Dear Diary,
Today is a brand new day! It's Monday, the sun
is shining, and the birds are singing, and me? I'm fucking
sitting here feeling sorry for my stupid self. Ugh. Today
I was supposed to do something productive with myself. But
I have done nothing so far. Okay, so maybe it was only 9 a.m. and
waking up without Finn, may have been painful, but…
I'm not sure. I just need to find something to do.
Climbing off my bed, I then closed my diary and I placed it onto my side table, sighing deeply, as I made my way over to my full-length mirror. I swallowed slowly, staring at my reflection. I was wearing my blue pyjama bottoms, my matching blue pyjama t-shirt and I was wearing Finn's hoodie over the top of it. My face looked pale, due to barely getting any sleep last night, the feeling of emptiness really hitting my chest as I lay in bed. My hair was all over the place, thanks to rolling around constantly last night, because I couldn't sleep. But worst of all, I looked fucking fat. I felt ugly, I looked ugly, and everything about me was ugly. Closing my eyes, I swallowed slowly, getting rid of the lump that had formed in my throat. My heart was hammering, and I knew what I had to do. Rushing out of my bedroom and straight downstairs, and I rushed straight to the house phone. My hands were shaking. Mum was at work, thankfully, and Karim was outside, feeding his birds. I dialled a number, and I waited for someone to answer on the other line, my hands trembling.
"Hello, Nelson residence?"
I exhaled slowly as Finn's dad answered the phone,
"H-Hi, Mr. Nelson, it's-"
"Rae! Hi, darlin', y'alright?"
I was taken back by his friendliness. Though I had to admit, it did warm my heart,
"Y-Yeah, I-I'm good thanks. Um, is Finn awake, do ya know?" I bit my lip.
"Yeah, he's just woke up. Hold on a second, love."
I heard Mr. Nelson scamper away, and then a minute later, my heart was stuck in my throat,
"Rae?" Finn answered softly.
I exhaled in relief,
"Hi, Finn." My voice cracked, and tears were pouring out of my eyes.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Rae-Rae, what's wrong?" His voice was filled with concern, and it melted my heart. He actually cares. I told myself.
"I just…" I sniffed, wiping my nose with the back of my hand. "I was just feelin' really lonely, and-and-"
"And what?" Finn pressed.
I swallowed audibly,
"And I was feelin' a little like, like the old me. Y'know?"
Finn was quiet for a few seconds, before I heard him speak again,
"That's okay, Rae, I can help ya. What's on your mind?"
I hugged my waist with my free hand, and I looked down, sniffing slightly as a few tears escaped from my eyes, the tears rolling down my cheeks,
"Can you answer me something, and be totally honest?" I asked him quietly.
"Course I can, baby." Finn replied to me.
"Am I fat?" I asked him, my voice cracking mid-sentence, and I sniffed again.
Finn sighed down the line,
"Rae, you are not fat, I promise you. You're beautiful, you're gorgeous, and you're curvy. Not fat – curvy. I love your body."
A small smile appeared on my lips, as the tears dropped off my face and I sniffed again, wiping my tears away with Finn's hoodie,
"I miss you." I whispered.
"I miss you too, Rae."
I sighed, swallowing the lump in my throat again,
"I just. I feel so alone, and I hate it. Because whenever I feel alone, I get these thoughts in my head…" I trailed off.
"I know." Finn whispered down the line, and I could tell that he was thinking about the time that he read my diary. There was a muffled noise on the other end of the line, and then I heard Finn sigh. "Dad? Can ya gimme some space, please? This is important." There was another muffled noise, and from what I could hear, it sounded like,
"Is everything alright, son?"
"It will be, dad, if ya let me handle it."
"The other half missin' ya already?" I heard his dad chuckle.
"Dad!" He groaned. There was silence for a few seconds and then I heard his voice again. My Finn's angelic voice. "I'm so sorry about that, Rae-Rae."
I shook my head and let out a little laugh, sniffing slightly,
"That's okay, Finnypoo."
"Go on." He urged me softly.
"I'm just, uh… I'm just sick and tired of feeling so negative. When you were here it was easier for me to forget about 'em." My eyes welled with fresh tears. "But now you're there and I'm here and-and-" I cut off, sobbing hard into the line, covering my face with the sleeve of Finn's hoodie.
"Shh, shh, shh, baby." Finn cooed down the line. "I'm still here, Rae. Ah'm always here for ya. Y'know that."
I was still sobbing and I sniffed,
"I know." I croaked quietly.
"Rae, do ya wanna get some breakfast at the café?" He asked me.
"Do you mind?" I whispered, trying to calm myself down. "Am I bein' pathetic?"
I heard Finn scoff down the line,
"Course ya ain't bein' pathetic, Rae. Want me to pick ya up?"
I sighed slightly,
"No, I can walk. I'll see off in ten." I informed him.
"Okay, Rae-Rae. I love you, see ya soon."
"I love you, too." I hung up the call, and then I ran upstairs.
When I walked back into my bedroom, I turned around my mirror, Finn's voice stuck in my head, reminding myself that he thinks that I'm beautiful. Finn Nelson, the hottest guy in Lincolnshire, thinks that I'm beautiful and gorgeous! Walking over to my wardrobe, I got out my Oasis t-shirt that I was supposed to wear at Knebworth, as well as a grey long-sleeved t-shirt. Pulling out a pair of faded blue jeans and then I walked over to the bed, laying the clothes onto it and then I got out some underwear from my draw. Quickly changing out of my pyjamas, I changed into my clothes, and then I picked up a brush, brushing through my hair. Taking a deep breath, I turned the full-length mirror back around to face me, and I was shocked. I had colour in my face again, I looked happy, and I looked… normal. I felt beautiful. This was the effect that Finn had on me. My gaze dropped to my neck. More specifically, my necklace. The one that Finn bought me. Running my fingertip along the f, I smiled to myself, closing my eyes, remembering the time that he gave me the necklace. We were so happy and so carefree in that moment. It was the weekend that Finn had told me that he wanted to marry me someday. And then an image flashed into my head. I imagined walking down the aisle, my arm link around Karim's, as we walked down. Finn was standing at the end of the aisle, and he turned around, and his eyes lit up. As I opened my eyes, I noticed in my reflection, that I had a wide smile across my lips, and my cheeks were red as I blushed. Sighing slightly, with happiness, I found a clip on my side table, and I twisted my fringe with my index finger, and then I clipped my fringe back. I walked out of my bedroom, and then I walked into the bathroom.
I arrived at the café ten minutes later, and then I walked inside, seeing that Finn was sitting at a booth near the back. Smiling to myself, I adjusted the bags strap from my rucksack, and then I walked over to him,
"Hi." I said quietly.
Finn's head shot up, and his eyes lit up, and he stood up, hugging me tightly,
"Hey." He sighed in relief.
I breathed in his scent, and then we both pulled out of our embrace. Sitting down on the same side of the booth, I then rested my head gently against his shoulder, taking hold of his hand,
"I feel silly for missin' ya so much. I jus' like wakin' up to ya." I confessed.
Finn kissed the top of my head softly,
"You ain't silly, Rae-Rae. I woke up today and…" He sighed softly. "I felt so fuckin' alone. I-I felt the same way you did. Trust me."
Snuggling into Finn's side, I sighed in relief, thankful that it wasn't just me,
"I brought ya some of my perfume…" I trailed off, looking up at Finn.
He looked down at me,
"Oh yeah?"
I nodded,
"Hmm. Thought ya could smell it if ya miss me."
Finn smiled,
"Funny. Ah did the same thing."
A wide smile appear on my face,
"Really?"
He nodded smiling,
"Mhm."
Finn picked up his backpack and he pulled out a bottle of his CK One. I smiled to myself, as he handed me the bottle. Taking it from him I grinned big, and then I pulled out my Cap Nature Fruit Rogue Yves Rocher perfume bottle, handing it to Finn. He examined the bottle, before lifting the lid and he took a sniff, closing his eyes and he then exhaled slowly in happiness,
"The smell behind my baby. Finally."
Blushing slightly, I nudged him and a waitress him,
"Hi, can I take your order?"
I looked up at her,
"Um…"
"Two bacon sandwiches, please." Finn ordered.
I couldn't help but feel something hit me inside. Jealousy? It was unusual for me. What did I have to be jealous of with this complete stranger? I mean, apart from the fact that she was amazingly thin and flawlessly beautiful. Any smile that was on my face, dropped from my face. The waitress glanced down at me,
"And to drink?"
"U-Uh…" I swallowed slowly. "Instead of a bacon sandwich, can I just have a fruit salad, please?"
I glanced at Finn, my cheeks burning red as I did, noticing that his eyebrows were furrowing together in confusion. Quickly looking back at the waitress, I added,
"And flavoured water to drink, please."
The girl nodded and she walked away, scribbling it down onto her notepad. Clearing his throat, I looked at Finn, as he scratched his cheek watching me,
"Fruit salad, eh? This in't about our conversation this morning, is it?"
I swallowed slowly and I plastered a fake smile onto my face, shaking my head,
"Nope. Just fancied a change." I lied. Just want to lose weight, more like. My mind chimed in, making me mentally roll my eyes. Finn took hold of my hand and he wrote across my palm: I LOVE YOU. I couldn't help but smile to myself, and as my eyes met his, I mouthed,
"I love you too."
I noticed that Finn swallowed, before he leaned in and he kissed my lips gently once,
"I missed doin' that last night." He murmured against my lips.
I closed my eyes feeling his lips against mine, and I sighed softly in relief,
"I missed doin' that as well, Finn. I really missed you."
"Look at us." Finn smiled against my lips. "A bunch of sappy sods."
I gasped, opening my eyes and I raised my eyebrows at him,
"I believe that's my life."
Finn smirked, pulling away from my lips and taking my hand in his,
"I know. That's why I took it from ya." He winked at me, and I couldn't help but laugh at him, rolling my eyes playfully. Finn grinned at me, and I returned the grin, as the waitress made her way over to our table, setting my flavoured water and Finn's cup of tea in front of us,
"Cheers." Finn said politely, his eyes not leaving mine.
My heart skipped a beat. He didn't even glance at her! My insides jumped with glee. I tried to hide my smile, but I was failing. Finn began to draw random shapes across my thigh, and everything began to feel normal. Everything felt right again. I was with Finn. My drug. My boyfriend. My comfort blanket. He was everything to me, and the thought of not being by his side 24/7, was weird. Unnatural, even. I sighed happily,
"This is nice." I admitted.
Finn nodded, licking his lips,
"Yeah it is." He stroked his thumb along my knuckles. "Ah wonder what the gang's gonna say when we see 'em tomorrow."
I let out a laugh,
"'Mummy and daddy have decided to have some space?'" I teased.
Finn burst out laughing, shaking his head,
"Awe, Rae-Rae. Ya make me laugh!"
I smiled big at him,
"Wednesday I've gotta go to Izzy's! Girl's night in."
"Ah yeah. Better make plans with Chopper and Archers then." Finn nodded.
"Don't have too much fun without me."
He rolled his eyes at me, smiling,
"It'll be no fun without you."
I paused for a few seconds and then I gasped,
"Finn? We're acting like a long-term couple. We're one of those people!"
Finn raised his eyebrows at me,
"What people?"
"Those couples that are like—obsessed with each other! Do we wanna be that sorta couple?" I asked him.
He grinned at me,
"Whatever couple it is that loves spending time with his girlfriend, and he never wants it to end, then we're that couple."
I smiled at Finn, my cheeks burning hot. The waitress came across again, and before I could even stop it, I rolled my eyes; making Finn raise his eyebrows at me.
"Enjoy your meals." The waitress said politely.
"Yeah, yeah." I mumbled under my breath.
Finn cleared his throat slightly,
"Cheers." He said; his gaze fixed on me.
Picking up my fork, I began to play with my food. Glancing at Finn, I sighed, looking over at him fully,
"What?"
"Don't 'what' me, Rae. What's up with ya?"
"She was interrupting a nice moment!" I said defensively.
Finn chuckled lightly,
"Should stop takin' leaves outta my book, Rae-Rae."
I inwardly sighed in relief, thankful that he believed what I had said. The truth was, I was feeling insecure. Sure, he was my boyfriend, but it didn't mean that Finn couldn't change his mind. Taking hold of my hand, Finn stroked my knuckles with his thumb, as we both ate in silence. It was nice. This moment, the company, the silence, everything.
After we ate, I turned my body to face Finn, as the waitress came over and she took away our plates and our empty glasses.
"So, babe. What did ya mum get ya from her holiday?"
"She got me a travel Walkman." I grinned. "Like yours!" I squealed.
Finn chuckled softly and he grinned back at me,
"Awe babe, that's awesome!"
"Yeah! I've been listenin' to ya SAR tape none-stop!" I admitted.
Finn's grin widened and he leaned forward, kissing my lips softly once and then he sighed happily,
"God, I love you, Rachel Earl."
Rolling my eyes playfully, I grinned at him,
"I love you too, Finn Nelson."
"What're you doin' today?" He asked me.
I shrugged,
"I dunno." I confessed. "I have a session with Kester at eleven, so I guess I'll go to that, and then I'll just find somethin' to do." I shrugged.
"Want me to take ya, Rae-Rae?"
I shook my head,
"No, Finn, it's fine." I smiled at him. "Really."
Rolling his eyes, Finn pulled me closer to him,
"I'm takin' ya."
"If you're sure?" I asked him, looking up at him.
Finn nodded, kissing my forehead softly,
"Ah'm sure, Rae." He smiled at me.
I smiled back at him, and then I rested my head against his shoulder gently.
At 10:20 a.m. Finn and I made our way out of the café, and then we walked over to Finn's dad's car. Letting go of my hand, Finn jogged around to the driver's side, and he unlocked the car doors, and the both of us climbed in. After fastening our seatbelts, Finn set off driving, and then I looked over at him,
"You don't have to wait, Finn. I really don't mind walkin' home. I actually like walkin' home after my sessions."
Finn glanced at me, his eyebrows furrowed together,
"I promised ya that I'd be there for ya, Rae-"
"I know." I cut in. "And you are here for me, Finn. But really, I don't mind walkin'."
He stared ahead and then he sighed,
"Ya promise?" He mumbled, and by the tone of his voice, I could tell that he wasn't happy about it.
"Mhm, positive." I moved slightly, getting comfy in my seat. "So what're you doin' today?"
Finn turned left at the junction,
"Jus' gonna hang with my dad. Get some quality father/son time."
I smiled to myself,
"That sounds fun, Finnypoo."
"Tons." He replied sarcastically, a small chuckle leaving his lips as he did.
I smiled bigger and then I rolled my eyes playfully. Finn glanced at me,
"Is it alright if I call ya tonight?"
I looked at him and I smiled, nodding,
"Course it's alright, Finn."
He smiled at me, and then he turned his attention back to the road. We arrived at the hospital about ten minutes later, and Finn pulled up outside of the entrance. As I unbuckled my seatbelt, I heard him sigh,
"Are ya sure you're alright walkin', Rae? Ah don't feel comfortable leavin' you 'ere."
I looked at him and I nodded,
"I'm positive, Finn." Leaning over, I kissed his cheek softly. "I love you. Thanks for the ride." I opened my passenger side door.
"Rae?" Finn called.
Stopping in my tracks, one of my legs out of the door, I turned to him,
"Yeah?"
"I love you, too." Finn smiled.
I returned his smile and then I climbed out of the car, and then I closed the door and I waved Finn off, before turning around, adjusting my backpack on my shoulders, and then I walked inside the hospital.
"So, Rae. How're you doin'?" Kester asked me, lighting up a cigarette.
I shrugged slightly, my arms crossed over my chest, as I slumped in my seat.
Kester's eyebrows arched up slightly in surprise,
"Y'seem a little… different from the last time I saw you." He thought back. "I'm guessing that Finn has gone back home?" I nodded silently, and Kester gave me a warm smile. "And how's that going for you? How're you doing going back to the old ways?"
I shrugged again, turning my attention out of the window, staring at the cloudy blue sky. I heard Kester shift in his seat, and then I heard him blow out the smoke from his mouth,
"I don't like it when you're like this, Rae. When you're silent, I know that something's bothering you. I feel like we're taking steps backwards when you get like this. You can open up to me."
I sighed softly, licking my lips and I looked back at Kester,
"I feel like shit." I confessed.
Kester nodded,
"And why do you feel that way?"
"Because I miss it all." I admitted, my voice quiet. "It's just the little things."
"Like what?"
I sighed again, and I shrugged,
"I miss wakin' up to him, fallin' asleep with him, feelin' his presence."
He nodded at me, signalling that he followed,
"Young love, eh?" He chuckled slightly. When he realised that I wasn't even smiling, he cleared his throat and he took another drag of his cigarette, blowing out the smoke. "Alright." He said. "I know it's tough now, Rae. I know that you probably think it's unfair that he had to go back home, but it isn't your own place, is it? It's your mum's. And now that she's returned home, you don't need Finn there to keep you company." I scoffed, and Kester raised his eyebrows at me,
"You disagree?"
I shrugged slightly,
"I feel like I am going backwards." I confessed.
Leaning his elbows against his thighs, he leaned forward,
"What do you mean?"
"I woke up this morning, and I had these… thoughts in my head."
"What kind of thoughts?"
I looked down at my hands, playing with my fingers as I did,
"That I'm fat." I admitted. "Last night, I got the thoughts that Finn is only with me for some bet. That the bet was to-" I cut myself off and my eyes travelled up to meet Kester's. He nodded encouragingly at me. "That the bet was to sleep with me and then he gets the money." I felt my cheeks burn a dark, crimson red colour.
Kester scratched his right cheek, before he cleared his throat,
"Rae, I think what your problem is, is that you can't accept that there are people out there, that accept you for exactly who you are. I think you still consider yourself as a mental case. Which isn't true at all. You've improved a lot, Rae, and it's because of these friends that you hang around with, and Finn, your boyfriend, that you have improved. Rae, I understand why these thoughts have come into your head, and I think both you and I have realised, that Finn is your distraction from these thoughts. You need to find another way of getting rid of them, because you can't be around Finn all the time. It's not healthy." He paused for a few seconds. "What were these thoughts that came to your head?"
I looked down again,
"That he doesn't love me. That he's gonna get bored of me. That maybe… maybe he finally will be able to look at other girls and question why he's with me."
Kester stared at me,
"He says he loves you, Rae. Maybe you should believe him,"
"What if he's changed his mind?" I asked quickly, fear showing in my voice.
"You need to learn to trust, Rae. You lack that often."
I rolled my eyes at him.
"Whenever you get these thoughts in your head, drown them out. Read a book, listen to some music, or do something that reminds you of Finn. He loves you, Rae. And the moment you start to accept that, the moment they'll go away."
I looked out of the window again, and then a few seconds later, I looked at him.