Knockin' on Heaven's Gate by HeirOfNorton
(At the end of Esteemsters, Daria brought her family—somewhat unwillingly—to a UFO convention. What happened next...?)
Chapter One: Joey
The three of us were surrounded by weirdos. Not the first time. Probably won't be the last. I couldn't help staring at all the Romulans, Reticulans, and robots hanging around the convention center. They were just really creepy.
Mom would make a fortune if she could get all of them as her patients. They sure have enough psychological problems. She was telling me one time about herd mentality, and people all acting the same or whatever, but Jamie and Jeffy and me were playing Mario Kart and I missed most of it.
"Can you believe these losers?" I finally said. "Why would anyone want to get beamed up here?"
"Yeah," Jeffy said, "and they totally got the color of the saucers wrong."
"Why did we come here, anyway?"
"It was Jamie's idea. He thought the costumes would be funny, or something."
Jamie perked up a bit at his name, like usual. Jeffy and me are the only ones who usually get it right. "They're all acting like clones, or something," he slowly said in his most thoughtful voice. "They're all doing exactly the same thing and don't even know why."
"Totally"
"The losers."
We walked around the stadium, almost getting run over by a lizard-boy on roller skates. We were just about to cream the punk when we heard the angel's voice.
"Mom! Dad! You guys, wait up!" We all just stopped and stared at the red headed goddess as she ran before us. Suddenly the day was looking better.
"Whoa, who's that?" Jeffy asked.
"Dude, that's the new girl. Quinn, or something." Jamie said. "She's in our English class."
"I always sleep through English," I said. I rubbed my eyes to make sure she wasn't just an illusion. "How'd I miss seeing her? She would've made for way better dreams."
She was coming closer, but didn't seem to see us yet. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jeffy start to move like he was gonna wave or something. I grabbed him and yanked him back. No way was he gonna beat me to meeting the goddess. Then I felt felt an elbow in my back from Jamie, and Jeffy shoved at Jamie's face but lost his balance. It was on for sure at that point.
"Hands off!" "She's mine!" "I saw her first!" "You got to date the last one!" "No way she'd go out with you—" "I'd match her hair better!" "I scored last game's touchdown!" "I'll beat you to her any day!"
Mom actually says it's a good thing when me and the guys fight like this. She calls it 'aggression therapy' or something. Says that we work out our 'society-mandated competitiveness and aggression' physically, so that we don't build up bad feelings or anger by keeping it bottled up. She says that Dad kept it all bottled up, and that's why he snapped at that insurance salesman and went to jail, but I think she's giving the insurance guy too much credit. I tried explaining it to the guys once, but they didn't understand any of it except that fighting with each other is good, as long as no one gets hurt too badly to play at the next game. Whatever.
"Hey! Where'd she go?" Jeffy suddenly shouted. We stopped fighting in an instant, looking around.
"You let her get away!" Jamie said.
"Shut up and look for her."
We searched as quickly as we could. We thought we saw her right away, but it was just some other red headed chick in a Xena costume. An older chick who really, really shouldn't ever wear a Xena costume. I barely kept from screaming at the sight, and Jamie whimpered a little.
"Over there, is that her?" Jeffy said, pulling Jamie away from the sad sight. Finally. From across the stadium we could see the flash of red hair over a pink t-shirt. That had to be her. We ran for it, not even trying to fight, just eager to get to that girl again.
I spared a glance back to see if I was leaving the two doofuses behind—I am the fastest runner, no matter what the coach says—and crashed headfirst in a booth. Weird crappy crystals went flying everywhere. Then Jamie ran into me, knocking more crystals around, and Jeffy crashed into him, knocking us all on the ground and taking the booth with us.
It took us a minute to untangle ourselves. There was some little brat with a crystal around his neck staring at us.
"You're gonna be in so much trouble when my dad gets back!"
"Shut up, kid, or we'll break you as much as the booth," I said. I wouldn't, really. I'd just give him a fat lip or something. I'm not a bully.
"No you won't," the little turd said. "My dad's right there!"
We ran, and didn't look back. What else could we do? We ended up hiding behind a giant lizard alien statue looking around to make sure no one was following us, but we had escaped. The kid was probably lying.
"Now what?" Jeffy asked. "We lost her."
We cautiously made our way back to where we'd seen her last, some stupid 'get your picture with the alien' booth, but she was gone. We wandered aimlessly for a while. Jamie suggested splitting up, but we all knew that wouldn't work. Whoever found her first would keep her all to himself, without even giving the other guys a chance to fight for her. I sure would. So we just checked booth by booth.
Then I had a brilliant idea. I am the smartest one, after all, that's why I'm the leader. If we had gone all the way around the convention without seeing Quinn, then she must be going around it too. I turned around, almost knocking Jamie over, and immediately spotted the goddess again.
"There's Quinn!" I pointed, then almost smacked myself. I should have tried to get away from the other two so I could have Quinn all to myself. Oh well, too late now. I'll just have to prove I'm the best, and that they are just morons tagging along. Shouldn't be too hard.
She was speaking to some other boy, I think I've seen him at school. Luke something. Well, he obviously had to go, and we were just about to introduce ourselves to Quinn and get rid of the dweeb when we heard a voice cry out nearby. "Oh my gosh, is it really you?" I looked over, then had to look down. Great, another little brat was staring at us with eyes as big as flying saucers. "It is! It is you!"
"Uh, what do you mean, kid?" Jeffy asked.
"Dude, he's like, a football fan. Duh." Jamie drawled out.
"Hey Dad!" The kid shouted. "Look, it's them! It's the alien triplets I told you about!"
"Wait, what?" I asked.
A tall man ran around the corner, staring at us as much as the kid. "It is them, just like you described them!" He ran up and grabbed by arm. "Please, masters, take me back to your world like you took my son."
"Hey, get off me!" I shouted as I pulled free from the freak.
"Don't forsake us!" There was a crowd gathering arond us now, and a lot of them were staring as us just like the weird guy and his kid. "We radio your stars every night, just waiting to become disciples for you, Triplogon the Great! We know you rule the galaxy with a kind but stern hand, and we just want to serve!"
We backed up carefully, really creeped out now, but the crowd just pressed closer. Another guy about same age as us, but with a face completely covered with zits and a nose as big as a football, ducked to the front of the crowd.
"Hi, I'm Artie. Do you know the Greys who dropped me off here?"
I turned, ready to run, but didn't even finish my first step before a very heavy hand came down onto my shoulder. I looked up into the face of a very fat man with a mustache, a couple dozen crystals hanging off his neck, and a face purple with rage.
"Well, Triplogon," he said very quietly, "if you're such a great galactic ruler then you can afford to pay for my booth you demolished."
I drew in a breath like I was going to answer him, then shoved his hand off and ran as fast as my legs could take me. I didn't even check to see if the guys were following. I just ran like I was heading for a touchdown five seconds from the end of the game. I was out the doors, across the parking lot, and down the street before I slowed and looked back.
Jeffy and Jamie were right behind, a look of blind panic in their faces. The fat man was following us, too, but he was way behind. I just kept running, but wasn't worried. No way a chub like that could catch up to three seasoned athletes like us.
"What about Quinn?" Jeffy finally asked, getting his breath back at the easier pace.
"We'll have to find her at school tomorrow," I said.
"Cool," Jamie said. "I know where she sits in English class."
"Wait, no fair," I said, finally stopping and turning to the other guys. "You shouldn't get her first just because you saw her there before."
"Yeah," Jeffy said. "Besides, I have a different home room than you two, so you could get her there and leave me behind."
"I thought all was fair in love and whatever."
"It is, that's why I'm gonna get her first!"
"No way, you jerk, I'll get her before classes even start tomorrow."
"Not with a broken nose, you won't!"
After that we mostly just hit each other, though we didn't actually break anything. No one is supposed to get hurt, except for that one charlie-horse I gave Jamie in the arm. That doesn't count.
Mom would be proud.