress even the Borg!"

The Doctor ditched his lecture on

"The Human Double Helix."

Instead he marched to the Mess Hall,

And there, he strangled Neelix.

"My God!" cried Janeway, beaming wide.

"Whatever did you do?

Now UPN says we're a hit!

We got our timeslot too!"

"'Twas nothing," said the Doctor, proud

His happy face flushing,

"I'd tell you all about it but,

I'd really rather sing."

His musical, heroic tale

Brought forth an evil smile.

A quick command, and Janeway watched

The Doctor de-compile.

"At last!" said Janeway; "I'm alone!

There's no way that I'm dying."

But with her joy, she didn't notice

Where the ship was flying…

Attempts to make it alter course,

They worked most horribly.

The ship without a doubt flew through,

A space-time anomaly.

And suddenly, the crew returned

As though they'd never gone.

The Captain set a course for home,

And Voyager moved on.

And UPN, amongst the stars

Decided it was through,

The Voyagers proved lots of fun,

For UPN was Q.