Breathe. It was what you are trying to do; what you seemingly couldn't accomplish. No matter how hard you tried you couldn't. You tried screaming out, tossing, turning, but to no avail. Your dead, so what does it matter?

What is that? What is that you see in the distance? Something probably, But, it doesn't matter, it doesn't exist anyway.

A glass of water floats in a body of water. Can it all be counted as one body or would it even matter because nothing exists?

What is that? What is that you see in the distance? Something probably, but, it doesn't matter, it doesn't exist anyway.

Welcome to Night vale

Hello listeners, and a happy Super bowl Sunday to you all. As you know the channel to watch the games have been blocked but, as usual you can just watch your extra-large soup bowl that's in your cupboard. If you don't happen to have an extra-large out-of-use soup bowl you can always go to Old Lady Josie's and get one. She claims that she always has an abundance of them because she had bought them for her winged companions for soup, but, as they being holy beings didn't really ever need them.

The teams that came in the running are the Running Red bowls and the Blue China dishes. The Running Red Bowls the 8 year champs may be in for a beating; as it seems the Blue China dishes sure know how to dish out a can of whip topping. But, we'll just have to see who will win, won't we listeners?

Well, besides our Super Bowl festivities we have the Night Vale boy scouts selling arms and legs that they presumably found on Appendage Ave. so if you are in need of an arm or leg please contact the Night vale boy scouts at #666-666-616. If you prefer face to face contact you can find them at their new Scout fort, which is located in the new acquired swampy area next to the dog park. It is very hard to miss.

Oh! Wait! I'm getting a note from our new intern Joseph. Alright never mind, do not, I repeat do not go to the swampy area by the dog park. DO NOT. You do not want to go meet the Night Vale scouts. They have not been finding those extremities on Appendage Ave. they have been tearing them off of poor by passers. No one knows where these by passers' bodies are being kept. If you know anything be sure to notify the sheriff's secret police and then I'm sure you'll see those by passers again and maybe even with a new set of arms and legs. Now for traffic.

There's a teddy bear. This teddy bear is sitting in a back seat of a jeep. This teddy bear is very lonely right now. The teddy's care takers have been in the cinema for hours now. Teddy decides that he doesn't want to be lonely anymore, so, Teddy unbuckles himself, and gets out of the jeep. Teddy then starts walking down the street. It seems that this was his calling, to get out of that suffocating jeep and walk down that street. All the cars had veered off to the side of the road and crashed into light poles and stores that were nearby making a very nice, clear, path. Oh yes, Teddy was going to see the world beyond that horrid jeep.

Listeners…. You will not guess what happened last night! I was trying to hold it in but, I can't anymore! Ok, last night Carlos called me wondering if I had three eggs! Now, I know what you're thinking: Cecil, It's only three eggs. I know it's only three eggs but, to me it sounded like he was using code. Like three eggs could have stood for anything, ya know? For instance if he would have said "Hey, do you have any waffles?" that could be translated to "Hey, do you want to meet me at a café, tonight?"

Anyway, after he asked me that I replied with a nervous "Yes, I do! I do have eggs, do you need some?" Yes, listeners I asked if he needed them, it was stupid I know. Why would he call if he didn't need eggs? He wouldn't. Then, listeners, then he asked if he could come over and grab them! Can you believe it listeners!? He wanted to come over to my house and grab three eggs! I obviously said yes!

Oh it seems I'm going to have to cut my chatter short with breaking news. According to new news Mayor Pamela Winchell was being questioned by news reporters on the topic of the new swampy area while walking to the nearest breakfast eatery when she started screaming "NOOOOOOO I WILL NOT GIVE YOU MY SOUL! IT WILL NEVER BE YOURS!" at the top of her lungs and holding her fingers out in front of her to form a cross. Then at that very moment a silver Toyota pulled up and another Mayor Pamela Winchell came out of the auto mobile strolled through the crowd of reporters to the other Mayor Pamela Winchell. The second Mayor perforated the first Mayor in the face with her fist and the first Mayor was on the ground within seconds of impact. The second Mayor started yelling "I AM THE QUEEN OF THE DAMNED! YOU WILL FALL TO YOUR KNEES IN WORSHIP!" She then grabbed the first Mayor by the hair and dragged her to the silver Toyota, threw her in, and drove away. I hope the two mayors will sort everything out all right.

Ooooooh listeners, when Carlos came over last night I swore I was melting. He looked so angelic, and beautiful! His hair was so handsomely untidy and looked as if it was just washed with the tears of a thousand angels…. Ooooh listeners… all he had on was a pair of faded blue jeans, a gray t-shirt underneath his lab coat and worn out converse. Dear, dear listeners, I could hardly speak taking in all of his godliness when he greeted me. When he said "Hey Cecil, Can I have those eggs?" Sweet, sweet listeners, his voice, the way he said Cecil. it was breathtaking. It was long and luscious, just Cecil. Listeners I could hardly contain myself! I just wanted to take thirty seconds of pure courageousness and embrace him on the spot! But, I didn't.

I invited him in making sure to get a good whiff of him as he passed me by the threshold. Hmmmmmmmm listeners… He smelled scrumptious. He walked into my kitchen with me trailing behind him getting a good look at his perky behind. I mean listeners when someone like Carlos, modeling material, strolls through your house you're going to ogle-eye them, right? Listeners I was totally dazed. I was still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that Carlos, the beautiful, wonderful, great scientist, Carlos was in my home! It was his luscious voice that snapped me out of my trance asking "Cecil, are the eggs in your fridge?" I was nearly a puddle by then listeners, so, all I could reply with was a scrambled sentence of incoherent, mumbled gibberish that sounded something like this " uhhm errr uhhh yea, mmm. I think so…" I was so embarrassed listeners! I must've sounded like an incompetent fool! I mean seriously listeners! He looked at me like I had grown a tail! But, listeners we're not even at the best part yet!

The only reason I'm telling you all this listeners is because something special happened last night! Ok, ok, I'll tell you! We were in my kitchen, let me repeat, Carlos and I were in my kitchen laughing and chattering about eggs and why the yolks are yellow when he said it was time for him to go and… Well I went to see him out when Carlos suddenly turns around and kisses me! Oh yes listeners! I was speechless! I was grinning from ear to ear like an idiot and he says "Thanks for the eggs, Cecil." I nearly died! Then he walked out the door and shut it behind him! It was great listeners!

Hhmmhmmm now a word from our sponsors:

Humans are carpooling together like a disfigured blob that convulses. They are screaming, yelling; protesting. They have gathered together in front of one of the rather significant buildings in town, city hall. One of the protesters detach from the blob to lead their voices. In a fashion somewhat like this:

"What do we want!?"

"Meat!"

"When do we want it?!"

"Right now! All day, every day!"

This repeated for a long while until an official came out and addressed the crowd, "You want your meat?!" He paused, dramatically awaiting the obvious answer. The protesters roared in response; he continued. "Fine! You can have it!" He then blew a whistle that hung around his neck and the doors to the hall opened just enough to fit a cow through and a man with a butcher knife. This man then slices into the cow several times, viciously. He and the crowd were splattered with blood. The butcher then reaches into the cow and pulls out the raw meat and throws it into the crowd.

McDonald's. I'm lovin' it.

Well listeners in other news according to news reporters the sheriffs secret police have investigated and found the passersby bodies and they are not in good shape. The bodies have been found mutilated and burnt to horrific extents. All of the bodies are missing both arms and legs including the head. They don't know what happened to the heads but, I sure do hope that they find them. I mean listeners what's a dead body without a head?

In addition to finding the bodies John Peters, you know, the farmer, has come to notice that the swampy area is growing. He says that when he passed by it this morning it was confined to just the space next to the dog park. Then when he passed by it again it's range widened by taking up its original space and 20 meters wider and climbing up a nearby light pole. He also couldn't help but notice that the Night Vale boy scouts were screaming like banshees, twisting their heads around their neck in 360s, climbing up and down nearby buildings that surrounded the swampy area, and doing it all while gnawing on a fried head in their mouths. If you ask me I think those boys need a time out.

Now for the weather…. Um I just got a note from our intern Joseph that we are having technical difficulties with the weather so we can just listen to the quiet hums of the refrigerator in the break room.

Well good Night Vale, Good Night.