Disclaimer: I've given up on the smart disclaimers, I don't own a thing :(
You wake up early this morning. You curse under your breath and silence the alarm clock before it can waken your lover. You watch him sleep for a few moments, your heart twisting to see him writhing a little in the bed. He was never a heavy sleeper but you've found, in the few months that you've shared a bed with him once more, that he now rarely sleeps and when he does, is terrorised with nightmares.
You grimace and rise from the bed, careful not to wake Sirius, and slowly get dressed. Your head is on the mission before you, but you're numb as to the risks involved. You feel as though you've been sleepwalking through your days since Voldemort returned. The nights spent with Sirius are now the only time you feel properly alive.
You look back down at him, his face troubled, muttering inaudibly, and shiver as you realise just what he means to you. What it would feel like to lose him.
You shake your head violently, you shouldn't be thinking like that. Sirius would be fine.
You on the other hand… Your turn your thoughts back to the job at hand. Sirius last night pleaded with you not to go. He told you that every time you leave him, he's terrified that you won't come back - for whatever reason. You had to promise him to return and still you knew he wasn't entirely happy about it.
He'd brought up Nymphadora too - Tonks. He was, for some unfathomable reason, jealous. He told you that she was constantly flirting with you but you tried to assure him that you love him, there was no competition for him. Once again, you knew he still wasn't fully happy. You almost laugh at the thought of Sirius being jealous. After all, you're still surprised whenever he tells you he loves you, how could anyone else possibly feel that way about you? Least of all a beautiful young woman like Nymphadora - Tonks.
You're just about ready to leave, and bend down over Sirius's unconscious body to give him a light goodbye kiss. The second you touch your lips to his forehead, he jerks awake, alarm in his eyes at first until he realises that it's you.
He looks at you with reproach. 'You were going to leave with waking me,' he accuses.
'I was in a hurry,' you mumble.
'No you weren't,' he replies, glancing over at the clock on the bedside locker. 'You're not leaving for another half hour.'
He glares at you for a moment and abruptly, you decide to give up all pretence of apology. 'I didn't want to wake you because you always make a big, bloody scene about how dangerous it'll be, or that I'll be going with Nymphadora, or how fucking lonely you'll be. For god sake Sirius, there're others here, go talk to them or something!'
Sirius stares hard at you after this outburst and you instantly regret it. But you won't apologise now, you know that already. You've had several of these kind of arguments before and it's become a sort of sullen pattern. You'll both fight, then you'll leave him, both of you will stew over what you've said and eventually regret it and make an extra effort when you return. Everything's fine for a few days and then you'll fight again.
But this morning you see something different in his eyes. 'Fine,' he says finally. 'Fine, leave. I don't care at this stage.'
It's with a deep sense of dread that you retreat from the room, you try not to dwell on what you saw in your lover's eyes.
Defeat.
The Sirius you know - knew - never let himself look defeated, even when he was. He faced everything with defiance. Your mind is fixed on Sirius throughout breakfast, throughout Tonks's constant questions and - you have to admit - flirting. You remember how just a few moments before you argued, you watched him sleep and wondered what on earth you'd do if anything ever happened to him. You realise you're still terrified by the thought and promise yourself you'll apologise tonight, maybe even let him out of the house for a bit. In all fairness, you think, he isn't in much more danger than the rest of you at this stage.
It's not until you arrive home late that night, to an empty house with Dumbledore's statement still ringing in your ears - Remus, he's gone, you can't do anything for him - that you realise you never apologised to him for fighting with him that morning.
You never got to tell him once more how much you love him. How much he meant to you
It's too late now.
AN: I'm not sure how obvious this is, but it's set the morning that Sirius dies. I hadn't started this meaning to write that ending but it just kind of fitted. I'll be writing a few more 'You Wake Up…' fics when Sirius is still alive, just to show that my mind does not work in chronological order, and then two after he dies.
Please let me know what you thought of it :)