Staff Meeting
"Is everyone here?" I asked. "Can we begin?"
"I gotsa go wee!" cried the goblin at my feet. I rolled my eyes and gave a sigh.
"You just went five minutes ago, Chib. Can't you hold it?" I asked the little goblin.
He shook his head. "Gotsa go again! Real bad!"
I rubbed my forehead. It was going to be a long afternoon. "Fine, Chib," I said. "But hurry back and don't forget to flush. And make sure you wash your hands. And don't teepee the bathroom!"
The little goblin scurried off to relieve himself and I shook my head.
"No goblins next time, guys. Okay?" I said to the group.
"Don't look at us," said the person to my right. "That goblin is yours."
I turned my head to look at the Goblin King who was sprawled out in one of the chairs with one leg hanging over the arm rest and the other propped up on the conference table.
"Boots off the table please, Your Majesty," I told him.
He gave me a haughty look, but swung the other booted leg over the arm rest of his chair and leaned back, nonchalantly swiveling back and forth.
"Okay," I began, glancing over my notes. "I'd like to hear your reports on the status of things thus far. We seem to be doing well in views and reads for most of our stories." I paused and looked around the room. "Who would like to go first?"
A gloved hand went up.
"Okay, Jareth," I said, nodding toward him. "The floor is yours."
"Thank you, Madame Author," he replied as he regally rose from his chair and began to pace around the room. "While I have been pleased with the work you've given me and I appreciate not being turned into a complete fop, I do feel there could be more in the way of actual sexual content for me and dear Sarah." He paused in his pacing and cast a lustful smirk toward the dark-haired girl sitting across from me. She groaned audibly.
"Jareth, there is plenty of sexual content in what I've written about the two of you. Did you even read the last one?" I argued.
The Goblin King shook his head in defiance. "There was implied sexual content," he stated simply, "and there were descriptions after the fact, but no actual in-the-moment sex."
I blushed and squirmed uneasily in my chair.
"I'm sorry, Your Majesty," I told him. "I'm just not that comfortable writing smut."
Jareth's eyes lit up and he hopped up on top of the conference table. "Well, I am!" he cried enthusiastically. "Quick! Give me a pen and some paper!"
"Get off the table, Jareth," I said, pointing to the floor. He walked along the conference table to his seat and plopped down into his chair. I watched anxiously as he pulled a crystal from the air and transformed it into a pen and a spiral bound notebook. He opened the notebook and started scribbling furiously onto its lined pages.
"Okay…" I said to the group. "It appears His Majesty is finished. Who's next? Sarah? Do you have anything to say?"
"Yes," she replied frowning. "Could you please stop killing me? I know it's very dramatic and all that, but seriously, I don't like dying."
"Right," I answered. "No problem. I hadn't planned on killing you again. However, it is the Author's prerogative…" Sarah glared at me from across the table and I let the sentence trail off.
"All right," I said, eager to change the subject. "Hoggle, you're up."
"I ain't got nothin' to report," he grunted, crossing his stubby little arms.
"Nothing nothing tra la la…" Jareth chimed in a sing-song voice as he continued writing in his notebook.
I ignored him and addressed Hoggle. "Well, you've done a terrific job so far," I told him honestly. "You were wonderful in 'Andrew Lloyd Webber Does Labyrinth,' and you completely broke my heart in 'The Witching Hour.'"
"He broke her heart, but she broke my neck," grumbled Sarah.
"Okay, okay!" I cried in exasperation. "I won't kill you anymore, Sarah. Sheesh!"
She didn't reply, but her smug expression told me she was satisfied, so I moved on.
"Sir Didymus?"
"At you service, My Lady!" cried the little fox.
"Er, okay. Thanks," I told him. I would never get used to his gallant enthusiasm. "I wanted to tell you as well what a fine job you did in 'The Witching Hour.' I know your part was small, but you handled it very well."
The knight gave a low bow. "Thank you, My Lady. It is ever my pleasure to be of service to thee."
"Hmph," said a voice from the back of the room. I grinned sheepishly.
"Ludo…I know I haven't used you yet, and I apologize. It's just that…well, you're not exactly useful for dialogue."
The rest of the group giggled.
"Sawah saaaaaad!" Sarah did a near perfect Ludo impression and the giggles turned to guffaws.
"Imbeciles!" Ludo angrily shouted at the snickering group. "All of you know perfectly well that I am quite capable of intelligent dialogue. Have you forgotten what it means to be an actor?"
We all prepared ourselves for one of Ludo's trademark dramatic monologues.
"I am a well-trained thespian," he said, his words emphasized by his clipped but very proper English accent. "As such, I do what is required of me. I played my part as it was written, even though I found it quite degrading and utterly beneath my talents. I, who have performed Shakespeare before the High King himself, was reduced to hanging upside down, howling at rocks and talking like Tarzan of the apes! I have tried my best to move past that and salvage my career, so if it's all the same to you, Madame Author, I'd rather not be cast at all if I have to say things like 'Sawah friend!'"
There were a few more snickers from Sarah and Hoggle, and Ludo shot them both a menacing glare.
"Fine, Ludo," I told him, hoping to appease his righteous indignation. I would have never pegged the hairy beast for a diva. "I'll keep you out of things if you wish. By the way, how are rehearsals for 'The Tempest' going?"
"Excellent," Ludo replied. "Caliban is my signature role, you know."
I nodded and looked down at my notes. I was really ready to bring the meeting to a close.
"So, here's what I have," I told the group. "More smut, no more killing Sarah, leave Ludo out. Anything else?"
Jareth raised his hand again. "May I share what I have been working on?" he asked, his voice like honey.
I glanced at my watch. I knew I may as well humor the Goblin King or I'd never get a moment's peace.
"Fine. Go ahead, Jareth."
He stood and cleared his throat and began to read from his notebook.
"Sarah's heart pounded in her chest and her ample bosom heaved as she gazed at the glorious specimen of royal manliness before her. The Goblin King's taut abs glistened in the sun and his pecs rippled beneath the smooth pale skin of his broad chest.
'Oh, Your Majesty,' squeaked Sarah. 'You are absolute perfection. I want you to take me right here, right now.'
'Your wish is my command,' answered the mighty Goblin King. With a graceful flourish of his hand, his exquisitely tailored breeches disappeared and Sarah found herself gazing open-mouthed at his enormous throbbing-"
"Jareth!" I cried, my cheeks aflame.
"What?" he asked, feigning innocence.
"That's enough," I told him. "I'll do the writing around here, okay?"
"Pity," he answered, closing his notebook and making it vanish with a wave of his hand.
The door opened and Chib popped into the room.
"What I miss?" he asked eagerly.
I started to answer, but realized with concern that he had been gone a rather long time.
"What took you so long, Chib?" I asked. "You didn't teepee the bathroom again, did you?"
The little goblin shook his head emphatically. "Oh no," he answered. "Chib made pretty picture!"
"A pretty picture? Where?" I asked, not sure I wanted to know.
"In the pee-pee place," he replied.
"Chib, what did you do?"
"Chib paint pretty picture!" the little goblin said again. "Finger paint!"
I had a very bad feeling I already knew what had happened, but I had to ask anyway.
"Where did you get finger paint, Chib?"
My suspicions were confirmed when he pointed to his butt.
Great snogging goblins…
"I guess our meeting is adjourned," I told the group. "I have to go clean goblin poop off the bathroom walls. Anyone care to help?"
Everyone began talking at once, offering their excuses of why they suddenly had to leave.
"I think I left my curling iron on," said Sarah.
"I can't, I have rehearsal," Ludo replied.
"Didymus and I are due at the…um…" Hoggle began. He looked to the knight for assistance.
"The…annual Chicken Charity Auction," blurted Didymus. "We are being auctioned off to the ladies to benefit the Orphaned Chickens' Home. After the Goblin Flu epidemic and the subsequent need for chicken soup, many young fowl were left without father or mother."
"Oh," I muttered. "How…noble of you."
The dwarf and knight scurried out of the room behind the others and I was left with the Goblin King.
"What about you, Your Majesty?" I asked him. "Care to magick away some goblin crap for me?"
"As intriguing as that sounds," he answered sarcastically, "I have to get over to DeviantART. I'm having another nude portrait done."
"Right… well okay then. Have fun with that," I told him just before he disappeared in a shower of glitter.
"Well, Chib," I sighed to the little goblin, "Looks like it's just you and me."
"Pretty!" Chib squealed.
I looked down at my feet where the goblin had drawn a detailed self-portrait on the carpet.
"Chib loves to finger-paint!" he cried with glee.
I put my face in my hands and moaned.
"I just had to be a writer. I couldn't have been an orthodontist or a real-estate agent, no. I had to be a writer!"
The End
A/N:
Does anyone know how to get goblin poop out of carpet? I've tried everything and it won't come out completely. I think I may just have to throw a rug over it.
If you haven't seen any of the nearly naked Goblin King portraits on DeviantART, you should check them out. (I mean, if you're into that sort of thing...) Yowzah!
Ludo's performance in "The Tempest" won him a King's Drama Crown Award. His acceptance speech lasted half an hour.
Hoggle and Sir Didymus collectively raised $2500 for the Orphaned Chickens' Home. Unfortunately, the auction was followed by an omelet buffet, so the money was donated to Goblin Ale Alcoholics Anonymous.