Not Obito!
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Starbucks!
A/N: Super props to Legally Brunett, who gave me the idea and for whom, consequently, this fic is for! Now, I want you to shush and accept the compliments with a gracious smile. YOU HAVE GOOD IDEAS!! And I will not let you say otherwise.
Summary: Crack! KakaTobi. The Copy Nin meets the Good Boy, and thinks he's a long lost friend. When the mistake is cleared up, Tobi is only too glad to accept Kakashi's apology.
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"Tobi, are the lights ready?"
"Yes, sempai. Tobi has readied the lights for your dramatic entrance."
"Good, un. How's my hair look?"
"Very good, sempai. Almost as good as Tobi's!"
"Psh. My hair, Tobi, will always be better than yours, un."
The black haired male sighed dejectedly. "Yes, Deidara sempai."
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Naruto, Sakura, Sai, Yamato and Kakashi were looking for Sasuke. At Starbucks. Some might say that was rather stupid, because why would Emo Prince Uchiha Sasuke be at Starbucks? Those people show their ignorance of above mentioned Emo Prince. The truth is, Naruto was Sasuke's best friend, and uh, shit, so he knew that the Lord of All Things Angsty and Melodramatic could only go so long without coming in for a double whip mocha latte with a twist of mint.
"Any minute now…" Naruto muttered to himself.
Sai nodded. "Right. So, after he comes here and we lure him back to Konohagakure with these gummy worms, you'll go out with me?"
"…any minute now…"
"FINALLY!!" Sasuke burst in, followed by Suigetsu, Karin, and Juugo, "Sweet nirvana, I have come for you!"
"Now?" Sakura asked.
"No. Wait for it…"
The Uchiha stalked over to the counter and grabbed the collar of the behind-the-counter employee. "Double whip mocha latte with a twist of mint. Water with a hint of strawberry for shark tooth over there. Iced tea for the slut—"
"Hey!"
Suigetsu raised an eyebrow. "Who are you kidding?"
"Still. That was mean."
"And a glass of warm milk for the giant dude."
"Actually, I find I prefer coffee—"
"Juugo?"
"Yes, Sasuke?"
"Shut the hell up."
"…Yes Sasuke."
There was a loud crash, and the store's windows shattered into a thousand twinkling pieces as Deidara swooped in on a clay bird.
"Beware, bitches! Un! Leader-sama sent me to kick some Lawful Good and Misguided Good ass!"
"Tobi is with sempai because Tobi is a GOOD BOY!!"
Kakashi gasped dramatically and leapt out of his hiding place behind the skim milk. "Obito!"
"Bless you," Yamato said fondly.
"No!" the Copy Nin gestured wildly to the man with the mask (well, the OTHER man with the mask), "That's my dead teammate/best friend/lover, Obito!"
"Your dead teammate/best friend/lover?" Sakura asked skeptically, "He looks pretty alive to me."
Deidara turned around and slapped his partner. Due to the fact that his partner was wearing a mask, it didn't really hurt him, but boy the gesture was savage. "Tobi! What have I told you about stealing my thunder, un!?"
"You said if Tobi steals your thunder you will kick Tobi's tushie."
Kakashi leapt up and shoved Deidara in traditional tough guy manner. "Watch who you're slapping, punk! That's my lover! He didn't come back from the dead just to be pushed around by some blonde hussy! You tell her, Obito!"
"Who is Obito?" Tobi asked, "I am Tobi. And man-with-mask better watch out, because Deidara sempai is not a woman."
"Wha—AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!" Kakashi screamed as he was unceremoniously flung off the bird. Deidara's cobalt eye glinted with anger. "You're gonna get yours, bitch! Un!" his hand-mouths chewed voraciously and spat out two spider bombs, which he lobbed at the silver haired shinobi. "KATSU!"
KABOOM!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!"
Meanwhile, on ground level…
"Where the hell is my double mint mocha latte with a twist of mint, you jackass!?" the Supreme Pontiff of Misery demanded.
"Sir, I'd get it—if you could just let my collar go!"
Suigetsu turned to Karin. "So, you come here often?" he waggled his eyebrows. She shot him a look that suggested he ought to throw himself into a vat of acid and spare her the trouble of pushing him in herself.
"What? I'm just trying to—you're just standing there—and the guy up there is like—and Naruto—you know what? Screw this. I'm outta here." And with an extremely stylish hair flippy thing, the water nin walked out with all the dignity of a king.
"UNGH!"
"Walked into the door?" Juugo called out.
"Yeah. I'm still leaving though."
Naruto figured his plan had been shot to hell and beyond anyway, and jumped out of his hiding spot under the Peruvian coffee beans and clung to Sasuke in the most indecent way. "BEST FRIEND! Don't leave me, best friend! I love you, best friend! You're like…my best friend!"
"Hey," Juugo said, "Is that Sasuke's best friend?"
Sakura sized up Karin, who sized her up right back. "Slut," the former hissed.
"Skank," the latter spat.
"Sai!" the artist put in happily, waving at the women.
"Tenzou Yamato," the ANBU captain shook Karin's hand, "Pleasure to meet you."
Meanwhile, back to Tobi and his sempai and the victim of his sempai's anger…
"I AM NOT A WOMAN, UN!!"
"Obito, do something!"
"Is man-in-mask speaking of Tobi?"
"Yes, you nitwit!"
"What does man-in-mask want Tobi to do?"
"Kill the blondie!"
"Tobi is to not do that. Deidara-sempai is Tobi's most favorite sempai."
"You're my Obito! My lover! Why won't you obey your seme?!"
"Because man-in-mask is not my seme. Tobi has been forbidden by Deidara-sempai to sleep with strange men. And Tobi is a good boy, so Tobi does as he is told!"
Kakashi back flipped over the blond, knocked him unconscious with a bunny punch to the head, and scrutinized the man in front of him.
"You're not Obito?"
"Nope!"
"You're not the love of my life come back from the dead to have sex with me and live with me and have manbabies with me?"
"Nope!"
"You mean all the hopes and dreams I tucked away for years and revived in these last few minutes because I thought the one person I cared about most in the whole wide world came back to me are shattered?"
"Yep!"
"You jest."
"Nope!"
"Well this sucks."
Meanwhile, back on the ground…
"Naruto, you're an embarrassment," the King of Self Harm scoffed, "Now lemme go. Before I kick your ass, or something to that effect."
"Slut," Sakura hissed at Karin.
"Skank," Karin hissed back.
Yamato tugged at his teammate's sleeve. "Excuse me, but you've already done this."
Sai nodded. "Several times. It's getting as boring as Naruto's dick."
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"So," Naruto sighed, "You're definitely not coming home?"
"Positive. Maybe after I kill Itachi. In fact, definitely after I kill Itachi. It's not like I'll discover a life shattering secret about my brother and my clan that will turn me against Konohagakure for an indefinite amount of time."
"Okay. Take care, you," the blond hugged his friend.
"Is it okay if I bring Suigetsu back with me? And maybe the other two too?"
"Who?"
"Never mind."
Sakura sized up Karin, who sized her up back. "Slut."
"Skank."
"I kinda wanna bang their heads together," Sai said, "Those stupid bitches."
Yamato tutted then shrugged. "So do I."
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"Deidara-sempai! We have to go back; Tobi forgot his purse!"
"…I don't want to know why you HAVE a purse, un."
"But Deidara-sempai, Tobi's most favorite pink comb is in his purse!"
The clay bird stopped short in midair, and a speck of black was thrown off of it. "And get me a cappuccino on your way back, un!!"
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"Man-in-mask? Tobi is to wonder as to why you are here. Didn't your team leave, like an hour ago?"
Kakashi nodded despairingly. "But I thought I'd stay back and, uh, wallow in my misery and stuff."
"Let Tobi help with wallowing! And then man-in-mask may help Tobi to find his purse!"
Kakashi's lower lip began to tremble and he started to sob. "Obito had a purse too! It was pink and pretty and he always had a cute little bottle of lube in it!"
"Hey! That is what Tobi has in his purse! Only Tobi never gets to use his cute little bottle of lube," the brunet said sadly, "Because Deidara-sempai says he will not sleep with Tobi because Tobi is not a woman. Or Sasori-sama."
"That's too bad," Kakashi sighed.
"It is too bad," Tobi said, sitting next to the man. Kakashi glanced slyly at him out of the corner of his eye. "Hey, obi—Tobi?"
"Yes, man-in-mask?"
"It's Kakashi. And…you said you needed help finding your purse?" the man purred, scooting closer. Tobi nodded vigorously. "Yes, because it is Tobi's most favorite pink purse!"
"If I help you look for it, will you use that lube?"
"But Tobi is having no seme to—" the end of that sentence was lost as Kakashi wrapped an arm around the brunet's waist and put a hand on his thigh.
"Oh. You want to sleep with Tobi?"
"If Tobi is willing."
"Tobi is not allowed to fraternize with the enemy."
"Consider it an apology for having confused you with someone else, and for kicking your sempai's ass."
"Then Tobi is allowed to fraternize as he pleases!"
The purse was found quickly, and clothes were discarded faster. Tobi scratched his head sheepishly when the scarecrow moved in to kiss him, gesturing to his mask. Removing the offending object, Kakashi kissed him smoothly, dragging his tongue across the man's lower lip, begging for entrance. Tobi moaned into his mouth as their tongues danced together, his hands slipping into Kakashi's shirt and pressing hard against the firm flesh, running all over the man's abdomen.
Kakashi slid a hand down to Tobi's length, rubbing it tenderly to life. The dark haired male whimpered as the scarecrow pressed his erection to his, pulling the smaller man onto his lap. The bottle of lubricant was hastily opened, and Kakashi dipped his fingers into it, and pushed Tobi onto his back, coaxing his legs to separate. The other man squealed when a finger intruded him—it'd been so long since he'd done this, Deidara really was a mean sempai—and then relaxed enough for the Copy Nin to slide in another digit, and another. He grazed his fingers against Tobi's prostrate, making him yelp and throw up his arms in frustration, and Kakashi chuckled at the sight.
"Tobi wants you now…"
"Tobi's going to have to wait," Kakashi smirked, "I like to play with my food before I eat it."
"Man-in-mask is a cannibal?"
"Man-in-mask is going to eat you up, figuratively."
"That is alright with Tobi!"
Kakashi leaned down to kiss his way from the hollow of Tobi's throat to his navel, where a dark trail of hair led the way to temptation. The Uchiha let out a throaty rasp as the Copy Nin licked along his erect member, his nails digging into the shinobi's shoulders. The pain spurred Kakashi on, and he kissed his way back up the other male's torso, straddling him.
"Is…man-in-mask…done playing…?"
"It's all business now, babe."
Tobi gave a loud groan of relief, and Kakashi smeared some lubricant onto his aching dick. He guided himself to the man's entrance, and then entered harshly, Tobi wrapping his legs around his waist and breathing in great, ragged gulps of air. Kakashi drew out, and plunged right back in, each thrust hitting Tobi's prostrate and eliciting an encouraging sound of pleasurable happiness. Soon enough, the silver haired male too was losing control over his pounding, and came deep within the Uchiha. He stayed stiff for Tobi's sake, continuing to thrust through his post-orgasmic weariness, and the dark haired man came all over his stomach, clutching him for dear life.
"Holy SHIT! Tobi, what've I told you about sleeping with strange men, un!?"
"Deidara-sempai!?" Tobi yelped scrambling to cover himself. Kakashi too, ducked behind a pile of clothes, and the blond glared at them something fierce.
"I'm telling leader-sama, un! You are so grounded, h'mm!"
"So," Kakashi said, heading for the exit, "I'll call you."
"Aw, man, Tobi is busted."
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I was a little apprehensive about putting a lemon in a crack fic, but Tobi being Tobi helped.
P.S. thanks to gal pal Rachel Green (no, not really. But I'm hardly going to give you her REAL full name, am I?) for helping with Sasuke's titles.
P.P.S. If you caught the Friends reference (and I'm guessing you probably did even if you just know the show exists) and can tell me what episode it's from, I present to you an intangible platter of utterly worthless cookies! :hands over platter: