In This Life
Summary: Spock finds himself choosing between the life he has lived and the live he has yet to live, between his own choices and those of Spock Prime. Spock Prime/Kirk Prime, Spock/Uhura.
Response to st xi kink prompt: "This grief is crowned with consolation."
Warnings: Brief, non-explicit mentions of Spock Prime/Kirk Prime SLASH.
The mission was simple. The Enterprise was to deliver supplies to Vulcan II, docking for approximately one Terran week to oversee the development of the new Vulcan Colony. Spock was to offer his help in the scientific department particularly in regard to the reconstruction of architecture and replication of significant cultural artifacts.
It was not the mission that concerned him. The mission was logical. However, Spock had conscientiously avoided his alternate self. This was illogical and difficult but he managed to do it.
Instead, he occupied his social company with those of his crew, in particular Uhura and attempted to reconcile with his father. Not that Sarek would admit to as irrational and emotional response as bearing a grudge but the tension between them had not diminished. Spock stood by the decision he made and he would not rescind his StarFleet position. Yet he knew that with the destruction of their home planet, now was not the time for them to deny their familial connection. Now that his mother was no longer alive to mediate between them.
He knew that Spock Prime was seeking him. His counterpart was not inconspicuous about why he sought his younger self: the Ambassador wanted to talk to him about his relationship with the Jim Kirk of his timeline. But Spock did not know what to say to his alternate self regarding this matter. He found it awkward when the Ambassador spoke of His Jim and Your Jim. He obviously felt that such informality with the Captain was appropriate and Spock did not know how to disabuse him of the notion.
Spock would concede that he felt an uncomfortable longing, a human emotion he would identify as ... jealousy. He was envious of his alternate self. After all, his counterpart was able to spend much of his lifetime with his mother. Time he thought he would have too. He did not have to witness his mother disappear in front of him. For this, Spock still blamed himself. And if Spock Prime was part of himself, part of him felt it was only logical to blame him as well. Why could he not have come back to help himself? All of his reasoning now went beyond logic but he found that he could not put it aside. If asked, he would say he had no particular emotion for Spock Prime because Vulcans do not express such illogical predilections. However, he knew that he did dislike his counterpart.
Another reason that Spock was avoiding the Ambassador Spock even via electronic transmission was that he liked to ask him about Your Jim. It was obvious that his counterpart had a close friendship and respect for Kirk, regardless of which timeline he was in. The Ambassador did not seem disturbed that this Captain Kirk was not from his timeline. Perhaps he did not care. But the fondness was apparently and the grief. It was too soon still from his loss and he did not want to see that in his own eyes. His mother's eyes that would appear untouched even by age. He was surprised that he looked even more human as he aged.
"Because you needed each other. I could not deprive you of the revelation of all that you could accomplish together, of a friendship that will define you both in ways you cannot yet realize. "
James T. Kirk was his captain and Spock respected him. It was a begrudging respect borne of his rank at first but Spock had come to understand that this human did have extraordinary innovative thinking even if he was completely inconsistent. Spock felt that Ambassador Spock was too forceful in trying to put them together. Spock mused that the Ambassador could be called the human equivalent of a 'matchmaker'. It was as if he wanted to vicariously project his future onto him. His elder counterpart assumed that he could understand him because he was him but that was not entirely true. Spock understood that he and Spock Prime had exactly the same biological make-up but the circumstances of their lives were different. His own counterpart's meddling had ensured that it would be irreversibly so. So things had changed in the most unprecedented way. Spock did not have the self-assurance that his counterpart developed, nor the confidence of his own ability to play with timelines. He wondered how the Ambassador came to be so. Rather, standing next to the Ambassador only reminded him of how much more...incomplete broken he was. As illogical as that may be.
Spock surmised that the human adage was true. You cannot run from your past. Spock Prime would find him and his own pattern of avoidance was behaviour unbecoming of a Vulcan. Since today was his last day present on Vulcan II and he departed in thirteen point nine minutes, he expected that any moment now his counterpart would turn up.
His counterpoint did not disappoint.
"Commander Spock," the elderly Vulcan greeted calmly.
Spock inclined his head in acknowledgment. "Ambassador Spock."
The elder Vulcan's lips quirked upwards at the corners and it was obvious he found their current situation amusing. "You can be very difficult to locate, Commander."
"I apologise," Spock said in clipped tones. "I have been otherwise occupied."
"Of course. I too apologise if I have made you uncomfortable in seeking you. That was not my intention."
Spock merely nodded. "How may I be of assistance to you, Ambassador?"
"I wish to explain some matters of great personal importance," the Ambassador began in a low voice though the hangar in which they were standing was empty. "I have been trying to tell you that the captain Jim of my timeline was my t'hy'la. This is why I have been what you might deem...interfering. You must forgive me because even though your Jim is not of my timeline, I can feel similarities in him. It is as if the bond is bought alive with his presence. You will experience something so great, if you will only bond with him. You will have so many great adventures together. I wish to ensure that you will not miss out on so great a blessing. Please, promise me, no, promise yourself this." The Ambassador seemed overcome with emotion, the words jumbling in a show of human vulnerability.
Spock knew what the Ambassador was asking and he sympathised with his counterpart. He imagined if he were to lose Uhura he would be emotionally compromised to that state in which his counterpart found himself in. Still. "You ask too much of me, Ambassador," he said. This news, thought he had suspected it, was still a shock. His counterpart had lost his t'hy'la. The pain was unthinkable, unimaginable. "Forgive me, I...I cannot."
"You must," the elder Vulcan insisted. "I understand that you feel that you have found companionship with Uhura but I know, even if I seem emotionally compromised, I know in my heart that you are not meant to be with her. I know that it is right to be with Jim. I beg you. Forgive me this but you must bond with Jim."
The half-Vulcan in front of him seemed to age visibly even though Spock knew that this was impossible. Spock noted that his counterpart's hair was gracefully streaked with silver even though he had few wrinkles. He supposed that was why humans thought his counterpart looked very wise. Yet his elder counterpart seemed burdened with sorrow, eyes filling with unshed tears. Spock turned his gaze away, staring at his Star Fleet issue boots. "Then you must forgive me for my decision, Ambassador. You advised me to put aside logic and do what feels right to me. I choose to remain with Lieutenant Uhura. This is what feels right to me."
The older Vulcan insisted, "Know that you cannot avoid destiny. He and you are destined to be. It is your destiny to be at Jim's side."
Spock looked at his counterpart with renewed conviction, troubled but unable to give in. He could not bond with Jim, not when Uhura was his. That did not feel right to him. He did not want to terminate his relationship with her. Being with the human female was his choice to make, not anyone else's even if the person requesting this of him was himself from another timeline. "Perhaps it is so," he conceded. "If events occur to be thus I shall not contest it. However, it is my belief that we are living parallel universes. We are and we are not the same. In your universe, you chose to be with Captain Kirk. But in this life, I choose to be with Lieutenant Uhura."
"I am not saying that she is any less worthy a candidate but she is not who completes you." An edge of desperation had filtered into the elder Vulcan's speech, distorting his usually calm tones.
"Ambassador Spock," Spock spoke his own name to catch his counterpart's attention. "With all due respect, Captain Kirk will not mean any less to me because I wish to bond with Uhura. I serve him as my captain. You yourself said that the course of destiny has already changed then it is only...logical that other aspects may be different. "
"Duly noted. Then is it not logical to walk in the same ways as the past simply because we can know what glories that will bring? To take advice from someone who has walked this path before? It is an illogical risk. To borrow from the human analogy, you will regret the road not taken. "
"I take your words into my consideration but I am afraid you will not be able to convince me. I can only make one choice. I can only have one t'hy'la. I choose not to be logical, Ambassador. I willing take the risk of regret because I feel that the alternate loss will be greater. Please consider that this may be the right path for me now, in this life, in light of everything that has changed. This is what feels right to me." He emphasised that latter part, hoping that his counterpart would understand. He did not want to dispute over the issue of his counterpart's t'hy'la – it would be disrespectful. He knew that Uhura accepted him for who he was despite what he felt, despite what he didn't feel. Even in the greatest time of need when he was emotionally compromised, she had not abandoned him. He did not care that he had no logical reason, Uhura was right for him. Spock had not met anyone else like her that stirred his emotions so and in such a pleasant way. She was not afraid of him even though she had seen him misuse his strength against his captain. His captain who had forgiven him even with all the foibles of the humans. It was no secret that Jim could incite emotion out of him as well and Jim was an incredible individual. But Uhura...his Nyota...was beyond words.
"I understand. I accept that this Uhura has qualities which are attractive to you. Your defense of your decision was sound. I will respect your decision. And I will accept Uhura is your...your t'hy'la." It is clear that the elder Vulcan found the admission difficult but Spock is grateful that he does not ask more of him. "My best wishes to you."
Spock can hear the disappointment and grief colouring the Ambassador's voice and though it is for different reasons, Spock knows that they are sharing the same emotions. This grief is crowned with consolation, he thought, at least the Ambassador will be able to see his t'hy'la live a second time. And Spock has his life ahead of him. He needs to make his own choices as he always had. He still has so much more to gain from this life.
"And to you, Ambassador. I hope you find peace," Spock says sincerely, spreading his fingers in the traditional hand salute. He watched the Ambassador with a mixture of relief and sadness as the elder Vulcan retreated to the new Vulcan colony. Spock does not let himself grieve for too long. He has a ship to catch, a Captain to serve and his bond mate to love. They were waiting for him.
All criticism welcome.