A/N: Okay so I was walking through the mall today right? And I saw the FUNNIEST thing in F.Y.E. What was it you ask? It was a big cut out of Rob Pattinson as Edward Cullen ~Cue for the Edward fangirls to squeal and faint~ next to a cut out of Hannah Montana...They were so close to each other they looked like they were holding hands (I took a picture of it with my cell phone and labeled it "Eddy + Hannah = 4 Ever!")...And well since it's valentines day, and Sadly, I'm stuck spending the latter half of it on the internet, I'm writing a valentines day FF. :3 (Oh and while i was at the mall i got some Amazingly Beautiful jewelry. I think it's like Japanese jewelry or something, (I can't tell the difference between the Chinese & Japanese lettering system...and all of the labels were in one of the languages...I think it was Japanese though )) Warning: There is complete randomness in this, and most of the guys will be leaving their girls for some odd female or guy...(Some may even leave for an inanimate object...) I'm all hyped up on Mountain Dew and other fun things (No not drugs...by 'other fun things' I mean Valentines day cheer, and Easy Mac.) OH, and I don't want reviews saying, "They're all out of character, and the plot doesn't make sense! Why'd this happen? Why'd that happen? Etc." This is just for FUN! I'm Hyper. It doesn't have to make sense, it's not supposed to be serious, and it's supposed to be funny! ^-^' Read on dear readers, read on.
Disclaimer: Don't own Teh Cullens, Bella, Twilight/New Moon/Eclipse/Breaking Dawn, or Hannah Montana Selena Gomez, Chuck Norris...or conversation hearts...or roses.... or Yeah, I don't own anything in this Fanfic Just the idea behind it...because for once I'm not in it...Lolz. Okay NOW you may read on.
It wasn't just an average day at the Cullen Household. No, it was Valentines Day. Emmett was showering Rosalie with gifts from bath and body works, and Jasper was in the process of giving Alice a beautiful necklace that was in the shape of a white flower with three layers of petals, and a large, circular Opalite jasper gemstone in the center with a beautiful gold rope chain. Carlisle and Esme were snuggled close together by the fireplace Carlisle handing Esme a bag of seeds so she could plant her own roses for he knew how much she loved to grow things in her garden, Edward and Bella were on the couch lovingly staring into each others eyes, and Jacob, after handing Bella a bag of conversation hearts, started playing with Nessie around the living room.
"Emmett! Rosalie! Can you two please keep your thoughts PG-13?" Edward asked, growing annoyed.
"I can put them in my shield if they're bothering you that much." Bella suggested, not looking away from his face.
"If you wouldn't mind..." Edward said and twitched as Emmett continued his dirty train of thoughts. Bella laughed and enclosed the two of them into her shield. "Okay, that's much better."
"There, that's your Valentines day present." Bella said with a grin.
"That's all I'm getting?" Edward asked, feigning hurt.
"Well that's all you're getting right now." Bella said with a smile.
"And you say I'm bad." Emmett muttered, "I can tell what you're thinking Eddy, and I'm thinking that it's ten times worse than what I was thinking."
"No, it's not." Edward said, his face contorting with disgust as he recalled what Emmett had been thinking.
"So what are we going to do today?" Carlisle asked his 'children' from his spot by the fireplace.
"Sit at home and do nothing." Emmett said laughing.
"No, we have to do something." Carlisle said as he lifted himself up off the floor.
Alice started bouncing up and down in her seat. "I know I know I know!"
"What Alice?" Jacob asked as he caught Nessie after throwing her up into the air.
"No wait...I just lost it." She said with a frown.
Suddenly the door busted open and Aro Volturi, Selena Gomez, Hannah Montana, and Chuck Norris all walked in. "Happy valentines day!" They chorused.
"You know you could have knocked..." Carlisle said.
"Could have...but didn't." Aro said with a grin.
"I suggest we play Spin the Bottle." Emmett said laughing.
"Why?" Carlisle, Esme, Jasper and Bella asked.
Alice laughed, Edward winced, and Emmett rubbed his hands together and wiggled his eyebrows up and down, making him look like an evil villain. (Random voice: As opposed to a good villain.)
The Nine (and a half.) vampires, the Four (and a half...note: Chuck Norris counts as two because he's so awesome.) humans, and the three werewolves (Leah and Seth are there too.) all sat in a circle with a beer bottle, left over from Charlie's last visit, in the center.
Aro figured he'd be the first to spin, for he was the oldest and like most games the oldest should deserve to go first in this game. The bottle spun so fast it was a blur. "Aro, you spun it too hard...it's going to be spinning for a long while." Carlisle complained. The vampires waited, and waited, and waited for roughly an hour, then Chuck got annoyed with the waiting and stopped the bottle with his Chuck Norris-y powers. It landed on Carlisle. "No…Oh God no…" Carlisle said as he backed away from the approaching Aro. Aro tackled the younger vampire down to the ground and kissed him, very passionately. "Okay, that wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it'd be..." Carlisle said, eyeing up Aro with a smile as the two made their way back to the seat. The order followed in a counter clockwise motion, meaning that it went Aro, Bella, Edward, Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, Selena, Chuck and then Hannah.
When it was Chuck's turn he spun the bottle, it landed upon Emmett. "Chuck's gotta kiss Emmett..." Aro said in a singsong voice.
"Chuck Norris doesn't kiss Emmett...Emmett kisses Chuck Norris!" Alice and Jasper said laughing at the overly used "Chuck Norris doesn't X. X Chuck Norris." phrase.
Hannah had been making goo-goo eyes at Edward the whole time, Selena had been making the same goo-goo eyes at Jasper, Aro's look couldn't be described as 'goo-goo eyes' but they were looking at Carlisle with a lot of lust in them, Chuck Norris being Chuck Norris, wasn't doing anything except being Chuck Norris.
All of a sudden, Cupid came crash-landing through the window and landed on Aro's lap. "Aw! He's so cute!" Aro said pinching Cupid's cheeks.
"Hey, hands off." Cupid exclaimed and floated away from Aro. Aro proceeded to try and catch Cupid so that he could pinch his cheeks once again.
"Yo! Cupid! What's up?" Emmett said laughing.
"I'm up because I'm flying." Cupid said sarcastically.
"Fine, be that way." Emmett said annoyed.
Cupid then proceeded to spread the Valentines Day Cheer by shooting all of the Cullen house inhabitants with his magic arrows. Carlisle fell in love with Aro, Chuck Norris fell in love with Emmett, Hannah fell in love with Edward, and Selena Gomez fell in love with Jasper, the reverse also applied due to Cupid's magic. Esme fell in love with the bag of conversation hearts that Jacob had given to Bella, Bella fell in love with the teddy bear that Carlisle had given to Esme along with the rose seeds, Rosalie fell in love with a mirror, so in other words herself, and Alice fell in love with the toaster oven in the kitchen.
Esme opened the bag, took a handful of Conversation Hearts out of it, read them out loud, and kept saying "Oh That's so sweet!" in response to the phrases, while the commands like "hug me" and "kiss me" she actually performed on the bag of Conversation hearts. Rosalie kept kissing the mirror. Bella kept talking baby talk at the big teddy bear, and Alice hugged the toaster oven to her chest and was kissing it.
The boys were kissing the girls/guys that they had fallen in love with, rather passionately, to the point where the author/narrator cannot even speak of it in this T rated fanfic.
The day continued onwards like that and at midnight everyone woke up out of his or her Love-filled stupor. "What happened?" Carlisle asked from his spot on the couch. The four outsiders, or "Non-Cullens that were not supposed to be there," left shortly before everyone had snapped out of their lovey-dovey feelings. Or so they had thought. Hannah came running out of a closet near the front door and jumped onto Edward. Edward, still somewhat in his lovey-dovey stupor, didn't push Hannah off as she started kissing him.
"EDWARD CULLEN!! You stop kissing that Teen Pop Sensation this INSTANT!" Bella shouted and peeled poor Hannah off of Edward, throwing her a little too hard thus making Hannah go flying through the window.
"HANNAAH!!" Edward shouted running over to the window. "I'm sorry Bells, but the girl with the multi-personality disorder is so much better than you are. I have to leave you." Edward said, linking arms with Hannah Montana and then walking through the front door and out to his stupid shiny Volvo. As Edward and Hannah drove off into the night Bella crumpled up on the couch as that hole that had formed way back when, when Edward left her the first time, started to re-open itself. Bella started rocking back and forth, and Carlisle started wondering if Bella was actually having a mental break down. In the end, Bella ended up with her very own (padded) room in the Cullen's house, Edward and Hannah eloped, Selena blew up in some crazy accident, Aro continued ruling the vampire world, and Chuck Norris went on being Chuck Norris, while the rest of the Cullens just went on as normally as they could thinking of the insane Bella as a replacement Edward in their family of eight (and a half,) vampires.
THE END!
2nd A/N:
Me: ~Bows~ Thank you thank you! ~Picks up the roses at my feet~
Audience: THOSE WEREN"T FOR YOU! Those were for Jasper!
Jasper: ~Snatches bouquet of roses from Taliana's arms~ Yeah, those are for me.
Me: Shut up you stupid hick from Texas. Wow, I think that my A/N's are longer than the actual Fanfic…
Jasper: TEXANS ARE NOT HICKS! ~Resists urge to kill Taliana~
Me: Sorry. ~is cowering in fear~
Jasper: Apology accepted.
Me: Yay! ~Hugs Jasper~ Will you be my valentine?
Jasper: No. Go ask Emmett.
Me: EMMETTT!! WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE?
Emmett(from his room with Rosalie): Kinda busy right now, maybe later.
Rosalie: Don't you even think about it Emmett!
Emmett: Never mind; just go ask Edward or Carlisle.
Me: ~Runs all around the house looking for Edward, and/or Carlisle.~ Wait, Edward took off with Hannah...CARLISLE!!! (Pronouncing the S in his name.)
Carlisle: The S is SILENT! Why can't people get that?
Me: ~Gives Carlisle a funny look.~ There's no s in Carlisle...it's a phreuiwofsj that's silent.
Carlisle: ~Gives Taliana a weird look.~ A what?
Me: A phreuiwofsj.
Carlisle: Okay then.
Me: Will you be my valentine? ~Hugs Carlisle super tightly~
Carlisle: Okay...~nervous laugh~
Me: YAY! ~Sniffs Carlisle~
Carlisle: Why'd you sniff me?
Me: To see if you smelled good. You don't. ~Grabs some Warm Vanilla Sugar body splash and sprays Carlisle~ Now you do. ~Triumphant grin~
Jasper, Emmett, and Carlisle: Okay That's it for this Fanfic folks.
Me: Why don't you just do a "pokey" pig.
Jazz/Emmett/Carlisle: I do believe it is Porky Pig. Not Pokey.
Me: I know, but tell my older sister that...when she was little she called him Pokey.
Jazz/Emm/Lislie: we're not doing a "Porky pig."
Me: Fine. Just for that I'm making you three give my lovely readers hugs.
Jazz/Emm/Lislie: NO! ~They try to run, and fail when my awesome vampire escape-proof gates slam down on all the exits (and the walls, because they can break through them don't ya know.)~
Me: ~Laughs maniacally~ Okay, now as you're getting hugs, remember to review my little fanfic...you see that button there...the one with the....
Readers: The one with the? OH! Yeah, what's it do?
Me: Press it.... find out.
Jazz/Emm/Lislie: ~Reluctantly give hugs to the readers~
Me/Jazz/Emm/Lislie: Merry Valentines Day To All, and To all a Good night!
Santa: That is MY line!
Me: By the way, I don't own neither Santa Claus nor Cupid. Just saying.