PART ONE - KATNISS
CHAPTER ONE – TWO WEDDINGS, ONE MARRIAGE.
It was a dream.
I wake from my fever, sweat pouring down my back, drowning me in my sleep.
Today is the morning before my wedding to Peeta Mellark.
I had dreamt that this wedding never happened, that President Snow had sent us into the games again, that there was an uprising, that there was a district thirteen, and that they won the war. That Prim died.
Prim.
I bolt upright and run down the corridor to her room. When I turn the corner I find her awake and sitting in front of her dresser, brushing buttercups fur and tying a little pink bow around his neck, just like the one in her hair.
"Prim?" I ask. I am not entirely certain that this isn't part of my horrific dream as well, that Prim is a ghost haunting my sleep.
Prim looks up in the mirror and sees my reflection. I see it too. I am as white as a sheet and shining with sweat.
"Katniss what's wrong?" she asks, getting up and rushing to me.
"Nothing, I just had a bad dream that's all." I say, leaning on her for support. She helps me over to her bed where we sit together.
"About the games?" she asks.
"Well yes, I suppose." I say half laughing. It was a nightmare like I had never had before, so vivid and so real. But I am not sure waking is much more of a comfort.
After The Games, President Snow went about punishing me in the most permanent way he could think of; by making me marry Peeta. Snow figured that for a girl on fire, her freedom to burn is what keeps her going. So he took my freedom away from me.
We stifled any sparks of rebellion in the districts on our Victory Tour and as a result, we are allowed to live. But what life is left when someone has taken away your freedom?
Peeta and I have barely spoken in days. The closer it got to the wedding the more resigned he became until he could bare it no longer. Haymitch tells me that I have to try and understand that this is hard for Peeta because he hoped that someday we would get married, but that it would be willing. Because I loved him. I do love him. I am just not sure in what way.
"How are you feeling?" Prim asks, brushing the sticky strands of hair away from my forehead.
Since The Games she has grown up faster than I ever thought possible. I suppose watching someone you love in a televised fight to the death causes you to grow up, to become strong. When ever I look at her now, I get that pang of guilt from knowing that she shouldn't have had to grow up so quickly.
And then I get another pang; a bigger pang, a deeper pang. A pang of pure and utter terror. Terror; because I know that when I marry Peeta, Panem will expect us to have children. They will expect us to have children and we will have to watch them be reaped as a punishment for our crimes.
Children? How could I bring a child into this world? A world where the weak and innocent are turned to monsters before our very eyes? How could I let my children be part of that?
The thoughts rush through my head and I start to hyperventilate. The future that I fear so much will be starting today. Today we travel to the capitol and then tomorrow I marry Peeta Mellark and secure my fate.
"Katniss?" Prim's voice is calling me, but I can barely hear her through the thunderous thoughts that echo in my mind.
"Katniss breathe!" Prim shouts at me. Her hands are rubbing my arms trying to bring me back to her, but I am lost. The terror has overcome me and I am trembling.
I am aware of Prim's shouts, somewhere to my left, out the window perhaps, but I am lost in a mental nightmare that will not end.
The next thing I know, Peeta is standing in the doorway looking slightly windswept. He takes one look at me and is holding me a second later.
"Prim, go downstairs and get a glass of water. I will look after her." He says calmly, kneeling in front of me. My quickened breath is ebbing, only to be replaced by deep sobs coming from somewhere deep inside me.
"Pe-ee-taa." I choke out.
"Shhh, Katniss its okay, I will look after you. And you will look after me. We are a team now, he cannot hurt us."
"But we will have to have chil-dren." I sob, trying to convey my distress.
"No we won't. Not if we don't want to. He is making us stronger Katniss, you and me together, we can protect each other and your family." He says, clutching my face with both hands and making me look straight into his eyes.
"Okay?" he gives my head a slight shake with his hands, willing me to understand. But I am just so afraid.
"I will protect you." He says so softly that his words flutter on my skin.
And I believe him.
I can't stop the tears from coming then. They flow down my cheeks in heavy streams and soon we both drown in them.
Peeta picks me up from the bed and carries me in his arms to my bedroom, taking me straight into the bathroom where he slips off his shoes and walks into the shower with me still in his arms.
Peeta flicks the handle on the shower with his elbow and lowers us onto the tiled floor where I sit still in his arms, sobbing into him. He clutches me to him and I feel him feel my pain. Feel him feel my worry and in that moment I feel more married to Peeta than any ceremony would bring.
He feels my pain and holds me to him while I cry.
We stay under the warm water for as long as possible until my mother comes in and tells us that the cars will be here soon to take us to the station. We have to untangle ourselves then but Peeta will not leave my side. Eventually my mother manages to coax him into the guest bedroom where he can dry off and change before the journey while my mother and Prim helped me to change.
I am exhausted from the tears and my limbs feel like lead. Once they get me dry and dressed, mother goes to make tea and Prim gently brushes through my hair.
This will be one of the last moments Prim and I have alone before I get married so I pull her arms around me and hold her there for as long as I can. After the wedding I will be moving in with Peeta, of course i'll be just across the square, but i won't be living with her anymore. I don't want to be separated from her. I almost can't bare it.
"Katniss, I know this is not what you want, but you do love Peeta, maybe not in that way, but he is your best friend isn't he?" She asks me, her cheek pressed to mine, her voice soft.
"I suppose so. But he's more than that and what about my other best friend, Prim?" I reply, my voice shaking. I really don't want to fall a part again, but talking about Gale is difficult. We have not spoken in weeks. He can't face it. I can't face it. Our relationship will never be normal again because I am getting married. I am no longer his; not in a romantic way, but in companionship. Before Peeta came along it was just Gale and I, leaning on each other for safety, solitude and freedom. Now I have no freedom, I will never feel safe again because of The Games, and Peeta is my only solitude because he shared The Games with me. He understands me so much more than Gale now. And that is why it's so hard for him.
My mother comes up the stairs with tea and my favourite cheese buns that Peeta brings round for us. We eat together, relatively silent a part from a soft touch or loving word. The room is charged with sadness and through every gesture there is sorrow. But there is so much love. I am not going back into The Games, we are going to the capitol together, I am getting married; sure it's not perfect, but we were alive and we are together and that is what matters.
We had been so much more of a family since the end of The Games than I ever thought possible. My mother had become herself again and there was an eager sense of closeness, that hadn't been there before; a closeness, not because we had to, but because we wanted to be together.
The morning is perfect, sitting on my bed with my mother and Prim, watching the spring sun dance in their golden hair as I savour the last moments of being an Everdeen.
The train is made of two parts. They put me and Peeta in the first stretch of the train, as well as Haymitch, while my family and Peeta's are in the back half of the train. It is obviously an attempt to make me feel separated from my family before I need to be, but that's not what bothers me. It feels far too much like the journey to The Capitol i made before my Hunger Games.
When Peeta gets in the train behind me I can tell he feels it too, that dark memories are surfacing and I hold out my hand for him. I give it a tight squeeze and we trudge through the train together.
We find our old compartments and when we enter them are faces turn blank and cold. We decide to ditch them.
We walk down to the far front of the train, past another dining area and then come to another set of compartments. We find one that is large with a big bed and a window. We quickly dump our stuff on the floor, open the window to smell the spring air, lock the door and climb into bed together. We sleep in each others arms for what seems like hours until a knock at the door wakes us.
Peeta opens the door with groggily to see Haymitch eyeing us suspiciously.
"Well I was not expecting this." He says gesturing to the bed which I am still curled up in.
"What do you mean?"
"I thought you would be avoiding each other like it was plague season and Katniss was covered in boils." Haymitch says with raised eyebrows. Peeta laughs. I don't.
"We decided to face this together, it's hard for both of us and we always come out fighting if we go into something as a team." He looks at me with those blue eyes and I feel my heart give a little. I knew that Peeta was willing to sacrifice his life for me, but somehow him sacrificing his future just didn't seem possible. But he is. He has swallowed his heartache and forced himself to be a comfort for me right now. When will he ever stop giving me parts of himself i don't deserve.
"Well, I am surprised, but pleased. Think I could drag you two apart to come join me for dinner?" he asks.
Now that is a shock. Peeta tells Haymitch we will be there in a few minutes and closes the door behind him. When he turns to face me I see his eyebrows are as raised as mine.
"What the hell was that?" I ask. Haymitch wasn't usually sober enough to eat dinner let alone want to eat it with us.
"I have no idea, but I am kind of intrigued." Peeta says with a grin and I can't help but laugh.
We get changed into clothes that aren't so rumpled by sleep and then head down the corridor to the dining hall, hands still locked together.
Whatever it is I expect; this is not it. In front of us stands our families. My mother and Prim stand smiling next to Peeta's parents, clutching little glasses of what must have been wine. Next to them is Haymitch and Cinna. Everyone has gentle smiles upon their faces which seem so out of place here. They are in front of the dining room table which is laid out as lavishly as usual, only the food is no Capitol product. There is a roasted wild turkey sitting on a bed of wild herbs in the middle of table. Other dishes on the table hold cakes, buns and biscuits that could only have been made by Peeta's family. This is a feast from District Twelve, the best that money could buy there.
"We wanted to make this right for you." Haymitch is the first to speak and although his hand holding his glass is shaking, his voice is resolute and determined.
"We know that you did not choose this and it feels wrong, but we are going to toast to you both and make it better." He hands us glasses, which we take, still lost in wonder at everything before us.
"Everyone form the circle." Haymitch says and everyone shuffles into a circle behind the table.
"Katniss, Peeta, please join us." We walk to the middle of the circle, passing our wine to my mother on our way. We take our place in the centre, facing one another. Our hands find each other again.
"Cinna, you have never seen a District Twelve wedding before so I will just explain what's happening. We are here to bring Katniss and Peeta together. They have laid their lives down for each other countless times and are already family. This toasting recognises them as that. Katniss, Peeta, we have no expectations of you or the marriage that will be made tomorrow. That marriage means nothing to us, we will all honour this bond, which is stronger than any ceremony that can be performed. This bond is a promise that you will continue to protect and comfort one another as you have done so many times before, this is all we expect from you. We, as witnesses to this bond promise to guide you, and protect your bond. Katniss, Peeta, you are now family." Haymitch finishes and everyone raises their glasses into the air towards us.
Haymitch is right. What ever happens tomorrow, it does not matter. That is not the bond me and Peeta share, this is our marriage.
"Thank you." I say croakily as they all smile at us. They had made it right and there could never be enough thanks for that. I look at Peeta who reflects my relief and I know that this is right for both of us. We want this. He pulls me to him and wraps his arms around me, kissing my forehead. Everyone gives a little chuckle and there is a small round of applause.
After the hugs and embraces we sit round the table, all eager for the delicious food. It smells amazing and I can tell Greasy Sae had had something to do with the turkey. We feast together, sharing smiles and laughter. We toast to each other, to our friends, to this bond and I feel happier than I have in a long time.
There's also another feeling that I can't seem to shake. Later that night, as I am wrapped up in Peeta's arms, I realise the feeling that has crept up on me is safety. In a world where I am an enemy of the Capitol I am never safe, but my friends, my family and Peeta have made me feel protected. I am calm, and that was rare.
"What are you thinking, Katniss?" Peeta asks. We knew the other was awake but we lay in silence, savouring the moment of peace.
"I was thinking that I am happy." I say honestly. I feel Peeta's cheek turn into a smile as his face rests aginst my head.
"Me too." He replies, closing his eyes.
"This is right isn't it." He whispers as he drifts off to sleep.
I don't want to say that it is, worried that I will give Peeta the wrong impression, but I think I am finally starting to understand that Peeta knows exactly what we are to each other so I tell him the truth.
"Yes Peeta, this is right." I reply, and I mean it.
The next morning goes like a blur. My prep team force themselves on to the train only to get teary eyed at the sight of me and Peeta sleeping together; so happy, so content. Apparently, they are hopeless romantics.
When they finally shoo me out of the room, Peeta grabs my hand giving it a gentle kiss, to which Octavia swoons saying we are 'so perfect together'. Peeta gives me a little wink as I walk out the door and its hard to resist the smile that forms on my face. Peeta always knew how to play the crowd.
My smile is quickly gone though when my prep team lead me to the room to prepare for the wedding. It is the same room in The Training Centre that I had before The Games. The comfort I had felt last night is gone and replaced by the panicky feeling I get from feeling trapped. This place brings back claustrophobic memories of the feeling before The Games, knowing that i had no way out. And this is the same now. I knew that there was no way out of this wedding, but being here made all that more real.
When Portia opens the door to my room I see that someone (I knew exactly who) has filled my room with large cream roses. They sit in clear vases on every spare shelf, dresser, and cupboard so that the place is overflowing with them. My prep time oooh and ahhh but I know what they are. They are a personal reminder from President Snow that I am once again a part of his Games and by forcing me to marry Peeta, there I will remain; a piece in his Games, and at his mercy.
The sweet, sickening smell fills my nostrils making me gag. I choke it down and in my attempt find myself shaking. It's the same smell that Snow wafted from him when he came to my home before the Victory Tour a few months ago, warning me of the fate I would have if I didn't quieten any sparks of rebellion. I did though, and was marrying Peeta. I had convinced everyone that what I did in the arena, I did out of love. But had I convinced him? I truly hope so. Either way, I had made my bed, and now I had to lie in it. With Peeta. At least I would have some company.
My prep team pull me into the room and start work on me.
I start out by bathing in a hot tub that Portia draws for me. Because i am not heading back into the arena, there is no need to remove all my body hair from its cuticles in an unnecessarily painful process, so i am allowed to shave.
I sit in the tub, trying to shave my legs with my shaky hands, while Portia arranges the products she will use to get me squeaky cleaning and shining. Portia, Flavius and Octvavia have been my stylists since The Games so have seen every inch of me many times over - nudity is not a big issue for us. I see her watching me in the mirror, taking in my trembling hands holding the razor.
Not meeting my gaze she turns to me, takes the razor from me and starts to gently run it along the bottom of my legs.
I sink back into the bath, letting the bubbles engulf me so the only parts of my body showing are my legs.
In the time I have known Portia, she has never been a woman of many words, but she is quiet and strong and I find her presence comforting. She is the most level headed of my three stylists and I am glad she is with me.
After she's done with my legs, Portia pours scented oils into the bath that make my skin silky and soft. While I soak, she washes my hair with lavender scented shampoo and massages the heavenly stuff into my scalp. I think Portia can tell I am panicked because she works on me silently, moving gently, in an attempt to relax me. The warm water and her calming hands almost stop the shaking and when we leave the bathroom Cinna is waiting for us and his presence always comforts me.
From looking at me, he can tell I am not in the mind set to withstand my prep team's usual mindless natter and so he dismisses them, saying they will need time to go prepare themselves for the big event.
Octavia is the first to rush to me, hugging me tightly.
"I can't wait to see you in your dress," she says, "you will look beautiful."
It was the first time anyone in the Capitol, aside from Cinna, had ever thought of me as beautiful. I had always assumed they found my lack of genetic enhancement boring and plain but Octavia sounds so genuine I actually feel touched by her words. Flavius takes my hand and kisses it in a low bow, making me feel positively regal, before following Octavia out the door. Portia, last to leave, looks me in the eyes and gives my hand a reassuring squeeze before she leaves.
I know that my prep team are superficial and have a Capitol pedigree that I detest, but in this moment I feel a surge of affection for them because I know that they feel for me. It was something in Portia's touch; Flavuis' Kiss and Octavia's sweet smile that makes me feel slightly reassured.
Alone, Cinna starts to work on me. He starts with my nails, shaping them perfectly and painting them over in a slight blush colour varnish. He does my hair by tangling out the knots then drying it into waves. It falls loosely down my back and Cinna twists the front parts back into a slight V shape behind my head and pins it there.
He rubs some shining liquid onto my face before adding minimal makeup; a light touch of eyebrow pencil, a thin coat of mascara to make my lashes look longer and a peachy blush on my cheek bones. Cinna helps me into the chiffon wedding dress that the people in The Capitol picked for the occasion. As Cinna ties the waistband behind my back the dress feels completely different to the one I stired on a few months ago. Cinna is silent throughout the whole process he steps back to survey me I get a little annoyed and break the silence.
"Yes?" I huff. He had been studying me and a frown had formed on his face; rude.
"Just a few finishing touches." He says smiling at me and kissing my cheek. Cinna goes behind me and starts pinning things into my hair. I can't see what he is doing but i can feel his careful fingers on my head for around ten minutes. After that he slips the stunning satin wedding shoes he designed for the occasion on to my feet and helps me up. I start to turn to look in the mirror but Cinna shouts at me to stop.
"Wait!"
He quickly dabs some natural coloured lipstick onto my lips and then takes my shoulders into his hands.
"You done now?" I say, raising my eyebrows and letting my voice show my impatience.
"Yes," he breathes and his face transforms into a smile,
"Now you can look."
Cinna gently twists my shoulders round so I am facing the mirror.
My jaw drops. Before me stands something so unearthly perfect I can't believe it's me.
My dress which I had thought was fuller when I tried it on months ago is now thin and light as a feather, made of layers of chiffon and trimmed with lace at the ends. The long sleeves I remember are gone, now replaced with a v-neck dress that drops low to reveal the lacy insert underneath. The dress now swings low at the side under my arms, the effect making me look long and birdlike, and showing my skin which is luminous. My glossy brown hair hangs in loose waves past my shoulders and is pulled away from my face to be held in place by dozens of little flowers. They are all my favourite flowers. Purple Violets and Snow Drops, as well as bunches of Gypsophilia all line the back of my hair like a crown. Cinna barely touched my face but somehow he has transformed my skin so I am practically glowing. My cheeks are rosy and my eyes big but relatively bare. I look young, and fresh but most of all I look like myself, only the best looking version of myself I have ever seen.
"I can't believe it." I whisper to Cinna, looking at him through the reflection in the mirror.
"I look like a-"
"You look like you." He says smiling, and i can't argue with him, because i do.
I look like how people imagine you once your dead, lacking in imperfections, wearing white, a crown of flowers in your hair. I am glad Cinna didn't completely change me. He worked with what he had, making me beautiful but keeping me the same. I feel like myself which is the reassurance I need to walk into this without trembling head to toe.
Cinna takes my hand and turns me to face him.
"You are Katniss Everdeen. A Victor. You are my girl on fire, do not be afraid, just look to Peeta and then they can't take this from you."
I didn't understand, the Capitol could take anything from me. I am their slave who is willing to serve to protect the people I love. What couldn't they take from me?
While I consider Cinna's words, a bell chimes, signalling the beginning of the wedding.
I search Cinna's eyes for a way out, only to find to find his last words hanging there, causing more confusion.
He leads me out of the room, into the elevator that takes us down through the training centre and spits us out onto a narrow alley way. I can see sunlight pouring through the gap at the end of the alley and walk towards it. When I look out, I feel my whole body shake.
The street opens onto the raised part of the square in front of President Snow's mansion. Only the square has changed. The raised cobbled ground is now a huge bed of grass, full of large pink and white blossom trees that stand wilting over its inhabitants. The grass is covered in flowers springing from its green and the scent of Snow's roses hang in the air. It seems to be contained somehow in this area and that's when the full magnitude of it hits me. Snow has built me an arena. He has trapped me in and filled it with his stench so that I am suffocating. I look to my left and see at least two hundred guests sitting in rows on wooden chairs. I then look higher, up to the raised grass bank where the blossom trees form an arch and under it stands the tall figures of men in black suits. I can't make them out but I can assume one of them is Peeta. My eyes begin to blur as the smell stings them and when I shake my head to clear it from the fumes, I catch a glimpse of what lies to my right. Outside the Arena stand thousands of people, filling up the streets, waving banners, shouting words that cannot be heard behind what must be an invisible screen encasing the official wedding guests.
I am getting overwhelmed and struggling to breathe. The stench of Snow's roses is just so strong. I back away from the opening and lean on the cool brick wall for support, wishing that it would swallow me up and hide me.
"Katniss," Cinna comes to me, taking my face in his hands and stroking my cheeks.
I know I need to be strong, to pull myself together, but I just can't get over the smell.
"I am not so sure I can do this," I breathe.
"Of course you can. Listen to me, don't look at anyone or anything until Peeta lifts up your veil and then you find his eyes. When you see him, you will know what to do." Cinna says.
"Veil?" I reply, focussing on Cinna's words to calm myself.
"This one." He says and pulls the most beautiful veil from behind his cream tuxedo clad body. The veil is made of netting and white lace and it sways gently in the manufactured breeze. Cinna slides it into the back of my hair with a clip and then pulls it over my face obscuring him partly from view.
He quickly turns me to face the edge, placing a bouquet of white roses in my hand and before I have time to register their sickly scent, he pulls me out into the open.
The first thing I feel is the ground shaking from the crowd's reaction to my appearance. They are screaming, cheering and pounding on the ground as they watch me on a big screen that is broadcasted all over Panem.
I try to focus on what's in front of me; feeling my arm through Cinna's elbow, my other hand clutching my bouquet, my feet working frantically to place one leg in front of the other in time to the gentle music that seems to be emanating from birds in the trees.
I almost stop when I realise what they are singing. It's Rue's three note whistle, intermingled into a symphony and fed to the MockingJay's that are hiding in the trees.
I dig my nails into Cinna's arm and plaster a fake smile on my face, refusing to give Snow any satisfaction. I just have to bear it. Torture in an arena. Well, it's nothing I haven't had before.
The veil that Cinna designed is genius because although I can see through it, the lace edging before my eyes gives me something to focus on so I stare at the lace and allow Cinna to guide me up the Isle. When he stops I am confused, until I realise that this is as far as he goes with me. We have reached Cinna's seat and I must enter up the stone steps alone.
I grit my teeth and smile harder, kissing Cinna on the cheek.
As I do so I feel the tickle of his breath in my ear.
"Only look at Peeta." He reminds me in a voice so quiet no one could have heard.
I turn back to the Isle, taking my dress in one hand and lift it off the ground so I can climb the steps. I have never been good at walking in heels and the train of my dress makes it that much harder. I almost stumble and as a result, take my eyes of the lace on my veil for just a second.
Oh God. My eyes caught a glimpse of a tall figure, with dark olive skin and a pair of grey eyes like mine that could only belong to one person in this whole world. Gale.
I should have listened to Cinna more closely.
Gale is standing on the right side of Peeta, next to Haymitch acting as one of the groomsmen. I feel physically sick. There are no ends to President Snow's cruelty. Snow has put Gale there, forcing him to witness my marriage to Peeta, to bless it with his presence. He has also put him there to dangle him in front of my face, as the future I could have had, if I had not defied the Capitol.
But could I have done?
Thinking back to those days in the foods I wonder if we would have really had a future. The only way Gale and I could ever have been together, was if we ran away. We could run away into the woods and never look back, living off each other. But we never could. Not with our families. We couldn't take them with us, but we couldn't leave them behind to bear the weight of our punishment. There was no way that Gale and I could have been together in this world.
As I walk past him, I say goodbye to the future that was never possible for us. His eyes find mine and I see him do the same. It hurts, but it's for the best.
When I reach the top of the grass bank, I pass my bouquet to Prim who is standing to my left, and face the blonde figure in front of me.
Snow, who is standing behind us, addresses the crowd and Panem, giving an elaborate speech about what brought us to this day. He talks of the two star crossed lovers, who have devoted their lives to each other and their country. He spins us into a patriotic facade of Capitol loving mongrels and I would have cared if I wasn't slightly amused. The truth was I wasn't worried anymore. The longer I was in the arena filled with the smell of roses and Rue's tune, the more my skin hardened and I built up a defence against Snow.
When he finishes and the ceremonial words are about to begin, the veil is lifted from my face and there is a simultaneous intake of breath that resonates through the guests at the sight of me. I don't notice though. Hands that lifted my veil find mine and my eyes flick up to find the owner of those strong, familiar hands.
Cinna was right. I just needed to look to Peeta.
I find Peeta's perfect blue eyes and he finds mine and it is as though the world is lost. After last night, Peeta is already my family and looking to him means comfort for me. The swirling blue shades dance in the light and I find myself grinning. Genuinely grinning. I start to find this whole thing hilarious because Snow is doing everything he can to hurt us, but it has no effect. Peeta is smiling too and I see laughter playing in his eyes. His eyes are laughing because Snow's forcing us to get married, but we already are.
I block out Rue's tune and replace it with our own. It's a silent whistle that can only be found on the wind in the early hours of the morning on a restless night. It's the sound of Peeta breathing as he sleeps next to me, guarding me from the night.
I stare into Peeta's eyes and understand the meaning of Cinna's words. I was so afraid to marry Peeta because it meant my choice had been taking away from me, that I would have to marry him, have children with him, watch them die in The Games. But after what happened last night, making Peeta my family had never been a choice. He is a part of me and I am a part of him. We have shared so much with one another that he can be nothing less than my family. This isn't something that The Capitol is forcing on us, it is something that has been cemented between us since The Games. And somewhere inside me I know I want to spend my life with Peeta at my side, guarding me from the world that tried to destroy us. I need him. This is my choice.
I am still lost in my thoughts when Snow announces the kiss that will seal our marriage.
I look back at Peeta and find him leaning towards me. I do the same and our lips meet softly in the middle. His kiss is gentle, and sweet and full of a love that could never be manufactured. It is a want to protect, to nurture and to cherish and I return it with every breath I give.
After the kiss there is a stampede of sound from the crowd. Obviously a switch has been hit so we can here the ruckus from the streets. We turn to cheers from the few hundred in the arena and they throw confetti on us as we are swept into Snows mansion for the extravagant wedding feast. A couple of peacekeepers who are escorting us lead us into a room full of more flowers and tables towered high with gifts.
"Your wedding presents." A Peacekeeper adds gruffly before leaving the room and shutting the doors behind us. Before the door handle clicks shut I drop my bouquet and am in Peeta's arms. One of his hands clutches the back of my head fiercely and I realise he must of been in hell before I arrived. When I emerged into the makeshift arena full of that putrid smell and Rue's song I thought only of myself and the memories that were surfacing. I hadn't even thought how horrible it must have been for Peeta, standing there, waiting. I hugged him closer feeling guilty for not thinking of him.
"You look like an angel." He whispers into my ear. I pull back, smiling.
"All Cinna's handy work." I say twirling, but Peeta catches me.
"No, it's all you, only now everyone else sees you how I do everyday." Peeta says, gazing at me. I look away because those sorts of comments make me uncomfortable, but I suppose now Peeta could say that sort of thing whenever he liked. There was nothing between me and Gale anymore, President Snow made sure of that. So now I could start to actually consider what was between Peeta and me. After all, we would be together for the rest of our lives so I could let myself consider all those feelings I had when we were in the games. All those kisses that weren't just for the camera.
I allow myself to think about those kisses now and before I realise what I am doing, I lean forward and press my lips to Peeta's. It is the first kiss we have ever had without anyone watching us. It is the lightest touch of lips and Peeta is taken slightly by surprise at first. Then he kisses me back, so softly it is as though he's scared of breaking me. His hands reach up to my face, making my skin tingle at his touch. When our lips part he holds my face to his, our foreheads touching and his hands still holding me.
We stay there in silence, the sun shining through a window onto us, capturing the outline of our faces against eachother.
"Do I have to be a Mellark now?" I ask suddenly, pulling away from him. The thought shot through my head and I blurt it out, severing the moment.
Peeta laughs and grabs me around the waist, pulling me back to him.
"No you don't." He says as I struggle out of his arms, but he is so strong there is no point in trying,
"You will always be Katniss Everdeen to me anyway." He whispers, taking my face back in his hands and cradling it to his. I laugh at his eagerness to keep hold of me and realise that is exactly what I want him to do.
And he does. Throughout the feast and all the dances and conversations Peeta does not let go of my hand. Everyone thinks it's adorable and Caesar Flickerman makes a joke to Peeta that nobody will try to steal me from him. But he still does not let go. We dance and laugh, half the time it being for the cameras but another half, moments dancing it Peeta's arms, are for us. I keep on catching President Snow eyeing us with suspicion; his face dark but then easily reassembled when anyone talks to him. I wonder why he looks so puzzled, but am easily distracted and don't give it too much thought.
By the time the festivities are over, it is the middle of the night and Peeta and I are swept, half asleep, into a car to the train station and then loaded onto the train. We crawl into bed, half dead from dancing and laughing.
"Urgh I am exhausted." I said sleepily to Peeta as he pulls off his tie and slumps onto the bed next to me.
"Its okay, you can sleep now." He replies, pulling me into the nook of his arm and kissing the top of my head. I don't stop him but instead snuggle into him and before the train has pulled away, am fast asleep.
The next morning our carriage is empty. Haymitch has disappeared, probably drunk himself into a stupor somewhere so Peeta and I have the carriage to ourselves. We find breakfast laid out in the dining hall and rush in, starving, having slept for most of the day again. Peeta and I have spent most of our time over the last few days asleep. I think our bodies are trying to catch up on the many restless nights we have had since The Games. It was also quite rare for us to have such a peaceful night, but being together seemed to make it better.
We sit at the table together. I immediately grab a pastry from the massive dish of them and start to pull it apart, pulling my knees up underneath my chin and eating away.
Peeta is watching me.
"What?" I ask.
"Nothing," he says, "you just... still look amazing."
I raise my eyebrows at him.
"What? you do!" he protests but I throw my pastry at him. The look on his face when it hits him square in the forehead makes me laugh and I almost spit all the pastry in my mouth onto the table.
We decide to move our breakfast into the sunlight. There is a big, furry cream rug on the floor by the couch's where the window stretch down far to the ground so you can see out. We take our tea and pastries to the rug, and eat curled up together. Peeta feeds me fresh strawberries while I play with the fur on the rug.
I begin to let myself feel something for Peeta and for once it doesn't scare me so much.
"Peeta, what do we do now?" I ask him as we lay still sprawled on the rug with my head listening to steady beat of his heart in his chest.
"We stay here forever," he replies sleepily. I wriggle round onto my front, propping myself up onto my elbows to face him.
"No Peeta, we have to go home, move in together, then what? What do we do then? Do we keep doing this for the rest of our lives? I don't understand us Peeta." I say. Peeta opens his eyes to look at me. The breeze from the open windows flicks a strand of my hair in front of my face and he gently tucks it behind my ear. I shake my head down in frustration.
"Neither do I, Katniss. But I do know that nothing has to change unless we want it to. We made this our choice through the toast, nothing is going to change, okay?" he asks and it makes sense to me, so I nod.
At that moment one of the stems of flowers falls out of my hair.
"Oh, the Gipsophylia" I say scooping it up, "It's dying."
I am honestly a little sad that it's dying. Before I say another word, Peeta jumps up to the table, filling a glass with water and placing the flower in it.
"Thank you. It's one of my favourite flowers, after a Primrose."
"Its a really beautiful flower." He says smiling.
"Yes it is. Will you help me with the rest?" I gesture to the back of my head.
Peets nods, sitting behind me, and starts to gently pull out the rest of the flowers left in my hair, adding them to the water glass. Afterwards, he removes all the pins; letting my hair fall, still in waves, down my back. I feel his fingers running through my hair, gently pulling out the tangles. I close my eyes, enjoying the feel of him. When it stops, his hands slide down over my arms and I feel his lips follow, softly kissing my shoulder, leaving my skin tingling the way it had after we kissed yesterday. Peeta lies on his back next to me and I scoot over so that I am lying in the crook of his arm. His fingers find their way back into my hair and mine play with a little dip in the middle of his chest. We stay like this, talking and dozing for the rest of the journey home.