Title: Chasm

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended!

Category: FanFiction / Books/Movies / Harry Potter

Rating: T

Genre: Angst

Characters: Bellatrix Lestrange (PoV)

Word Count: 678
~*~

I know I'm so close to the edge. One tiny step and I'd trip over. I'd fall deep and without a halt.
Sometimes I long for that fall, so desperately. I reach out my hand and prepare to jump. But I can't.
Other times I'm all too careful. I'm scared that my foot will simply slip and for some reason I know there wouldn't be a chance to return.

It's so tempting; the fall. It's so tempting to dive away; into something nobody knows. Into something new, somewhere where I would be new; maybe even the way I want to be. But would it be any like this? It could be so much worse than anything I've ever known.
It's so dangerous, too. It's dangerous to not be able to tell reality from dream. I don't want to get lost in an endless confusion. I want my 'dreams' to be the truth, though. I don't want them to come true; I want them to just be true – and not only for me.

What would it be like? Not to know… would I have to ask people around me? Would they tell? Would I want to know? Would I even see them? Or would I vanish from their world?
I won't admit, but it scares me. Not knowing; and knowing how close I am to finding out – or not.
But what is worse? I can't tell. Now I know and know not all the same, too. I see what is around me; I hear people talk. However I cannot tell. What do I see actually? What are they talking about?
I sooth myself by telling me, that at least I can hear them. That would probably be lost, too, and forever. I know there would be no way back. Or would there? No. For once I'm certain; there wouldn't.

I wish I'd know. Or even better, I wish I could design it myself – design my own abyss. But I know that is not an option. If it would be, then there would be so little people left, up here. Most would've jumped already.
Everybody has such an abyss. Most people are aware of it. Most avoid it. Some seek it, curiously and try to get a short glimpse over the edge before they pull back and head right away from it. Few walk straight towards the edge and don't stop walking once the ground fades beneath their feet.
Me? I think I'm perhaps somewhere between the last two groups. I walk close, sometimes daring the abyss to swallow me and hoping it would catch the drift; sometimes trying to get away from it.
But I can't walk far. I need the edge. I can't risk losing it. I'm not sure what the other direction holds for me, but it could be entire emptiness. And that scares me the most.
If I'd trip and fall down, I know at least it wouldn't be empty. So I stay close, feeling purposefully forced, and make sure I won't get caught in the other direction's emptiness.

I think I'm balancing. When I'm afraid I will fall I won't fall, but I can't run away, either. When I'm willing to fall, desperately longing, I won't fall, but I can't run away, either.
So one way or another, it will always be the same?
And if not?
Maybe one day I finally miss a step, stumble. Maybe one day I escape the invisible trap I probably set for myself and run off, fast, away from the abyss and maybe right into …nothing.
What's scarier?

I don't know what will happen and thinking about either possibility makes me feel uncomfortable and ill. So I want to simply stop thinking about it. Avoid the bad. Even if just for a while, until I will hear my own voice echoing in the abyss, again.
Instead I dance, balancing on the edge; reveling in the closeness, in the abyss' presence.

How much longer will I stay like this?

…and in the end… will it be my choice after all?