Desperately Seeking Darth-
The product of yet another random brainwave, this idea came into being yesterday morning, inspired by the police report below. Couldn't help but think that it sounded like something Control Freak would do. Hence the story before you. Hope you enjoy.
(Springfield, Illinois) May 22, 2005 -
During a release of "Star Wars: Episode Three-Revenge of the Sith", one particular movie patron had already succumbed to the Dark Side.
Police in Springfield, Illinois say a man wearing a Darth Vader mask and costume walked into a movie theater, shoved an employee out of the way (he apparently did not possess the Force) and stole all the money from a register.
Investigators say the robber fled the theater, blending in with several other Vaders attending the premiere. Police have no suspects.
Investigators say the robber didn't display any weapons- not even a lightsaber.
Todd hated working next to a movie theater. By some type of cruel, divine joke, his office looked out directly at the cinema's west exit. It was degrading that the bank president was reduced to seeing children flinging Milk Duds at one another whenever he glanced up. Whether it was the concession debris littering the parking lot every morning or the crowd of screeching children entering the matinee, every aspect of the place filled him with revulsion. It was bad enough having to watch drunken teenagers trying to suck out each-other's tonsils every Friday, but today promised to be especially bad. Thankfully it wasn't the Rocky Horror Picture Show this time, but it was definitely the next worst thing: a Star Wars premiere.
Glancing out the window, Todd sneered at the crowd milling around the theater. The midnight opening wasn't even for another eight hours, but the fans already numbered in the hundreds. As he looked over the garish costumes and painted faces, he decided that there was truly no hope for society. If this was what the next generation (and some of his own generation, by the looks of it) consisted of, then humanity really had no chance of survival.
A series of knocks drew his attention to the door, where one of his clerks was nervously waiting.
"Something wrong Gary?" He tried to keep any hints of eagerness out of his tone, but he was desperate for a distraction, any distraction from the scene outside.
"Well, Mister Rouse, there's a bit of a problem up front. We were thinking it might be best for you to handle it."
Todd was confused as he headed for the lobby. His staff was well-trained and experienced. What kind of problem could possibly…
He let out his breath in an angry hiss when he noticed an extremely fat Darth Vader standing at the counter, shouting orders at a teller. Clenching his fists, he stepped behind the counter and cleared his throat.
"Excuse me, sir, but can I help you?" Todd forced himself to remain polite.
Vader turned to face him, exaggerating his breathing to duplicate the hiss of a respirator. Todd found himself hating the man instantly.
"I've come to make a series of withdrawals, send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally, commander. There'll be no one to stop us this time!"
"Sir," Todd replied angrily. "You can't make a withdrawal if you don't have an account with us!"
"Accounts do not concern me, admiral. I want that money, not excuses." Reaching down to his belt, Vader withdrew a lightsaber and activated the glowing red blade.
Todd stared at the weapon for a moment, silently thinking that it was probably the most realistic prop weapon he'd ever seen in his life before it finally clicked. The disguise, the demands, the weapon.
"Oh, I see now," he said through stifled laughter. "You're attempting to rob us, aren't you?" Reaching over to the phone, he cast another look at the portly Sith and chuckled. "If you'll just wait a moment, I'll have the police here shortly."
Vader raised his lightsaber over his head, and Todd sighed in exasperation. "I admire your dedication to this nonsense, but I'm not afraid of a toy weapon."
Vader's response was to chop downwards, the red blade of light slicing the counter in half and cutting into the floor. As sparks flew, Todd found himself once again staring down the energy sword. Only now, it seemed far more intimidating.
Vader seemed to smile behind his helmet. "I find your lack of faith disturbing."
The familiar beeping of the alarm sent the denizens of Titan's Tower into a flurry of activity. One member more than the others.
"Titans, trouble!"
Robin dove over the couch, using a handspring to launch himself to the computer. It was an impressive display of acrobatics, tempered only by the fact that walking around the sofa would have taken only a few seconds more.
"Man, I don't know why he's gotta be in such a rush to get over there," Cyborg whispered to Raven as the others jogged into the Common Room. "Does he think it's gonna hang up on him or something?"
"It's his way of showing enthusiasm, Cyborg. You act the same whenever we go to a restaurant that serves buffalo wings."
"Heh, touché," he admitted as the team gathered behind their leader. The Boy Wonder turned to face them, and in a rare moment, Robin seemed unsure of what to say.
"Alright everyone, we've uh, we've just received notice of a robbery at Stockman Bank, yea Stockman Bank on Nelson St. According to reports, the heist, it was, well, perpetrated by Darth Vader, who escaped with an undisclosed amount of money. He, umm, why are you guys looking at me like that?"
Starfire was the first to speak up. "Robin, I am ashamed to admit this, but I believe you have been doing the drinking. Perhaps it was the fault of my latest attempt at creating the -ade of lemons? I had made some type of mistake, as Raven informed me that it had fermented, and…"
Robin smacked his fist on the back of a chair. "I'm not drunk you guys! That's what the report said, Darth Vader robbed a bank! He cut the bank counter in half with his lightsaber and levitated the money away!"
"Listen dude, we're not accusing you of anything, but you realize that Darth Vader is a movie character right?"
Raven decided to step in and save their leader from any further embarrassment. "Exactly, and who do we know that is pathetic enough to dress up as a movie character?"
Cyborg laughed and grabbed Beast Boy's arm, raising his hand. "Got one right here!"
"Hey, who are you calling pathetic, scrap heap?" Beast Boy yelled as he tackled Cyborg.
"You, ya broccoli chomping momma's boy!"
Raven sighed as the two began wrestling on the floor. "Let me rephrase that. Pathetic enough to dress up as a movie character to commit crimes?"
"Ooh, ooh, I know! Control Freak, right?" Beast Boy yelled from where Cyborg had him pinned to the floor. As soon as the words left his mouth, a pensive look covered his face. "Wait a sec, Rob you said he robbed the bank on Nelson right?"
At Robin's nod he closed his eyes and groaned. "Dudes, this isn't going to be easy."
"Why not," Cyborg asked. All we gotta do is find a fat guy dressed in black carrying a light…saber. Oh dang."
Starfire looked between the two boys. "Please, why is this so upsetting?"
The green boy looked up at them incredulously. "Dudes, do you not know where that is? It's next door to the biggest movie theater in the state! And tonight's the midnight opening for the new Star Wars movie! Control Freak's gonna blend in like Robin at a stoplight convention!"
"I'm sure you're exaggerating." Stepping up to the monitor, Raven accessed the security cameras outside the bank. When the image appeared, Raven found herself speechless.
The monitors revealed a massive group of fans outside the building, each of them dressed as a character from the movies. And scattered throughout the crowd, their black helmets shining in the sun, were nearly forty Darth Vaders.
Robin glanced away from the monitors long enough to chug another cup of coffee. As the bitter liquid tumbled down his throat, he paused, looking at the brown sediment at the mug's bottom. How many cups was that? He could barely even remember anymore. Staring into the cup, he deduced that he'd drank roughly one cup every twenty minutes. Based on how long he'd been sitting here, that made twelve cups. After deciding that it might be a good idea to cut back on the java, he looked back up at the screen. And realized that he'd lost track of the Vader he'd been following.
He dropped his head to the keyboard and groaned. Without knowing which Darth was the real Control Freak, he'd determined that searching the theater was out of the question. As soon as the Titans revealed themselves, the dastardly dork would attempt to flee, and their one chance of catching him could be lost. Unfortunately, searching for him by camera was proving to be even more difficult. In the four hours that had passed, several more Vaders had arrived, and the crowd had become so large that they were nearly impossible to track.
Resigning himself to examining yet another possible suspect, Robin leaned closer to the monitor, his eyeballs aching from the glare.
"Any sign of him yet, dude?"
The sound of Beast Boy's voice was a welcome distraction from his surveillance, and Robin turned around to address his friend, only to see the changeling loaded down with shopping bags.
"Umm, what exactly is all this?"
The younger boy grinned from somewhere behind the pile. "Supplies for our mission! Since we haven't found Control Freak your way, it's time we move on to Plan B! Going undercover."
"THIS is what you've been doing while I've been burning my eyes out watching cameras like a mall cop?"
"Trust me dude, this plan is fool-proof. And don't worry, you've got the most important job of all!"
Robin wasn't sure he even wanted to know.
It had taken quite awhile before the team was ready to go. Very little time was spent preparing or infiltrating the crowd. Most of the delay had been caused by Beast Boy's largely futile attempts to convince the others to participate. Starfire of course, had been enthusiastic, and Cyborg quickly warmed up to the idea. Robin had been brought on board after Beast Boy agreed to extra chores and two additional hours training each day.
Raven, well he still wasn't sure how she had finally been coerced. He liked to think it was because she had given in to his boyish charms, although she would stubbornly testify that she was merely tired of his whining. Even then, she had given him the mother of all death glares and ominously whispered, "You owe me big time, and I always collect on my debts."
After quickly changing into their disguises, the team made it to the theater with less than an hour before show time. They had to find Control Freak, and fast. Once at their destination, Beast Boy quickly laid out the plan, and Robin realized for certain that his team mate was insane. But now was not the time to have second thoughts, because Operation: Desperately Seeking Darth was about to commence.
Sneaking up behind his target, Robin crouched low and quietly grabbed the corner of Vader's cape. Careful not to make any sudden moves, he attached a tracking device to the fabric before leaping backwards and away from the unsuspecting Darth. Another false alarm.
After ensuring that he was out of sight, he pulled out a walkie-talkie. "This is Farm Boy calling Fuzzball, Farm Boy to Fuzzball, you got a copy?"
A burst of static accompanied Cyborg's voice. "Loud and clear Farm Boy. Anything to report?"
"Got another Darth tracked, confirm you see the signal?"
Cyborg was silent for a few moments before responding. "Yep, I see the marker. That makes thirty-five Vaders present and accounted for, none of them our target."
Had he already tracked down that many? This was beginning to get tedious. A sudden feeling of indignation crept over him, and he brought the radio up again. "Nerf Herder! Come in!"
"Hey dude, I mean Farm Boy! What's up?"
"Why am I the one who has to be running around, nearly getting trampled? Why can't someone else be the 'Sith Stalker' for awhile?"
"Robin," Beast Boy explained slowly. "First, you've got the best skills for the job. None of us are as good at ninja'ing around as you are."
'Ninja'ing?' Robin mouthed the word to himself, wondering where Beast Boy came up with that one.
"Second, your costume has the best chance of provoking a reaction from Control Freak. We're counting on you to bait him out."
It all made sense, but that didn't help Robin feel any better. "Well, how come you couldn't have worn this disguise then? Why do I have to do it?"
What sounded like a nervous gulp came from Beast Boy's end. "I've got my reasons. Anyway, you've got an untracked Darth in your area! Get after him Farm Boy, over!"
Control Freak was having the time of his life. Not only had he pulled off one of the biggest and easiest robberies of his career, he had managed to effortlessly hide out and secure admittance to the greatest movie event of the summer! All he had to do was lay low for another fifteen minutes; it was the perfect scheme!
Unfortunately, it was not to be. What little self-control the fat fiend possessed was thrown out the window when his path was crossed by an elderly man wearing a brown, hooded cloak. Control Freak's eyes lit up. Here was a perfect opportunity to flaunt his encyclopedic knowledge in a dramatic and awe-inspiring manner!
Dashing in front of the man, he assumed what he hoped was an ominous stance and began to mimic Vader's breathing. "I've been waiting for you Obi-Wan. We meet again at last!"
The man seemed to hesitate, his eyes narrowing in confusion. "The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner. Now, I am the master."
Instead of responding, the man stepped past him and continued walking. So unexpected was this that Control Freak was left standing in place and sputtering to himself in shock. This was inconceivable! Didn't this old man know how to role play properly? Chasing after his quarry, Control Freak leapt back into his path.
"You should not have come back."
"What are you talking about? You're the one following me you idiot!" The old man pushed him aside and once again tried to depart. But this time, Control Freak was ready.
Lifting his arm, he pointed his opened palm towards the man's back and clenched his fist. Hidden behind his back, his other hand pressed a button on his remote. With a startled cry, the old man was lifted into the air.
Control Freak grinned in triumph. "Your powers are weak, old man!" He swept his arm to the side, and the man was sent hurtling through the air.
A black streak suddenly leapt out of the crowd, catching the man before he could crash into the ground. As they landed, Control Freak saw it was a teenaged boy who had caught his victim. As the youth straightened up to face him, he recognized the costume as Luke's from Return of the Jedi. Strangely enough, while the clothes were an exact match, the boy was wearing black sunglasses that completely obscured his face.
Sunglasses or no, this was another perfect opportunity for more Vader role play. And maybe this guy would actually know some of his character's lines.
"The Force is with you, young Skywalker," he recited as he began striding towards 'Luke.' "But you are not a Jedi yet."
"Guys, I found him. Get to my position as quick as you can," Robin ordered into his radio, making sure to keep his eyes fixed on the approaching Control Freak. "Beast Boy, hurry. What do I say now? He just told me I'm not a Jedi yet!"
"Aww man, you don't really say anything to him after that point. You guys pretty much start lightsaber fighting right away!"
"Are you nuts? I've got a plastic lightsaber! His cut through a wooden counter like it was butter!"
"Dude, just get out your sword and stall him! We're almost there!"
Robin was beginning to see a very serious flaw in Beast Boy's plan. Nevertheless, he revealed his lightsaber and switched on the power. The plastic lit up with a green glow, and Control Freak paused, seeming to closely examine the weapon.
"I see you have constructed a new lightsaber. Your skills are complete."
Robin had no idea if he was supposed to respond or not. Why couldn't Beast Boy have done this? He knew all the lines to these stupid movies! Without a better option, he continued to stand there, refusing to do anything that might blow his cover.
"Indeed you are powerful, as the Emperor has foreseen." With a flash of light, Control Freak's lightsaber ignited. Before Robin had a chance to react, the crimson blade cut his lightsaber in half, the broken plastic clattering to the sidewalk. As the villain advanced, Robin was really, really hoping for a miracle right about now.
"Yahoo!" The yell was accompanied by a blue laser blast that slammed into the ground at Control Freak's feet. He turned to the left to see the remaining Titans that had arrived to stop him.
"What?"
There was a large and furry Chewbacca with glowing blue arms, a gray-skinned Princess Leia in her outfit from Episode IV, a green Han Solo, and a red-haired woman who was dressed suspiciously like…
"WAIT JUST A MINUTE!" Control Freak's voice was high enough to shatter glass. "Mara Jade was not part of the original cast, nor did she appear in any of the films! I demand an explanation for this audacity!"
The Titans turned to Beast Boy, who fiddled with his thumbs nervously. "Well, you see, there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for that, which is GET HIM!"
Control Freak squawked in surprise before diving to the side as Robin tried to catch him with a jump kick. Scrambling to his feet, the portly criminal began clicking his remote nonstop, using the "Force" to deflect starbolts and sonic blasts in every direction. For a short time the battle was a stalemate, until Raven began pelting him with Vader helmets taken from other bystanders.
Control Freak stumbled back, blindly swinging his lightsaber to try and knock the projectiles aside. "Impressive."
Levitating the helmets, he began flinging them back at her. While his back was turned, Robin hit him with a shoulder-charge and sent him tumbling to the ground.
"Most impressive," He grumbled before pulling himself to his feet. He was preparing to reactivate his lightsaber when he noticed the absence of his beloved remote. Frantically looking around himself, he was horrified to see it in Beast Boy's hands.
"Nooooo! That gave me ultimate power! I was a Sith Lord!"
Beast Boy grinned and looked the device over. "Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed."
Control Freak's despair was rapidly replaced by anger. He charged at Beast Boy, or attempted to before Raven tripped him and sent him sprawling once again.
"That's no fair! That's my line! You can't be stealing Vader's lines!"
Cyborg laughed. "Come on man, you're just jealous that we beat you. Seriously though, you gotta find a better weapon then a remote control. After all, hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side."
Beast Boy's jaw dropped. "Dude, I'm supposed to say that! You're just supposed to stand there and growl!"
Raven slapped her forehead in annoyance. "You are all idiots."
All in all, the night hadn't ended too badly. They had captured Control Freak, returned the stolen money, and all without any civilian casualties or property damage. Pretty impressive for a night's work. Only a few things were left to be cleared up.
"Beast Boy," Starfire asked as they were leading Control Freak to the waiting police cruiser. "Something is troubling me. When we first began to fight the Control Freak, he expressed anger as to my disguise. He claimed that I did not belong. If this is true, why did you pick this clothing for me to wear?"
Beast Boy suddenly found everyone's eyes turning to him, and he realized that this time he would have to do some explaining.
"Hehe, well Star, that's a good question! I guess, umm, it's because Mara has red hair, and you have red hair? Uh, and you know, Robin's dressed as Luke and all… and… Luke and Mara… they…well, you know…"
Control Freak's hysterical laughter drew everyone's attention. The villain had almost collapsed onto the sidewalk, his face turned into an ecstatic smile.
"That is absolutely AWESOME! I get it now!" His laughter died down as a contemplative look came across his face. "Wait a minute, so does that mean that if you're Han and Raven's…"
"Dude, shut up!" Beast Boy raced forwards and shoved Control Freak into the car, slamming the door in his face. Even behind the glass, he could see Control Freak grinning and flashing him a thumbs up.
"He might think it's funny that Star gets to be whoever she is, but I don't see why I had to come as the walking carpet," Cyborg grumbled as he scratched the fake fur on his cheek. "Man I hate being Chewie."
"Count your blessings. At least you don't have to fight in a dress and hair buns." Raven was glaring at Beast Boy the entire time she spoke, and he got the unpleasant feeling that he would be paying off that debt to her very soon.
"Come on Raven. You didn't have to wear the dress you know. There was that other Leia outfit you could've taken." His eyes sparkled as he imagined the possibility. "Really wish you had picked that one…"
Raven growled and lifted him with her powers. Ignoring Beast Boy's frantic calls for help, she turned to the others. "If you three wouldn't mind finishing the police report, we're heading back home."
Not waiting for a reply, she dropped Beast Boy to the sidewalk. Still encasing him with her powers, she began dragging him along the ground behind her, taking great care to smack him into various objects along the way.
Beast Boy gave a half-hearted wave to his friends. "Ow! Raven, come on, let go! Oof! It was just a joke! This isn't funny, I… ow!"
Looking back at the others, he gave his trademark grin. "Wonderful girl! Ow! Either I'm gonna kill her, or I'm beginning to like her!"
Fun story to write, if for no other reason than being able to liberally pepper the dialogue with Star Wars quotes. Extra kudos to those who can recognize where each of the quotes is from. Anyway, Read, review, and see you all next time!
Cro