EPOV:

"I really hate you guys right now. Like, really, really badly. No offence Carlisle."

"None taken." Carlisle answered. We – Carlisle, Emmett, Jasper and I – were piled into the Jeep… I was there against my will.

"Trust me, Edward. This is for your own good." Jasper said, and then muttered "And for the sake of all our mental wellbeing…"

"What do you mean, for your mental wellbeing? You do realize that our five year anniversary is coming up in one week, don't you?" I demanded. I missed my Bella, my love, my reason for existence, my angel sent from some place that was possibly even more holy and perfect than heaven itself. They were getting on my nerves. Well, mostly Emmett and Jasper. Carlisle wasn't so bad. But he was amazed, inconceivably, that we hadn't lessened in the passion of our relationship. If anything, we'd gone up another notch. About three weeks after Renesmee had her 3rd, but supposedly 7th, birthday party had not ended in a disaster, we'd decided she was mature enough (mentally) to handle looking after herself a bit. So she was going to walk herself to school from then on.

That first morning had been horrifying, for her at least. Bella and I had a very different… perspective, of the situation. Renesmee had remembered, (last-minute, she was so much like Bella) that her teacher needed us to sign a field trip notice. She had known we weren't walking her to school, so she came into our room to ask us to sign it. Bella and I had fallen off the bed, but we didn't care. We were tangled up on the floor, and I had not moved my lips from her skin for more than ten seconds all night. We probably wouldn't have even noticed her come in, except that after about 2 seconds of watching us, she scream at the top of her lungs, then ran out of the room, yelling "EW, EW, EW, EW, and EEEEEWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT. THE. HELL!!!!!!" I'll get Uncle Jasper and Aunt Rosalie to forge it. I am SO never going in there again! Ugh! Their basically defiling my own house!! Dad, if you're not too busy being glued to Mom, you are not! repeat not! ever allowed to do that ever again!

I laughed, and yelled, "NOT LIKELY!!" over my shoulder after her. It had been hilarious to see the look on her face in Rose's mind. That was a sight she would never forget. Poor kid.

"OK, remind me. Which anniversary is this?" Emmett said, a bit rudely "The first time you saw each other's faces, the first time you talked to her, the meadow, the first date, or the wedding? Or did you decide to celebrate the day she accepted the proposal too?" Only real reason for an anniversary is wedding and sometimes first date. Rose doesn't care about that kind of stuff. I bet he just wants more reason to get laid. They talk too much. I snarled from the backseat. "It's not my fault Rosalie thinks that celebrating something means you lock yourselves in your room all day! There's more to a relationship than non-stop sex!" I was nearly shouting, but when I spoke again, I noticed my voice was quieter, gentler, and more serene than it had ever sounded. I could even hear that soft almost musical tone to it that Bella said she loved so much. "Besides, that day in the meadow was our first real date."

Emmett was outraged at what I had said about Rose, but he just sighed and said "Jasper." Jasper just nodded, and I felt waves of peace and serenity fill the car.

Shaking my head with annoyance that I couldn't feel because of Jasper, I took out my cell phone.

"What are you doing, Edward?" Jasper asked, accusatory.

"Finding the square root of pie. What do you think I'm doing, genius?"

"Who are you calling?" He asked, trying to sound nonchalant and failing miserably.

"Why do you automatically assuming I'm calling someone?" I countered. "Maybe I'm texting. Or e-mailing. Who says I'm calling her?" and then I almost yelled "SHIT!!" when I realized I had blow my cover. The 'her' had spoiled everything.

"Give me the phone Edward."

I snarled at him. "Not likely. Screw off!"

"Edward!" Carlisle warned me. I hardly ever swore, and when I did, you know I'm upset.

Jasper just sighed, and then pulled out his own cell. "Alice, can you--" Alice cut him off "I know, Jazz. I will, but… I still think this is a bad idea. It didn't work out so well for them last time…" She trailed off. What was that supposed to mean? I searched all their minds, trying to find out what they were talking about, or at least where we were going, but they all focused very hard on the music. I gave up and called Bella's cell phone. It rang twice - that was odd, she normally had it on her 24/7, and it never took her more than a ring and a half at most to answer… - and then Alice answered it. "Hello?" she said, timidly. Alice? Why did Alice have Bella's phone? I growled and, with black suspicion in my voice, said "Alice why do you have Bella's phone?" and then continued before she could answer, "Is she okay?" I briefly considered mutiny. If they thought I'd be away from her when she was in danger… well they didn't know me. He really does care for her. Even more than his own life. I heard Carlisle think. I was shocked and a little annoyed at the surprise and awe in him mental tone. Hadn't I made it clear long ago that I would rather die that stay away from my Bella, my love? "She's fine, she's fine!" Alice urged, probably seeing what I planned to do if the others tried to stop me. "Then why didn't she pick up? Where is she?" I wished that they would just tell me what was going on without all the smoke and mirrors.

"Bella is currently being held back by Rose and Esme, because she's trying to rip my throat out." Alice explained calmly.

"What? Bella would never do that. Put her on."

She hesitated, and then said "No, Edward." I snarled.

"Alice what are all of you doing and why can't I talk to my own wife?" the words were blistering with fury. They were not allowed to take me from my angel. After what happened all those years ago, I was afraid to leave her side even for hunting. Then it hit me. 'It didn't work out for them so well last time.' That's what Alice had said. Last time… The only time something had not worked out and had major consequences was when… when I had tried to leave her!

"Edward I don't know if they're right, all I know is Bella is hardly even herself, she's so mad, just because she can't talk to you. But the guys think you two are getting addicted to each other! She's like a drug to you."

"OF COURSE I'M ADDICTED!" How could you not be addicted to an angel? "YOU CAN'T TELL ME THAT YOU AREN'T ADDICTED TO JASPER! OR EMMETT TO ROSALIE, OR CARLISLE TO ESME!" I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. "So if I am addicted to the best thing in my world, what does that have to do with you or anyone else? What are Jasper, Emmett and Carlisle doing and where are they taking me, and how long will it be until I can see my so-called drug again?" and then I very distinctly heard Bella yell, "I AM NOT A DRUG!!!!!!!! ALICE, GIVE ME THE PHONE!!!!" Wow. Even screaming like a banshee, she still had the most beautiful, most perfect voice in the world. "Alice, just give her the phone! You can't do this! What the hell is wrong with you?" Jasper snarled at me. He didn't appreciate me yelling at his angel. He was allowed to see his and I wasn't. Then Alice responded in a hard voice, "I'm not doing it, it's the guys. But jasper's going to get really mad if I don't help and I hate it when he's mad at me! You can't tell me you like it when Bella's mad at you!" she was angry now, yelling.

"Edward, hang up the phone." It was Carlisle speaking. "Emmett, pull over" he said. I hung up without saying goodbye. I was too angry. I knew at any moment I might try and rip one of their heads off. "Taking me away from her won't stop anything you know" I threatened, "It'll just make both of us more and more mad at you." This is fucked up I thought. Emmett rolled to a stop on the side of the road. Before he was at a standstill, I threw myself out my door and bolted as fast as I could away from them. I wanted to get back to Bella. Emmett and jasper however, had different plans for me. They ran up from behind and as jasper darted in front of me to cut me off, Emmett grabbed me from behind, wrapping his huge arms around my chest and holding me three feet off the ground.

"The last time I left, she nearly died!!! Do you really want to put either of us through that again!?" I screamed, struggling pointlessly in Emmett's' iron grip.

"CALM DOWN EDWARD!!!!" Emmett yelled right by my ear.

"I swear Emmett if you don't let me go, I'll bite your arm off!" I threatened. It was useless though, he held me so tightly I almost couldn't breathe, let alone turn to sink my teeth into him like I wanted to. I swung my leg out, and kicked nearly jasper in the shoulder.

"RELAX!! We're just going hunting for a few days, okay?" jasper grabbed my leg as it swung toward him and held it, hoping the physical connection would help calm me. It did no help though. I was so mad I was seeing red. "NOT okay!" I snarled at him, hissing as Emmett tightened his grip.

"Edward, we will only be gone for four days. Please try to calm yourself. You will see Bella in eighty hours at the most." It was Carlisle who spoke and I stopped flailing, but continued to writhe, twisting my shoulders as I tried to get out of Emmett's iron hold. I took five deep breaths, letting jaspers calm wash over me.

"Emmett, let him go." Carlisle said when he saw reason return to my face. Emmett threw him a worried glance and Carlisle nodded. Emmett dropped me on the ground, and I flex my muscles, stretching. "Let's get this over with" I muttered as I stalked back to the jeep. I heard jasper sigh, and then they followed me and got in their seats. "Can I at least call her to calm her down? If I don't, Rosalie, Alice and Esme might be vampire bits when we get back." Jasper and Emmett exchanged a long look, then Emmett said "three minutes max dude, use it wisely. If Rose has even a mark on her, I'll bury your head in the backyard." I rolled my eyes and jasper pulled out his phone. He dialed Alice's number and told her to give Bella her phone back. "But Jaz you just said no contact." And again from the other line I heard Bella screech "WELL NOW HE SAID TO GIVE ME MY PHONE!!!" My chest hurt in the weirdest way when I heard her voice. I was, in a strange way, happy, I guess, because she missed me that much. But I was also horrified that I couldn't see her, couldn't kiss her or touch her for three days. It ached. "They have three minutes, then nothing after that. Edward is just going to calm Bella down." Alice agreed and I heard her tell Rose and Esme to let Bella go. "Go ahead, Edward." Jasper said. I snatched my phone from the seat beside me and pressed the speed dial for Bella. Apparently, she had phoned at the same moment, because her line was busy. I hung up and waited for two seconds. The phone rang then, shrill and demanding. It had barley started the first ring when I answered. "Bella!" I said, sighing in relief when she said "Oh Edward I miss you so much!" It was so good to hear her voice. Jasper felt my immense relief and muttered "wow" under his breath. I ignored him and said "Bella, I need you to calm down okay?"

"Edward, how can I calm down? All they'll tell me is your 'out with the boys' and I won't see you for a while." I could almost hear the pout in her voice. "Just take a deep breath Bella. I'm not too happy about this either, love, but I'll be back in three days," I dropped my voice to as low as a breath and continued, "maybe less if I can sneak away from them." "I heard that!" jasper and Emmett said together. They wouldn't be letting me out of their sight. "Its okay love, don't worry."

"But Nessie keeps asking for you, she misses you and I don't know what to tell her." What she said about Nessie broke my dead heart. They were taking me from my Bella. That was one thing. But from my daughter too? That was intolerable. "Just tell her I'll be back soon and that I miss her, and that I love her." I hoped she didn't hear my voice tremble.

"Well that's one thing down but what exactly do you think I'm going to do with all my time for the next three nights?" she demanded. I chuckled. "I'm sure you'll find something to do. Hey, I know. I left my credit card on the bedside table; you can do on a shopping spree!" I said with fake enthusiasm. Bella hated shopping. "What would I buy?" Bella said. I was shocked. Normally if you said anything that included shopping, she'd say no immediately. "Well… hmm. I heard Victoria's Secret is having an 85% off sale all week." I said, hopefully. Bella hadn't worn lingerie since our honeymoon. "Not happening Edward. You know I hate wearing lingerie, but I will never wear it in front of you again. Too embarrassing." She said firmly. Embarrassing? How was it embarrassing? I mean I was her husband for God's sake! "How is it embarrassing when you know I love it and I'll never criticize it?" I countered. "No dice, Edward. You want me in Victoria's Secret, you're going to have to buy it yourself and force me into it." I heard giggles from the other side off the phone. What was so funny? "1 minute, Edward." Jasper reminded me. I sighed. "Well I'm sure you'll find something to do, Bella." I hated to hang up now. "Just stay calm ok? And try to have fun while I'm gone." I heard Bella snort, and then she said "well, I can stay calm as long as I know when you're coming back, but having fun is a lost cause." I knew it was, for me at least. But there was a small chance of her enjoying herself. "I don't want you to be sad, Bella." I hated it when she didn't have the best of what she could. It was all I could do to make her happy. I owed it to her. She had given me her, and I had hardly anything to repay her with. "Time's up, Edward." Jasper said. I sighed and said "I have to go Bella. I love you." She started to mumble something, but just said "I'll miss you. And I love you too." She hung up.

I sat there for a minute, wondering what she would do while I was gone. Emmett snapped me out of my reverie and said "So how thirsty are you Edward? I bet I can bag more mountain lions than you." I sighed, and then chuckled. May as well make the best of it I thought. "You're on!" I challenged.

BPOV:

The line disconnected and I started giggling. Like a mad woman, I was giggling until my sides hurt. I fell backward and my ass hit the floor. I stop for maybe two human heartbeats and then I was giggling again. "What is so funny!?" Alice demanded, starting to chuckle. My laughter seemed infectious. I wasn't giggling anymore; I was just plain out laughing as I rolled on the floor. Alice picked me up and put her hands on my shoulders, lips pressed tightly together as she tried not to laugh. "Bella, what is funny!!" she demanded again. "Just two minutes ago you were trying to bite my head off, now your cackling like a madwoman! What did I miss?" then her eyes unfocused for a second, looking to see if she could figure it out, in case I didn't tell her. Then she was laughing to. We both fell to the floor in a fit of giggles. I saw Esme and Rosalie exchange a confused glance and a shrug. That just made me laugh even harder. If I had been human, I knew that I would have tears streaming down my face right now. "Okay, now I have to ask." Rosalie said, smiling. "What is wrong with you two?" we just looked at her, then at each other. As soon as Alice and I made eye contact, we started laughing again. "Okay that's it!" it was a new voice speaking, and I looked up, still giggling, to see Renesmee walk in the back door. She walked over to where my head had hit the floor and looked down at me, scowling. She looked so much like Edward when she did that. "WHAT. IS. FUNNY!?!?" she yelled, throwing her hands in the air. I just shook my head. "Didn't want to have to do this…" she muttered, and then said "okay you tell me now, or I'll tell them all about this." And she bent down to place her hand on my forehead. I saw what she showed me as soon as she touched my skin. It was me and Edward, on the floor of our room, tangled together and kissing. And then a different one, staring at the ceiling of Renesmee room. The vision shook now and then, and I realized she had been shuddering. I was about to ask, but then I heard the sound in the back of the memory. Again, it was me and Edward. But we were talking and laughing. Then I heard Edward talking about forcing me into lingerie, and the horrible mental pictures Renesmee had come up with. It was hilarious. She moved her hand and raised an eyebrow sardonically at me, just the way Edward always did. "Okay, okay. I surrender." I said, still chuckling. "I just got away with lying to Edward, and Alice knows what I lied about. Let's just say, that next time he sees me, someone might have to catch his eyes, because they might just fall out of his head." Three heads cocked to the side in confusion and Alice and I giggled again. "Oh but if we're doing that, we have to do a spa day and makeover too." Alice insisted.

"How did you lie to daddy?" Renesmee asked, still confused. "Well sweetie, I told him that I would never shop at a place called Victoria's Secret, even though he loves seeing what I buy there. But I said no, when I actually am going to shop there. You understand?" comprehension dawned on Rose and Esme's faces. Rose chuckled, "Oh, he'll hate you!" I cocked an eyebrow, "How so? He said so himself, he loves it when I wear lingerie, he'll never criticize. Only problem is he won't be able to keep his hands off me…" I trailed off, my brow furrowing in thought of how to complete my plans without Edward whisking me away before I was ready. I wanted to tease him when he got back. He told me to have fun, and plotting to make him squirm was very, very fun. "Okay," I'd finally sobered up, now it was time to plan. "Rose, Alice, can you come shopping with me? If I want him to go bonkers, I'll need expert help. Nessie, you stay here, okay?" My daughter pouted up at me. "I wanna come." She insisted. "Why don't you invite your friends over and work on your dance routine?" Her face lit up. "Okay! Yay!!!!! JAKE!!!" she flew out of the room into the forest behind the house. A huge russet wolf came galloping out and Nessie climbed on his back. They shot of toward the cottage, Nessie grinning hugely. I rolled my eyes. She knew I hated it when she did that.

We got to the mall five minutes later, me and Alice in one car, Rose in another. We had brought the extra because we were going to run Edward's bank account as dry as we could. He had actually left his whole wallet on our bedside table, and in it were 5 credit cards, 3 bank cards (one from a city in Ireland? How many bank accounts did he have?) and over $97 000 full cash. This was going to be fun.

Just looking at the lingerie made me want to shudder. But I knew the look on Edwards face would be more than enough to make up for it. As I walked into the store at a normal, human pace, Alice and Rosalie darted ahead at the speed of human athletes. They got to the shelves, and by the time I had approached the first rack, they both had ten items in their hands and Alice was holding something up to my body to check the size. "Alice, we have all day, and if I show them even one of his cards, they'll gladly kick out everyone else while we shop. Relax." She sighed heavily and rolled her eyes. "Fine. But you barley ever come shopping Bella, let alone give us free reign on the purchases!"

"I still have some say on it." I was slightly terrified of what she would get.

After at least 2 hours, we had loaded five mobile rack things that Alice had rented with skimpy silk, satin and lace, we must have had about 93% of the store for me to try on. That's when the real work began. I was shoved into a change room and Rosalie threw two of the selections over the door. I put on the first one and was greeted by whooping and hollering by Alice and Rose when I came out. I rolled my eyes. Alice's eyes unfocused for a second, then she gave me a look that almost screamed 'he'll like it. A lot.' I was wearing a black lace bra and panty set with a lace veil hanging off the bottom of the bra down to the edge of the underwear. I had to admit, it was pretty sexy.

I turned back to the dressing room and came out wearing a tiny purple thong and half bra that pushed my breast out very far. "I have cleavage." I muttered, looking at my chest. "You always have, Bella. This just brings it out more." Rosalie said almost impatiently. Alice checked the future again and grinned at me. The rest of the day went in basically the same order, with me changing, Alice making sure we should get it, and criticism and comments from Rosalie.

When we were finished (after 10 hours) we had bought at least half the store. We went to a bunch of other stores just to buy normal clothes afterward. We filled Rose's car with our day's spoils and headed back home.

We had spent over $590 000 and I didn't care at all. Alice was proud of me for not getting upset over the money.

After emptying all my new clothes into my closet in the cottage, I went back to the house.

Alice, Rosalie, Esme, Renesmee and I sat in a circle and discussed ways to make not only Edward, but all the boys, suffer and squirm.